People Make Such Odd Choices in Life

[MikeL]

About a year ago, a friend of mine dropped off the face of the Earth. His phone was disconnected. It's not as though we talked often, but it was strange not to hear from him. None of my other friends had heard from him, either.

So over the weekend, another friend showed me a business card with my buddy's name on it. His brother had run into my long lost friend in a skyway downtown, and got a card from him. I dropped my lost friend an e-mail, and heard back from him this morning.

Turns out that last July, his world came crashing down. His wife of over three years told him she wanted a divorce. She's a cop, and had been cheating on him with a co-worker. She's now pregnant with that upstanding fellow's baby. My friend is a genuinely good guy. As far as he knew, things were all good. This should not have happened to him.

Another friend just moved back from being away at college. She broke up with her non-supportive boyfriend (who lives here) a month or so ago. She should have left him a lot sooner, but had a very hard time giving in on the relationship. Apparently he didn't want to be bound by a relationship. The poor girl was heartbroken, long before things ended. He still wanted a physical relationship, of course.

So what's she do the night she gets home? Goes over to his place.

All of this makes me wonder about why we make life so hard on ourselves at times. It's really not hard to be a good person, is it? I know we all make choices for different reasons, but I think in the end most of us all want something similar. To be content and happy in our lives, right? Those of us that are healthy, anyway.

Why do we chose things that lead to unhappiness, both for ourselves and those that we (should) care about?

For me, I try to make choices I can be proud of. Maybe that's not the best yardstick for deciding if something is right/wrong or worth doing, but it's what works for me. What works for you?

[Kevy5150]

I'm hopeful to live a life free from marriage and children. That's how I'll do it.

Sorry to hear about your friends situation. It's unfortunate how people fuck themselves over.

[muffdiver]

I think he has something she can't resist,if ya get what I'm saying......










A cute puppy....???

[MikeL]

I think he has something she can't resist,if ya get what I'm saying......

Not from what I know. Some people aren't particularly skilled, if you know what I'm saying......

I think it has more to do with a sense of dependancy and being unwilling to fail at something she thought was very important to her.

The brain works in funny ways, I guess. If we let ourselves think about something enough, it can seem much more important than it is. My point with her, I think, is that she's trading feeling good and healthy (along with all that brings) to hold onto something that she knows is gone.

We all seem so willing to compromise ourselves at times.

[Down In Flames]

If we let ourselves think about something enough, it can seem much more important than it is. My point with her, I think, is that she's trading feeling good and healthy (along with all that brings) to hold onto something that she knows is gone.

So she's a VH fan, too, huh?

[MikeL]

Now that's perceptive!

[Axxman300]

Some people can't handle being alone.

They'll give you a long list of reasons but the bottom line is that they don't like themselves.

It sucks for your friend who was married to the cop. I have to wonder how he missed it but thats a rhetorical question and none of my beeswax.

Mike, it all comes down to self-esteem. Some people were emotionally or physically abused as children, raise to believe that they were bad people and would never amount to anything. When the most important person in your world, your mother or father, beat that idea into your rear end or yell it into your face every chance they get it tend to take hold. Conversely, when your parents have time for everything in the world but you it tells you exactly how important you must be in the world.

In short, they've been trained to fail. I'm one of those people, it is harder for me to hear a compliment then to get chewed out. I have sat paralyzed in my truck as I talk myself out of walking into a job interview that I'm totally qualified for that would pay me a comfortable living. Have a box where I keep phone numbers of amazing women that I've never called because I don't think I'm good enough.

In short, I'm my own worst enemy.

So, Mike, hopefully you remembered to thank your Mom on mother's day because she raised you right.

[MikeL]

Oh, I did. Spent the day with my folks and my grandparents. I'm a very lucky guy to have that opportunity at my age.

[LLFHS]

I'm hopeful to live a life free from marriage and children. That's how I'll do it.

Ah...how life is so much fuckin simpler that way, yes?

[Van Squalen]

All of this makes me wonder about why we make life so hard on ourselves at times. It's really not hard to be a good person, is it? I know we all make choices for different reasons, but I think in the end most of us all want something similar. To be content and happy in our lives, right? Those of us that are healthy, anyway.

Why do we chose things that lead to unhappiness, both for ourselves and those that we (should) care about?

Because of fear, and greed. Because we are prone to our base impulses. Contentment and happiness can easily transmute to boredom and complacency, unfortunately. Humans are biologically hardwired to exist in tandem with adversity, and in modern days, in the Western world, that often entails self-made and frequently selfish emotional and intellectual dilemmas.

Most third world people simply don't have the time for our patented brand of existential claptrap because they're far too preoccupied with ensuring that they and their families have a meal each day (I ponder this all too frequently, when I'm pitty-pottying about the relativity of being human, as I sit in fat spoiled California with a Starbucks, an all night pharmacy, and a Mickey D's not even half a mile away)...indeed, even the majority of us Euro-whiteys not just a hundred years ago were still struggling with the basic requirements of survival...medicine, clean water, sewage disposal, sustenance, shelter, etc. Western human society, in terms of access to contentment and happiness and safety, has changed more in the last 100 years than in the last ten thousand. It's a little disconcerning to think about, actually. It'd have been in our best interest to match our intellectual and spiritual growth with our expansion of industry. Now...well.

Being human is far easier than being a good person. Humans by nature aren't 'good' at heart. They're not 'bad' either. They're predisposed to serve whatever methods garner the best results. We are a self destructive species, cunning yet often ultimately self-defeating in our intents and purposes. Men and women cheat because the allure of taboo is self-gratifying, but also because men have a biological imperative to spread seed and women have a biological imperative to bear young. People stay with people who aren't good for them because they'd rather stay with the familiar than strike out on their own again. Security often trumps genuine affection.

Being a good person requires a goal of becoming more than what has traditionally been considered 'human.'

[Rebel]

Wow, I feel terrible for your cop friend Mike, I just couldn't imagine. I can understand seperating yourself from everything at a point like that, but now that you've connected back with him, maybe things will turn better for him.

[Kimmie5150]

About a year ago, a friend of mine dropped off the face of the Earth. His phone was disconnected. It's not as though we talked often, but it was strange not to hear from him. None of my other friends had heard from him, either.

So over the weekend, another friend showed me a business card with my buddy's name on it. His brother had run into my long lost friend in a skyway downtown, and got a card from him. I dropped my lost friend an e-mail, and heard back from him this morning.

Turns out that last July, his world came crashing down. His wife of over three years told him she wanted a divorce. She's a cop, and had been cheating on him with a co-worker. She's now pregnant with that upstanding fellow's baby. My friend is a genuinely good guy. As far as he knew, things were all good. This should not have happened to him.

Another friend just moved back from being away at college. She broke up with her non-supportive boyfriend (who lives here) a month or so ago. She should have left him a lot sooner, but had a very hard time giving in on the relationship. Apparently he didn't want to be bound by a relationship. The poor girl was heartbroken, long before things ended. He still wanted a physical relationship, of course.

So what's she do the night she gets home? Goes over to his place.

All of this makes me wonder about why we make life so hard on ourselves at times. It's really not hard to be a good person, is it? I know we all make choices for different reasons, but I think in the end most of us all want something similar. To be content and happy in our lives, right? Those of us that are healthy, anyway.

Why do we chose things that lead to unhappiness, both for ourselves and those that we (should) care about?

For me, I try to make choices I can be proud of. Maybe that's not the best yardstick for deciding if something is right/wrong or worth doing, but it's what works for me. What works for you?

I feel really bad for your friend. No one deserves something like that to happen, but wait and see sooner or later he'll be happier than he ever thought possible. I think everything we experience in life is for a reason.

Maybe the reason your other friend went to see her ex is because she is so hurt from the break up that she'll do anything just to be with him, but one day she'll wake up and realize what a piece of crap he really is. She'll come out the other side, it'll just take some time. I experienced a similar situation and never thought I would be happy again. It took a few years but I am now happier than I ever imagined. Guess who is 34 yrs old and still lives with his parents?

[racefan8]

How weird is that? During my recent long runs, I have really been mulling this exact question over. People, most assuredly myself included, tend to be their own worst enemies. In personal relationships as well as world wide. Like, why the hell do people really allow war? Why do people cheat, lie, and steal? I try to do like you said, Mike, and do what I think is most righteous so to live in relative harmony with my surroundings. When it comes right down to it, doesn't everyone want peace and harmony? Then how the hell do they strap on a suicide bomb and walk out their door with the intention of mayheim? It is beyond my comprehension. In smaller scale, most people seem to never be happy with what they have, and if they get near being happy, they make a bad decision to fuck it up.

People stay with people who aren't good for them because they'd rather stay with the familiar than strike out on their own again. Security often trumps genuine affection.

Precisely. And we are raised to believe we are supposed to get married right after college. It is expected. So most of us make that huge mistake to marry the one we're with when that window appears, instead of waiting for the one that knocks our socks off.

[willy4pres]

In my experience I have come to the conclusion that people take themselves way to seriously. I mean that in a self centred sort of way, they only seem concerned with what makes themselves happy (even though that may not be what's actually best for them).

I have cheated on people and have also been cheated on, none of it happened because I wanted to hurt someone, or vice versa. I have also treated people (relationship people) pretty badly for no real reason, it kinda snowballed over time and before I knew it I was the jerk of the relationship. I have also had many relationships where I was the "good guy", at least that's how I feel about it.

People go back into shitty relationships because their to scared to do something different, it's not any more complicated then that. I have done it myself when I was younger, over the last 12 years or so I was able to knock shit like that out. It may hurt more at first to turn your back on people you care about but in the long run your doing yourself a huge favor doing so. As a friend you have to realize you have know way to stop a friend from making silly mistakes like this, you can't. You might be able to keep them apart for a short amount of time but in the end their going right back, they have to do it themselves (get out).

People dont cheat just to hurt their partners, at least I have never seen it. They sure as hell know it's going to hurt them but that's just not a priority when compared to giving into an urge like that (giving in to a person your really attracted to).

Im going to speak "guy" for a second:

Im 34, I learned years ago that one piece of ass is the same as another (all others). Screwing around when your married will cost you thousands and thousands of dollars and ruin vitally important relationships (especially if you have kids, if you think your kids are going to be cool with it when their older your a dumbass). People need to learn how to be grownups, if you happen to run into someone that seems willing to have sex with you (for women that's an hourly experience) do the smart thing. Run home and grab your partner for a quicky, think about that dream girl or dream boy you just met while your at it. It's obviously not the same but your gonna save yourself and your family a lot of heartache and money.

My second wife (don't ask) was hotter then most here could possibly imagine. She also had a really attractice personality that was really hard for me to ignore, she seemed like the perfect person for me (the fact that she's 9 years younger then me didn't seem very important at the time). I completely ruined a good relationship just to be with her, it turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life. The girl I screwed around on evidently doesn't like being screwed around on, she became the most insane person I have ever run into (guys, don't date women that are 8 years older then you). Thank God I got out of dodge (deployed to Japan, with my new girlfriend, bet it sounds like a sweet deal, it turned out to be less then sweet). After a few months with the new girl my life actually got a lot worse, she turned out to be a suspicous nut job herself (my recent history probably didn't help matters). I couldn't do anything or talk to anyone without going through a pshycotic episode with her, and I mean every single day. From 1999 to 2003 my life was crazier then I could have ever imagined, im suprised I got through it as well as I did.

After a few more horrible decisions I finally ran into Amy, she's a nut and she drives me crazy but in a good way. Every single stupid decision I have ever made since I turned 18 literaly led me to her (im not kidding, I could go into detail but it would shock you). I know what I have now.

This last part had nothing to do with the original post but I felt like talking about it. I guess it does, I made some "odd choices in life", so it fits.

[Ace Ventura]

Hey willy4pres, it sounds like you and I have had similar experiences. I'm 37 and I used to be extremely proficient at making incredibly stupid decisions. I too let myself fall victim to my own bad behavior and my life took a downward spiral for about four years. I was living out in Southern California living the ultimate dream. Killer job, killer money, big house, nice cars, a wife and two kids, solid family....then what do I decide to do? Yeah, have an affair with the chick in accounts payable. Needless to say, the shit hit the fan in every way possible. I ended up divorced, had to give up the job, sell the house and my relationship with my children was severely strained. (That aspect of it is better now, thank God!)

I guess what it comes down to is; make yourself happy. Don't live your life or lead a lifestyle that lives up to anyone's expectations other than your own. Follow your heart and it will lead you to true happiness.

I'm fortunate enough to have lived through all of the bullshit I have created for myself and now I lead a very happy and fruitful life. I have the love of a wonderful woman, two beautiful kids and a very bright future. I think it just takes time for some of us to find our way in life.

"And I am a dreamer, so you sent me away...
Sometimes we dreamers, we just get in the way..." -Shawn Mullins