To Hell With That Woman! The ten best places to go when you’ve had enough, by god!

[onefootoutthedoor]

I ran across this and thought it was pretty funny. I take it the guy lives in San Diego.


http://www.fifthavenuegazette.com/20...re-pissed.html

To Hell With That Woman
The ten best places to go when you’ve had enough, by god!

I don’t care how special your relationship is. No matter whether you and your girlfriend do Pilates and eat wheat germ together, or whether the two of you are more the Chinese take-out, movies-on-demand-types, you’re going to get in a fight once in a while. Sometimes it will be trivial – like the times when you get pissed off because every undergarment she owns is hanging on your shower rod and she counters with, “Oh yeah, well who did the dishes last night?’ and you think, silently, “Well, you should have done them insofar as it was you who dirtied them up in the first place eating like a swine while boring me to tears with hour after hour of TLC.” Other times, it will be more serious, like, for instance, when she says, “I can’t believe you called me the c-word,” and you answer, “Well, how’s about not being one for one moment, ever!”

Yes sir, no matter what you do, you’re going to get in a fight with that woman and when you do, you need to just raise up and get your travel on before you do something you regret. I’ve been fighting with high-strung, impossible-to-get-along-with-no-matter-how-much-stuff-you-pay-for girlfriends for more than two decades now. From my own personal experience I can tell you that you will never be right. They will never shake off the shrug cloak of sanctimony and acknowledge their failings. No matter what the fight is about, you’re wrong, partner. Deal with it. And when you’re wrong, the last thing you want to do is to hang around the house giving her more opportunity to piss you off. You need to bail and here, in reverse order, are the best places to bail to when you just can’t stand one more snide comment or judgmental eye-roll.

10. Your mother’s house – The fact that you enjoy a cold meatloaf sandwich and a glass of milk does not make you a pussy. Go hang with your mother. She loves you – even when you’re an asshole. She has air conditioning. You don’t. She has leftovers. You don’t. She doesn’t live with a malicious reptile. You do. Get thee to thy mother’s house.

9. A titty bar – It’s true, you can’t actually do the horizontal pretzel with the silicone-enhanced, pretend sex objects at whom you will hurl gargantuan sums of sweaty money you can’t afford – there is no sex in the champagne room. But gazing upon what you cannot have will make you realize that what you do have ain’t all that special in the first place.

8. Nunu’s – Scoff if you will. I know it’s a dive bar. But Nunu’s is open from 6:00 a.m. until 2:00 a.m. and nothing bad ever happens there. There are oodles of scantily clad young women there every night and they like it when you buy them drinks. If you can feel pissed off at Nunu’s, shoot yourself.

7. Las Vegas – This option is best reserved for the more serious fights. Las Vegas isn’t far away, and what happens there does in fact stay there. Unfortunately, most of your savings will also stay there. You can get good and drunk in Las Vegas and you can feel mighty big about yourself for several hours. But eventually you’re going to fall asleep and when you wake up, you’re going to be poor. Before you go off to Vegas to get away from the bitch, be sure you can afford a few weeks of austerity upon your return. And if you get laid, keep it to yourself. Don’t even tell your buddy. He’ll find a way to get such information back to your girlfriend – the prick.

6. Borrego Springs – Right now you’re thinking, “What the fuck?” Yes, Borrego Springs is a great place to get away from your ball and chain. Only lizards and a few succulents can live there without technology – and thus there are very few ice-cold twats hanging around to remind you of the one you left behind. All you can possibly do in Borrego Springs is sit in a bar and drink. It’s one hell of an escape. I assure you.

5. Whatever bar your ex-girlfriend hangs out at – This one can be dicey. Chances are good that if you run into your ex she is not going to want to fuck you. In fact, since you’re going to be all stinking drunk and mopey as shit, nobody will want to fuck you. But your ex will take mercy on you and make sure you get home safely. The fact that she is involved in your life at all will make your current girlfriend feel violated. It’s an effective thing to do, just anticipate the consequences and act appropriately.

4. The gym – Pumping iron pumps testosterone, which makes you feel superior to any woman. Focus on power-lifting. Aerobic exercise will just tire you out and make you prone to apologize and that’s the worst thing you can do. It’s not your fault. Repeat that to yourself during sets of dumbbell curls. “It’s not my fault – 1. It’s not my fault – 2 . . .

3. Any sporting event of any kind – Although football, basketball and baseball are good choices, it’s best to pick something she would particularly hate. Try to find an ultimate fighting championship, or perhaps a roller derby. Hook up with some guys with paint on their chests and get shit-faced. When you come home, kick open the door and scream “God damn that was fun! Who wants some dick?” With any luck you’ll keep her awake and silently concerned all night.

2. Your buddy’s place – The best thing about your buddy’s place is no matter how shitty you get and no matter what an asshole you make of yourself, he won’t let you get into any lasting trouble. That’s what buddies are for. If you bring your own booze, he’ll let you stay for a few days. Choose a buddy who does not live with a woman. The two of you can spend a whole weekend hating chicks. He needs you as much as you need him. Neither one of you needs some woman bringing you down all the time.

1. Mexico – From my front door to Los Castillos del Mar, just south of the Rosarito Beach Hotel, is less than 40 miles. Los Castillos del Mar offers rustic rooms for $60 per night. They have one working television channel, no international phones and no internet service. Your room backs up to a private, pristine cove on the Pacific that is breathtakingly tranquil. The pool is sparkling clean and the bar is 12 steps away. Nobody in Mexico is upset about anything. There are no Al Qaeda cells in Rosarito.

If you go to Mexico, your girlfriend will accuse you of whoring around. Little does she know that if you wanted to whore around, you wouldn’t have to go to a foreign country. The only reason you’re going to Mexico is that there is absolutely no chance of running into her there. Mexico is the closest place on earth where no matter what you do and no matter what she does, she can’t fuck anything up for you.

So there you have it. The ten best places to go to get away from that woman and let her know that no matter how self-satisfied she wants to feel in her insulated little box, she is not right about everything all the damn time. If you fight regularly enough, you can try out every destination on the list. But I personally suggest fighting just once and opting for Mexico. Although the other nine options are perfectly valid, they just don’t compare to the ultimate get-away.

You’ve been told.

[Van Squalen]

Classic.

3 of those are mainstays for myself, and not just when the little woman boots me to the couch. True, several of them are exclusive SoCal options, but I'm sure the equivalents lay true for other regions.

He's right about Mom, Mexico, and Vegas, fer sure, dude.

[vhrocker]

I'm stayin' at my buddies house right now. Hell all of us guys need to get away. Let's all go to Mexico or Vegas!!!

NO MATTER WHAT, Mom is ALWAYS there for ya.

[LLFHS]

God-fuckin-donuts....I love being SINGLE!!

[AT]

I love it when these kinds of topics come up just after I've gotten engaged.

I have a recording studio a few miles away I can retreat to. And I already sleep on the couch most of the time anyway.

[smme5150]

Andrew, my advice to you would be a pre-nup like agreement on all your guitars! Furthermore, the girl is now dealing with your guitar fetish because she has to. I assure you that will change to bitching and complaining about them when her last name changes to Thomas! It will start innocent enough with a comment or two, then it will turn into resentment and depise when she realizes that you spend more time carressing and holding your fiddles than her. Count on it!

You've been warned my friend!

[ZeoBandit]

Great list!

[AT]

Andrew, my advice to you would be a pre-nup like agreement on all your guitars! Furthermore, the girl is now dealing with your guitar fetish because she has to. I assure you that will change to bitching and complaining about them when her last name changes to Thomas! It will start innocent enough with a comment or two, then it will turn into resentment and depise when she realizes that you spend more time carressing and holding your fiddles than her. Count on it!

You've been warned my friend!

Holy crap, brother! Did you have a bad marriage experience?!

Actually, she's keeping her last name. I like that, as the last name change thing goes back to the days of "owning" your wife. (I can be a damn liberal like that sometimes.)

My guitar fetish didn't start until about a year into our relationship. She's been witness to the purchase/building of more than 20 guitars! She knows what's up.

[muffdiver]

Actually, she's keeping her last name. I like that, as the last name change thing goes back to the days of "owning" your wife. (I can be a damn liberal like that sometimes.)

Just don't let her convince you to change your name to hers....
Unless her name's Dandy....Then you'd be Andy Dandy.....That'd be cool...

Off to the "drinkin' while postin" thread to confess...