DIVORCE :(

[Eddie Rocks!!!]

I never thought this would happen, but I divorced my husband 4 months ago. I'm having a hard time dealing with this. We still love each other, but can't live with each other. We were together for 12 years, married for 9. I'm trying to stay busy by working 56 hours a week at 2 jobs, and have 2 home businesses running. It's just sad that when I told him I wanted a divorce, he said ok without even wanting to try to work things out. Ever since his accident 9 years ago, he just wants to be alone. We haven't done anything together for a long time. Any advice on how I can get over it?

[AT]

Ironic that a guy who just got engaged is writing this...

I'm reminded of one breakup in particular; it was several years ago, but she and I had been together a long time. That's not a marriage by any means, but in this instance it's how I relate.

I went through a period where I just let myself feel the unhappiness, and I took any of the little overcompensating bits (like excessive working) for what it was--therapy. The year or so of recovery I still consider to be one of the defining years of my adult life. I'd spent so much time--being and planning--as "we," that I had to return to "me." I revisited things that were all about me, mostly stuff I'd done prior to the relationship. And I just decided it was okay to get out and do things on my own; I saw movies, traveled, shopped, went to concerts--whatever I wanted to... alone. I discovered a couple of new TV shows and looked forward to them. I treated myself to a new guitar and logged some serious time on it. I got serious about working out and put myself in the best shape of my life. I reconnected with friends I hadn't seen in a while.

A stupid movie quote this might be, but in "Swingers" there was a good line that sticks with me: "You miss her, and then eventually you miss missing her." For me it was a period where I did so much sell-discovery, and my consciousness was so heightened, that I sometimes do indeed miss the "growth" era that it was.

My brother divorced after ten years of marriage now a few years ago. He was miserable for the first several months, and about a year later he met someone who he's now been with for almost two years. In some ways his marriage had stumped his career (we're both professional musicians). He'd slipped into patterns that didn't really give him room to push forward. His divorce--even though he didn't want it--forced him to re-organize his priorities and re-examine his personal life, career, and time. He'll be the first to admit now he's better off for it.

Stay as positive as you can, and do good things for yourself. Don't be afraid to take a quick peek back every now and then to see the progress you've made (which usually happens in very incrementally small steps).

[jimmy812]

I never thought this would happen, but I divorced my husband 4 months ago. I'm having a hard time dealing with this. We still love each other, but can't live with each other. We were together for 12 years, married for 9. I'm trying to stay busy by working 56 hours a week at 2 jobs, and have 2 home businesses running. It's just sad that when I told him I wanted a divorce, he said ok without even wanting to try to work things out. Ever since his accident 9 years ago, he just wants to be alone. We haven't done anything together for a long time. Any advice on how I can get over it?

Do you have any children?

The simple fact is that it's going to take time to get over it. So now you need to fill that time. The ability to cope with something like this is different in all of us, but we all go through it on some level at some time. Andrew made some good points in his post, and I can definitely relate to the self-discovery after a break-up. At first it was miserable but then eventually bounced back (it sounds much easier than it was). For me, I was fortunate enough to have a several friends that were able to take my mind off of things. We travelled, we went to concerts, we went out, flirted with girls, etc. We are also all on the same softball team so that was something else that took my mind off of things.
Like Andrew said, stay positive and do good things for yourself. It'll be alright in the end, it's just the 'now' that stinks.

[csm5150]

I can kinda of relate to this as well. I was dating someone, granted not married but still I can relate. We dated for a long time and I cared for her deeply. We made plans to move out of town so she could go back to school. I was going to do the same as well. One day after I had moved and was w/her she just comes out of the blue and says she's not happy and doesn't want to be w/me anymore. I hurt like hell and I took it hard. I tried to get back w/her, but she had nothing to do w/it. It took some time for me to get over it. It was a bad time in my life-I wasn't who I normally am. I was an even bigger asshole than I normally am. Its funny though, I ended up going back to work at the casino she was at after several years. She tried to talk to me, but b/c of my job and b/c I resented her, for lack of a better word, I kept it professional. She moved away and needed me to sign off on a car I had co-signed w/her-one of the dumbest things I did. She came home and I signed off on it. Basically the whole time I talked to her was a series of one word answers. We leave the lawyers office and she begins to bawl. Normally that would have made me feel bad, but this time it pissed me off. She told me how she misses me and how she hates how things became between us. I looked at her and said I don't. I then asked her who's fault is it for the way things are between us? I then hugged her, wished her a good life, told her I'd see her around (even though we live in different states), and walked away as she boo-hoo'ed on the sidewalk.

Point of my ramblings is things do get better. It may take some time, but they do get better. You think it sucks now, but it does get better. Just don't do like I did and sleep w/every person of the opposite sex who crosses your path-that only makes things more complicated.

[Aristotle]

I've never been through a divorce but I can tell you that the 2 times I went through a serious breakup I went straight into a shallow/short-term rebound relationship and it really helped me.

It was a huge confidence boost (something very valuable in your lonely hours) and it also helped me to rediscover the independent Me. Some would really disagree with me and perhaps it would be wrong to follow my advice. I am only speaking from experience.

The second thing that was a great help was to let the opposite person know exactly how much you dislike the way they have behaved and why. Don't let this resentment towards him eat you up inside.

Its very hard to offer advice to someone I dont know. Hope you find a way to cope.

[AT]

I've never been through a divorce but I can tell you that the 2 times I went through a serious breakup I went straight into a shallow/short-term rebound relationship and it really helped me.

It was a huge confidence boost (something very valuable in your lonely hours) and it also helped me to rediscover the independent Me. Some would really disagree with me and perhaps it would be wrong to follow my advice. I am only speaking from experience.

The second thing that was a great help was to let the opposite person know exactly how much you dislike the way they have behaved and why. Don't let this resentment towards him eat you up inside.

Its very hard to offer advice to someone I dont know. Hope you find a way to cope.

Aristotle, with all due respect, I have to agree it would indeed be very wrong to follow your advice. Take advantage of another person and also be spiteful to your ex? Those are hardly productive or healthy, and they are most definitely selfish. I believe to truly--and honestly--find solace after a relationship one must do it independent of irrational, emotional reaction. Practicality weighs much bigger in emotional recovery.

[F'nRockstar]

Do get out there and start dating again! (ps...don't talk about your ex to people you date) It is a huge confidence boost. Hang with friends and do fun things. Exercise!! Working that much will just stress you out.

[darthadv]

it will pass... try to stay positive... although i don't know the details, if it was meant to be, it wouldn't be a difficult thing to stay together... sometimes, even though two people feel very strongly for one another, they're just not a good fit for each other, and you want both of you to be happy in the end... don't mistake a situation that you may have felt comfortable in as something you are regretting to have left... at least you both realized that it wasn't working and you worked it out constructively... good luck! things will turn up!

[chefcraig]

A little specificity would help. Aside from working your self senseless, do you have friends left (real ones, not the fucktards that sided with your ex, never to be heard from again) to share your thoughts with, to lend a shoulder for emotional support? Have you considered seeing others, or are you still bound by the baggage hanging around?

The reason I ask is that it is important for you to realise that one never truly "get's over" a failed marriage. It fell apart, and even if you are totally blameless in the situation's demise, you are going to feel some guilt. (It helps if the ex in question is somehow despicable, a living piece of dogshit that provides a good target for the rage one feel's inside. )

Having chewed the same dirt as you twice now, my advice is simple: Simply go on living your life. Do not beat yourself up over crud that you have zero chance of changing (like the past).

It's ok to feel sorry for yourself, yet it's not ok to dwell on it until you become stagnant.

Buy some new clothes, try a different type of drink at the bar, eat (or cook) a type of meal/food you've never tried, experiance some new things excluding karioke(sp), which is plainly immoral and offensive to all but the person performing it.

In other words, live. As churchfolk say, "act as if you have faith and faith will be given to you". Shit does indeed happen. Surviving it is the important thing and part of the lesson.

Good luck, and welcome to your new life. Trust me, it will keep your interest.

...craig

[the_atomic_punks_rule]

Point of my ramblings is things do get better. It may take some time, but they do get better. You think it sucks now, but it does get better. Just don't do like I did and sleep w/every person of the opposite sex who crosses your path-that only makes things more complicated.

Yeah, but way more fun!

[h*bunter]

I'm divorced too.

I'd love to talk to you.

If you'd like, PM me.

Bruce

[muffdiver]

Hittin' on her already.....tsk,tsk....



Anyways, there's a shitload of us here that have been thru this too...
It is very tough as Chef said, but it will be ok...


Take a trip, relax, try to get your head straight...(let this dude pour ya a few Waboritas)

[sisca]

divorce was the best thing to ever happen in my marriage. well, except for the reception. that was a blast.

[Steven B]

This thread scares me...........

[knuck]

We still love each other, but can't live with each other.

Find solace in the fact that you two will eventually get along better than ever, that the love's not lost - just the intimacy. Folks tend to think that the end of a relationship is the end of a life with that person, but it's usually because you're mourning the loss of security rather than intimacy or love. You said it yourself that you just can't live with each other. You gave it a fair shake, and now you've got a new path in front of you so look at the silver lining. At least that's how I've kept moving forward in my situations.