An Open Letter From Axl Rose...

**chefcraig** · 03.20.07, 08:39 AM

From: W. Axl Rose (aka William Bailey)
To: The General Public
Subject: The RRHOF

Greetings fans of rock and or roll.
(I am currently addressing this letter to the public, as there seems to be a fault within my cell phone prohibiting people in the industry from returning my calls.)

Over the weekend while visiting my mom's house (she has basic cable) to watch an episode of FX's "Dirt", I channel surfed across VH-1's presentation of the "Rock and Roll Hall of Fame" 2007 induction. I was quite astounded to catch several of my former employees inducting the group "Van Hilton" into the hall, followed by a performance of the band's (Hilton's) music.

I am certain that anyone else witnessing this flatulence inducing "performance" was as appalled as I. The "singer" for this act apparently had some sort of hygenic disorder which led to him continually swatt at various insects that appeared so minutely small they were visable only to him. This was compounded by his vocalising. This problem is a symptom shared by myself and "singer" Chris Cornell (formerly of "Gardening Against The Machine", "SoundSlave", "Fred's Audio Sound Installation", whatever...) in that the "singer" can only sound decent within the confines of a well insulated recording studio, along with it's various vocal enhancements. Sadly, in a live setting, we can't sing our collective way out of a wet paper bag.

This was further compounded by the "musical" aspects of the band. In the future, I would highly recommend at least a good solid ten minutes or so of rehearsal, rather than beginning a performance by someone yelling "Start!" and all members commence playing some riffs that vaguely represent the song, then having someone else yell "Stop!" to finish it. Note to Slash: The tune "Ain't Talking 'Bout Love" is played primarily on an A minor chord (found on page two of most "Mel Bay" songbooks). Using this chord, one barely has to move one's hand throughout the entire song!

This cannot be said of the second tune the band attempted, apparently called "Rub Around". From memory this song has what is called a "melody", which the band failed to learn. I myself know of the device, as I once used a melody in my song "Sweet Child O' Mine".

Overall this sloppy, halfhearted and witted performance ultimately damages my own legacy. In the space of a mere 12 minutes of tv time, the band has done more to tarnish what was once great about my band moreso than my own bizarre behavior and abruptly cancelled/late/mediocre concert performances over the past dozen or so years. (I will refrain from comment regarding my upcoming and "due any day now" opus "Chinese Food Democracy". Fine art, like fine wine and good ramen noodles should not be presented before it's prime.)

As a result I am requesting the public join me in instigating an "intervention" upon the members of the charmingly named Velvet Re-Volvo, and inducing the band to return to their former respective status in the bands STP and Guns and Roses" in studio work only. I feel this will work in a twofold manner: "A". No longer would Velvet Spot Remover foist the sham of their collective "talents" upon innocent music fans and concert goers (the above mentioned "live on stage problem") in a live setting (After all, the paying public is entitled to one's best behavior at all times, as I always strive for) and "B"...the shit these guys pulled the other night embarrassed even me!

I further believe such an "intervention" will return me to my proper place at the pinnacle of the rock and roll universe, rather than merely casting me into the anals of it's history.

I must end this now as internet use on this particular workstation disconnects the "drive-thru" speaker, and I can hear several car horns honking as a result.

All future correspondance in this manner should be forwarded to Bill Bailey, c/o "KFC/TacoBell/Pizzahut Superstore", Van Nuys, California where I recently gained employment.

Sincerely, W. Axl Rose (See? My initials spell WAR! Really cool, huh? Believe it or not, I thought it up when I was only 12!)

**Lodewijk5150** · 03.20.07, 08:43 AM

Bold move by the dramaqueen himself..

**MF5150** · 03.20.07, 08:46 AM

This is a joke? Or is it real? I'm leaning more towards the unreal side.

**Guitar Shark** · 03.20.07, 08:50 AM

And this is why craig is the MAN.

Beautiful stuff.

**Otis5150** · 03.20.07, 09:02 AM

Originally Posted by EvH_316_5150

This is a joke? Or is it real? I'm leaning more towards the unreal side.

Surely, you can't be serious??? ("I am serious and stop calling me Shirley.") Of course, it's a joke. Nice work, though, Chef.

**guitar5150** · 03.20.07, 09:08 AM

Great Joke!

**Interceptor** · 03.20.07, 09:10 AM

The second song "Rub Around"!?! That's what I do when my wife won't give me any. That's after I Run Around trying to seduce her.

**vhrocker** · 03.20.07, 09:28 AM

TOO DAMN FUNNY!!!!!

Good one chefcraig

**Wickett** · 03.20.07, 10:07 AM

From memory this song has what is called a "melody", which the band failed to learn. I myself know of the device, as I once used a melody in my song "Sweet Child O' Mine".

beautiful.

That was great

**SterileEyes** · 03.20.07, 10:38 AM

This can't be real.

Axl's real open letter was on December 14th and it featured a tentative release date of March 6th for Chinese Democracy that...surprise surprise...came and went.

It said they had a few 'minor additions' to complete. Then two months later, they said that more drums and guitar solos had been recorded and that they were currently mixing. 'Minor additions' indeed.

In other words, this open letter is too honest to be from Axl himself

...not that I'm bitter that GN'R and VH happen to be my two favorite bands...biggest fuckups of them all

P.S. I saw Axl's new band 3 times last year. I would love to tell you that it sucked and that Axl is disgracing the name Guns N' Roses, but I can't tell a lie. Axl sounded fucking fantastic as did his entire band. No "technological" tricks, no joke, they put on a hell of a show. And yes, I almost cried when I watched the 2002 Video Music Awards trainwreck. His voice is, literally, 100x better and his band really started to gel this last tour. His voice is as good as it was in 1991. They also do a 2.5 hour show and he runs all over the place. Also, his worst new song is way better than Velvet Revolver's best song, put it that way (if Velvet Revolver even have a best song). I noticed a dig in the letter about how he couldn't 'sing his way out of a wet paper bag' live anymore...sorry bud, simply not true, you'd be wise to give the new band a chance if you want some kick ass hard rock music (the new stuff is surprisingly good and fresh). Other than that, funny post!