What happened?

**wip5150** · 02.01.07, 12:57 PM

Seriously, what in the name of Spinal Tap happened to this band?

It boggles my 37 year old brain to fully fathom what this band has become which, in case you haven't figured it out, is a joke. Let's take a look, shall we:

Exhibit A
At the pinnacle of their early career in 1984, the group loses the most charasmatic frontman on the planet. It really doesn't matter if he was fired or he quit, the fact is the band lost their singer at the absolute zenith of their career.

Exhibit B
Against all odds (not the Phil Collins song) the band actually achieves more success (commercially) with Sammy Hagar. At the time, Ed made comments about how great Sammy was both as a human being and as a singer/creative partner. Remember Ed saying "now there's no governor" on MTV's Unleashed? But, again, at what I believe is their creative peak, they ditch Sam. Again, it doesn't matter if he was fired or he quit - the fact is, he was gone and the band had to find another singer.

Exhibit C - botched Roth reunion numero uno
The band, reunited with a pre-paramedic Dave, records a few new songs for the first greatest hits album. They go pubic during the MTV awards and Dave, with his pants pulled up to his neck like Grandpa Simpson, dances a disturbing dance while Ed scowls at him decked out in white overalls. Ed, gallantly defending Beck's right to a "thank you" speech without Dave's "Safety Dance" sqashes the reunion and, once again, Van Halen is without a singer.

Exhibit D
Enter Gary Cherone who is, as Ed would claim for all to hear, his "musical soul mate". One mediocre album and one equally mediocre tour later, Gary leaves the band on good terms. Sadly, this also begins Ed's romance with the sustainer.

Exhibit E - botched Roth reunion numero dos
Around 2000, Ed and Dave figuratively kiss and make up (not the book by Gene Simmons) and supposedly record a few new songs up at Howdy Doody Mountain. Sadly, these tracks are never heard and Dave either quits or is dismissed again. It should also be noted that around this time Ed was diagnosed with cancer and then proceeded to beat cancer.

Exhibit F - botched Hagar reunion numero uno
Sam and Al meet for lunch, share some spinach dip as well as good olde tyme memories and decide to give it another run. Ed doesn't want Captain Hot Sauce to be a part of this little reunion but Captain Tequila won't be a part of it unless Tabasco is. Mr. Anthony wants to be a part of it and signs away future royalties and becomes a salaried employee of Van Halen. Even so, they record three songs WITHOUT Captain Hot Sauce for their second greatest hits record in eight years.

In any event, the band tours in support of the latest greatest hits record. As the tour drags on, Ed's playing and behavior become more and more eratic. Fed up at the end of the tour and most likely turned off by Ed's scribbling all over himself, Sam quits the band. In what is probably a moment of foreshadowing, Ed brings Wolfgang on stage at several stops where Van Halen the younger plays 316 with his dad - a pretty cool moment.

Exhibit G
Ed, once again without a singer and sitting on top of a mountion of music that the public will never hear, opens his heart and doors to pornography (not the Extreme album, Pornograffiti). Still proving his undying devotion to the sustainer, Ed records two tracks for some high-tone porn flick and even allows some of the scenes to be shot at his house. My sense is that the sales of Pine-Sol in the Howdy Doody Mountain area skyrocketed after the movie shoot, but I digress

Exhibit H - most likely botched Roth reunion numero tres
The fraudulent Rock and Roll Hall of Fame finally decides to induct Van Halen. Ed and company use this little shindig as a vehicle to reuinte with the Medicine Man for a third time - this time without Captain Hot Sauce. Instead, Ed decides that Wolfgang is now the once and future bass player in the band. Much like he did when both Sam and Gary first joined the band, Ed professes Wolfie's brilliance on the four stringed instrument and that we all should be prepared for his greatness. Ed says, "He (Wolfie) was brought up in a house where music was always around". Curiously, Ed forgets to mention that there was probably quite a bit of quality porn always around as well.

Luckily, the fans who missed out on the previous TWO greatest hits albums will have an opportunity to pick one up at their local Sound Warehouse as it does not appear that Mr. Roth will have the opportunity to lend his vocals to any of the "10 albums of new music" Ed continues to sit on.

Ed can do whateever he wants with Van Halen - the name and the band. As he has said on many occasions, it is his name. But, as a fan (and a die-hard one at that), I don't have to buy into this shit anymore. I'm a "just" a fan and that doesn't give me the right to demand anything from Ed nor does it give me the right to judge what I consider to be questionable actions by him in the past 12 years. But, as a fan, I can speak with my wallet and I don't see it making a guest appearance at a Van Halen show near me this summer nor will I be plunking down my hard-earned clams for songs I have several times over.

Ed, thanks for the memories. It's time to dream another dream - for this fan, the dream is over.

:end of rant:

*note to Brick - feel free to close this thread if you want as I know it's been stated many times in many ways here over the past few days. My feelings won't be hurt*

**sickman** · 02.01.07, 01:04 PM

Well that does sum it up.

**muffdiver** · 02.01.07, 01:05 PM

..

**the_atomic_punks_rule** · 02.01.07, 01:13 PM

Originally Posted by wip5150

Seriously, what in the name of Spinal Tap happened to this band?

It boggles my 37 year old brain to fully fathom what this band has become which, in case you haven't figured it out, is a joke. Let's take a look, shall we:

Exhibit A
At the pinnacle of their early career in 1984, the group loses the most charasmatic frontman on the planet. It really doesn't matter if he was fired or he quit, the fact is the band lost their singer at the absolute zenith of their career.

Exhibit B
Against all odds (not the Phil Collins song) the band actually achieves more success (commercially) with Sammy Hagar. At the time, Ed made comments about how great Sammy was both as a human being and as a singer/creative partner. Remember Ed saying "now there's no governor" on MTV's Unleashed? But, again, at what I believe is their creative peak, they ditch Sam. Again, it doesn't matter if he was fired or he quit - the fact is, he was gone and the band had to find another singer.

Exhibit C - botched Roth reunion numero uno
The band, reunited with a pre-paramedic Dave, records a few new songs for the first greatest hits album. They go pubic during the MTV awards and Dave, with his pants pulled up to his neck like Grandpa Simpson, dances a disturbing dance while Ed scowls at him decked out in white overalls. Ed, gallantly defending Beck's right to a "thank you" speech without Dave's "Safety Dance" sqashes the reunion and, once again, Van Halen is without a singer.

Exhibit D
Enter Gary Cherone who is, as Ed would claim for all to hear, his "musical soul mate". One mediocre album and one equally mediocre tour later, Gary leaves the band on good terms. Sadly, this also begins Ed's romance with the sustainer.

Exhibit E - botched Roth reunion numero dos
Around 2000, Ed and Dave figuratively kiss and make up (not the book by Gene Simmons) and supposedly record a few new songs up at Howdy Doody Mountain. Sadly, these tracks are never heard and Dave either quits or is dismissed again. It should also be noted that around this time Ed was diagnosed with cancer and then proceeded to beat cancer.

Exhibit F - botched Hagar reunion numero uno
Sam and Al meet for lunch, share some spinach dip as well as good olde tyme memories and decide to give it another run. Ed doesn't want Captain Hot Sauce to be a part of this little reunion but Captain Tequila won't be a part of it unless Tabasco is. Mr. Anthony wants to be a part of it and signs away future royalties and becomes a salaried employee of Van Halen. Even so, they record three songs WITHOUT Captain Hot Sauce for their second greatest hits record in eight years.

In any event, the band tours in support of the latest greatest hits record. As the tour drags on, Ed's playing and behavior become more and more eratic. Fed up at the end of the tour and most likely turned off by Ed's scribbling all over himself, Sam quits the band. In what is probably a moment of foreshadowing, Ed brings Wolfgang on stage at several stops where Van Halen the younger plays 316 with his dad - a pretty cool moment.

Exhibit G
Ed, once again without a singer and sitting on top of a mountion of music that the public will never hear, opens his heart and doors to pornography (not the Extreme album, Pornograffiti). Still proving his undying devotion to the sustainer, Ed records two tracks for some high-tone porn flick and even allows some of the scenes to be shot at his house. My sense is that the sales of Pine-Sol in the Howdy Doody Mountain area skyrocketed after the movie shoot, but I digress

Exhibit H - most likely botched Roth reunion numero tres
The fraudulent Rock and Roll Hall of Fame finally decides to induct Van Halen. Ed and company use this little shindig as a vehicle to reuinte with the Medicine Man for a third time - this time without Captain Hot Sauce. Instead, Ed decides that Wolfgang is now the once and future bass player in the band. Much like he did when both Sam and Gary first joined the band, Ed professes Wolfie's brilliance on the four stringed instrument and that we all should be prepared for his greatness. Ed says, "He (Wolfie) was brought up in a house where music was always around". Curiously, Ed forgets to mention that there was probably quite a bit of quality porn always around as well.

Luckily, the fans who missed out on the previous TWO greatest hits albums will have an opportunity to pick one up at their local Sound Warehouse as it does not appear that Mr. Roth will have the opportunity to lend his vocals to any of the "10 albums of new music" Ed continues to sit on.

Ed can do whateever he wants with Van Halen - the name and the band. As he has said on many occasions, it is his name. But, as a fan (and a die-hard one at that), I don't have to buy into this shit anymore. I'm a "just" a fan and that doesn't give me the right to demand anything from Ed nor does it give me the right to judge what I consider to be questionable actions by him in the past 12 years. But, as a fan, I can speak with my wallet and I don't see it making a guest appearance at a Van Halen show near me this summer nor will I be plunking down my hard-earned clams for songs I have several times over.

Ed, thanks for the memories. It's time to dream another dream - for this fan, the dream is over.

:end of rant:

*note to Brick - feel free to close this thread if you want as I know it's been stated many times in many ways here over the past few days. My feelings won't be hurt*

great post.... i guarantee you go to a show.

**Brett** · 02.01.07, 01:20 PM

Welcome back WIP, long time no see.

**wip5150** · 02.01.07, 01:21 PM

Originally Posted by Brett

Welcome back WIP, long time no see.

Thanks, Brick. I just felt the need to express myself (not the Madonna song).

**Bad to the Bone** · 02.01.07, 01:25 PM

not to be a stickler but I'm thinking Mike was the one who said there was no governor on the band anymore.....sorry.

**wip5150** · 02.01.07, 01:29 PM

Originally Posted by Bad to the Bone

not to be a stickler but I'm thinking Mike was the one who said there was no governor on the band anymore.....sorry.

Actually you're wrong - Ed said it between tugs of Heineken.

**Chief_71** · 02.01.07, 02:05 PM

Dude, that was hilarious! Thanks for the laughs and the accurate summary!

**darthadv** · 02.01.07, 02:24 PM

the next logical step is to obviously reunite with gary... he could handle doing the bonus tracks of both currently available best of compilations...

**SuckaInA3Piece** · 02.01.07, 02:38 PM

Originally Posted by wip5150

Seriously, what in the name of Spinal Tap happened to this band?

It boggles my 37 year old brain to fully fathom what this band has become which, in case you haven't figured it out, is a joke. Let's take a look, shall we:

Exhibit A
At the pinnacle of their early career in 1984, the group loses the most charasmatic frontman on the planet. It really doesn't matter if he was fired or he quit, the fact is the band lost their singer at the absolute zenith of their career.

Exhibit B
Against all odds (not the Phil Collins song) the band actually achieves more success (commercially) with Sammy Hagar. At the time, Ed made comments about how great Sammy was both as a human being and as a singer/creative partner. Remember Ed saying "now there's no governor" on MTV's Unleashed? But, again, at what I believe is their creative peak, they ditch Sam. Again, it doesn't matter if he was fired or he quit - the fact is, he was gone and the band had to find another singer.

Exhibit C - botched Roth reunion numero uno
The band, reunited with a pre-paramedic Dave, records a few new songs for the first greatest hits album. They go pubic during the MTV awards and Dave, with his pants pulled up to his neck like Grandpa Simpson, dances a disturbing dance while Ed scowls at him decked out in white overalls. Ed, gallantly defending Beck's right to a "thank you" speech without Dave's "Safety Dance" sqashes the reunion and, once again, Van Halen is without a singer.

Exhibit D
Enter Gary Cherone who is, as Ed would claim for all to hear, his "musical soul mate". One mediocre album and one equally mediocre tour later, Gary leaves the band on good terms. Sadly, this also begins Ed's romance with the sustainer.

Exhibit E - botched Roth reunion numero dos
Around 2000, Ed and Dave figuratively kiss and make up (not the book by Gene Simmons) and supposedly record a few new songs up at Howdy Doody Mountain. Sadly, these tracks are never heard and Dave either quits or is dismissed again. It should also be noted that around this time Ed was diagnosed with cancer and then proceeded to beat cancer.

Exhibit F - botched Hagar reunion numero uno
Sam and Al meet for lunch, share some spinach dip as well as good olde tyme memories and decide to give it another run. Ed doesn't want Captain Hot Sauce to be a part of this little reunion but Captain Tequila won't be a part of it unless Tabasco is. Mr. Anthony wants to be a part of it and signs away future royalties and becomes a salaried employee of Van Halen. Even so, they record three songs WITHOUT Captain Hot Sauce for their second greatest hits record in eight years.

In any event, the band tours in support of the latest greatest hits record. As the tour drags on, Ed's playing and behavior become more and more eratic. Fed up at the end of the tour and most likely turned off by Ed's scribbling all over himself, Sam quits the band. In what is probably a moment of foreshadowing, Ed brings Wolfgang on stage at several stops where Van Halen the younger plays 316 with his dad - a pretty cool moment.

Exhibit G
Ed, once again without a singer and sitting on top of a mountion of music that the public will never hear, opens his heart and doors to pornography (not the Extreme album, Pornograffiti). Still proving his undying devotion to the sustainer, Ed records two tracks for some high-tone porn flick and even allows some of the scenes to be shot at his house. My sense is that the sales of Pine-Sol in the Howdy Doody Mountain area skyrocketed after the movie shoot, but I digress

Exhibit H - most likely botched Roth reunion numero tres
The fraudulent Rock and Roll Hall of Fame finally decides to induct Van Halen. Ed and company use this little shindig as a vehicle to reuinte with the Medicine Man for a third time - this time without Captain Hot Sauce. Instead, Ed decides that Wolfgang is now the once and future bass player in the band. Much like he did when both Sam and Gary first joined the band, Ed professes Wolfie's brilliance on the four stringed instrument and that we all should be prepared for his greatness. Ed says, "He (Wolfie) was brought up in a house where music was always around". Curiously, Ed forgets to mention that there was probably quite a bit of quality porn always around as well.

Luckily, the fans who missed out on the previous TWO greatest hits albums will have an opportunity to pick one up at their local Sound Warehouse as it does not appear that Mr. Roth will have the opportunity to lend his vocals to any of the "10 albums of new music" Ed continues to sit on.

Ed can do whateever he wants with Van Halen - the name and the band. As he has said on many occasions, it is his name. But, as a fan (and a die-hard one at that), I don't have to buy into this shit anymore. I'm a "just" a fan and that doesn't give me the right to demand anything from Ed nor does it give me the right to judge what I consider to be questionable actions by him in the past 12 years. But, as a fan, I can speak with my wallet and I don't see it making a guest appearance at a Van Halen show near me this summer nor will I be plunking down my hard-earned clams for songs I have several times over.

Ed, thanks for the memories. It's time to dream another dream - for this fan, the dream is over.

:end of rant:

*note to Brick - feel free to close this thread if you want as I know it's been stated many times in many ways here over the past few days. My feelings won't be hurt*

Damn Bill, fuck ya been?

Great post by the way. Dead on.