Alex Van Halenís 1984 Tour Diary
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  1. #1
    Light Up The Sky

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    Alex Van Halenís 1984 Tour Diary



    January 24, 1984: Little Rock, AR
    I love my drums. Itís been driving me categorically bonkers that I havenít been able to come up with a rockiní way to show the fans exactly how much I adore my lilí babies (drums). That all changed tonight in Little Rock during my second drum solo.

    Iím busy pounding mad-beats on my Luddies when all of a sudden Michael Anthony starts pouring Jack Daniels all over my right-most bass drum. Something hits me when the cannon firesónot a cannon ball, but an idea! I jump over my kit and begin licking the J.D. off of my drums. The more I lick, the more Michael Anthony pours, until it becomes apparent that I plan to give my entire drum kit a thorough tongue-bath.

    Iím positive that every rock Ďn roller in the Barton Coliseum tonight left with a firm understanding of just how much I worship my skins. That is, unless they assume I was showing my love for the J.D. I mean, I love J.D. too, but I hope thereís no confusion.

    January 29, 1984: Birmingham, AL
    We went out to dinner before the show and decided to ask our opening act Autograph to join us. What a great group of guys! David Lee came up with this crazy idea that our bands should get fake-married to each other as a way of symbolizing the new friendship. Both bands unanimously agreed that it was the best idea weíd ever heard in our entire lives. I fake-proposed to drummer Keni Richards, who whole-heartedly accepted.

    Things momentarily soured when Edwardís new partner Steven Lynch expressed his annoyance with Edwardís decision to eat his meal with his back to the table. All the madness was remedied after Edward explained that he was simply ďguarding his chewing technique from the rest of us.Ē Duh!

    February 7, 1984: Dayton, OH
    I bought a new drum. The drum I bought rules and is heavy.

    February 14, 1984: Charlotte, NC
    Apparently the salesman at Caseyís Drums in downtown Charlotte thinks heís some kinda drum wizard. Mr. Drum Flunky tried to tell me that itís physically impossible to play a kit with a quintuple bass drum. I told him that I do it every night in arenas across the country. At which point, Mr. Non-Drummer tried to tell me that Iím not actually playing all five bass drums at once because I only have two feet and that the only way to play all five bass drums at once would be to assemble a special drum pedal with the capability of simultaneously pounding all the bass drums at once, which, according to him, would be ďstupid and make no real difference in the overall sound.Ē He proceeded to explain to me that my quintuple bass drum setup sounds no different than a double bass drum setup. I was crazy-pissed, but I told him that I saw his point. I ordered a sixth bass drum and the fella turned out to be a good sport, as he threw in a pair of magic drumsticks at no extra charge!

    March 22, 1984: Buffalo, NY
    Sweetness! Somehow, someway my performance tonight broke the stage at Buffalo Memorial Auditorium! It was pure, unadulterated sweetness. And anybody who knows anything about Mr. Alexander Van Halen knows that sweetness is my weakness!

    Unfortunately, I was so weakened by the sweetness that I couldnít attend the after show party, which according to David Lee, turned out to be the best after show party to date. Michael Anthony mistook his bottle of Jack Danielsóthe kind you can drinkófor his Jack Daniels signature bassóthe kind you can playóand plugged it into an amplifier! Needless to say, Michael Anthony was electrocuted!

    Apparently, after two hours of Michael Anthonyís unconscious, shake-fest, Edward threatened to urinate on another Mad-Anthony signature: The Tobasco Bottle Shaped Bass. Needless to say, Michael Anthony leaped to his feet and fucking smacked Edward into next millennium before a drop of piss even thought about hitting the spicy bass!

    Which reminds me, Iím supposed to get some drums shaped like non-drum things or else Iím out of the band. Hereís my list so far:
    • Flying Gurnards
    • Guitars
    • Hot Chickís Bodies
    • Alex Van Halens
    • Tartar Sauce Bottles


    April 17, 1984: Toronto, ON
    The Velcros are our new opening act and they blow. I will never fake-marry any of them! We took to calling them "The Vel-blows" until we finally had to admit to ourselves that itís a pretty weak nickname. Fortunately for us, "Van Sucken" was equally pathetic.

    July 16, 1984: Dallas, TX
    Well, tonight was the last show of our biggest tour to date and Iím beat like a drum. We now get a month break before heading off to Europe for the Monsters of Rock Tour. My goal is to become Germanyís Chancellor of Rock!

    God has answered my prayers and given the lead singer of The Velcros bone cancer.
    "Watch what people are cynical about, and one can often discover what they lack.Ē -- Gen. George S. Patton

  2. #2
    Sinner's Swing!

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    Would be interesting if it wasn't fake.

  3. #3
    Big Bad Bill
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    some people have tooooo much time on their hands....
    Sam, Dave,Gary... who cares. its all about what makes you feel good.

  4. #4
    Banned!
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    "I bought a new drum. The drum I bought rules and is heavy."
    Thats about all I could believe to be AVHs words.

  5. #5
    Hang 'Em High
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    Nice for a chuckle or two tho.
    RIP - Classic Van Halen

    "A lot of people take Van Halen more seriously than we do." The Diamond One


    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  6. #6
    5150

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    its sad someone has this much time on their hands to fake this.

  7. #7
    Light Up The Sky
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Tom View Post
    "I bought a new drum. The drum I bought rules and is heavy."
    Thats about all I could believe to be AVHs words.
    I was gone put that as one of my sigs I thought it was so good.
    My man, when you are fantasizing, don't go for attainable, you can get attainable at the local Applebee's. - Dave's Dreidel

  8. #8
    The Full Bug
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Tom View Post
    "I bought a new drum. The drum I bought rules and is heavy."
    Cool words to live by.
    ALEX IS GOD!!!

    I've been doin' this for 'bout 20 years now, and I'll tell ya, to this day I still don't know the right drumstick from the left drumstick -Alex Van Halen


 

 

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