Just A Question for those who know people who commited a Suicide

**WinterlessIceness** · 10.17.06, 03:08 PM

I've been googling/wiki-ing this for quite a while and I'm still lost on what I'm wondering about. To cut it short.. I know it might be a very personal/touchy subject, but I'm wondering if the suicide is a result of the constant thinking of it, or it's usually provoked by something major after/during a constant thinking about it. Because, I have to pay for my course by the end of the October, I have no word from my loan company, and if they suddenly reject I'm not sure if that wouldn't turn out to be the last straw.

**Wickett** · 10.17.06, 03:14 PM

Not sure where you're going with this.. but if you're thinking at all about ending it all over paying for a course, TALK TO SOMEONE!!!! Nothing like that is worth ending a life over/

**WinterlessIceness** · 10.17.06, 03:26 PM

I moved my home and my country because of it. I deliberately f'cked up the brilliant carier I would have after I'd graduate as an IT manager from my first uni, and I intentionally bailed out from my 3rd year thinking I had any talent to go for arts. Fucking hell the only reason I have done this was because of the girl I've met online who even was like the only person to make me feel my art or writing was worth anything. After two years I learn she's been faking her location and is in fact in England, which f'cks up everything between me and her after I confronted her on this, I don't want to make friends with anyone random in real and people I'd love to make friends with I just don't meet. And on top of this all being the ultimate attention seeker, coz I don't even care anymore - I apply to all symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, which in other words means I am mental. But I refuse to get any treatment or even talk to a therapist about it simply because I refuse to.
..whatever

**Wickett** · 10.17.06, 03:31 PM

Originally Posted by WinterlessIceness

I moved my home and my country because of it. I deliberately f'cked up the brilliant carier I would have after I'd graduate as an IT manager from my first uni, and I intentionally bailed out from my 3rd year thinking I had any talent to go for arts. Fucking hell the only reason I have done this was because of the girl I've met online who even was like the only person to make me feel my art or writing was worth anything. After two years I learn she's been faking her location and is in fact in England, which f'cks up everything between me and her after I confronted her on this, I don't want to make friends with anyone random in real and people I'd love to make friends with I just don't meet. And on top of this all being the ultimate attention seeker, coz I don't even care anymore - I apply to all symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, which in other words means I am mental. But I refuse to get any treatment or even talk to a therapist about it simply because I refuse to.
..whatever

fine, don't talk to a therapist, just talk to someone.. sounds like a lot of shit to sort out, but we all go through that kind of crap at one time or another (in varying degrees, anyway.) Again, nothing worth ending it all over.. really..

**Rocket** · 10.17.06, 03:38 PM

Rules for those thinking about ending it all:

1) Stay far away from alcohol, drugs and weapons.

2) Keep in mind that within 6 months you could start a successful business, learn a new skill, make some new friends or fall in love with someone brand new. The key is you gotta be here to find out how great things can be. Stick around and find out.

3) Tell a close friend how you feel, and get help ASAP.

**ddzavis** · 10.17.06, 03:39 PM

Yes, had a friend pass away last year. A combination of things. Got divorced, job problems, family problems, was on medication and either felt real good or real bad. There was no middle ground of thinking. He talked to us a lot about how he felt as a person and we spoke about his life and how much better he made us by being around. He got into the alcohol, withdrew and we lost him. That's the short story. Your 21, open up your eyes and your mind to what you can do to make those around you and the place you live in better. Hope this helps. Good luck to you. Get help.

**willy4pres** · 10.17.06, 04:03 PM

Originally Posted by WinterlessIceness

I moved my home and my country because of it. I deliberately f'cked up the brilliant carier I would have after I'd graduate as an IT manager from my first uni, and I intentionally bailed out from my 3rd year thinking I had any talent to go for arts. Fucking hell the only reason I have done this was because of the girl I've met online who even was like the only person to make me feel my art or writing was worth anything. After two years I learn she's been faking her location and is in fact in England, which f'cks up everything between me and her after I confronted her on this, I don't want to make friends with anyone random in real and people I'd love to make friends with I just don't meet. And on top of this all being the ultimate attention seeker, coz I don't even care anymore - I apply to all symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, which in other words means I am mental. But I refuse to get any treatment or even talk to a therapist about it simply because I refuse to.
..whatever

Number 1, if your thinking of something as horrible as killing yourself you need to immediatly talk to someone, right now!

Number 2.

Yes, I had a good friend that killed herself back when I was in highschool. I don't know if it solved her problems (since she's f'n dead now) but I do know that it destroyed her family. Speaking from experience I can say that killing yourself is the most selfish thing imaginable, people have no idea the shit they leave behind. Even for her friend's she ruined a lot of what should be good memories. Most of the people I went to school with that knew her don't talk about highschool, a lot of good times are ignored because of her. Im 33 now, as you can see I have some issues to deal with because of something that happened when I was 17! Why? Let me do a little bit of comparative thinking to put this into perspective.

Back in 2002 I happened to drive upon head on collision between a midsize car and a tractor trailer. It litterly happened right in front of me, I stopped and pulled over to see if there was anything I could do. The road was crowded that day so a bunch of people had stopped their cars and were standing around. Nobody had approached the vehicle for obvious reason, I worked at a search and rescue squadron at the time and knew of people surviving stuff that you otherwise wouldn't think possible. Anyway, I decide I should be the first person to walk up on the car, nobody survived this accident. Inside (I guess you could say that, though the car didn't have 90%of it's roof) there where 1 adult, couldn't tell what the sex was, and at least 4children (it was hard to tell in the back, that took a lot of the impact). It was the most horrible site I have ever layed eye's on, it felt as if someone had burned something directly into the side of my brain. The only way I could describe how it felt that day having witnessed something like this is to say it felt "base". I don't even know what that means but that's the only word that fits. I guess the person driving in front of the car prior to the accident was the driver's boyfriend or husband, he witnessed the entire thing in his rear view mirror. It sucked listening to him call the female drivers parents explaining how their daughter and grandkids had just been killed, thank god they weren't there to see the shape they were currently in. This event did a number on me, at first I thought I was OK but it snuck up on me after about a month, im fine but the whole day and how it all felt does come back to me now and then (at least once every other month or so).

As distrubing as that all was, it doesn't come close to how I feel about my friend killing herself, and it's been 15 years. So if you want to destroy your family and screw up all your friends by all means kill yourself.

My wifes best friend could talk volumes about suicide, her dad killed himself when she was in college. She's a great person but boy does she have issues because of what her dad did. She should have a great husband and a couple of beautiful kids by now, instead she has a 1 bedroom appt. and huge therapist bill.

**WinterlessIceness** · 10.17.06, 04:08 PM

I don't want to get help, I hate the whole thought of being in a need of a help despite I was told so even by people on VHLinks, like Van Squalen and chefcraig who've been telling me straight to get a therapy. There's no middle ground for me either - it's all a part of my BPD. It's either black or white, crap or perfect. That's why I don't even approach people, I think I have friends on this board but it's because people on the Links apart from sharing the same interests with me which is music, are highly intelligent, wAAAAAy more intelligent than I am. In reality at this very moment there's one guy, my roommate, who's now one of my best friends - but he's the only one I can get a decent conversation with. With the rest (like my drinking/weed-smoking neighbours on the left) I can't be bothered even talking with. I can't just go out and be a best party guy and have girls around me because firstly I prefer spending hours in my room drawing, writing or playing music, and finally because I simply don't want to. And I can't believe I'm already 21 when I in fact think like a 14-year-old girl, I have breakdowns listening to Jimmy Eat World songs and overally crying listening to music or watching movies are the best moments I have in my life. And that's the major problem I have with myself, I always had it, and I just can't help not to hate myself for this. Because while the rest of the straigh-edge guys are "out there having a blast and given a good head" I'm, well - I'm like that. Yeah, I have passion, Gawd it's just all over me but I fail in every attempt to share it with others, and I just can't see it comming.

**WinterlessIceness** · 10.17.06, 04:20 PM

Originally Posted by willy4pres

Number 1, if your thinking of something as horrible as killing yourself you need to immediatly talk to someone, right now!

Number 2.

Yes, I had a good friend that killed herself back when I was in highschool. I don't know if it solved her problems (since she's f'n dead now) but I do know that it destroyed her family. Speaking from experience I can say that killing yourself is the most selfish thing imaginable, people have no idea the shit they leave behind. Even for her friend's she ruined a lot of what should be good memories. Most of the people I went to school with that knew her don't talk about highschool, a lot of good times are ignored because of her. Im 33 now, as you can see I have some issues to deal with because of something that happened when I was 17! Why? Let me do a little bit of comparative thinking to put this into perspective.

Back in 2002 I happened to drive upon head on collision between a midsize car and a tractor trailer. It litterly happened right in front of me, I stopped and pulled over to see if there was anything I could do. The road was crowded that day so a bunch of people had stopped their cars and were standing around. Nobody had approached the vehicle for obvious reason, I worked at a search and rescue squadron at the time and knew of people surviving stuff that you otherwise wouldn't think possible. Anyway, I decide I should be the first person to walk up on the car, nobody survived this accident. Inside (I guess you could say that, though the car didn't have 90%of it's roof) there where 1 adult, couldn't tell what the sex was, and at least 4children (it was hard to tell in the back, that took a lot of the impact). It was the most horrible site I have ever layed eye's on, it felt as if someone had burned something directly into the side of my brain. The only way I could describe how it felt that day having witnessed something like this is to say it felt "base". I don't even know what that means but that's the only word that fits. I guess the person driving in front of the car prior to the accident was the driver's boyfriend or husband, he witnessed the entire thing in his rear view mirror. It sucked listening to him call the female drivers parents explaining how their daughter and grandkids had just been killed, thank god they weren't there to see the shape they were currently in. This event did a number on me, at first I thought I was OK but it snuck up on me after about a month, im fine but the whole day and how it all felt does come back to me now and then (at least once every other month or so).

As distrubing as that all was, it doesn't come close to how I feel about my friend killing herself, and it's been 15 years. So if you want to destroy your family and screw up all your friends by all means kill yourself.

My wifes best friend could talk volumes about suicide, her dad killed himself when she was in college. She's a great person but boy does she have issues because of what her dad did. She should have a great husband and a couple of beautiful kids by now, instead she has a 1 bedroom appt. and huge therapist bill.

I constantly think about my mother, 24/7, basically every minute. I wouldn't imagine what 'such news' would do to her, nontheless I don't stop thinking of the suicide 60/24 either. I have a picture of an adult with the slit wrists (not real, from FATA clip) on my door coz I thought googling/seeing/printing above my sight the result of other's stupidity would help me overcome it - fuck no. The one before last Monday after the split up with my gf I got so drunk that I cut her name on my wrist and then started going down the veins and I'm glad my roommate have seen it and rushed to take the scalpel away (well I was on the staircase so.. well obviously). I keep on thinking about this before I go to sleep and straight after I wake up. I can't get inspired for shit because of that - and I don't see the point in the whole choice I've made. I've never even accepted the thought I'd fail in my dream, and now I'm just too scared to find that out.

**the_atomic_punks_rule** · 10.17.06, 04:33 PM

dude you are the both the simon and paintball champion...i aspire to be you!

**WinterlessIceness** · 10.17.06, 04:39 PM

Talk about having a life, ain't it? Nothing much to lose, apart from Simon and Painball champion titles.

**stilleddiesangel** · 10.17.06, 04:58 PM

Mish.. dont even go there or I'll drive down and slap the shit outta ya. You're a talented, clever lad with a huge, wonderful future ahead. Times are tough right now but just around that corner is something wonderful... believe it.

http://www.samaritans.org/

**Van Squalen** · 10.17.06, 04:59 PM

Originally Posted by WinterlessIceness

I don't want to get help, I hate the whole thought of being in a need of a help despite I was told so even by people on VHLinks, like Van Squalen and chefcraig who've been telling me straight to get a therapy. There's no middle ground for me either - it's all a part of my BPD. It's either black or white, crap or perfect. That's why I don't even approach people, I think I have friends on this board but it's because people on the Links apart from sharing the same interests with me which is music, are highly intelligent, wAAAAAy more intelligent than I am. In reality at this very moment there's one guy, my roommate, who's now one of my best friends - but he's the only one I can get a decent conversation with. With the rest (like my drinking/weed-smoking neighbours on the left) I can't be bothered even talking with. I can't just go out and be a best party guy and have girls around me because firstly I prefer spending hours in my room drawing, writing or playing music, and finally because I simply don't want to. And I can't believe I'm already 21 when I in fact think like a 14-year-old girl, I have breakdowns listening to Jimmy Eat World songs and overally crying listening to music or watching movies are the best moments I have in my life. And that's the major problem I have with myself, I always had it, and I just can't help not to hate myself for this. Because while the rest of the straigh-edge guys are "out there having a blast and given a good head" I'm, well - I'm like that. Yeah, I have passion, Gawd it's just all over me but I fail in every attempt to share it with others, and I just can't see it comming.

Of course there's middle ground. One might go further and state all of reality is shades of gray, and there is NO black and white. Artist types like yourself (cinema, music, and art, if I recall right) aren't supposed to be strangers to alienation and frequent feelings of being different from everyone else. Because you ARE different from everyone else, doesn't mean who you are and what you're doing is wrong. It just means it'll be a bit more difficult for you in certain social arenas. Not impossible, far from it. A smart kid like you already knows this. You just want the world to be different. You don't quite understand why people don't 'get' you. You're hardly alone. But suicide won't solve the problem. When Maximus Decimus Meridius says to his troops 'what we do in this life echoes in eternity,' he's not joking. Your issues will follow you in this life and into the next, they won't magically dissapate...and there is a next, a long fuckin' next, of that you can be certain, and you can also be certain the things we fail to address here we will take with us.

You're twenty-one years of age. Do you think that's enough time to establish to yourself who you are and what you're going to contribute to the world? And if it's an atypical path, is that something to mourn or celebrate?

And help is the whole friggin' point in this world. Helping ourselves, helping others. Helping contribute positively to this world which is steadily filling with more shit than art. Helping raise children who will do it even better. Ask for help. Offer help.

BTW, good call on the empathy revelation concerning your mother. I was suicidal once, not too much older than you are now, and I suffered through something beyond heinous, and yet that image, that's precisely what kept me from taking the razor blade down the wrists. How it would affect others, particularly my mother. Nlo parent should have to outlive their child. Your life is not yours to take. Your life is not just about you.

It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to accept it. It doesn't mean you're weak. It means you're smart.

All those things will be lost in time...like tears in rain.

Don't rush it. Be patient. All paths lead somewhere, even the ones that get us lost at first.

**fast98dodge** · 10.17.06, 05:16 PM

Mish, suicide is not the answer. Suicide is the most selfish thing a person can do. You're not a selfish person from what I can tell so that would be out of character for you.

So you failed? Big fuckin' deal... Life is full of failures and letdowns. Even the most successful people in the world have failed.

If you don't want to go to therapy, go to a self help group sort of like an Alcoholics Anonymous/Narcotics Anonymous but for people feeling like you feel and you may discover HOPE. I say HOPE because I grabbed my AA Big Book recently and saw my bookmark with my handwriting saying HOPE. HOPE stands for Hearing Other People's Experiences. That may make you relate and how to overcome those feelings by listening to how they have dealt with it.

Please take steps to insure your safety and wellbeing and listen to what others here have said...

KT · 10.17.06, 05:30 PM

One thing I've learned in life is this...sometimes we have NO idea the impact we are making on someone's life. I can guarantee that there is SOMEONE whose life you have touched in a huge way---you may not know about it but it has happened. I believe that's a big reason we're here on this great big bouncing ball---not to see what we can get out of it but what we can GIVE to leave this place a little better than we found it. What you give during your life may just effect one person (I highly doubt this just knowing what I do of you here on the Links---I'm pretty confident you've influenced many lives)...but then that person is going to take what they learned from you and pass it on to someone else, and so on and so on.

I love this quote: "To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world." It could be a simple smile or you just taking 5min. to listen to a friend who was hurting...but because of that, you may have changed their life forever.

Personally...you said something to me once that I've never forgotten, so you made an impact even on a strange Texas chick on a message board (and what you told me made me feel really good and gave me confidence in posting here).

Hang in there...contrary to what some people here might believe, I really do think we're more than random strangers with a common interest. We do care for one another and are pretty decent about helping one another through some pretty crappy times.