What If You Were Being Stalked By Jessical Abla? Who Would Believe You?

**Axxman300** · 10.14.06, 10:16 PM

I just thought of this, what if you were being stalked by Jessica Alba, but she's really a psycho? Who would believe you?

I mean, say you come home and your cat has been nailed to the walll and something like "You are mine!! All Mine!!" is written in blood on the wall. Then when you call the cops and they're standing there asking you who you think did this and then you say "Jessica Alba", you're screwed. The cops are either going to arrest you for killing your own cat or they're just going to leave. and then sure enough, she's gonna call you on the phone and you're gonna call the cops back in and say she's on the phone but when you put the cops on she starts pretending she's a Chinese lady at the local Panda Express. She's crafty that way.

Then if you go to court to file a restraining order and she sends her attorney; who then tells the judge that Jessica has never even been to this podunk town so why the need for a restraining order? You say that she's rich and probably flies in and out of town, the judge then orders flight records for the nearest airports and they can't find any record of her flying into town. So the judge throws you out and you have to pay her attorney fees to boot. It's only later that you realize that Jessica Alba probably got trained by the same ex- Navy SEALs that trained OJ Simpson and that she probably parachuted into town. The sly wench! She can probably pack her own chute too. Damn, no parachute records either because she's a Hollywood star and probably gets them for free.

So a few weeks later you come home and she's in your appartment, naked and covered in blood. she tells you that now you two can be together forever. You ask what happened to your wife/girlfriend and she takes you to the bathroom where your lady has beem cut into small pieces and her vital organs have been hung as decorations. So you scream and run back out to the living room and call the police - again - and as you wait you hear a gunshot ring out and you run back to find Jessica dead from a self inflicted gunshot wound and on fire. At that exact same moment, the cops kick in the door and find you covered in blood, a burning body and your woman sliced and diced in the bathroom.

You are so going to jail.

Plus you're getting the death penalty too because the police testify that you're nuts and nailed you cat to the wall a month before and blamed it on a famous actress, who was nowhere near the area. Then the judge who threw out your petition for a restraining order aslo testifies that you're fruitloops too.

Then, while you are in your cell on death row you start getting letters with familiar handwriting and you realize that you've been had and Jessica Alba is still alive and hiding at George Clooney's estate in Italy. She writes you every day to tell you that she still thinks of you every time she fucks George.

Man, celebrities have all the perks.

**sisca** · 10.14.06, 11:26 PM

ummm ,axx? you doing ok there, man?

**LLFHS** · 10.15.06, 12:04 AM

Let the Saturday Night Drunk Postings begin!!!!

**willy4pres** · 10.15.06, 12:22 AM

Axx, im glad you had the balls to say what we all have been thinking for some time now. I agree, she has to be stopped before it's to late. She should be placed under house arrest immediatly, I have a house so that works for everyone, right?

**fast98dodge** · 10.15.06, 02:04 AM

OMG... Axx, I'm nominating this for Post of the Year... Too goddamned funny!!!

Dude, you rock like John Candy on Coke!!!

**onefootoutthedoor** · 10.15.06, 02:44 AM

Finally, somebody can relate to my hell of the last three years!

**sinner's swing** · 10.15.06, 06:05 AM

that would be a good movie

**Axxman300** · 10.15.06, 11:00 AM

Hey, it's my way of making sure there's something funny on Saturday night.

I'd just finished reading about Hillary Duff's stalker and I wondered what if she was the one who was actually terrorizing those to guys? They could have pictures and still nobody would buy it.

Maybe that incident with Ed spraying an Uzi at Fred Durst's house is true, if you think about it; on the one time you've got fun-time Eddie who only has to flash his boyish grin and say "Golly Officer, an Uzi? Me? " and he's off the hook and then on the other hand it's Fred Durst so why would anybody care if his house gets shot up? I mean it can't be the first time, Britney Spears has probably even emptied a couple of M-4 mags into his place while Halle Berry drove the get-away car.

I bet that when John Wilkes Booth jumped down from the Presidential box at Ford's theater that most of the people thought he was kidding too.

Actors....

**Dan Halen** · 10.15.06, 11:35 AM

Um, I heard something about Jessica Alba, so here you go...

**Executionor** · 10.15.06, 01:21 PM

She could stalk me any day. No no no not tonight Jess, for the 5th time?!?! OK I guess...

**timmac** · 10.15.06, 04:36 PM

She wouldn't have to stalk me. I'd send the wife and kids away on an extended vacation, leave all the doors unlocked, and just wait... along with the neon sign that says, "Jessica, come on in!!!!"

**LLFHS** · 10.15.06, 05:47 PM

She tells Elle magazine, "I don't do nudity. I just don't. Maybe that makes me a bad actress.

No......sucky acting makes you a bad actress.

Maybe I won't get hired in some things. But I have too much anxiety."

Well guys.....I think we all owe it to her to be encouraging and supportive.

Then we'll get to see those hoots.

**Dan Halen** · 10.15.06, 07:31 PM

I don't get what the big deal is. Almost every top Hollywood actress has shown their breasts at least once in a movie. It's not like Jessica has kids to disappoint. If she wants to have a blockbuster movie that breaks records and solidifies her career as a big star, she needs to show them!

I guarantee I'd be in line on opening night to see them.