Band Rules

[Warmoth]

Band Rules

HOW TO REQUEST A SONG FROM THE BAND

When requesting a song from the band, just say "play ... my song!"
We have chips implanted in our heads with an unlimited database of
the favorite tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar and all
songs ever recorded, so feel free to be vague. We love the
challenge.

If we say we really don't remember that tune you want, we're only
kidding. Bands actually do know every song ever recorded, so keep
humming. Hum harder if need be... it helps jog our memory, or just
repeat your request over and over again.

If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they
either forgot they know the tune or they are just putting you on.
Try singing a few words for the band. Any words will do.
It also helps to scream your request from across the room several
times per set followed by the phrases, "AW COME ON!" and, "YOU
SUCK!" Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from the
dance floor are a big help as well, such as the thumbs down or your
middle finger up. Put-downs are the best way to jog a band's
memory. This instantly promotes you to the status of "Personal
Friend Of The Band." You can bet your request will be the next song
we play.

Entertainers are notorious fakers and jokesters and never really
prepare for their shows. They simply walk on stage with no prior
thought to what they will do once they arrive. We don't actually
make set lists or rehearse songs. We mostly just wait for you to
yell something out, then fake it.

An entertainer's job is so easy, even a monkey could do it, so don't
let them off the hook easily. Your request is all that matters.
Once you've figured out what genre of music the band plays, please
make your requests from a totally different genre. The more
exaggerated the better. If its a big band playing, yell for some
Metallica or Slayer or Pantera. Likewise, if its a Latin band, be
sure to request Brown-eyed Girl or some Grateful Dead. Musicians
need to constantly broaden their musical horizons, and its your job
to see that it happens....immediately.


TALKING WITH THE BAND

The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way
is at the middle of a song when several band members are singing at
the same time. Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick out your
tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around us.
And we can converse with you in sign language while singing the song,
so don't worry that we're in the middle of the chorus.

Musicians a re expert lip readers too. If a musician does not reply
to your question or comment during a tune, it's because they didn't
get a good look at your mouth in order to read your lips. Simply
continue to scream your request and be sure to over emphasize the
words with your lips. This helps immensely. Don't be fooled.
Singers have the innate ability to answer questions and sing at the
same time. If the singer doesn't answer your questions immediately,
regardless of how stupid the question may seem, it's because they are
purposely ignoring you. If this happens, immediately cop an
attitude. We love this.


IMPORTANT

When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her
head in both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding
their head securely so they cannot pull away. This will be taken as
an invitation to a friendly and playful game of tug of war between
their head and your hands. Don't give up! Hang on until the singer
or guitar player submits. Drummers are often safe from this fun game
since they usually sit in the back, protected by the guitar players.
Keyboard players are protected by their instrument, and only play the
game when tricked into coming from behind their keyboards. Though
difficult to get them to play, it's not impossible, so keep trying.
They're especially vulnerable during the break between songs.


HELPING THE BAND

If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band will
appreciate help with the next few tunes, or however long you can
remain standing on stage. If you're too drunk to stand unassisted,
simply lean on one of the band members or the most expensive piece of
equipment you see. Just pretend you're in a Karaoke bar. Simply
feel free to walk up on stage and join in. By the way, the drunker
you are, the better you sound, and the louder you should sing. If by
chance you fall off the stage, be sure to crawl back up and attempt
to sing harmony. Keep in mind that nothing assists the band more
than outrageous dancing, fifth and sixth part harmonies,or a
tambourine played on one and three and out of tempo. Try the
cowbell; they love the challenge. The band always needs the help and
will take this as a compliment.

Finally, the microphone and PA system are merely props, they don't
really amplify your voice,
so when you grab the mic out of the
singers hand be sure to scream into it at the top of your lungs,
otherwise no one will hear what a great singer you are. Hearing is
over-rated anyway. The crowd and the sound guy will love you for it.


BONUS TIP

As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get on
stage and start playing their instruments. They love this. Even if
you are ejected from the club, you can rest assured in the fact you
have successfully completed your audition. The band will call you
immediately the following day to offer you a position.

See you at the next gig....

[MattWales]

Very funny!

[sixstring]

CLASSIC...