100 Things Every Guy Must Know

**Viking** · 04.15.06, 02:17 PM

Pretty interesting stuff:

100 Things Every Guy Must Know
It’s a man’s, man’s, man’s, man’s world. Maxim has assembled the ultimate road map to help you fit in.

Maxim, May 1999
By Keith Blanchard

As a guy, you’re expected to know a lot about a lot of things. But who has time to sift through all the crap of the information age and uncover the really critical stuff—like what to do if you’re snake-bit, the long-lost lyrics to the Bonanza theme song, and the final word on one-handed bra unfastening? We combed a million sources to compile this definitive list and had one hell of a lot of fun doing it. From the practical to the intriguing to the sublime, here are more than 100 things we think you’ll be very glad to know.

Which paint to use

Oil-based on raw wood exteriors; latex everywhere else. Flat on walls, semigloss on moldings, semigloss or high-gloss on kitchen and bathroom walls. For oil-based paints, use bristle brushes and clean up with paint thinner; for latex, use nylon brushes and clean up with warm, slightly soapy water.

The best and worst bets in Vegas

In the long run, the best game to play is blackjack—play smart and the house edge is only half a percent, i.e., the casino averages just 50¢ profit on each $100 bet. Throw in card counting and you can sometimes gain a tiny advantage over the house, at least until they smash your thumbs with a ball-peen hammer. Worst bet: slot machines.

Who painted the poker-playing dogs?
Cassius Marcellus Coolidge (1844–1937). The name of the painting is No Monkeying, and you can get a reproduction for $15 by calling The Print Gallery at (800) 848-4278.

The best time of day to buy shoes
Late afternoon, when your feet have swollen to their largest size.

Why girth beats length
Most of the vagina’s nerve endings are in its outermost third. As long as you’re not lost in your own pubic hair, you’re probably long enough.

How to keep chisels and other bladed tools rust-free
Store them in wooden boxes. The wood absorbs moisture in the air, preventing rust.

The just-to-be-sure testicle check
The American Institute for Cancer Research recommends you give your balls a once-over once a month. Right after you shower:
1. Stand in front of the mirror and check for swelling on the skin of the scrotum.
2. Roll each testicle between the thumb and index finger; this shouldn’t be painful. Don’t worry if they’re slightly different sizes, but take note if one’s a significantly larger than the other. Feel for lumps.
3. Check the epididymis, the tube behind each testicle. (This ferries sperm from the testis to the outside world.)
4. If you feel pain or find lumps anywhere, see a doctor. You may just have an infection, but it could be the Big C, and getting the news early is absolutely key to keeping trouble at bay. (FYI, women are often the first to detect testicular lumps in their partners.)

How to win more coin tosses
Always call tails. On U.S. coins, the heads side, with its big, solid portrait, weighs infinitesimally more: In the course of 10,000 tosses, the lighter tails side will come up an extra 50 or so times.

The Rolling Rock bottle mystery
The mysterious “33” printed on bottles of Rolling Rock immediately below the company motto is an accident: It’s the proofreader’s count of the number of words in the motto, and the printers left it in. The 33 words: Rolling Rock / From the glass lined tanks of Old Latrobe. We tender this premium beer for your enjoyment, as a tribute to your good taste. It comes from the mountain springs to you.

How to keep her pregnancy-free
A woman’s most fertile in the middle of her menstrual cycle, meaning she’s least likely to get pregnant if you bang her just before or just after her period. Particularly if there’s a condom or two on your johnson.

How to catch bigger fish
Cast your line close to the bank. The current in the middle of a stream is four times faster than that near the bank, and the faster the water, the smaller the fish.

Never rub snow on frostbite, put butter on a burn, or try to “cut out” or suck the poison from a snakebite
All are of the sounds-so-stupid-it-must-be-true school of misguided folk wisdom. Instead: Put frozen extremities in cold water to which you gradually add hot water; clean and carefully bandage burns; and leave snakebites alone, just send for help and stay as still as possible. And try to get some sleep—sounds like you had a rough day.

Why left-handed pitchers are called southpaws
Because their left arms point south during games. How so? Baseball diamonds are oriented such that batters face east so they don’t look into the sun during afternoon games. Go ahead, draw it on a napkin.

How to preserve meat in the wild
Slice your kill into long, thin strips; knead tons of salt into it; then cover the meat (to keep the flies off) and let it sit for four hours. Spread it out under a hot sun for a few days to dry it, or smoke it over burning green twigs for 24 hours. When dry and shriveled, the meat will last a year and can be eaten right from the jerky bag.

The remedy for poison ivy
Baking soda and water. Lather, rinse, repeat.
How to make a clambake
Build yourself a big ol’ raging bonfire, then find a shitload of stones and throw ’em all into the embers. When the stones are hot as hell, kick ’em around so they form a layer, throw wet seaweed on top, dump the clams on top of that, and toss more seaweed on top of the clams. Pound beer for 45 minutes to an hour until clams signify doneness by opening up; chow down. Don’t eat clams that don’t open.

How to relieve thirst in the wild
A pebble held in the mouth will stimulate saliva production and kill that dry-mouth feeling. Stay on the lookout for neon bar signs.

To ward off diseases, wear gloves, not a face mask
Handshakes transmit viruses seven times more effectively than sneezes do.

How to say “You are beautiful” to girls of other lands

In Spain: “Usted es hermosa” (oo-sted ess er-mo-sa)

In Portugal: “Você é bonita” (vo-say eh boo-nee-ta)

In France: “Vous êtes belle” (voo zayt bel)

In Italy: “Siete bella” (see-ay-tay beh-la)

In Germany: “Sie sind schön” (zee zint shurn)

Some bullets can’t be “silenced.” The noise produced by bullets that move fast enough to break the sound barrier, such as the 9 mm, can’t be deadened because the bullets emit tiny sonic booms.

Poker’s dead man’s hand, the cards “Wild Bill” Hickok was reported to have been holding when he was shot dead, is aces over 8s.

Greyhounds have the sharpest eyes of any dog breed. You can glaze ’em over good with a nice bag of M&M’s, though.

The first use of the vibrator was the early 1880s, by doctors seeking to combat “female hysteria.” The docs noted the calming effect of the orgasms it produced.

Nine quotations every guy should know

“When the candles are out, all women are fair.” —Plutarch

“Ale, man, ale’s the stuff to drink / For fellows whom it hurts to think.” —A.E. Housman

“Kill the body and the head will die.” —Joe Frazier

“A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.” —Rudyard Kipling

“A pint of sweat will save a gallon of blood.” —George Patton

“Try everything once except incest and folk dancing.” —Sir Thomas Beecham

“Some night you’ll catch a punch between the eyes and all of a sudden you’ll see three guys in the ring against you. Pick out the one in the middle and hit him, because he’s the one who hit you.” —Jack Dempsey

“You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than with a kind word alone.” —Al Capone

“I swing big, with everything I’ve got. I hit big or I miss big. I like to live as big as I can.” —Babe Ruth

10 things we shouldn’t have to tell you

Dance lessons are for girls.

You can have long hair, you can have a mustache, and you can wear a pink shirt, but not all three at the same time.

Eggs, corned-beef hash, and Tabasco sauce is the breakfast of the gods.

Don’t help a woman knock your pals. Ever.

Protect the testicles.

If you hurt yourself in the wild, clean your wounds with your urine When it leaves the body, it’s sterile, which is more than you can say of any water you’re likely to find.