VH on Larry King Live 2001-Full Transcript

[Glenn]

Black screen

Eddie (screen still black)-"...it's too [bleep] 'n soon, that's all I'm saying!"

Camera comes up on Larry King (looking uncomfortable, but smiling)

Larry-"Good evening folks, if you were a fan of rock and roll in the 1970's and the 1980's then my guests tonight should require no introduction. But for the sake of anyone who doesn't know, let me go around the table. They are collectively known as Van Halen..."

Eddie-"WERE known as Van Halen!!!"

Larry (puzzled)-"Umm, okay. My notes indicate that you four are 'currently' known as 'Van Halen'!"

Eddie-"You have to understand Larry, I'm an artist. I don't like labels being placed on me, or my music!"

Larry (still puzzled)-"Fair enough. Incidentally, who are you?"

Eddie (rolling his eyes, visibly upset)-"Edward... (long pause as Larry checks his notes)... Van Halen!!"

Larry-"All right Edward, let's continue around the room. Sitting next to Edward is David Lee Roth, original lead singer for..."

Eddie-"Sorry to interrupt, but I'm really not happy with the seating arrangements! I would have much preferred sitting next to my brother. Hell, I'd have even been willing to sit beside the other guy there (pointing at Michael Anthony), but not Mr. Roth!"

David Lee Roth-"And with THAT warm welcome I bid a hellacious hello to you Mr. King and to the ears, cheers, fears, beers and leers of all of you fine people out in TV land. Put your body up to your Son-eee and I'll make you moan-eee!"

Eddie-"I [bleep] n' knew it. Point the [bleep] n' camera and watch the seal bark. Dave, by a god damn calendar, it isn't 1982 anymore!"

DLR-"Ed, I hope you've got rust protection for that steel rod that's up your ass!"

Eddie-"What the [bleep] does that mean?"

DLR-"It means you're stiffer than Alex's neck. Relax. Larry is the host, let's stop pissing on his coffee table."

Larry (looking like he's just witnessed a hanging)-"Okay, not really the start we envisioned, but that's live TV for you. Let's continue. We've just met guitar player Edward Van Halen...."

Eddie-"Larry, I also play piano, the tuba, and the Bavarian Cheese Whistle..."

Larry (angrily)-"Alright, let's take our first commercial break. Maybe we should all take a minute to remember who's running this show!!"

---Commercial break---

Larry-"Okay, we're back here in Los Angeles, before the break we met Edward Van Halen and David Lee Roth. Now let's say hello to... hey, where did Alex Van Halen go?"

Alex-"Down here Larry. I have to lay on the floor because of my neck injury."

Larry-"Alright, but is it absolutely necessary for you to have that keg of beer down there? There are pretty specific laws about on-air liquor consumption!"

Alex-"Can the camera see me down here?"

Larry-"No"

Alex-"Then what the [bleep] is the problem?!?!"

Larry (shaking his head)-"Great, perfect, no problem. Onward and upward. Finally, we have Michael Anthony, the bass guitar player for Van Halen."

Mikey-"Good evening." (long pause)

Larry-"Okay, a man of few words, I think you might just be my favorite member of the group!"

Eddie-"I agree Larry, Michael talks WAY too much. I think maybe he's getting a bit too ego'd out for us. We're just regular people like our fans. That's why our fans can relate to us, we're just like them. Hell, for all intents and purposes, we ARE our fans!"

DLR-"Ed, I think with a shovel, a little elbow grease, and some raisin nut trail mix we can dig that metaphor a little deeper!"

Mikey-"I could go for some of that raisin nut trail mix..."

DLR-"Shut up Mikey, Eddie's cranky and Billy Sheehan's on line 3 from Buffalo. You're walking a thin line here!"

Alex-"Hey, something's fogging up my sunglasses. No, wait, I just had my eyes closed. Jesus it's bright in here, can we dim the lights?"

Larry (annoyed)-"No, it's a live television studio! Let's take another break!"

---Commercial break---

Larry-"Okay, back from break. Guys, how did the reunion come together?"

Eddie-"Well Larry, it's no secret that our last record struggled a bit... Actually, I don't know, I never look at numbers, I'm a music man. Sometimes I just feel like I'm a lightning rod for these musical ideas. I just fly my kite with a key on the string and hope the lightning hits it. It's a gift from God, to be honest. Actually, most of it happens in the crapper!"

Larry (stunned)-"Pardon??? The crapper?!?"

DLR-"I'll tell you what Larry, when they're passing out the medals for valor, I better get two. 16 years ago he won't come out of the bedroom, now he won't come out of the toilet!"

Mikey-"I could use a toilet break myself, what was in that raisin nut trail mix?"

Alex-"I don't know, but if you want a beer to wash it down, go find your own!!"

Larry-"Okay, let's go to the phone lines. Gary from Boston, you're on."

Gary-"Larry??"

Larry-"Gary??"

Gary-"Larry??

Larry-"Okay, I guess that call wasn't meant to be. Next caller, Sam from Hawaii!"

Sam-"Hi Larry, first time caller. My question is for Mr. Roth."

DLR-"Yes, see if you can stump me, the ladies wanna jump me!"

Sam-"Yeah, whatever. I was wondering how many #1 albums Van Halen had, and how many of those came while you were their singer?"

DLR-"Excellent question...."

Sam-"(**cough**) RED (**cough**)

DLR-"...the best way I can answer that is to go back to something my Daddy used to say. Sometimes when the sky got too dark, the crickets chirped too loud, and the pages of his pocket sized bible got too dog earred, he'd look over at me and say, 'yeah, and if my Aunt had balls she'd be my Uncle'!"

Larry (confused)-"Not sure that answer made any sense?!?!"

DLR-"I'm SURE it didn't make too much sense. And when I'm sure of something, I don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Especially if he just finished eating a Granny Smith apple!"

Larry (even more confused)-"Let's take a final break."

---Commercial break---

Larry-"Okay, we're back for our final segment of the evening. One of the stranger nights we've had, I think I can say that for certain..."

Eddie-"I resent that Larry. We're just four average guys. Straight forward, no pretension at all. I live just like my fans. You know, actress wife, driveway full of cars, studio in the back yard. Just like everyone watching us tonight."

Mikey-"You know Larry..."

Eddie-"Haven't you said enough? Jesus, it's always 'me me me' with you. Do you mind if the rest of us get a little attention once in awhile!?"

Alex-"TOGA TOGA TOGA TOGA!!!"

Eddie-"You see, at least Alex has something intelligent to say!"

Alex (confused)-"Eddie, [bleep] you!!"

Eddie-"Alex, if you weren't straddling that keg, I'd kick you right in the nuts!"

DLR-"Here we go again with the nuts!"

Eddie-"Hey Roth, [bleep] you and the groupie you rode in on!!!"

Larry (alarmed)-"Well folks, we're gonna sign off while the set is still standing. My guests tonight were the four members of Van Halen. Their new album comes out Tuesday, with a tour to follow. Good night and God Bless."

---Fades to black---

Larry (to Mikey)-"Michael, I'm truly scarred, is it always this bad?"

Mikey-"Bad? I've never seen the guys getting along this well. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it myself. I'm so happy!"

Larry-"Maybe I should get one of the stagehands to separate Edward and David."

Mikey-"Yeah, and Alex could probably use a ride home. You know, because of his neck!"

[79th and Sunset]

Funny stuff Glenn !!

How long did it take for you to come up with that... ??

I can almost see this one happening.

[some leg tonight]

Stupid.

[DLR'sCock]

Brilliant!!!!I thought it was funy enough to forward through the internet, let's see how far it goes....LOL

[ November 26, 2001 at 08:17 PM: Message edited by: DLR'sCock ]</p>

[seenbad]

omg

quote:

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DLR-"...the best way I can answer that is to go back to something my Daddy used to say. Sometimes when the sky got too dark, the crickets chirped too loud, and the pages of his pocket sized bible got too dog earred, he'd look over at me and say, 'yeah, and if my Aunt had balls she'd be my Uncle'!"

---

That made me spit pork chop through my nose! lol.

Nice work sir. [img]graemlins/thumb.gif[/img]

[seenbad]

quote:

---

Originally posted by some leg tonight:
Stupid.

---

Buy a monitor with less reflection glare, I heard it helps.

[MikeL]

Glenn, you just made my day! Thanks, buddy! [img]smile.gif[/img]

[Goo]

LOL! excellent Glenn. [img]graemlins/thumb.gif[/img]

[Cabo Kid]

Kudos to me compadre Glenn! [img]graemlins/thumb.gif[/img]

If I had Kool-Aid, I'd have spit it out thru my nose...although seenbad's trick with his pork chop is, hand's down, one of the most impressive I've EVER heard of!! ROTF!!

Man, I can just see this episode, too. That ill-forgotten episode of Kiss being interviewed by Tom Snyder has NOTHING on this one here! Awesome job, bro!!

[ScottRoberts]

ROTFLMAO! This is classic stuff, Glenn! [img]graemlins/thumb.gif[/img]

[homeunit]

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by seenbad:
pork chop <hr></blockquote>

mmmmmm pork chop!

great stuff glenn [img]graemlins/thumb.gif[/img]

[Kasi VH]

I haven't laughed that hard in a while

Glenn is a genius!

[YankeeRose]

LOL! That was good Glenn, I liked the part when Larry was looking for Alex and he was lying on the floor, poor big Al.

[Rikk]

[img]graemlins/thumb.gif[/img] The line about "we ARE our fans" and Dave's monologue about the crickets and the aunt and uncle had me falling off my chair.

Hilarious!

[Fat Tone]

Completely Plausible scenario.
Hilarious.
That should be the intro to their next video with Roth.(i'm being optimistic) [img]graemlins/thumb.gif[/img]