VH - Behind The Music

[Olen]

The following excerpts from "Van Halen: Behind the Music" was sent to me in confidence, but I cannot hide this info. The following quotes and items from the original interview were edited out of the broadcast that will happen several months down the road. [winking]

On the early years of VH:

EVH: "The tour we [Van Halen] did with Black Sabbath was wildly intense, but a lot of fun, too. On the one hand, we were trying to expand our fan base outside of Southern California. On the other hand, the parties were incredible. AND THE WOMEN!! We were doing so much blow, so much marijuana, so much alcohol...at one point, Al, Mike, Dave and myself cross referenced all the chicks we had nailed, and we discovered that me and Dave had actually slept together eight times! Which is creepy."

On the split with Roth in '85:

EVH: "I was so depressed. I was writing this screenplay called I'm Crazy Because It's Hot and writing the soundtrack as well. Van Halen was going to do the music. It was going to be picked up by CBS productions."
BTM Director: "Uh, Ed...I hate to interrupt, but Dave was the one writing the screenplay. I think it was called Crazy From the Heat."
EVH: "That's what Dave wants you to think!!"
BTM Director: "Uh...Okay, Ed."

On landing Hagar to Replace Roth:

EVH: "I had asked Sam to come down to see what might come out of a collaboration together. Sam comes in, listens to my music, and says 'no wonder Roth quit...this music sucks.' I said 'F#ck You, Curly!! I brought you up here as a courtesy to Ted [Templeman]. If you say my music sucks again, you better be wearin' a hat, cause I'm gonna kick you in the nuts!!'"
Mike Anthony: "Um..Ed...don't you mean "you better be wearin' a cup?"
EVH: "Uh...YEAH! Whatever!! Shut up, dumbass! I need a cigarette. Mikey - get my lighter!"
"Anyway, Sam chuckled at the thought of me kicking his balls in, and we both had a good laugh at his expense."
MA: "Here's your lighter, Ed. Hey, I think Sam was laughing b/c he was a boxer and would have beaten your drunken ass."
EVH: "Shut up, Mike!! Where's Alex?"

MA: - to the BTM Director, whispering "Alex has developed some strange habits. He has been sleeping in a coffin in Ed's basement for nearly five years. He has the lid closed and locked until morning. I jokingly refered to Alex as 'Alex Vlad Halen - but he and Ed threatened to kick me in the ball - I had a testicle removed some years ago. Of course, with Ed hobbling around w/ a walker, and Alex locked away in his coffin, I felt confident my ball was safe."

EVH: "HEY!! I thought you mother f#ckers were here to interview me? Get the hell over here or get the hell out!!"
BTM Director: "Sorry Ed. Mike was asking if he was needed for any more interviews."
EVH: "Why? He's a god damned bass player!! He has nothing interesting to say!! Hey Mike...go get Wolfied from school, and then get my dry cleaning. Here's a few bucks and the keys to the mini-van."
MA: "Sorry Ed. Alex needs his back pills from the pharmacy...see you later."

On the split w/ Hagar in '96:

EVH: "Sam's lazy. That is why he was kicked out."
BTM Director: "In Sammy's defense, he has released three cd's to Van Halen's one. How can you say Sammy is lazy?"
EVH: "Those were all greatest hits cds, though."
BTM Director: "No they weren't."
EVH: "You sure?"
BTM Director: "Yes."
EVH: "Hmm...maybe Alex was wrong. WHERE'S ALEX?!?"

Ed and the BTM Director go to Ed's basement, where Alex is still in his coffin.

EVH: "You said Sammy was lazy, Alex!!"
AVH: "mumble, mumble, mumble..."
EVH: "What?!?"

Ed unlocks Alex's coffin, and Alex sets upright, but does not remove his Rayban sunglasses.

AVH: "I said 'Sam was having a baby!' You never f#ckin' listen, Ed!
EVH: "F#ck You, VLAD!!"
AVH: "The coffin helps my back, jackass!!"

The brothers begin to scuffle, but the fracas ends quickly as Alex's back locks up, and EVH is unable to kick Alex in the balls b/c of his plastic hip.

On EVH's Hip Problem:

EVH: "Because of my drinking, my weight ballooned to 235 lbs. I'm only 5'10", so that was quite a bit of weight to put on."
AVH: "You're 5'3", Nut Knocker."
EVH: "WHATEVER!! Anyway - I got up to 235 lbs and it was putting a lot of stress on my joints. So, before I could get a new hip, my aroma therapist suggested I lose some weight."
BTM Director: "Aroma Therapist? You didn't have an orthopedist do the hip replacement?"
EVH: "A what? Ortho-what? What are you talkin' about?"

On AVH's Neck Problem:

EVH: "The aroma therapist..."
BTM Director: "ED!!!! Have you guys seen DOCTORS?"
EVH: "No - why??"
AVH: "Buddy, you better shut the f#ck up or we are going to beat your f#ckin' ass. We know what's best for us. OH...MY BACK!!"
EVH: "Lay down, Vlad."
AVH: "F#ck You, Nut Kicker!!"
***********************************

Note: This is simply my attempt to lighten the mood here, a little, by poking fun at our favorite band. Please do not take this as criticism of the band. I had some time on my hands and decided to poke some fun at Halen.

To Van Halen: TELL US SOMETHING, PLEASE!!

[img]graemlins/bounce.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/devil.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/thumb.gif[/img]

[jdogg5150]

Nothing wrong with a little comedy in a three ring circus! But you forgot Val speaking and Ed's lips moving!
LMFAO!! [img]graemlins/thumb.gif[/img]

[Mean_Street]

that was funny, my favorite part is where eddie says "Heres a few bucks, and the keys to the MINIVAN", i dont know why its funny but it is. picture evh in a minivan. [img]graemlins/scared.gif[/img]

[Lead Synth]

"Of course, with Ed hobbling around w/ a walker, and Alex locked away in his coffin, I felt confident my ball was safe."

LOL! That's my favorite line.

[jdogg5150]

"...you better be wearing a hat b/c I'm gonna kick you in the nuts!"
Best part! I shot beer out my nose.