How will the members of Van Halen die?

[GIBSON PIMP]

It occurred to me after hearing about Dave's lawsuit with the Van Halen Syndicate that the Classic Van Halen lineup is now officially toast never to be seen or heard together again. Like the breakup of the Beatles there is nothing left to do but sit back and watch them get fat, bald, old and useless. Their unique talents and chemistry squandered down the drain. There will be no reunion tour although there will be the lame solo projects that pale in comparison to their past glories. At some point maybe they'll be on "Unplugged" with substitute members like some bands. How sick is that? And so as each Van Halen member gets one step closer to the grave, what will the last days of Van Halen be like? The health issues, the self destructive tendencies, the emotional instability issues, the divorces, the addictions and afflictions, the unforeseen twists of fate that happen to all of us. What does the devil have in store for these boys? Who the hell can say? Anybody care to make a couple of predictions? I'll go first...

Alex will die in a fiery car crash on the I-5 freeway in Los Angeles caused by an unsafe lane change due to his inability to properly check his mirrors in his Ferrari because of his chronic neck problems. Unfortunately other innocent lives are lost in the rush hour pileup. There will be no more boring drums solos by Alex.

As for Dave, in an ironic twist of fate after spending a lifetime being an egotistical pain in everybody else's ass, he develops a fatal and irreversible case of colon cancer. Learning that Dave is now actually skinnier than he, Eddie flies to the hospital to deliver to Dave that promised kick in the balls he always threatened him with. The last words Dave hears are "So long asshole!" as Eddie chuckles out the door.

Eddie will go on to write sappy ballads about the death of his brother, his divorce to Yoko Bertinelli, his new marriage to Paul McCartney's newly widowed one legged wife and his triumphant ball smacking of the late David Lee Roth. As "Ballbreaker" sells out everywhere Eddie gets to bask in the glory of success one more time before he is claimed by the bad karma he has generated which returns to him in the form of prostrate cancer. Somewhere David Lee Roth is laughing his ass off... Well, maybe not his ass.

It is Michael Anthony's destiny to be the final surviving Classic Van Halen member. He lives a long life of fast cars and fast women all the while sporting his trademark mullett style haircut. With no one left to stop him he releases a flood of never before seen or heard vintage Van Halen. The Van Halen legend is exposed to a whole new generation who suddenly understand what a real rock band is supposed to look and sound like. Heavy metal goes through a great renaissance. In the finest bass player tradition, he finally succumbs to a long life of Jack Daniel's and strippers in his eighties but his contribution to the fans will never be forgotten. With him die the real secrets of why the greatest rock band that ever lived never reunited while their fans still cared.

Okay, now let's hear yours.........

[HolyFuckingShit]

You are one sick little bitch, my friend, but I'll be dipped in shit if some of that wasn't pretty gosh-darned clever.

[Glenn]

If closing this makes me seem like I have no sense of humor, I'll live with that. Joking about the way people are going to die? Not really necessary!

Speak fondly of me.