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Thread: Uhhhhgggggggg!

  1. #1
    Atomic Punk Eddymon's Avatar
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    12.13.17 @ 04:13 PM
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    2002-09-01 04:15


    LONDON -- Almost 36 years to the day since they last performed in public, the Fab Four announced today the launch of a surprise world tour to support their new album "Strudel". How did this all come about? Read on for the full story!


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    On September 1st, original Beatles drummer Ringo Starr arrived in China for the start of the band's "Strudel" World Tour. The Beatles will be performing on September 14th at the Hong Kong Convention & Exhibition Center. In addition to Hong Kong, the first leg of the tour includes headlining appearances in Tokyo and Osaka for Japan's Summer Sonic Festival; Pukkelpop Festival in Belgium as well as The Leeds Festival and London Docklands Arena in the UK. Opening for the Fab Four will be popular shock-rapper Eminem and aging rocker/television phenomenon Ozzy Osbourne.

    The Beatles lineup consists of Mr. Starr (drums), Michael "Flea" Balzary of Red Hot Chili Peppers fame (bass guitar), former Van Halen frontman David Lee Roth (vocals and rhythm guitar) and the enigmatic virtuoso guitarist known only as "Buckethead" (lead and rhythm guitars). Of the original members of the band, John Lennon was murdered outside his New York apartment in 1980 and George Harrison died last year after a long fight with cancer. Sir Paul McCartney remains alive but is not participating in the tour and did not contribute to the album.

    When asked about the legitimacy of his efforts to pass off the current lineup of musicians as "the Beatles", Mr. Starr cited the recent performance of hard rock group Guns N' Roses at this year's MTV Video Music Awards. "I looked at them and I thought it was the silliest thing I'd ever seen," he said. "I mean Axl Rose was the only original member of the band, and frankly they sounded like shit warmed over. But when I saw the way fans responded to them anyhow, as if this was something special, you know, I realized there's probably just as many people out there who'd respond to the Beatles. So I made a few calls, and the lads here were excited at the chance to be a part of history."

    "Diamond" David Lee Roth was excited about joining the Fab Four. "Let's face it," he admitted. "What am I gonna do, say no? I haven't had steady work since the eighties, man... a dude's got to eat." Responding to criticism that he lacks the songwriting ability and social awareness that defined the man he replaces, John Lennon, Roth asked "have you ever listened to the lyrics to 'Panama'? FUCK THE ROCK ON, man! Woooooo!"

    Multi-billionaire ex-Beatle Sir Paul McCartney appeared disgusted by what he called a "shameful" exploitation of the public's ongoing fascination with the Beatles. "That stupid Ringo, he's pissed away all his money again, now hasn't he?"

    "What he's trying to pull off is a disgrace," continued McCartney, who founded the band and co-wrote most of their songs with Mr. Lennon. "Nobody's going to believe that a naked chap named after some bloody insect, a broken-down lounge singer and a man who wears a bucket of fried chicken on his head can replace John and George and me. It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

    Mr. Balzary, or "Flea", responded on the band's official website with a terse message reading "suck my dick you stupid limey."

    Mr. Starr expressed disappointment over McCartney's public comments. "I love Paul, you know," he said. "He's like the smug, self-righteous brother I never had. And the other fellows are all dead, aren't they? Does that mean the Beatles have to die too?"

    "I would have loved for Paul to take part," he continued, "but he's always thought he was a little bigger than the band, if you know what I mean. The truth is he was originally very interested in the project, but then he got married again and found out the woman had that wooden leg and all, and he had to pull out."

    Mr. McCartney had no official comment about his wife's wooden leg but inside sources say he's still trying to figure out how he could have been so completely fooled.

    The Fab Four will go back into the studio immediately following the aforementioned tour dates to put the final touches on their forthcoming "Strudel" album. The album is already creating controversy among both casual and die-hard fans, as it's the first Beatles album to earn a "parental advisory" label for the explicit lyrics in tracks such as "Love Sucker" and "Eleanor Rigby 2002". The first single, "GetYoFreakOn", has already been banned from radio airplay in most of Europe but managed to enter the charts at #2 based on strong bootleg sales over the internet. Buckethead and Flea share songwriting credits on the album.

    "Roth is useless," explained Flea, "and it's not like we're gonna let fuckin' Ringo write anything."

    When asked about the significance of "strudel", Flea said "it means 'pussy'."

    "It's what we're all here for, and it's what most of the album's about. So it seemed appropriate. Buckethead actually came up with the name, the rest of us were all just like 'fuck yeah man, that's excellent'."

    Buckethead was busy doing studio work with what passes for Guns N' Roses and was unavailable for comment.

    The band is currently trying to shrug off a series of lawsuits and stay focused on what they do best, namely write music and perform. Paul McCartney is seeking an injunction to prevent the band from using the Beatles name or perform any Beatles songs except "Yellow Submarine". John Lennon's widow Yoko Ono is suing the band for $270 billion in royalties. "John would have wanted it that way," she screeched.

    "I don't care about any of that crap," said Roth. "I just want to PAR-TAYYY like a MOTHERFUCKER, man! Woooooo!"
    'Old Van Halen, when I was in it-classic Van Halen-makes you wanna drink, dance and screw, right? And the new Van Halen encourages you to drink milk, drive a Nissan and have a relationship.' - David Lee Roth.

  2. #2
    Atomic Punk Bob_R's Avatar
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    12.13.11 @ 02:09 PM
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    I guess the truce is over huh?

  3. #3
    Atomic Punk Eddymon's Avatar
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    12.13.17 @ 04:13 PM
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    Originally posted by EVH FANATIC:
    I guess the truce is over huh?
    Where do you think I am bashing Dave? This is just someting I found at www.furiosity.com.
    If it were Sammy instead of Dave i still would have posted it.
    I am just sick of all 5 men, Dave, Sammy, Eddie Alex & Mike.
    Its either put up or go away to greener pastures for them as far as I'm concerned.

    Stop taking your fans for granted and make a fucking statement allready. ITS BEEN 3 FULL YEARS SINCE GARY QUIT.
    'Old Van Halen, when I was in it-classic Van Halen-makes you wanna drink, dance and screw, right? And the new Van Halen encourages you to drink milk, drive a Nissan and have a relationship.' - David Lee Roth.

  4. #4
    Atomic Punk Bob_R's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Eddymon:
    </font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by EVH FANATIC:
    I guess the truce is over huh?
    Where do you think I am bashing Dave? This is just someting I found at www.furiosity.com.
    If it were Sammy instead of Dave i still would have posted it.
    I am just sick of all 5 men, Dave, Sammy, Eddie Alex & Mike.
    Its either put up or go away to greener pastures for them as far as I'm concerned.

    Stop taking your fans for granted and make a fucking statement allready. ITS BEEN 3 FULL YEARS SINCE GARY QUIT.
    </font>[/QUOTE]Fair enough! [img]smile.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/thumb.gif[/img]

 

 

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