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  1. #1
    Atomic Punk lovemachine97(Version 2)'s Avatar
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    Default My niece the hellbeast

    Fairly certain I've never posted this here. If I have or it's in the wrong forum, feel free to delete or move. Just a couple minutes of fun.

    My niece has been nicknamed by her parents the "hellbeast," and anyone who has met her understands why. Of course, it turns out that, even though her mother is a doctor, they'd missed her chronic ear infections, so not only was she probably in a lot of pain, her speech was delayed, and I am sure both worked together to make her highly irritable.

    In truth, her behavior has greatly improved as she has gotten older, not to mention the tubes in her ears. But when she was the "hellbeast," she could be the cutest kid on the planet and suddenly the most evil.

    A buddy of mine I used to play in a band with--a guy I met in high school when he saw Van Halen's Balance in my backpack and decided to say 'hello' to me--is doing music on his own, and I noticed one of the songs he posted to Soundcloud was called "Baby Puncher," and inspiration struck.

    "What if we put my niece's tantrums to his music?" I started recording her tantrums, though most of them were just for audio as she was off camera. So while some of these shots actually capture her tantrum (like her screaming that she wants to go to Disneyland), others simply just fit to the vocals but aren't where they came from. The song was put together a year ago, hence the co-opting of Ferguson's "No justice, no peace."

    Her family is 100% okay with people watching this video. It has been posted on Facebook a few times. They think it's hilarious.

    Anyway, here is "No Ginky, No Peace." Hope it makes you laugh.



    (Side note: my buddy has BEGGED me to redo this 'song' with his newest version of this song. But it took too long to do the first time. He has always been a great guitar player, but he was just learning production when he recorded this, and I used a low quality mp3 which has since been further compressed. So he would want you to know that the music could sound much better.)

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  3. #2
    Baluchitherium Ted Van Halen's Avatar
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    So I am to infer from this that my wife and kids have chronic ear infections? Yeah, I went there. JK
    -TVH-


    If there must be trouble, let it be in my day, that my child may have peace. -Thomas Paine


    What is government itself but the greatest of all reflections on human nature? - James Madison


    Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the Government take care of him better take a closer look at the American Indian. - Henry Ford

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  5. #3
    Atomic Punk I Coulda Hada VH's Avatar
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    Default

    You should have her try to dplicate DLR's epic scream at the 1:46 mark of this one ...

    "It's so lonely at the top because it's so crowded at the bottom" - Diamond David Lee Roth

    "If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you"

    "Be careful what you wish for because you just might lose what you already have"

    "Women and Children First ... The REAL Van Halen III"

  6. #4
    Atomic Punk lovemachine97(Version 2)'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ted Van Halen View Post
    So I am to infer from this that my wife and kids have chronic ear infections? Yeah, I went there. JK
    Maybe so...has any of this happened?

    Angry at lunch not being ready yet, she was put into time out for her behavior and screamed (like you hear in the video) for 45 minutes. When she finally calmed down--at the age of fucking 3--she was shaking, completely red, and snot everywhere. I always say she should be President because she's the world's biggest narcissist. What calmed her down after these tantrums? Seeing herself in the iPhone's front facing camera.

    Have they learned how to anger piss? A year ago, my wife was out of town and I went to her sister's for dinner. My niece was being bad and finally, as a last resort, got a light spanking. A minute later, we heard a sound we hadn't heard before. Then I realized it kind of sounded like a fire hose. She got under the dinner table and had a huge grimace on her face and was just peeing on the tile as hard as she could. She sure got a reaction from mommy and daddy, so when she was REALLY 'pissed' for a while after, something got anger-pissed on.

    One late afternoon my sister-in-law was cooking dinner. It got suspiciously quiet and she searched for her and found her in the laundry room with a bleach pen in her mouth. She called poison control (and if you have ever done that, the phone call is not long). Before she was even off the phone, my niece had left and come back, saying, "I pooped in my room." Sure enough, she had. But she had also pulled every single piece of clothing and toy out and spread them across the entire floor of her room. It smelled like poop, but she made sure mommy and daddy would have to search for it. Her response? "I need a new room."

  7. #5
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    Oh boy... glad I don't have to parent her when she's a teen...

  8. #6
    Baluchitherium Ted Van Halen's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lovemachine97(Version 2) View Post
    Maybe so...has any of this happened?

    Angry at lunch not being ready yet, she was put into time out for her behavior and screamed (like you hear in the video) for 45 minutes. When she finally calmed down--at the age of fucking 3--she was shaking, completely red, and snot everywhere. I always say she should be President because she's the world's biggest narcissist. What calmed her down after these tantrums? Seeing herself in the iPhone's front facing camera.

    Have they learned how to anger piss? A year ago, my wife was out of town and I went to her sister's for dinner. My niece was being bad and finally, as a last resort, got a light spanking. A minute later, we heard a sound we hadn't heard before. Then I realized it kind of sounded like a fire hose. She got under the dinner table and had a huge grimace on her face and was just peeing on the tile as hard as she could. She sure got a reaction from mommy and daddy, so when she was REALLY 'pissed' for a while after, something got anger-pissed on.

    One late afternoon my sister-in-law was cooking dinner. It got suspiciously quiet and she searched for her and found her in the laundry room with a bleach pen in her mouth. She called poison control (and if you have ever done that, the phone call is not long). Before she was even off the phone, my niece had left and come back, saying, "I pooped in my room." Sure enough, she had. But she had also pulled every single piece of clothing and toy out and spread them across the entire floor of her room. It smelled like poop, but she made sure mommy and daddy would have to search for it. Her response? "I need a new room."
    No, none of that has ever happened.

    When my boys were younger though they had a friend stay over. My youngest was 2 (the only one not fully potty trained, that's important for later) the friend was 3 and my oldest was 4. So the boys were playing in my oldest son's room, wife and I having a few minutes kid-free in the great room when a horrendous smell jumps up our noses.

    I'm talking biblical proportion, full blown hazmat, what crawled up your rump and died, don't touch it with a twenty foot pole smell. We look up and the friend is coming down the hall saying something about my youngest pooping his pants so naturally we assume that the only one not fully potty trained had pooped his pants. So based solely on smell we decide it's a 2 parent job and go to where they are. I check the youngest, no poop, wife checks the oldest just in case, no poop. She then checks the friend and OH.MY.LORD. This child has loaded his pants with more crap than the law allows. So wife is cleaning him up and notices he's got crap all over his hands about the same time I notice crap all over the toy box, and the rug, and the blinds, and the wall, and everything else he's touched. So anything that isn't nailed down goes into the yard for hosing down with bleach solution. What stays in get scrubbed down with said solution. Long story short, we still have no idea what created the volume and stench emitted by that little boy and 9 years later that kid still gets referred to by the wife and I as the mad shatter.
    -TVH-


    If there must be trouble, let it be in my day, that my child may have peace. -Thomas Paine


    What is government itself but the greatest of all reflections on human nature? - James Madison


    Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the Government take care of him better take a closer look at the American Indian. - Henry Ford

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  10. #7
    Atomic Punk lovemachine97(Version 2)'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ted Van Halen View Post
    No, none of that has ever happened.

    When my boys were younger though they had a friend stay over. My youngest was 2 (the only one not fully potty trained, that's important for later) the friend was 3 and my oldest was 4. So the boys were playing in my oldest son's room, wife and I having a few minutes kid-free in the great room when a horrendous smell jumps up our noses.

    I'm talking biblical proportion, full blown hazmat, what crawled up your rump and died, don't touch it with a twenty foot pole smell. We look up and the friend is coming down the hall saying something about my youngest pooping his pants so naturally we assume that the only one not fully potty trained had pooped his pants. So based solely on smell we decide it's a 2 parent job and go to where they are. I check the youngest, no poop, wife checks the oldest just in case, no poop. She then checks the friend and OH.MY.LORD. This child has loaded his pants with more crap than the law allows. So wife is cleaning him up and notices he's got crap all over his hands about the same time I notice crap all over the toy box, and the rug, and the blinds, and the wall, and everything else he's touched. So anything that isn't nailed down goes into the yard for hosing down with bleach solution. What stays in get scrubbed down with said solution. Long story short, we still have no idea what created the volume and stench emitted by that little boy and 9 years later that kid still gets referred to by the wife and I as the mad shatter.
    So the friend just rooster-tailed it everywhere eh? That's awesome.

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  12. #8
    Baluchitherium Ted Van Halen's Avatar
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    Default My niece the hellbeast

    Quote Originally Posted by lovemachine97(Version 2) View Post
    So the friend just rooster-tailed it everywhere eh? That's awesome.
    Yeah it's awesome from where you're sitting. You didn't have to smell it or clean it up.
    -TVH-


    If there must be trouble, let it be in my day, that my child may have peace. -Thomas Paine


    What is government itself but the greatest of all reflections on human nature? - James Madison


    Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the Government take care of him better take a closer look at the American Indian. - Henry Ford

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  14. #9
    Gird your loins Daisy Hill's Avatar
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    "I need a new room" sorry but that made me LOL

    these parents are going to have to be hyper vigilant to not over indulge her as she gets older.


    as for TVH's "mad shatter" my nephew came to visit me when he was 6 and had a projectile pooping/vomiting episode that should have required a crime scene clean up crew. It's like at that age when they are feeling unwell they are just a bag full of human filth waiting to explode..you expect them to look somewhat deflated after the emptying, but nope they still look like normal little boys

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  16. #10
    Baluchitherium Ted Van Halen's Avatar
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    Oh yeah. Daisy's smellin' what I'm stepping in. I think I'm gonna vomaaauuuuhh!!!!
    -TVH-


    If there must be trouble, let it be in my day, that my child may have peace. -Thomas Paine


    What is government itself but the greatest of all reflections on human nature? - James Madison


    Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the Government take care of him better take a closer look at the American Indian. - Henry Ford

  17. #11
    Atomic Punk bsbll4's Avatar
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    This is one of the funniest threads we've seen here in a while. Hilarious stuff.
    CNN may think my opinion matters, but you shouldn't.

  18. #12
    Sinner's Swing! mikehunt5150's Avatar
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    That child is a NORMAL kid...


    GET READY....
    WHAT IS UNDERSTOOD NEED NOT BE DISCUSSED

  19. #13
    Baluchitherium Ted Van Halen's Avatar
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    Default My niece the hellbeast

    I was sworn to secrecy by my 11 yo over a farting incident a couple weeks ago. I'd warned him what would happen one day if he continued farting like a mad man. The prophecy was fulfilled as was spoken by the oracle. There was collateral damage. Use your imagination.
    -TVH-


    If there must be trouble, let it be in my day, that my child may have peace. -Thomas Paine


    What is government itself but the greatest of all reflections on human nature? - James Madison


    Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the Government take care of him better take a closer look at the American Indian. - Henry Ford

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    Gird your loins Daisy Hill's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ted Van Halen View Post
    Oh yeah. Daisy's smellin' what I'm stepping in. I think I'm gonna vomaaauuuuhh!!!!
    yep that was the story. the poop didn't seem to bother him as much as seeing me stepping in it. but it was everywhere... then the vomit valve opened full force. Takes a while to get the smell out of the washing machine too.

    couldn't have been older than 6-7-8 or somewhere thereabouts. he definitely had high capacity innards tho

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  23. #15
    Atomic Punk lovemachine97(Version 2)'s Avatar
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    Speaking of poop, another funny story. Normally we take the hellbeast and her 11-yr old sister and 6-yr old brother to Disneyland together. For a long time, only the older two could ride bigger rides, but no the hellbeast can ride most rides. But before that was true, one day we just brought the hellbeast with us.

    The first time it happened we were in line to meet Belle, her favorite at the time. As we were approaching the moment, my now wife noticed that the hellbeast was grabbing the queue chain, bending over, and grimacing. Fearful she was doing it in the pants, she rushed her to the nearby restroom. She hadn't gone and wouldn't go, so she rushed her back and she got to meet ball. I posted to Instagram the picture of her meeting Belle and without knowing the details, my caption was, "This little kid was so excited to meet Belle that she literally shit her pants."

    In line for Mickey's Fun Wheel in California Adventure, she grabbed the queue chain, bent over, squeezed the chain and grimaced again. Her face turned bright, bright red. It hit me. I told my wife, "She's not trying to go and not able to. She's trying as hard as she can NOT to go." We stayed all day, kept offering a bathroom, and nothing. The kid was so excited to be at Disneyland (and you can see that in the video) that she didn't want to miss one moment of it by being in the bathroom.

    Brought her home, a 1:20 drive, and her dad took her and put her to bed. As we were leaving, we heard him rushing down the hallway. He made it just in time. More shit than could have possibly been inside of this girl just came out and there was no stopping it.

    Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Mind over matter. Never miss a minute at Disneyland. You may skid mark through several pairs of underwear, but that's a small price to pay.

 

 

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