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  1. #1
    Sinner's Swing! Bullwinkle's Avatar
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    Default I Have Finished Growing My Moustache

    But first, let me tell you about this new phone I got.
    I was calling the pizza delivery service for the third time that night and this guy comes up and says, "Dude, that's an awesome phone!"
    I'm like, "Yeah, but it has a geek on the other end who won't deliver any goddam pizza," and he says, "Whoa!"
    Seriously. He said, "whoa." What a loser. Fortunately, my state has open-carry, so I flashed my Wembley flintlock at him and bade him vamoose.

    After the 'Whoa'-speaking pothead ran off, I turned my attention (and my moustache) to the non-pizza-producing geek who kept insisting that it was 3AM and the pizza delivery service was closed, and that the number I kept repeatedly calling wasn't even the number of a pizza-delivery service, but was, rather, the telephone number of his personal residence. The geek further insisted that he had no connection with any pizza-production business at all and was, instead, an accountant at a mortgage-refinancing business.

    The geek's long-winded and frantic explanation failed to produce any pizza, so I gave it no credence. Instead, I shouted that the bastard had better produce a pizza in the next five minutes and leave it on his doorstep, or I would burn his house down.

    Slamming the phone down for emphasis, I broke the screen and some other internal components. I was unable to make a call, but the texting function still worked. I quickly texted the frantically-pizza-producing-mortgage-refinancing geek to leave his droid on the doorstep along with the pizza and set off.

    Driving through the quiet streets and lawns of San Bernadino, while enjoying the new Van Halen album, was a welcome, peaceful interlude in this busy day. A day in which I had fended off a number of hysterical communications from an unbalanced website moderator. Most of which threatened legal action over my non-payment on a purchase I had made of "Alex Van Halen's First Diaper." The authenticity of which I was disputing since I doubted Mrs. Van Halen's favorite diaper company was named "Bon Jovi New Jersey World Tour 1987." I suspected that the seller had simply thrown the first fetid rag she could find into a FedEx envelope and hoped I would pay four hundred dollars for it.
    The other, non-litigous, communications from this individual were three marriage proposals and an offer to star in an "art film." From experience, I knew better than to reply.

    I soon found the doorstep with the pizza and a new iPhone and was able to bring a happy end to my busy day. The geek was nowhere in sight, but I let him know of my satisfaction by cursing loudly through the mail slot. Feeling generous, I decided to let the lack of anchovies slide.

    And the moustache? That's another story.







    Don't read this.

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  3. #2
    Super Duper Frontman track 5's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bullwinkle View Post
    But first, let me tell you about this new phone I got.
    I was calling the pizza delivery service for the third time that night and this guy comes up and says, "Dude, that's an awesome phone!"
    I'm like, "Yeah, but it has a geek on the other end who won't deliver any goddam pizza," and he says, "Whoa!"
    Seriously. He said, "whoa." What a loser. Fortunately, my state has open-carry, so I flashed my Wembley flintlock at him and bade him vamoose.

    After the 'Whoa'-speaking pothead ran off, I turned my attention (and my moustache) to the non-pizza-producing geek who kept insisting that it was 3AM and the pizza delivery service was closed, and that the number I kept repeatedly calling wasn't even the number of a pizza-delivery service, but was, rather, the telephone number of his personal residence. The geek further insisted that he had no connection with any pizza-production business at all and was, instead, an accountant at a mortgage-refinancing business.

    The geek's long-winded and frantic explanation failed to produce any pizza, so I gave it no credence. Instead, I shouted that the bastard had better produce a pizza in the next five minutes and leave it on his doorstep, or I would burn his house down.

    Slamming the phone down for emphasis, I broke the screen and some other internal components. I was unable to make a call, but the texting function still worked. I quickly texted the frantically-pizza-producing-mortgage-refinancing geek to leave his droid on the doorstep along with the pizza and set off.

    Driving through the quiet streets and lawns of San Bernadino, while enjoying the new Van Halen album, was a welcome, peaceful interlude in this busy day. A day in which I had fended off a number of hysterical communications from an unbalanced website moderator. Most of which threatened legal action over my non-payment on a purchase I had made of "Alex Van Halen's First Diaper." The authenticity of which I was disputing since I doubted Mrs. Van Halen's favorite diaper company was named "Bon Jovi New Jersey World Tour 1987." I suspected that the seller had simply thrown the first fetid rag she could find into a FedEx envelope and hoped I would pay four hundred dollars for it.
    The other, non-litigous, communications from this individual were three marriage proposals and an offer to star in an "art film." From experience, I knew better than to reply.

    I soon found the doorstep with the pizza and a new iPhone and was able to bring a happy end to my busy day. The geek was nowhere in sight, but I let him know of my satisfaction by cursing loudly through the mail slot. Feeling generous, I decided to let the lack of anchovies slide.

    And the moustache? That's another story.
    Dude. I hear ya. I mean technically I'm not on call or working. But, in pinch, I may have to. Anyway, I love any story that has the word anchovies in it. Now I'm thinking how in the fuck can I work anchovies in any conversation in the next couple of months? You sir, just changed my game plan. Out.
    Quin-a-se-i-co

    You're a dick for putting ian on "ignore" DIF

    "You stupid fuck!" Seen

    "Well if you saw it, stats and scientific studies be damned!" Lovemachine 97 v. 2.

  4. #3
    Atomic Punk
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    Default

    And the lesson we learn from this story is...

    next time you place your order, don't forget to say, "No anchovies please"
    Utilize. Improvise. Adapt. Overcome.

    I love coffee and sarcasm.

    RJD \m/


    Sig Pic courtesy of Greenpaw

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  6. #4
    Atomic Punk I Coulda Hada VH's Avatar
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    12.15.17 @ 08:13 AM
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    Default

    This reminds me of that fateful night back in early January 2006. A bunch of has gathered at a buddy's house to watch the BCS Title game between USC and Texas. His wife ordered pizza from our favorite place. She forgot to say "no anchovies". The only thing worse than the pizza that night was USC's defense. Bad memories.
    "It's so lonely at the top because it's so crowded at the bottom" - Diamond David Lee Roth

    "If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you"

    "Be careful what you wish for because you just might lose what you already have"

    "Women and Children First ... The REAL Van Halen III"

  7. #5
    Sinner's Swing! evhintexas's Avatar
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    12.09.17 @ 03:43 PM
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    I have never met a woman that smelled or tasted like anchovies----my god what is wrong with you people !!!!!




    LMFAO
    "The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants."

    A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government.

  8. #6
    Atomic Punk
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    12.04.17 @ 04:15 PM
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    Default

    My ex's favourite pizza toppings were pepperoni and anchovy...

    Needless to say, our son was not conceived on the nights he partook of pizza.
    I'm FEMALE...Deal with it!

    "Whatever you do, wherever you go, there you are..." Edward Van Halen 1986

    "You spend the first part of your life trying to make your mark, and the second part just trying to cover up your tracks"... Weesfreewheelin, 2012

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  9. #7
    Gird your loins Daisy Hill's Avatar
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    12.14.17 @ 05:44 PM
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    Default

    this story just reminds me of how technology has robbed us of the satisfaction of slamming down the phone on an unwanted caller. There is no satisfying crash of a hand set ...no jangle...no bang and clicks on the receivers end.

    just the ineffectual jab at a colorful touch screen conveying to the receiver no more emotion than a dropped call

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  11. #8
    Atomic Punk
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Daisy Hill View Post
    this story just reminds me of how technology has robbed us of the satisfaction of slamming down the phone on an unwanted caller. There is no satisfying crash of a hand set ...no jangle...no bang and clicks on the receivers end.

    just the ineffectual jab at a colorful touch screen conveying to the receiver no more emotion than a dropped call
    I still have an old-fashioned phone in my bedroom for JUST this purpose!
    I'm FEMALE...Deal with it!

    "Whatever you do, wherever you go, there you are..." Edward Van Halen 1986

    "You spend the first part of your life trying to make your mark, and the second part just trying to cover up your tracks"... Weesfreewheelin, 2012

    "Life's too short to stuff a mushroom"... Shirley Conran, 1975

    "You turn if you want to...The LADY is NOT for turning!"...Margaret
    Thatcher, 1980


  12. #9
    Atomic Punk I Coulda Hada VH's Avatar
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    12.15.17 @ 08:13 AM
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    Default

    "It's so lonely at the top because it's so crowded at the bottom" - Diamond David Lee Roth

    "If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you"

    "Be careful what you wish for because you just might lose what you already have"

    "Women and Children First ... The REAL Van Halen III"

  13. #10
    Baluchitherium
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    12.13.17 @ 02:13 AM
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    Default

    The biggest curiosity I have is how I could possibly be the first "Like" you've received. But I'm honored to bestow it upon you, sir.

    Also, consider the lack of anchovies a blessing in disguise. No one wants a full grown mustache that smells of anchovies, anger, and gun oil.
    Last edited by VegasVic; 06.08.15 at 05:55 PM.
    Posted from yo' mama's house.


  14. #11
    Sinner's Swing! UncleCrappy's Avatar
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    I would call that a nice piece of creative writing, but I'm convinced it actually happened that way.

  15. #12
    Atomic Punk I Coulda Hada VH's Avatar
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    Default

    Sometimes, truth is stranger than fiction ...
    "It's so lonely at the top because it's so crowded at the bottom" - Diamond David Lee Roth

    "If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you"

    "Be careful what you wish for because you just might lose what you already have"

    "Women and Children First ... The REAL Van Halen III"

 

 

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