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  1. #1
    Atomic Punk
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    12.11.17 @ 04:37 PM
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    Default The Guide To Pooping At Work

    We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the work-poop is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, please read the following. This is the survival guide for taking a dump at work.


    CROP DUSTING:
    When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

    FLY BY:
    This is the act of scouting out the bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back later. Be careful not to become aFREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

    ESCAPEE:
    This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or peeing in the stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to a farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes everyone uneasy.

    JAILBREAK:
    When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at machine gun pace. This is sometimes a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what jus t happened.

    COURTESY FLUSH:
    The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

    WALK OF SHAME:
    Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, its best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the
    COURTESY FLUSH.

    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
    This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

    THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN):
    A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. The PFN group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of the Out of the Closet Poopers, and help identify SAFE HAVENS.

    SAFE HAVENS:
    A Safe Haven is a seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom while you are pooping.

    TURD BURGLAR:
    This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves to avoid any uncomfortable eye contact.

    CAMO-COUGH:
    A phony cough that alerts all new entrants to the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover up a WATERMELON, and to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

    ASTAIRE:
    An Astaire is a subtle toe tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will relinquish all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

    WATERMELON:
    A big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    HAVANA OMELET:
    A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water, often accompanied by ESCAPEES and JAILBREAKS. Try using a CAMO-COUGH/ASTAIRE combination.

    UNCLE TODD:
    An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.

    Following the above guidelines can help us all have easier pooping-at-work experiences. Happy Crapping!
    "Watch what people are cynical about, and one can often discover what they lack.” -- Gen. George S. Patton

  2. #2
    Atomic Punk MF5150's Avatar
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    12.10.17 @ 12:20 PM
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    Default

    I remember the first time I saw this years ago.

    Actually made me feel good to know I wasnt the only one who did that shit.

    Pun fully intended.
    My man, when you are fantasizing, don't go for attainable, you can get attainable at the local Applebee's. - Dave's Dreidel

  3. #3
    Atomic Punk LLFHS's Avatar
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    Default

    Just. Flush.

    JUST.

    FUCKING.


    FLUSH!!!!

    That's all I goddamn ask !!!!
    LowLifeFlatHeadScum

    [sigpic][/sigpic]


    Your Hacked Nude Photo Here!

  4. #4
    Atomic Punk
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by LLFHS View Post
    Just. Flush.

    JUST.

    FUCKING.


    FLUSH!!!!

    That's all I goddamn ask !!!!
    No shit. . And grown ass men need to stop with the booger art on the walls. There's fuckin' toilet paper right there!
    Utilize. Improvise. Adapt. Overcome.

    I love coffee and sarcasm.

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  5. #5
    Atomic Punk CaboChris's Avatar
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by LLFHS View Post
    Just. Flush.

    JUST.

    FUCKING.


    FLUSH!!!!

    That's all I goddamn ask !!!!
    This.

    A person who doesn't flush is someone I don't even want to associate with. That kind of extreme laziness is unsanitary and offends my sensibilities.

  6. #6
    Atomic Punk LLFHS's Avatar
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    Default

    And you know these cocksuckers wouldn't do this in their own home! Why the hell are they doing it at the office? A freaking office environment, allegedly staffed by adults!
    LowLifeFlatHeadScum

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  7. #7
    Atomic Punk edwardv's Avatar
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by LLFHS View Post
    Just. Flush.

    JUST.

    FUCKING.


    FLUSH!!!!

    That's all I goddamn ask !!!!

    Sometimes twice for chinese food!


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
    EVH 1979: Well, actually it's not much of a vacation, because we run everything ourselves. We design our own album cover, we have to be in the office every day to sign checks - the whole corporation revolves around us. Nothing can be done without our approval. We even have photo approval.

  8. #8
    Eruption
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    10.26.17 @ 05:29 PM
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by voivod View Post
    UNCLE TODD:
    An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.
    We've got an Uncle Todd at my workplace. This guy eats a ton of meat and I don't think he has ever eaten a vegetable in his life. He literally will take an hour to shit. I thought he just did it at work to waste time, but apparently he does the same at home and when he goes out to eat. I fully expect him to die of a heart attack before age 50.

  9. #9
    Atomic Punk Raldo's Avatar
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    Default

    Haven't seen this in many a years. Still funny!
    Remember the Heroes - 9/11/01

    In 2012, the phoenix has risen!!

    "High speed, low drag."

    "Look at all the people here tonight!!!" - 10/5/07, 5/20/08 Mohegan Sun

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    got tequila?

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  10. #10
    Good Enough kowski's Avatar
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by CaboChris View Post
    A person who doesn't flush is someone I don't even want to associate with. That kind of extreme laziness is unsanitary and offends my sensibilities.
    Our bathroom at work is publicly accessible, and the public is disgusting. Absolutely nobody flushes or washes their hands, but they do go to the trouble of turning off the vent fan as they leave.

    Don't get me started on the bathroom at the gym. How do people get the roll of toilet paper soaking wet? Why is there pee on the flush handle? Does every guy need to have a shave at the sink and not wash down the whiskers? Can't they shave at home?

    Sorry, bathroom rant over.

  11. #11
    Sinner's Swing! Darkstar's Avatar
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    Default

    You need to find a new gym and leave the current one to the bears.....
    Love should NOT be work, it should be as easy as breathing Dave's Dreidel

    My god, our government has less secrets than Van Halen. Emperor Brett

    I'm a Democrat and an Atheist, but I've yet to receive my ticket to Hell. Is this something I call Live Nation about or what? JakeK21

    I feel it takes far more energy to hate than love. Well outside of Obamacare, How Many Say I and Heineken beer. ziggysmalls

  12. #12
    Good Enough
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    Default

    Someone always pisses all over the floor in front of the urinal. That particular restroom is open to the public, but the fact that there is a puddle of piss on the floor every damned day tells me that it is someone I actually work with. Nice.

    I refuse to shit at work. I just won't do.
    blah blah blah Devin Townsend blah blah blah

    https://www.facebook.com/devintownsendexperience

  13. #13
    Gird your loins Daisy Hill's Avatar
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by kowski View Post
    Our bathroom at work is publicly accessible, and the public is disgusting. Absolutely nobody flushes or washes their hands, but they do go to the trouble of turning off the vent fan as they leave.

    Don't get me started on the bathroom at the gym. How do people get the roll of toilet paper soaking wet? Why is there pee on the flush handle? Does every guy need to have a shave at the sink and not wash down the whiskers? Can't they shave at home?

    Sorry, bathroom rant over.
    women are no better. I once belonged to a women only gym and there was a woman who used to get into the whirlpool that was at one end of the swimming pool and shave her legs. She would then get out and jump into the pool...disgusting

    I always expected that one day she would nick her leg and end up with a flesh eating bacteria infection.

    oh and there was the woman who wouldnt put a towel down before she sat naked on the benches in the locker room....her naked pooter pressed against that wooden bench. In my mind I would hear a suctiony kind of sound when she sat down and when she stood up. almost expected the bench to be stuck to her bottom when she stood up...who would sit naked on a public bench?
    Last edited by Daisy Hill; 07.26.14 at 07:21 PM.

  14. #14
    Atomic Punk bsbll4's Avatar
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Daisy Hill View Post
    women are no better. I once belonged to a women only gym and there was a woman who used to get into the whirlpool that was at one end of the swimming pool and shave her legs. She would then get out and jump into the pool...disgusting

    I always expected that one day she would nick her leg and end up with a flesh eating bacteria infection.

    oh and there was the woman who wouldnt put a towel down before she sat naked on the benches in the locker room....her naked pooter pressed against that wooden bench. In my mind I would hear a suctiony kind of sound when she sat down and when she stood up. almost expected the bench to be stuck to her bottom when she stood up...who would sit naked on a public bench?
    That from "hot" to "nasty" in the matter of one sentence. I thought women just walked around naked in the lockerroom snapping each others' bare bottoms with towels? Don't tell me movies lied to me!
    CNN may think my opinion matters, but you shouldn't.

  15. #15
    Atomic Punk CaboChris's Avatar
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    I try to not touch anything when I use the bathroom at work.

    I won't shit unless it's an absolute emergency. I use my foot to flush the toilet and my elbow/shoulder to open the door.

 

 

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