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  1. #1
    Atomic Punk Rod Dangle's Avatar
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    10.13.16 @ 06:35 PM
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    Default The 20 Worst Pieces Of Advice Your Parents Gave You As A Child

    The 20 Worst Pieces Of Advice Your Parents Gave You As A Child

    1. You Can Be Anything You Want To Be

    Oh, you want to be an astronaut when you grow up? Dude, you canít even poke the straw into a Capri Sun pouch. Aim for mediocre (and, honestly, Iím giving you the benefit of the doubt in assuming that you can even be mediocre).

    Revised Lesson: You Can Be Anything You Want To Be As Long As You Want To Be A TGI Fridayís Waiter.

    2. Don't Be Afraid To Fail

    You should definitely be afraid to fail. If anything, you should be more afraid to fail than you currently are. If youíre not constantly afraid of failing all the time, youíre going to let your guard down and totally fail. And if you fail in life, then you wonít be able to get a job, which means you wonít have any money to pay your rent or buy food and wind up living with your parents who will keep giving you shitty life lessons.

    Revised Lesson: Donít Be Afraid To Fail If Your Family Is Filthy Rich.

    3. Don't Judge A Book By Its Cover

    Judging people is an important part of life. Itís an animal instinct that helps you determine whether a person is a threat and/or a potential sexual mate. Sometimes chicks are both #FearBoner.

    Revised Lesson: Save Time By Labeling People Before You Get To Know Them.

    4. Take The Road Less Traveled

    Nah dude, my boy Jeremy just got mugged on that road last week. Shit's sketchy as fuck.

    Revised Lesson: Only Take The Road Less Traveled If Youíre Packing Heat.

    PS Incidentally, "The Road Less Traveled" is the name of the erotic novel Iím writing (the road less traveled = anal FYI).

    5. Be Yourself

    Donít be yourself. Youíre a horrible person on the inside and you watch weird porn. If you act like yourself someone is going to end up calling the police. People who tell you to be yourself have no friends.

    Revised Lesson: Be What You Imagine Others Will Think Is Cool.

    6. Drink Two Glasses Of Milk Per Day

    The natural reason milk is produced by a cow is so its baby calf can grow into a 900 pound monster. Iíve seen you packed into those skinny jeans, man. You donít need to gain any more weight. Also, stop giving yourself a milk mustache and saying, ďThe dude abidesĒ in your best Sam Elliot voice in front of the mirror. Youíre just embarrassing yourself.

    Revised Lesson: Only Drink Milk When Youíre Eating Oreos.

    7. There's No Use Crying Over Spilt Milk

    Oh, no use crying over spilt milk, eh? Well, I just spilt some milk all over my new Lebron XIís and now theyíre ruined. Fucking Oreos, man. I was overzealous with my dunking. I got cocky and now Iím paying the price.

    Revised Lesson: Donít Be A Clumsy Asshole Who Spills His Milk.

    8. Two Heads Are Better Than One

    Who cares what other people think? Their ideas are different than yours and, therefore, totally wrong. The best way to grow as a human being is to shut out people who disagree with you and call them ignorant.

    Revised Lesson: My Head Is Better Than Your Head.

    9. Slow And Steady Wins The Race

    When has going slow and steady won anyone anything? I donít know, maybe thatís your mantra when youíre trying to last longer in the sack or something.

    Revised Lesson: NOS And Being Friends With Ludacris Wins The Race.*

    *Everything I know about racing comes from The Fast And The Furious.

    10. People In Glass Houses Shouldn't Throw Stones

    First of all, where can I cop a glass house because that seems sick? I bet that, like, R. Kelly lives in a glass house and he forces his neighbors to watch him slay all of the chicks/15-year-olds that he brings back. And yeah, I just threw a stone at him. What of it?

    Revised Lesson: Buy A Sweet Ass Glass House.

    11. The Early Bird Gets The Worm

    Waking up early blows dickóthe grass is all dewy and gross, the sun is rising and blinding, animals are moving all about giving people rabies and shit. Iím gonna go sleep for another five hours minimum. Wake me up when Iíve missed all of my adult responsibilities.

    Revised Lesson: The Early Bird Obviously Doesnít Have A Hangover, So His Lessons Donít Apply To Normal People.

    12. Never Say Never

    There are plenty of things that you should say never to: Never step on the third rail, never drink gasoline, never wear a condom, never watch Justin Bieber's Never Say Never, etc. Plus, this rule is a catch 22. You legit just said Ďneverí twice in the fucking rule itself. Geez, amateur hour over here.

    Revised Lesson: Never Say, ďNever Say NeverĒ Because Youíll Sound Like A Total Tool.

    13. Take Responsibility For Your Actions

    If you take responsibility for your actions then youíll either get punished or everyone will think youíre a dick. Thereís nothing noble about throwing up on the living room couch at three in the morning from eating too many late night taquitos from 7-Eleven.

    Revised Lesson: Blame Everyone On Someone Else.

    14. Get Back On The Horse

    If a horse ever throws you off, never get back on. That horse is dangerous and is probably out for blood. I repeat: DO NOT get back on the horse/death beast.

    All right, Iíve gotta come clean. True story, I got kicked in the head by a horse when I was ten and Iíve had a vendetta against them ever since. Fuck horses. Iíll kick you in the head, you fucking horse. You look like Hillary Swank. Have fun being dog food when you break your leg.

    Revised Lesson: If You Get Thrown Off Your Horse, Get A Car. Itís 2014.

    15. Don't Talk To Strangers

    Everybody knows that strangers are the most interesting people on the planet. Theyíre always pretty chill people and they usually donít want to drug you and sell you into sex slavery. Like, almost never. Okay, it happened one time, but, like, it was daylight savings and it was this whole thing. Unless the new person youíre meeting is a clown living in a sewer, youíll probably be fine.

    Revised Lesson: Never Talk To Child Molesters.

    16. Curiosity Killed The Cat

    So, you want us to not be curious, mom and dad? Human advancement comes out of curiosity. What if Albert Einstein (for those of you who donít know him, heís the guy with his tongue sticking out in your dorm room poster back in college) was like, ďI could try to figure out this whole relativity thing...but better not. I donít want to be a bother.Ē

    Revised Lesson: Feline Leukemia Killed The Cat.

    17. A Penny Saved Is A Penny Earned

    Who the fuck saves pennies? Poor people? Are you really that much of a dick that you canít put a penny in a tip jar? Like, what the fuck are you going to buy with a penny? One Swedish fish? Actually, Swedish fish are, like, 15 cents. Inflation, amirite?

    Revised Lesson: Save 15 Pennies And Buy Some Swedish Fish.

    18. Eat Your Vegetables So You Grow Up To Be Big And Strong

    This one has always chapped my ass real bad, man. My parents used to tell me this every night at dinner and Iíd shovel broccoli and green beans into my mouth, thinking Iíd end up swole as fuck. Like, I figured by the time I was the age I am now, Iíd look like goddamn Dolph Lundgren or some shit, but instead I look like a bag of mashed potatoes.

    Revised Lesson: Do Steroids So Youíll Grow Up To Be Big And Strong.

    19. An Apple A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

    Noshing on a Macintosh isnít going to fix your liver disease. In fact, all of that hard cider youíve been drinking is probably what gave you that liver disease in the first place. So, essentially, if you eat apples you will die. Thatís just science.

    Revised Lesson: No Health Insurance Keeps The Doctor Away

    20. Treat Others How You Want To Be Treated

    Well, maybe you treat yourself like shit. Maybe you destroy your body with booze and sugar. Maybe you watch yourself eat fast food in the bathroom mirror and cry while your lard filled mouth screams, ďIím not a piece of shit! Youíre a piece of shit!Ē Maybe you write self-deprecating articles for #menswear blogs. You should probably treat others better than you treat yourself, man.

    Revised Lesson: Treat Yourself To Something Nice, Youíve Earned It.

  2. #2
    Atomic Punk LLFHS's Avatar
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    04.01.16 @ 10:23 PM
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    The famous parental lesson that I hate most is "if somebody hits you don't hit back, tell a teacher".

    Fuck that. I'm going to be telling my kid that if some little shit hits him, kick them square in the nuts THEN if some teacher wants to know what's up calmly explain what happened.

    Your Hacked Nude Photo Here!

  3. #3
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    Respect my Wind
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    10.20.16 @ 09:08 PM
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    Always be yourself.
    Unless you can be a Pirate.
    Then always be a Pirate.
    "Alcoholism, is like, the only disease you can get yelled at for having" - Mitch

  4. #4
    Gird your loins Daisy Hill's Avatar
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    10.21.16 @ 07:48 AM
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    Always respect your elders....what a stupid rule

    some of the elders I have come into contact with , (including one screwed up fuckwad of a school administrator) were so lacking in any quality that deserved my respect that I learned this rule should be taken with a grain of salt.

    new rule... respect your elders who are deserving of your respect, the rest of them, ignore as much as possible. Outside of their presence tell anyone who will listen about what an asshole they are.



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