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  1. #1
    Sinner's Swing! Jesus H Christ's Avatar
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    12.16.17 @ 06:39 AM
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    Default Surviving Whole Foods

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kelly-...b_3895583.html

    Whole Foods is like Vegas. You go there to feel good but you leave broke, disoriented, and with the newfound knowledge that you have a vaginal disease.

    Unlike Vegas, Whole Foods' clientele are all about mindfulness and compassion... until they get to the parking lot. Then it's war. As I pull up this morning, I see a pregnant lady on the crosswalk holding a baby and groceries. This driver swerves around her and honks. As he speeds off I catch his bumper sticker which says 'NAMASTE'. Poor lady didn't even hear him approaching because he was driving a Prius. He crept up on her like a panther.

    As the great, sliding glass doors part I am immediately smacked in the face by a wall of cool, moist air that smells of strawberries and orchids. I leave behind the concrete jungle and enter a cornucopia of organic bliss; the land of hemp milk and honey. Seriously, think about Heaven and then think about Whole Foods; they're basically the same.

    The first thing I see is the great wall of kombucha -- 42 different kinds of rotten tea. Fun fact: the word kombucha is Japanese for 'I gizzed in your tea.' Anyone who's ever swallowed the glob of mucus at the end of the bottle knows exactly what I'm talking about. I believe this thing is called "The Mother" which makes it that much creepier.

    Next I see the gluten-free section filled with crackers and bread made from various wheat-substitutes such as cardboard and sawdust. I skip this aisle because I'm not rich enough to have dietary restrictions. Ever notice that you don't meet poor people with special diet needs? A gluten intolerant house cleaner? A cab driver with Candida? Candida is what I call a rich, white person problem. You know you've really made it in this world when you get Candida. My personal theory is that Candida is something you get from too much hot yoga. All I'm saying is if I were a yeast, I would want to live in your yoga pants.

    Next I approach the beauty aisle. There is a scary looking machine there that you put your face inside of and it tells you exactly how ugly you are. They calculate your wrinkles, sun spots, the size of your pores, etc. and compare it to other women your age. I think of myself attractive but as it turns out, I am 78 percent ugly, meaning less pretty than 78 percent of women in the world. On the popular 1-10 hotness scale used by males the world over, that makes me a 3 (if you round up, which I hope you will.) A glance at the extremely close-up picture they took of my face, in which I somehow have a glorious, blond porn mustache, tells me that 3 is about right. Especially because the left side of my face is apparently 20 percent more aged than the right. Fantastic. After contemplating ending it all here and now, I decide instead to buy their product. One bottle of delicious smelling, silky feeling creme that is maybe going to raise me from a 3 to a 4 for only $108 which is a pretty good deal when you think about it.

    I grab a handful of peanut butter pretzels on my way out of this stupid aisle. I don't feel bad about pilfering these bites because of the umpteen times that I've overpaid at the salad bar and been tricked into buying $108 beauty creams. The pretzels are very fattening but I'm already in the seventieth percentile of ugly so who cares.

    Next I come to the vitamin aisle which is a danger zone for any broke hypochondriac. Warning: Whole Foods keeps their best people in this section. Although you think she's a homeless person at first, that vitamin clerk is an ex-pharmaceuticals sales rep. Today she talks me into buying estrogen for my mystery mustache and Women's Acidophilus because apparently I DO have Candida after all.

    I move on to the next isle and ask the nearest Whole Foods clerk for help. He's wearing a visor inside and as if that weren't douchey enough, it has one word on it in all caps. Yup, NAMASTE. I ask him where I can find whole wheat bread. He chuckles at me "Oh, we keep the poison in aisle 7." Based solely on the attitudes of people sporting namaste paraphernalia today, I'd think it was Sanskrit for "go fuck yourself."

    I pass the table where the guy invites me to join a group cleanse he's leading. For $179.99 I can not-eat not-alone... not-gonna-happen. They're doing the cleanse where you consume nothing but lemon juice, cayenne pepper and fiber pills for 10 days, what's that one called again? Oh, yeah...anorexia. I went on a cleanse once; it was a mixed blessing. On the one hand, I detoxified, I purified, I lost weight. On the other hand, I fell asleep on the highway, fantasized about eating a pigeon, and crapped my pants. I think I'll stick with the whole eating thing.

    I grab a couple of loaves of poison, and head to checkout. The fact that I'm at Whole Foods on a Sunday finally sinks in when I join the end of the line...halfway down the dog food aisle. I suddenly realize that I'm dying to get out of this store. Maybe it's the lonely feeling of being a carnivore in a sea of vegans, or the newfound knowledge that some people's dogs eat better than I do, but mostly I think it's the fact that Yani has been playing literally this entire time. Like sensory deprivation, listening to Yani seems harmless at first, enjoyable even. But two hours in, you'll chew your own ear off to make it stop.

    A thousand minutes later, I get to the cashier. She is 95 percent beautiful. "Have you brought your reusable bags?" Fuck. No, they are at home with their 2 dozen once-used friends. She rings up my meat, alcohol, gluten and a wrapper from the chocolate bar I ate in line, with thinly veiled alarm. She scans my ladies acidophilus, gives me a pitying frown and whispers, "Ya know, if you wanna get rid of your Candida, you should stop feeding it." She rings me up for $313. I resist the urge to unwrap and swallow whole another $6 truffle in protest. Barely. Instead, I reach for my wallet, flash her a quiet smile and say, "Namaste."
    "The less I needed, the better I felt." ~ Charles Bukowski.

  2. #2
    Atomic Punk MF5150's Avatar
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    12.16.17 @ 09:55 AM
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    Default

    Entertaining article.


    I'm still trying to find out what the point of it was. To show that shopping in today's world is scary, a hassle, and/or disgusting???


    But it was...it was entertaining.
    My man, when you are fantasizing, don't go for attainable, you can get attainable at the local Applebee's. - Dave's Dreidel

  3. #3
    Baluchitherium
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    12.16.17 @ 11:19 AM
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    Default

    It's just wrong when a girl talks about crapping her pants, it isnt funny like when a guy says it.
    "Alcoholism, is like, the only disease you can get yelled at for having" - Mitch
    Hedberg

  4. #4
    Gird your loins Daisy Hill's Avatar
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    12.15.17 @ 05:43 PM
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by MF5150 View Post
    Entertaining article.


    I'm still trying to find out what the point of it was. To show that shopping in today's world is scary, a hassle, and/or disgusting???


    But it was...it was entertaining.
    it was from HuffPosts comedy section

    a lot of people shop at whole foods to be healthy or to be trendy

    but dang it's expensive and yeah I get the "healthier than tho" vibe

    and even as a vegetarian I can say that some of this stuff is over the top

    my local health food shop has a new display of Kombucha and I had heard a lot about its health benefits, but just picking up the bottle and looking at it grossed me out and this article summed it up

    The first thing I see is the great wall of kombucha -- 42 different kinds of rotten tea. Fun fact: the word kombucha is Japanese for 'I gizzed in your tea.' Anyone who's ever swallowed the glob of mucus at the end of the bottle knows exactly what I'm talking about. I believe this thing is called "The Mother" which makes it that much creepier.

    survivor of the Bowling Green Massacre 9-3-2016 BGSU 10 OSU 77

    She was warned. She was given an explanation. Nevertheless, she persisted.

  5. #5
    Sinner's Swing! Rick S's Avatar
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    06.23.17 @ 09:49 PM
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    Default

    on the north east coast whole foods is like the hipster , trendy , oh i can shop here because money is not an issue kind of super market....when i lived in DC people looked at you like you were crazy if you didnt "hang out" at whole foods on grocery day.
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  6. #6
    Atomic Punk Dave's Dreidel's Avatar
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    12.16.17 @ 06:36 AM
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    Default

    Whole Foods isn't expensive, it's insanely expensive.
    Taylor Swift is nice to look at. Adele can sing.

    Emperor Brett - "I can't believe you guys are analyzing song-by-song Van Halen III? What next, analyzing the script of Stroker Ace looking for some shred of Citizen Kane?"

    David Lee Roth did the impossible. He made Van Halen better. Deal with it!

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  7. #7
    Baluchitherium Ted Van Halen's Avatar
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    12.16.17 @ 02:16 PM
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    Default

    We call it "Whole Paycheck" down here.
    -TVH-


    If there must be trouble, let it be in my day, that my child may have peace. -Thomas Paine


    What is government itself but the greatest of all reflections on human nature? - James Madison


    Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the Government take care of him better take a closer look at the American Indian. - Henry Ford

  8. #8
    Good Enough wombattt's Avatar
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    05.23.17 @ 01:16 PM
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    Default

    Overly pretencious grocery store, sadly Trader Joes is getting the same viibe here..,,f'ing yuppies (I know it's an 80s term, but it still applies....thank God I make more than they do)
    "Always hopeful, yet discontent,
    He knows changes aren't permanent
    But change is!"

  9. #9
    Atomic Punk bklynboy68's Avatar
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    Default

     "He has a swaggering retro machismo that will give hives to the Steinem cabal" -Camille Paglia on Donald Trump

    "Make way for the bad guy"- Tony Montana

    'This hamburger don't need no helper"- David Lee Roth

    "I wish Bon Jovi would've given me a call before he recorded all of his hits, because the lyrics would've been smarter, the melodies would've been much more smashing, and they would've sold a lot fewer records." -David Lee Roth

    "My beef is people thinking Bon Jovi is good cuz they sold lots of records to housewives." -tango

    "But being number one doesn’t really mean jack fuck all. We sold twice as many records as other records that year (1984) that landed in the Number One position." ~Eddie Van Halen

  10. #10
    Atomic Punk
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    12.04.17 @ 04:15 PM
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    Default

    The thing I find terrifying is the machine that tells you how old you look! I'd imagine it's like getting on the scales - you don't want to know the answer, and yet you are compelled to check, even though you know it's going to say something guaranteed to make you feel like absolute pants.

    I dread the day when Whole Foods decides to expand into the UK. I have a horrible feeling I won't be able to resist the urge to enter the premises, spend money I don't have, and discover the awful truth about my aging face...
    I'm FEMALE...Deal with it!

    "Whatever you do, wherever you go, there you are..." Edward Van Halen 1986

    "You spend the first part of your life trying to make your mark, and the second part just trying to cover up your tracks"... Weesfreewheelin, 2012

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    Thatcher, 1980


  11. #11
    ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ Number 47's Avatar
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    Default

    After Ripping Whole Foods, Blogger Vows To Return - In Disguise

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/0...n_3950374.html

  12. #12
    Atomic Punk ziggysmalls's Avatar
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    12.16.17 @ 08:21 AM
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    I never have been to a Whole Foods but I assume its like Mustard Seed or Trader Joes. Full of either vegans, pompous white people who know it all, hipsters or all of the above.

    I bet one sees a lot of Hope stickers on the cars up there.

    Oh well whatever floats your boat.

  13. #13
    Master Bluesman Elwood P.'s Avatar
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    12.16.17 @ 11:55 AM
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    Funny article.

    Who's up for a SPAM sandwich?
    "I'm the opposite of Bill Cosby. Diamond Dave always gets your approval." (DLR)

    "Kids, just say NO to marriage". (Al Bundy)

    Rawhide in "A"

    OAA

  14. #14
    Outta Space Cowboy Scotty's Avatar
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    12.16.17 @ 02:23 PM
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    I went to a Whole Foods once, in Chicago. It was the only grocery store near our hotel, and The Boy needed milk and a couple other essentials. I could've just been having a better than usual day, but everyone else I saw shopping looked mad at something.

  15. #15
    Good Enough JakeK21's Avatar
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    10.26.15 @ 12:38 PM
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    Default

    I've been there one time. It's nice for the once-in-a-blue-moon lunch but unless you're, like Daisy said, the "healthier than thou" vegan/musclehead type, it's not worth going there regularly.

 

 

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