Follow us on...
Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Facebook Watch us on YouTube
Register
Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast
Results 1 to 15 of 47
  1. #1
    Atomic Punk
    Join Date
    01.29.02
    Age
    49
    Location
    somewhere over the rainbow
    Posts
    22,946
    Last Online

    12.11.17 @ 04:37 PM
    Likes
    842
    Liked 1,229 Times in 448 Posts

    Default women; the laundry list...

    "Women"


    There are many mysteries of the universe, vast unknowable chasms of wonder out there, but the gals are not one of them. They are not like us, but they are not without a purpose or a plan and I happen to know most of it. I have stayed at many a Holiday Inn Express, and I have had my 31 flavors of pie.

    So, if you are between the ages of 15 and 25, or mentally so, pay attention and tattoo these pearls on the inside of your thigh. When you have lived a long and failed life of disasterous encounters with the fairer sex, you will want to read back my little laundry list and slap yourself for not taking it to heart.

    Item 1: Do not listen to what women have to say about women. They are not privy to the keen powers of self-instropection, nor are they honest when the mirror paints the picture of womanhood in a less-than-flattering light. If women were to be trusted about how they tick, we'd all have it figured out, and women would be happy. Society is afraid of saying what I am, that women have been led to believe they are a noble half of the human race, and more suited to matters of the heart. Fact is, they're just as clueless as you. Next.

    Item 2: Women are 95% a product of the relationship (or lack thereof) between they and their fathers. Men are made by their mothers, women by their dads. If daddy beat them, left them, or otherwise was a shitbag, you had better believe they will not have healthy impulses and chaos will follow them throughout their days. This is an absolute, so trust me when I say, if they don't have a healthy relationship with pops, they're not having one with you either, so fucking run. Yes, they're going to be fun in the sackeroo, but trust me....run. That other 5% of their nature comes from lucky genetics, but you're not turning that into anything by yourself. You ain't fixing a broken girl, so just run.

    Item 3: To attract women, you need but one thing....to be in charge. Not necessarily of the world or the building you work in, but in charge of your surroundings. You need to be in charge of whatever setting you and the women will be in. In any herd of animals, the females obey the alpha. You must be, no matter what the situation, the "guy". You might need to be the funny guy, or the cool guy, or the host, or the entertainer, or even the "taken" one, but you had better be the center of attention that day. To be this thing, you need some confidence, you need your shit in order, and you need some sort of talent that will put you in the alpha spot - no matter if that's at the library or at the night club. Women do not fawn at the slowest, weakest gazelle. They look at what's running out front, and follow. Get your life in order. Women are not laying in the tub right now letting the water hit the pink parts dreaming about a gun nut who's playing Rainbow Six in his mom's basement. You follow? This leads me to item 4.

    Item 4: Women, real women, do not want a boy. They want a man, so be one. Don't get dickhead haircuts, tribal tats, spinners for your ghey car, the latest trendy clothes or skin care products. These are the tools of vain boys, and a woman does not want these things from you even if she acts like she does. You may get some dates, you may get laid, you may even get married by being a boy.....but bet your ass that your woman will dream of a man (which is not you).

    Item 5: Women, contrary to legend, do not want sex that often...especially once the relationship cools off (normalizes). If they do crave the weenie all the time, they are messed up (see item #1). Women do not have testesterone pumping through their organs, and will not crave sex, at least not like you think they do. Get used to it, deal with it, and make your peace with the fact that a normal woman wants sex about 1/10th as much as you. Sadly, the sexaholic women are usually reliving some sort of childhood trauma, and sex gives them control over their neuroses about that past. See, women have sex for very different reasons than we do. They have it to feel sexy, to feel loved, to feel wanted, even to feel in charge....but they don't have that physical drive like us. We, by contrast, have sex to purge the evil venom from our balls, and that's about the extent of it.

    Item 6: There is nothing a woman can sniff out like desperation. If you have even one tiny cell of creepy in you, she'll smell it all over you like a possum carcus in the sun. One of the lessons of adulthood is FUCKING RELAX. Do it, for all our sakes. Don't chase women, for there is no need. Be a man, be yourself, have a good time and get your life in order, and the women will forever come to you. Believe this fellas.....nothing could be truer. If young swingset would have only known this.... but that's another story and it involves copious masturbation and alot of Boone's Farm.

    Item 7: Women, contrary to another urban legend, are shitbags too. They will have you convinced, if you talk to them enough, that they are the masters of reason and emotion. Bullshit, fellas. They are contriving, maniacal masters of chaos and work feverishly against their own happiness sometimes. Nothing will disturb a woman so deeply to her core as true contentment. Some women shudder at the thought of a placid, pleasing life. It's a very rare thing, a woman at peace and comfortable with herself....so when you find one, say "I do" and keep her away from other women. Wanna see proof of this? Work along side alot of women. When one finds happiness, the others go about dismantling hers with ant-like industry. Nothing on earth is quite so destructive as women screwing with a happy one. It's a pretty safe bet that if your lady friends hang out with other girls, they will try (even unwittingly), to fuck you up. Sorry girls, you know this one is true.

    Item 8: Get to know your prospective inlaws....even if you have no idea you're going to marry the girl you're banging. If you don't love them like they're your own parents, RUN. Seriously, it's that simple. Run. Look at their relationship - her mother and father's. Look at it hard, because that's you in 25 years....or some variation of it. Your woman will make sure of it, because she's hard wired to.

    Item 9: A woman's beauty is her worst enemy, and her only true servant. Be very afraid of a woman who has relied, or counted on her looks to survive or succeed - for when those looks or your attention to them wanes, she will self-destruct before your eyes. You will come home to find her gone, or on top of your best friend. Again, not to drive a point too fine, but stay away from the 10's. A stripper model does not live to enjoy a 50 year wedding anniversary, and she will not change your diapers when you're old. Believe it or not, that stuff really matters. You, like women, are driven by your nature. If you're always attracted to the worst kind of women, it's not their fault bucko. It's yours....so fight your impulses and go with what's smart not what "feels good".

    Item 10: Lastly, I leave you with this. It's a difficult lesson to be a man. It's a painful, self-sacrificing labor and part of the human condition to be a man. You must accept that much of your life and your ties to women rely on your honor and your good nature. Sadly, most of us choose our mates based on nothing more than a tiny dab of sexual experience and a lot of ignorance about human nature. The women you meet, fall in love with, screw, and hurt, are all human beings with complex pasts, desires and dreams. Treat each woman, no matter who she is, as if she is your best friend's girl. Give her respect, even if you don't choose to engage her in a meaningful way. Understand that she is a daughter, a sister and someone's baby and if she's not good enough to be kind to, then leave her alone. Your dealings with the chicks will come back to haunt you, and each shitty act will be revisited on you, or your children, or your future women. Trust me here...it really happens. Be a good man, a smart man and an observant man, and women will not be a source of pain in your life. Take my word on it.
    "Watch what people are cynical about, and one can often discover what they lack.” -- Gen. George S. Patton

  2. #2
    Atomic Punk edwardv's Avatar
    Join Date
    12.13.01
    Age
    59
    Location
    hanover pennsylvania
    Posts
    10,034
    Favorite VH Album

    diver down
    Favorite VH Song

    drop dead legs
    Last Online

    12.13.17 @ 11:43 AM
    Likes
    4,482
    Liked 2,386 Times in 1,488 Posts


    Premium Member

    Default

    Waiting for Dick Punch comments on this. lol
    EVH 1979: Well, actually it's not much of a vacation, because we run everything ourselves. We design our own album cover, we have to be in the office every day to sign checks - the whole corporation revolves around us. Nothing can be done without our approval. We even have photo approval.

  3. #3
    Baluchitherium
    Join Date
    06.02.09
    Location
    Southern California
    Posts
    4,749
    Favorite VH Album

    Fair Warning
    Favorite VH Song

    Respect my Wind
    Last Online

    12.11.17 @ 09:44 PM
    Likes
    143
    Liked 1,139 Times in 649 Posts

    Default

    Why do I now feel like putting a moonroof in the back of my head?
    "Alcoholism, is like, the only disease you can get yelled at for having" - Mitch
    Hedberg

  4. #4
    Atomic Punk Dave's Dreidel's Avatar
    Join Date
    01.10.05
    Age
    47
    Location
    Kate Upton's Closet
    Posts
    37,878
    Favorite VH Album

    Alex, Dave, Ed and Mike
    Favorite VH Song

    The songs with Ed on them
    Last Online

    12.13.17 @ 12:19 PM
    Likes
    3,505
    Liked 18,128 Times in 8,952 Posts

    Default

    Just pick a woman that swallows, that makes up for a lot of shortfalls.
    Taylor Swift is nice to look at. Adele can sing.

    Emperor Brett - "I can't believe you guys are analyzing song-by-song Van Halen III? What next, analyzing the script of Stroker Ace looking for some shred of Citizen Kane?"

    David Lee Roth did the impossible. He made Van Halen better. Deal with it!

    Preferred pronouns: he/him/his

    Hurricane Halen - Let's all gingery touch our sword tips!!!

    DONATE TO THE LINKS YA CHEAP BASTARDS!!!!

  5. #5
    ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ Number 47's Avatar
    Join Date
    10.08.06
    Posts
    29,819
    Last Online

    12.13.17 @ 12:31 PM
    Likes
    1,878
    Liked 6,828 Times in 3,570 Posts


    Premium Member

    Default

    So... who wrote this?

  6. #6
    Baluchitherium
    Join Date
    06.02.09
    Location
    Southern California
    Posts
    4,749
    Favorite VH Album

    Fair Warning
    Favorite VH Song

    Respect my Wind
    Last Online

    12.11.17 @ 09:44 PM
    Likes
    143
    Liked 1,139 Times in 649 Posts

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by edwardv View Post
    Waiting for Dick Punch comments on this. lol
    Funny, I am eagerly awaiting Dibblekins comments.
    "Alcoholism, is like, the only disease you can get yelled at for having" - Mitch
    Hedberg

  7. #7
    Atomic Punk Raldo's Avatar
    Join Date
    01.11.00
    Location
    Cromwell, CT USA
    Posts
    17,186
    Favorite VH Song

    Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love
    Last Online

    12.13.17 @ 10:30 AM
    Likes
    1,827
    Liked 1,479 Times in 901 Posts

    Default

    Interesting to say the least.
    Remember the Heroes - 9/11/01

    In 2012, the phoenix has risen!!

    "High speed, low drag."

    "Look at all the people here tonight!!!" - 10/5/07, 5/20/08 Mohegan Sun

    Congratulations to Van Halen as part of the Class of 2007 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame!

    Cinco de Cabo @ Foxwoods: "A giant party with live music" - S. Hagar

    got tequila?

    http://keepitaliveforever.com

  8. #8
    Romeo Delight tphitman's Avatar
    Join Date
    03.05.12
    Location
    Atlanta
    Posts
    110
    Favorite VH Album

    Fair Warning
    Favorite VH Song

    Hear About It Later
    Last Online

    12.13.17 @ 11:46 AM
    Likes
    392
    Liked 35 Times in 17 Posts


    Premium Member

    Default

    I don't know if everything in this is true, but I can vouch for the In-laws part. I fell for a girl in high school and she just happened to have really cool parents. My dad told me that was the kind of person you want to marry. 27 years later (24 married and still going strong!) I have to say he was right.

  9. #9
    Forum Frontman It's Mike's Avatar
    Join Date
    03.26.06
    Age
    43
    Location
    Vaughan, Ontario, Canada
    Posts
    34,101
    Favorite VH Album

    like them all, no favourite
    Last Online

    12.13.17 @ 01:03 PM
    Likes
    1,314
    Liked 6,684 Times in 3,707 Posts

    Default

    i agree with a good amount of that list. Most of it falls in the "no shit" category for me though.

  10. #10
    Atomic Punk Dave's Dreidel's Avatar
    Join Date
    01.10.05
    Age
    47
    Location
    Kate Upton's Closet
    Posts
    37,878
    Favorite VH Album

    Alex, Dave, Ed and Mike
    Favorite VH Song

    The songs with Ed on them
    Last Online

    12.13.17 @ 12:19 PM
    Likes
    3,505
    Liked 18,128 Times in 8,952 Posts

    Default

    The in-laws are so damn key.

    I can't imagine trying to be married and not liking her family. I hang out with my father in law all the time, hoping some of his awesomeness will somehow work it's way into me.
    Taylor Swift is nice to look at. Adele can sing.

    Emperor Brett - "I can't believe you guys are analyzing song-by-song Van Halen III? What next, analyzing the script of Stroker Ace looking for some shred of Citizen Kane?"

    David Lee Roth did the impossible. He made Van Halen better. Deal with it!

    Preferred pronouns: he/him/his

    Hurricane Halen - Let's all gingery touch our sword tips!!!

    DONATE TO THE LINKS YA CHEAP BASTARDS!!!!

  11. #11
    Forum Frontman It's Mike's Avatar
    Join Date
    03.26.06
    Age
    43
    Location
    Vaughan, Ontario, Canada
    Posts
    34,101
    Favorite VH Album

    like them all, no favourite
    Last Online

    12.13.17 @ 01:03 PM
    Likes
    1,314
    Liked 6,684 Times in 3,707 Posts

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Dave's Dreidel View Post
    The in-laws are so damn key.

    I can't imagine trying to be married and not liking her family. I hang out with my father in law all the time, hoping some of his awesomeness will somehow work it's way into me.
    yup. I often joked with my wife when we were planning our wedding that it didn't feel like i was marrying her but that like my mom was marrying her mom.

    I can't stress enough how important it is that I get along with her mom and siblings (her dad passed away when she was a kid) and that she gets along with my family. We see some members of our famlies every single day of our lives - if we didn't get along well that would be a personal hell.

    Simply put you will become your parents to a great extent. So if you hate her parents there's a good chance the relationship will turn ugly over time. If you think her parents are great, much better shot you'll be ok. And if a girl you're dating has daddy issues - RUN. I wish i would have followed that advice when i was university.

  12. #12
    Atomic Punk
    Join Date
    11.10.10
    Location
    North Wales, United Kingdom
    Posts
    10,172
    Favorite VH Album

    Love 'em all! (esp. F.U.C.K)
    Favorite VH Song

    The Dream Is Over
    Last Online

    12.04.17 @ 04:15 PM
    Likes
    1,571
    Liked 1,228 Times in 845 Posts

    Default

    I think much of this may well have some basis in truth - but there's an awful lot of generalising taking place.

    For example, there are innumerable reasons as to why a woman (or man) may have "daddy issues", or a problematic relationship with both parents. This doesn't necessarily mean they'll affect her / him for the worst - many people make a concerted effort to react against any negative aspects of their upbringing or whatever genetic predispositions there may be - we do, after all, have the capacity to act on our own volition, with what is known as 'free will'...

    I also take issue with the notion that a man always has to be 'in charge' of any given situation. I think the best, and most successful, relationships are those where both partners recognise each other's strengths and weaknesses, and handle their dealings with one another accordingly. There are times where I like to just relax, take a deep breath, and allow my man to take control - but, equally, there are situations where I am better equipped to handle things, and he is happy to let me do that.

    Basically, I always think it's a bit dangerous - and misleading - for personal hypotheses like the gentleman's quoted to be passed off as absolute fact. Every woman - and every man - is unique...Sometimes we just have to trust our instincts, go with our hearts, and know that things won't always be easy or straightforward. All relationships require a certain amount of effort and compromise for them to work - and it would be a shame to dismiss the 'right' person from one's life, just because they don't meet certain criteria as laid out by self-acclaimed 'experts' pontificating on the internet!
    I'm FEMALE...Deal with it!

    "Whatever you do, wherever you go, there you are..." Edward Van Halen 1986

    "You spend the first part of your life trying to make your mark, and the second part just trying to cover up your tracks"... Weesfreewheelin, 2012

    "Life's too short to stuff a mushroom"... Shirley Conran, 1975

    "You turn if you want to...The LADY is NOT for turning!"...Margaret
    Thatcher, 1980


  13. #13
    Forum Frontman It's Mike's Avatar
    Join Date
    03.26.06
    Age
    43
    Location
    Vaughan, Ontario, Canada
    Posts
    34,101
    Favorite VH Album

    like them all, no favourite
    Last Online

    12.13.17 @ 01:03 PM
    Likes
    1,314
    Liked 6,684 Times in 3,707 Posts

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by dibblekins View Post
    I think much of this may well have some basis in truth - but there's an awful lot of generalising taking place.



    For example, there are innumerable reasons as to why a woman (or man) may have "daddy issues", or a problematic relationship with both parents. This doesn't necessarily mean they'll affect her / him for the worst - many people make a concerted effort to react against any negative aspects of their upbringing or whatever genetic predispositions there may be - we do, after all, have the capacity to act on our own volition, with what is known as 'free will'...



    I also take issue with the notion that a man always has to be 'in charge' of any given situation. I think the best, and most successful, relationships are those where both partners recognise each other's strengths and weaknesses, and handle their dealings with one another accordingly. There are times where I like to just relax, take a deep breath, and allow my man to take control - but, equally, there are situations where I am better equipped to handle things, and he is happy to let me do that.



    Basically, I always think it's a bit dangerous - and misleading - for personal hypotheses like the gentleman's quoted to be passed off as absolute fact. Every woman - and every man - is unique...Sometimes we just have to trust our instincts, go with our hearts, and know that things won't always be easy or straightforward. All relationships require a certain amount of effort and compromise for them to work - and it would be a shame to dismiss the 'right' person from one's life, just because they don't meet certain criteria as laid out by self-acclaimed 'experts' pontificating on the internet!

    I think we all appreciate there are exceptions. But most of these things hold true in most of our lives. Hoping that you're dating the exception to the rule is dangerous.

  14. #14
    Atomic Punk MF5150's Avatar
    Join Date
    06.05.04
    Age
    29
    Location
    Toronto
    Posts
    16,323
    Favorite VH Album

    Balance
    Favorite VH Song

    Seventh Seal/Me Wise Magic
    Last Online

    12.10.17 @ 12:20 PM
    Likes
    295
    Liked 411 Times in 246 Posts

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Number 47 View Post
    So... who wrote this?
    A homosexual.


    Lastly....


    We, by contrast, have sex to purge the evil venom from our balls...


    That's beautiful.
    Last edited by MF5150; 09.04.13 at 04:38 PM.
    My man, when you are fantasizing, don't go for attainable, you can get attainable at the local Applebee's. - Dave's Dreidel

  15. #15
    Atomic Punk
    Join Date
    11.10.10
    Location
    North Wales, United Kingdom
    Posts
    10,172
    Favorite VH Album

    Love 'em all! (esp. F.U.C.K)
    Favorite VH Song

    The Dream Is Over
    Last Online

    12.04.17 @ 04:15 PM
    Likes
    1,571
    Liked 1,228 Times in 845 Posts

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by It's Mike View Post
    I think we all appreciate there are exceptions. But most of these things hold true in most of our lives. Hoping that you're dating the exception to the rule is dangerous.
    I disagree. I don't think that there are any hard and steadfast "rules" where individual human beings and our relationships with them are concerned. Each and every one of us is different. As I've already said, it would be tragic to lose a person who has the potential to be the love of your life because he / she didn't have what some anonymous blogger describes as the 'perfect' relationship with his / her parents, for example.

    We all have faults and flaws - that's what makes us human. Part of the excitement (and challenge) of forming a relationship with another person is discovering what makes them tick; and a healthy, successful relationship is one where we learn to recognise our own failings - and attributes - and those of our partner, and learn to compromise accordingly. Trying to apply such strict (and over-generalised) criteria to the people with whom we may (or may not) get involved, being unrealistic and inflexible in our expectations, and being unwilling to judge a person on their own, individual, merits, is a recipe for disaster - or, at the very least, a sad, lonely existence.

    That's my feeling, anyway!
    I'm FEMALE...Deal with it!

    "Whatever you do, wherever you go, there you are..." Edward Van Halen 1986

    "You spend the first part of your life trying to make your mark, and the second part just trying to cover up your tracks"... Weesfreewheelin, 2012

    "Life's too short to stuff a mushroom"... Shirley Conran, 1975

    "You turn if you want to...The LADY is NOT for turning!"...Margaret
    Thatcher, 1980


 

 

Similar Threads

  1. 'Laundry letters' worth millions
    By ZeoBandit in forum VH Fans Meeting Place (Non-Music)
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 06.05.07, 07:45 PM
  2. Well, You Guys Should Read About My Familie's Dirty Laundry Too...
    By Axxman300 in forum VH Fans Meeting Place (Non-Music)
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: 04.23.07, 10:03 AM
  3. Why Women appreciate Men
    By Tracy in forum VH Fans Meeting Place (Non-Music)
    Replies: 12
    Last Post: 02.26.02, 03:40 PM
  4. Men vs. Women
    By AbeVanHalen in forum VH Fans Meeting Place (Non-Music)
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 06.06.01, 12:39 PM
  5. Women
    By ANGEL4U in forum VH Fans Meeting Place (Non-Music)
    Replies: 13
    Last Post: 02.20.01, 02:56 PM

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •