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  1. #1
    On Fire diamondD's Avatar
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    Here's the actual article that appears in the magazine:

    When it comes to categorizing vocalists, there are singers and there are rock stars. During the early 1980's, nothing defined rock star more than the form-fitting spandex, high-flying kicks and backstage debauchery of Van Halen's David Lee Roth. And while the wrinkles on his face clearly signal his age, when FHM meets Roth outside the bar of NY City's Four Seasons Hotel, his well-toned physique belies his 46 years. So, too, does his energetic performance as a co-headliner with Sammy Hagar on the current "Sans Halen" tour - a gold-spandexed Roth displayed impressive karate skills to kick off the tour in Cuyahoga Falls, OH. And if he speaks the truth, he also continues to indulge in the same brand of extra-curricular activities that made him a legend.

    "People go, 'Oh, back in the day...' Forget back in the day," he says. "Today is far more out of control." Such a statement is all the more dumbfounding coming from a man who claims to have one pleasured five women at the same time. ("Six, including me." he clarifies) and that it was "not unusual to have 50 different gals showing up at lunchtime sound check demanding to give blowjobs."

    Roth served as Van Halen's lead singer for six albums, spanning the self-titled debut in 1978 to 1984 , which was released on New Year's Day. The band took full advantage of the MTV boom that year, releasing wildly popular videos for "Jump, Panama, and Hot For Teacher," all of which helped vault Roth to superstardom. He soon released his Diamond Dave persona in videos for "California Girls" and "Just a Gigolo/I Ain't Got Nobody" both off of his 1985 Crazy From The Heat solo EP, prompting Van Halen to fire its lead singer for delaying the recording of their follow up to 1984. As he knocks back vodka-and-tonics 17 years later, Roth speaks as if a parting never occured.

    "I will always be the voice of Van Halen and I will always tell you that I am," he insists. "The Van Halen music is one hell of a ride on the Loop-O-Plane of culture. And I'm the tour director."

    Rumor has it that Van Halen filmed a lot of backstage shenanigans in the early days. Where are those tapes now?
    I stll have most of them. The stuff we did was quite elaborate - it was like Broadway. We used wedding dresses, haunted-house gory stuff and other costumes to create scenes. Oh, it was a mighty time. It's even more mighty now - you're just not seeing it as much in rock'n'roll because the bands take it so seriously. Their message doesn't attract that elemant. But all those same types of girls are more at play than ever before. Now they're at sporting events and fashion events. Basketball playerss aren't doing anything different from what I was doing when I got started. And have you seen the girl Tiger Woods is squeezing? Start right there, Homes.

    Are you afraid someone's going to get hold of those tapes and put them on the Internet?
    I'm the one character that no one would even blink an eye in surprise. What's the point? There's no controversy to that. You need an element of public embarrassment and humiliation. I don't think those two words have even been in the same sentence with my name.

    R. Kelly is in big trouble over the tape of him that popped up. Have you seen it?
    No, I heard about it. What's it like?

    In the little bit I saw, he's eating a girl's ass -
    Oh, I know her.

    Didn't Tawny Kitaen get her start banging some Van Halen roadie?
    A lot of people got their start by banging somebody from Van Halen. Tawny is the kind of girl you give a fake name to. She's the girl you open up with, "You know, things have been going really good for me lately. Why don't you come over here tonight and fuck up everything I ever dreamed of?" The idea of a groupie that didn't start off as hair-band harlot or Poison/Bon Jovi look alike. The bulk of your groupies are the girl next door, the homecoming queen, the prom queen, the most desirable, unobtainable, pure, unassailed, virgin contribution that an American family can make. Your current supermodels are just taller versions of the homecoming girl in Omaha. What goes on backstage and what keeps me re-enlisting has nothing to do with rubberized hair-band stage sluts. It's the girl next door.

    What is the best place to find these American family contributions?
    Salt Lake City is routinely famous for being completely gladitorial. It's ancient Rome. Religous repression does miracles for backstage festivities. And you should go to Estonia, which was under the Russia thumb until 1992. It's a perfectly clean gene pool. Every person there has blue eyes and blonde hair. And everybody walks because there are no cars, no money. It's out of hand, starting with the gal in the customs shop.

    Would you consider an Osbourne's-style-reality show based show?
    I would do a show like that, but my kids would be thinner. And if you let a camera run free at the Mojo Dojo, you'd have to pixilate a lot more than dog shit.

    Is the Ozzy in the show anything like the Ozzy for whom Van Halen opened a quarter century ago?
    Ozzy's career has been Stevie Wonder in severe turbulance. It has a spiritual twist. Fascinating. He's made it all the way to Homer Simpson. I just hope Ozzy understands what's going on and is full party to it. Usually, that kind of a scenario is abusive. Usually, Homer doesn't know that he's Homer.

    Has it been difficult following Sammy Hagar onstage during this current tour, being that the critics consider him the more polished musician?
    From Sam to Dave is like going from milkshakes to speedballs. I open with Hot For Teacher, the most bombastic, electrifying, over-the-top statement that you can make. What I do onstage is precision and fury.

    So why wasn't former VH lead singer Gary Cherone invited to take part in this tour of former VH front men?
    Gary is currently doing [IMG]The Vagina Monologues. [/IMG] He wasn't the bringer of bad will: he was merely the messenger of the time. It wasn't his fault.

    Is the tour with Hagar a way to exact revenge of Eddie and Alex Van Halen?
    No, revenge in this case is for amateurs. The music that I made with the brothers is part of Americana, more poignantly so than Rockwell paintings. To some people, the lyrics in my songs are more familiar than "My Country Tis of Purple Valley. The only reason you're talking to me is because of those songs. I got more hits than Beethoven. I recognize it and salute it and I march ramrod straight everywhere I go because of it.

    Would you consider a reunion tour with the original band?
    I would do it. I sing those songs now for a living. This band has been offered $150 million to do one tour. From zero to hero and $150 million to play "Jingle Bells" fifteen years after the fact. The downside is that you can't go anywhere without being recognized and can't do anything without it being overheard, which often forces someone to retreat in a dead straight line into a corner. What's the name of the MTV show, how I ruined my life but went through rehab and now I'll spend an hour making excuses? After The Music? Under The Stage?

    It's VH1, Behind The Music
    Whatever, I like my title better. I salute Eddie Van Halen, but when someone starts whining "Well you said that I said..." Get over it. Nobody shot the family pet. Nobody kidnapped a family member. The only time I won't beat on Eddie as a colleague, a contemporary, and an absolute equal is if he's not doing well. Right now, he's not doing well. Not medically, not otherwise. I'm not a bully. I'm an antagonist. There's a difference. What I say is nothing more than "hey batta, hey batta." I joined because of conflict. If I wanted rest and relaxation, I would have joined the Coast Guard.

    Do you suffer from ADD?
    I'm already bored with this question.

    Fair enough. This issue of FHM features our fall fashion special, and as everyone knows, leather pants never go out of style. When did you buy your first pair?
    The first leather pants I ever saw were on the guy from the Doors, and I knew what I had to do for a living- or at least how I had to look while I was doing it. My first leather pants didn't have a lining. Each night they dyed my legs like a Samoan tattoo. Completely black except for my shorts all the way down to my ankles, and it would stay like that for days. It was terrifying. Nobody knew what to make of it.

    With all the jumping around you do onstage, you must have suffered serious swamp ass. Is that what inspired the ass-cheekless pants?
    Good point. But not one I had considered until this very moment.

    Do you stay in touch with groupies from past tours?
    I get all kinds of cards and letters. "Dear Dave, I've been working out really hard. I got married since the last time I saw you, but don't worry" My gals love me.

    Do they know that your penis is insured?
    I made an attempt to get it insured. I asked at a legal meeting that if a piano player can get his fingers insured, and a dancer can get his feet insured.. This was prior to my first tour, and I had high and lofty ambitions. I was already on heightened alert. A story went out that I actually landed a policy with Lloyds of London, people's fertile imaginations being better than reality. But who am I to get in the way of a good rumor?

    Did it get to the point where you were talking money with Lloyd's of London?
    Of course.

    So how much is the old fella worth?
    I should show you a letter from a girl named Holly. It's priceless, Homes.

    [ August 16, 2002, 09:43 PM: Message edited by: diamondD ]

  2. #2
    On Fire diamondD's Avatar
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    There's also a small insert next to the article that allows five VH cover band lead singers to ask Diamond Dave a question of their own:

    Fair Warnings Jason: Why do you look like a stud when those who copy you look gay?
    DLR: My background is Huck Finn, Bruce Lee, and Spider-Man, that antithesis of effiminate. Build a structure like that, and you can wear pink like Elvis.

    Hot For Teacher's Randy: How do you feel about tribute bands copying your act?
    DLR: Imitation is flattering. My style and sound are as readily identifiable as Betty Boop. I arrive at that by thinking like Popeye. I am what I am what I am.

    Atomic Punk's David Lee Ralph: Did you ever have sex with one of your teachers?
    Many, many times. As the Aborigines say, true life is in your dreams. Miss Nelson, 6th grade. Miss Miranda, 10th grade Spanish. I got it bad.

    VH's Steve: Hey Dave, did you ever take time to check out our web site?
    I'm a navigator, not a pilot. I can tell you where to go and why and how soon we got to get there or else we're going to die. You're the one who has to type it in.

    Unchained's Rick: Will you ever refer to Valerie Bertinelli's breast size when bras are thrown on stage?
    Valerie and I are doing a porno called Inappropriately Touched By An Angel . Poor Val's head is full of itinerant color. I don't feel well for her.

    [ August 17, 2002, 07:44 AM: Message edited by: diamondD ]

  3. #3
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    Diamond David Lee Roth is the Hannibal Barca the Great of our times. [img]graemlins/devil.gif[/img]

  4. #4
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    diamond D! - you are a star - thanks a lot!

  5. #5
    On Fire diamondD's Avatar
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    No problem! I would have posted some of the pics but they really aren't anything we haven't seen before.

    I was impressed by Dave's feelings about Ed and how he can't say anything bad about him when he's down. Makes me think they have at least patched some things up.

  6. #6
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    A great read!! [img]graemlins/devil.gif[/img]

  7. #7
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    Another entertaining interview from the "King of Words". I found it interesting how he reacted to the ADD question. [img]graemlins/irked.gif[/img]
    Remember the Heroes - 9/11/01

    In 2012, the phoenix has risen!!

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    Congratulations to Van Halen as part of the Class of 2007 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame!

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  8. #8
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    Not to get all trippy, but reading a Dave interview is like a postmodern stand-up routine.

    Every time he does an interview, he has some new ironic/funny thing planned to say about how he sees the world. He tries REALLY hard to go out of the way to answer the questions via his philosophically-bent jokes. Who does this?! Just crazy old Dave. Cracks me the hell up!

    For instance:

    Is the Ozzy in the show anything like the Ozzy for whom Van Halen opened a quarter century ago?
    Ozzy's career has been Stevie Wonder in severe turbulance. It has a spiritual twist. Fascinating. He's made it all the way to Homer Simpson. I just hope Ozzy understands what's going on and is full party to it. Usually, that kind of a scenario is abusive. Usually, Homer doesn't know that he's Homer.


    A lot of different angles to the humor in that. Are you laughing at the Homer Simpson text? Are you laughing at the Ozzy Osborne comparison to Homer? Are you laughing at Dave for not really answering the question? Is Dave laughing at you for being frustrated at not really answering the question?

    The genius of Dave, though, is that he's so freakishly conscious of all that shit all the time. He's a character in a Hunter S. Thompson novel, but also the narrator, writer, and critic.

    Maybe it's cause he's crazy, maybe it's cause he's smart, maybe it's cause he's on a coke binge. I don't care. It's art -it's [img]graemlins/thumb.gif[/img] genius.

    [ August 19, 2002, 10:27 AM: Message edited by: Marion Barry ]

  9. #9
    Hang 'Em High MAX's Avatar
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    Killer read! Dave is still the King! [img]graemlins/bounce.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/devil.gif[/img]
    EAT US AND SMILE!!!!

    "Please don't take my teddy bear... Please!!!" - diamondsgirl's Oscar nominated dramatic scene for best actress of 2007

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  10. #10
    Baluchitherium dirtymovies's Avatar
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    Classic Dave! We need that backstage footage released!

  11. #11
    Beloved Glenn's Avatar
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    bump [img]smile.gif[/img]

  12. #12
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    Hilarious! He should have his own show.

  13. #13
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    Originally posted by diamondD:
    There's also a small insert next to the article that allows five VH cover band lead singers to ask Diamond Dave a question of their own:

    Fair Warnings Jason: Why do you look like a stud when those who copy you look gay?
    DLR: My background is Huck Finn, Bruce Lee, and Spider-Man, that antithesis of effiminate. Build a structure like that, and you can wear pink like Elvis.

    Hot For Teacher's Randy: How do you feel about tribute bands copying your act?
    DLR: Imitation is flattering. My style and sound are as readily identifiable as Betty Boop. I arrive at that by thinking like Popeye. I am what I am what I am.

    Atomic Punk's David Lee Ralph: Did you ever have sex with one of your teachers?
    Many, many times. As the Aborigines say, true life is in your dreams. Miss Nelson, 6th grade. Miss Miranda, 10th grade Spanish. I got it bad.

    VH's Steve: Hey Dave, did you ever take time to check out our web site?
    I'm a navigator, not a pilot. I can tell you where to go and why and how soon we got to get there or else we're going to die. You're the one who has to type it in.

    Unchained's Rick: Will you ever refer to Valerie Bertinelli's breast size when bras are thrown on stage?
    Valerie and I are doing a porno called Inappropriately Touched By An Angel . Poor Val's head is full of itinerant color. I don't feel well for her.
    Dave rules! Those quotes are great!
    From 3-13 to 10-6 and NFC South Champs.....go Saints!

    My Hurricane Katrina pics

  14. #14
    Sinner's Swing! el_jalepeno's Avatar
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    Awesome article. How could you not love this guy??? We have all grown older, and some even wiser (and wider!) DiamondD, thanks for the Diamond Dave. [img]graemlins/thumb.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/thumb.gif[/img]

  15. #15
    Imperial Fascist Overlord Down In Flames's Avatar
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    Would you consider an Osbourne's-style-reality show based show?
    I would do a show like that, but my kids would be thinner. And if you let a camera run free at the Mojo Dojo, you'd have to pixilate a lot more than dog shit.

    Is the Ozzy in the show anything like the Ozzy for whom Van Halen opened a quarter century ago?
    Ozzy's career has been Stevie Wonder in severe turbulance. It has a spiritual twist. Fascinating. He's made it all the way to Homer Simpson. I just hope Ozzy understands what's going on and is full party to it. Usually, that kind of a scenario is abusive. Usually, Homer doesn't know that he's Homer.
    From "Stevie Wonder in severe turbulance" to "Homer Simpson" in 6 seconds flat.

    That's so Dave. LOL
    http://www.vhlinks.com/vbforums/images/avatars/michael3.jpg

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