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  1. #1
    Test5150
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    Thanks to Rex Jackson for dredging this up and posting it at yahoogroups:

    http://pitchforkmedia.com/top/solos/index3.shtml

    From "50 Worst Guitar Solos of the Millennium "

    27. "Sucker in a 3-Piece" by Van Halen
    Soloist: Eddie Van Halen
    Album: OU812
    Year: 1988

    Sure, ol' Eddie has had his moments-- he flaunts his nimble fingertips on early VH instrumentals like "Cathedral" and "Eruption." Yet he's probably one of the worst group players in history. To anyone whose higher brain functions have developed beyond a sixth grade level, these aforementioned instrumentals must seem like empty, childish pleas for attention. Eddie is all about showy technique that elicits a lot of "Wow, dude's" from hyperactive, misguided suburban adolescents. But at least this kind of technically-obsessive masturbation was somewhat original for its time. On "Sucker in a 3-Piece" Eddie relies on hyperbolic whammy-bar hijinks without really "playing" much of anything. Unable to break out of the stylistic prison he locked himself in years before, he's seen here as just another aging rock virtuoso making stale rock- god gestures on yet another incredibly forgettable Van Halen album.

    [img]graemlins/irked.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/irked.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/irked.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/irked.gif[/img]

  2. #2
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    12.31.69 @ 04:00 PM
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    Well a guy who has that much negativity against EVH is probably so fucking JEALOUS of his abilities and I'm sure he'd die to be one-tenth of the musician Eddie is.

    That being said, OU812 was a horrible album and it's pretty sad that someone of Eddie's talent put out such crap. And what's even sadder is that we know Eddie could be rocking the world again if his ego wasn't so damn big. What a waste.

  3. #3
    Damage your reputation seenbad's Avatar
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    11.30.17 @ 06:15 PM
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    Donor

    wow. whatever. I always thought that solo kicked ass. lol. I have the whole thing memorized note for note and just played it in my head....I oughtta know.
    sheepa latta peepah dabba looka foh a moopy

    Gunter glieben glauchen globen

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    12.31.69 @ 04:00 PM
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    To anyone whose higher brain functions have developed beyond a sixth grade level, these aforementioned instrumentals must seem like empty, childish pleas for attention. Eddie is all about showy technique that elicits a lot of "Wow, dude's" from hyperactive, misguided suburban adolescents. But at least this kind of technically-obsessive masturbation was somewhat original for its time. On "Sucker in a 3-Piece" Eddie relies on hyperbolic whammy-bar hijinks without really "playing" much of anything.

    ....hmmmmm I wonder how many people with a mere sixth grade education can understand and identify with all of what was stated here?
    "What is understood don't need to be discussed. 'Aint that right Edward?'" Sammy Hagar, Right Here Right Now

  5. #5
    Atomic Punk FORD's Avatar
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    10.22.17 @ 08:55 PM
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    OU812 was the worst Van Hagar album, and Sucker in a Panama ripoff was a complete fucking waste of time.

    However, calling Cathedral and Eruption "empty, childish pleas for attention", is beyond ridiculous [img]graemlins/irked.gif[/img]
    Eat Us And Smile

    Welcome back, Van HALEN!!!!

    ...It's the BAND and Dave is really the cat that can front VH. He sang his ASS off and was really cool. No cheese here guys, this is filet Mignon! - Steve Lukather's comment after witnessing a Van HALEN 2007 rehearsal

    "What then is this bleating of sheep in my ears?"- 1 Samuel 15:14

  6. #6
    The Dude Dan Halen's Avatar
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    Donor

    What a dumbass. He's jealous for sure. [img]graemlins/irked.gif[/img] I think the solo on Sucker is great.
    "It's so damn hot... milk was a bad choice." --Ron Burgundy, Anchorman

  7. #7
    Good Enough Wolfie3's Avatar
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    11.28.17 @ 09:02 PM
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    Please ... I certainly don't love OU812, but that review is pure absurdity.
    "One of the reasons I left Sabbath was because Van Halen was blowing us off the stage every night. It was embarrassing." -Ozzy Osbourne

    "When I first heard "Runnin' With The Devil" on the radio, I was stunned and found myself dizzy, walking through my high school hallways thinking, "What was THAT?!"
    Eddie Van Halen was so innovative and kicked so much ass, and David Lee Roth was for a time indisputably the Greatest Man in America.
    If aliens came down and challenged us to a Battle of the Bands to decide the fate of Planet Earth, I would feel very confident putting early Van Halen forward as our champion." -Tom Morello

    "A lot of bands mature, which means they get square; they start delivering messages. Hey, you got a message, use Western Union." -DLR

  8. #8
    Eruption
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    12.31.69 @ 04:00 PM
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    Originally posted by seenbad:
    wow. whatever. I always thought that solo kicked ass. lol. I have the whole thing memorized note for note and just played it in my head....I oughtta know.
    i also thought it was a great solo, the guy just don't know what the fuck he is talking about.
    van halen shall return. what you think is nothing might be something after all.

  9. #9
    Baluchitherium Scott's Avatar
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    12.14.17 @ 09:52 AM
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    Premium Member
    Ok - lets get something straight here.

    Edward Van Halen has got to be the WORST public relations person in the world. However - there is not one person who can rip on his guitar work. This person needs to put the bong down.
    Winners come and go; legends are forever.

  10. #10
    Atomic Punk Eddymon's Avatar
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    12.14.17 @ 12:52 PM
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    Does Poison have 50 songs?

    If so then I'd say all 50 of those because CC Deville sucks. [img]graemlins/thumb.gif[/img]
    'Old Van Halen, when I was in it-classic Van Halen-makes you wanna drink, dance and screw, right? And the new Van Halen encourages you to drink milk, drive a Nissan and have a relationship.' - David Lee Roth.

  11. #11
    On Fire
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    12.31.69 @ 04:00 PM
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    who is this guy kidding...he rips on Holdsworth, Trower, Clapton, Jeff Beck, Santana, Schon, Cliff Burton, Jimmy Page, David Gilmour. in his introduction he says he isn't even going to mention Vai, Malmsteen, and i quote Mr.Michael Sandlin staff writer for pitchforkmedia.com:

    "What would possess us to compile the worst guitar solos in history? I mean, come on, it's no great feat to list the best guitar solos ever. Just put Hendrix, Page, Clapton, and Gilmour in the Top 10 and everyone's happy. It's obscuring reality somewhat, but it's convenient.

    The worst guitar solos, on the other hand, don't get talked about much. I know I left out plenty of deserving guitar dudes on this list (there's a lot of hammered shit out there, y'know). I took care to exclude bozos like Yngwie Malmsteen, Steve Vai, and John McLaughlin because, frankly, their styles seem to have less to do with pure rock-n-roll than that of say, Eddie Van Halen. Anyway, it's a good bet that some of you will consider some or all of these solos the best of all time. For those about to sulk, we at Pitchfork salute you.

    ...i mean come on, i'd like to know who the writer of this article listens to

    [ March 23, 2002 at 06:54 AM: Message edited by: Mark Van Halen ]</p>
    Van Halen kicks ass!

  12. #12
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    12.31.69 @ 04:00 PM
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    Originally posted by FORD:
    OU812 was the worst Van Hagar album, and Sucker in a Panama ripoff was a complete fucking waste of time.

    However, calling Cathedral and Eruption "empty, childish pleas for attention", is beyond ridiculous [img]graemlins/irked.gif[/img]
    I agree.

    Listen to Eruption/Cathedral from the Home Ground boot and tell me that that's empty. That has to be my all-time favorite Eddie solo.

  13. #13
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    06.16.05 @ 08:22 AM
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    2. "Free Bird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd
    Soloist: Gary Rossington, Ed King, Allen Collins
    Album: Pronounced Leh-Nerd Skin-Nerd
    Year: 1973

    Unless you're Forrest Gump, this isn't much of a surprise. This impotent three- pronged hillbilly guitar attack is exhausting to say the least. "Well, damn, bitch! They fingers bled on that thar solo," Junior Samples says. Well, I slammed my fingers in a car door when I was seven. They bled. That wasn't too bright, and neither is the soloing on one of the most revered rock compositions in history. For a solo that's supposed to be akin to a spontaneous "backyard jam," it sounds forced and phlegmatic as hell. A couple of years before, Neil Young (Skynyrd's arch enemy) recorded the ideal blueprint for long- playing guitar sparring matches on "Down by the River." The more you hear "Free Bird" the more evident it becomes how bereft of ideas these bloated, attitudinal hickoids really were.

    13. "No One Like You" by the Scorpions
    Soloist: Matthias Jabs
    Album: Blackout
    Year: 1982

    Leave it to Kraut cheeseballs to engineer one of the most widely- recognizable '80s pop-metal songs-- one of those, along with Quiet Riot's "Cum On Feel the Noize" that you probably hummed between classes in Junior High. The solo begins as a slow, bluesy buildup, bends and quivers for a bit (a la Eddie Money's "Shakin'"), progresses into a variation of the repulsive main harmonized riff... then, Achtung! Der intense German pseudo- shred metal holocaust to finish.

    FUCK HIM It is clear he is a shit head.

  14. #14
    Atomic Punk I Coulda Hada VH's Avatar
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    12.14.17 @ 03:02 PM
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    Go to that sight and check out some of their other lists. Typical musical "elitists". You know the types. "If 9 people like it, then it's cutting-edge and hip. If 10 people like it, then it's commercial and it sucks."

    That guy probably thiks that Kurt Cobain was a great guitarist. Cobain wrote some great songs, but I think he almost went out of his way to play lame "solos." Just another way of showing his disdain for the "hair metal" that Nirvana and the grunge bands destroyed in the early 90's.
    "It's so lonely at the top because it's so crowded at the bottom" - Diamond David Lee Roth

    "If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you"

    "Be careful what you wish for because you just might lose what you already have"

    "Women and Children First ... The REAL Van Halen III"

  15. #15
    Baluchitherium JWS_5150's Avatar
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    05.18.09 @ 11:19 PM
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    Donor

    Wow, what a moron. He probably thinks those toneless guitar interludes in Limp Bizkit songs are the "greatest solos of all time"
    I'm one of those crazies on your block.

    writing

 

 

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