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  1. #1
    Atomic Punk LLFHS's Avatar
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    07.30.17 @ 08:59 PM
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    Default When to play nice

    I’m conflicted as hell over a situation that I kind of saw coming ever since I entered into my current relationship. My GF has two teenage kids from a previous relationship that ended about 15 years ago. One of them, her daughter – 16 – lives with us. Her son – 18 – lives with his father.

    It’s not easy to get the son to do much of anything, but my GF loves and misses him deeply. She doesn’t get to see him nearly as often as she’d like. He’s rather withdrawn and very much a loner. He prefers to do his own thing – bottom line. When he does join us for any activities, it’s often a surprise.

    We made the decision to host Thanksgiving this year in our new house for much of her family – the ones we know won’t cause trouble anyway. We talked about the details, what we’d be serving, all that jazz. Tonight I saw her composing an invite over Facebook and couldn’t help but notice that among the invited was the father of her two kids.

    My jaw kinda dropped. To understand said jaw droppage….a brief history.

    About the time their relationship ended 15 years ago was about the time he threatened to kill her. I believe the term "I can make it look like an accident" was even used.

    As you can imagine, that kinda kills the romance, and she wound up raising the two kids on her own until about 4 years ago when the son decided he wanted to live with his dad again. Neither of them knows about the threat he made against their mother to this day.

    She’s also shared with me his initial reluctance to even accept their daughter as his own when she was born, choosing to ignore her for much of her life. It’s only been recently (since about the time I came into the picture) that he’s suddenly become “daddy” to her.

    To sum up….she wants both of her kids there for Thanksgiving, even if it means inviting their father as well. As you might imagine, my blood boils over the idea of this man walking about my house, eating my food, all while his past sins are paved over now that he’s suddenly realized he has TWO kids.

    I’ve let my GF know that I have a giant problem with this, and that I fully appreciate that she’d like to have both of her kids there. She wants to extend the gesture for their benefit. She wants me to understand. I don’t. She feels that enough time has passed to where he's finally seeing the big picture.

    Problem is with my limited perspective - an outsider's eyes - I can’t ignore what I know about him, what he’s done and said. All information unknown to the children, and sworn to secrecy.

    I told her I need time to think this over.



    I ask you….could you play nice for a few hours while someone who didn’t deserve your hospitality enjoyed it?
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  2. #2
    Super Duper Frontman track 5's Avatar
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    12.03.17 @ 09:00 PM
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    Default

    Sure man. You can play nicey nice for a Thanksgiving meal. I wouldn't, but you could. If the meal is at your house that you pay the bills on, then fuck no. That fucker wouldn't be welcomed in my house. But, the real world is fucked up and you have to do what you need to do in your situation. You could make the dude eat at the kids table, blast some Van Halen and let the prick know that it's your house your rules. Out.
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  3. #3
    Good Enough
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    05.15.16 @ 10:48 PM
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    Default

    Treating him well is the best option, in my opinion. Here's why: he'll see the mother of his two kids is with a great guy who treats his kids very well - like family. This will result one of two ways - it'll kick his ass enough to know he needs to man up and actually be a parent; or it will drive him away, probably for good.

    Either case, you win. Give him a drumstick, wish him good cheer and watch this turn into a positive.

  4. #4
    Baluchitherium
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    11.25.17 @ 04:30 AM
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ToddE View Post
    Treating him well is the best option, in my opinion. Here's why: he'll see the mother of his two kids is with a great guy who treats his kids very well - like family. This will result one of two ways - it'll kick his ass enough to know he needs to man up and actually be a parent; or it will drive him away, probably for good.

    Either case, you win. Give him a drumstick, wish him good cheer and watch this turn into a positive.
    Hear hear! Kill him with kindness...and make it look like an accident.

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  5. #5
    Hang 'Em High sickman's Avatar
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    12.13.17 @ 03:10 AM
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    Default

    I think you can play nice for the sake of your new GF wanting to have her 2 kids together for Thanksgiving. I'm sure your blood will be boiling but on the other hand if she is willing to let the past be the past then so should you. Women are wired differently and have the ability to forgive and sometimes hold a lifetime grudge. I have in laws where while the children were growing up the dad was a horrible alcoholic, very violent and even put a gun to his wife's head and threatened to kill her. They eventually divorced and for the most part do not have contact with one another except during holidays or birthdays for their grandchildren. Believe it or not their 5 children don't hold much of a grudge against their father.
    Basically LLFHS, if she is willing to let the past go for a few hours than you should too.
    I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

  6. #6
    Good Enough Ace Ventura's Avatar
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    01.01.13 @ 04:06 PM
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    LL, let me first say that you are a good man for even taking the time to think about this. That being said, my reaction is no fucking way. Here’s why… I have a very similar situation. My girlfriend has two sons from her previous marriage. And they live with us about 95% of the time. Their father is a fucking low life who did not work or do anything, and I mean ANYTHING to support them. Emotionally, financially NOTHING. In fact, he works now and STILL does not pay child support! How he gets away with that, I still fail to understand but I digress… Recently, my girlfriend tells me that the boys want their Dad to come over a go trick or treating with us on Sunday night and am I “ok with that”? I told her straight out NO. I will not be a part of it. And again, let me explain… I feel that I have done FAR more for those kids than their father could ever possibly do. And I don’t give a shit about the financial stuff. That’s a given. It’s the emotional support that is the most important issue. Now all of the sudden he is going to swoop in and play “Dad” for a day and everything is fine? I don’t fucking think so. This “man” made a conscious decision to walk away from these kids and all but wash his hands of them. Now he expects to waltz back into their lives and be the hero? I’m expected to welcome this deadbeat dad into my home and expose the boys to further disappointment and heartache again? No way. No fucking way.

    Low Life, I say stick to your guns in the name of emotional concern for the kids. That asshole has already done enough damage. Don’t allow the possibility for more. Just my opinion, ‘bro….
    "It doesn't mean that much to me to mean that much to you..." -Neil Young

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  7. #7
    Gird your loins Daisy Hill's Avatar
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    12.14.17 @ 09:34 AM
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    Default

    heard about a study they did with chimps where the chimps are fed and held by a robotic type thing. some of the robotic things are "bad mamas" and they have spikes (not sharp,but still uncomfortable) or violently shake the little one


    after the spikes retract and/or the shaking stops, the little ones still go back to even the bad robot mamas for nurturing...they just can't help themselves


    What I'm saying is the best way to deal with this is be the one who teaches by example.....they are old enough to understand that when you are taking the high road, that you are doing this for them, because their feelings matter to you.

    You don't have to approve of the guys past behaviour, but he is their father and he will forever be a part of them

    frame it up in your mind that you are doing this for your GF and her kids, don't even give any thought to the guy, or everyone will sense the bitterness

    and if you're lucky, the schmuck won't even show up...that's how its happened time and again in my family

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  8. #8
    Forum Frontman It's Mike's Avatar
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    12.14.17 @ 11:08 AM
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    Default

    the bigger concern I'd have is the GF inviting him before discussing this with you.

    Sometimes you have to swallow some pride in situations like this but it really depends on your relationship with the GF and how important you think this is to her.

    This is why I never dated someone who had kids - too many of these no-win situations. Good luck on this.

  9. #9
    Atomic Punk
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    12.11.17 @ 04:37 PM
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Metal Marc View Post
    Hear hear! Kill him with kindness...and make it look like an accident.
    "Watch what people are cynical about, and one can often discover what they lack.” -- Gen. George S. Patton

  10. #10
    Forum Frontman Double Down's Avatar
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    11.17.17 @ 12:11 PM
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    Default

    Unfortunately it's not about what's right or wrong here based on principle. Of course you're right in not wanting the guy in your house. But if you feel your girlfriend is worth keeping then you're gonna have to succumb now and then against your will. This is one of those times.


    If she wants him to be there for the kids sake then I think you're fighting a fight you won't win. If you push for your way on this one and get it then she may actually resent you for it. Sorry, dude, I just think you need to take the high road on this one. It ain't right, but I think it's the reality of the situation.
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  11. #11
    Atomic Punk LLFHS's Avatar
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    07.30.17 @ 08:59 PM
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    Quote Originally Posted by It's Mike View Post
    the bigger concern I'd have is the GF inviting him before discussing this with you.
    This was the major thing with me as well. I talked to her before she could send the message out. Was wondering if she thought about seeing the look on my face on turkey day when shitlips come waltzing in thru my front door. Don't think she was planning that far ahead.
    LowLifeFlatHeadScum

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  12. #12
    ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ Number 47's Avatar
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    12.14.17 @ 09:43 AM
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    Sounds like if the guy does except the invite, he will be totally out numbered by folks that don't approve of him anyway. Other than trying to make his son happy... I can't see why he would even put himself in such a situation.

    Reminds me of all the reasons why holidays suck so much... and they're just getting started.

  13. #13
    Atomic Punk ziggysmalls's Avatar
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    12.14.17 @ 08:08 AM
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    Going to be in the minority here on this one since I can relate a little bit to what you going through. I have been involved in a relationship with a woman for a year that has kids. Her two biological kids with her ex are 19 and 21. Her step kid is 25 and is front her ex and another woman that he met prior to her. However she loves him like her own.

    Her ex cheated on her and while he never threatened to kill her, he did hit her a few times. Her relationship with him is that he is the father of her kids. Nothing less and nothing more. They will talk on the phone about issues with their kids but that is the extent of it. They don't share holiday's together nor birthday's for the kids. Now eventually there will be a wedding or a birth and sure, they will have to get together for that but Thanksgiving is definitely not a shared holiday regardless of their kid's wishes.

    That being said it's not uncommon for ex's to be invited over if EVERYBODY is cool with it. YOU are the one who is supposed to make a gesture to her ex or any other ex's if there are holiday's involved. She sure shouldn't make an assumption that you are perfectly fine with this until talking to you. She is asking you to show respect to him while she is showing none to you. At the very least you both should have talked about this prior to any invites being sent out.

    So IMO, you shouldn't cave in to this because doing so will set precedent for future gatherings. This Thanksgiving will lead to this Christmas and then it will be Easter followed by other holidays. If you don't nip this in the bud then you may have to put up with this and other incidents moving forward.

    Now I understand you don't want to rock the boat but it's your house, your rules. Considering that she didn't give you any fair warning, I don't think you are being unreasonable, death threats aside.

    However if you have to do it then suck it up and play nice. Just expect to do that every year for future gatherings.

  14. #14
    carpe damn diem billy007's Avatar
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    12.14.17 @ 09:16 AM
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    On the one hand, I'd like to think maybe enough time has passed and the guy's a changed man and you should suck it up for the good of the others.

    On the other hand, I'm not sure what I'd do if my wife invited the waste of sperm that created her second child to our house. I don't think that would ever happen, but then I don't think I'd really beat him to death with a shovel, either! You just never know!

  15. #15
    Baluchitherium loveevhsince79's Avatar
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    10.23.15 @ 04:49 PM
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    LL - you are a bigger man and being there as an example of how "real" men behave is worth every minute of biting your tongue for a few hours to let the asswipe into your home. Probably even more for the daughter than the son. She needs to have an example of what kind of guy she needs to choose in the future. That "real" men are able to put aside their desires if it's important to the person they love. Lead by example my friend because she is watching you.
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