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  1. #1
    Baluchitherium Duke's Avatar
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    07.10.17 @ 08:25 AM
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    Default It's Gourd Season

    IT'S DECORATIVE
    GOURD SEASON, MOTHERFUCKERS.
    BY COLIN NISSAN

    - - - -

    I don't know about you, but I can't wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I'm about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it's gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There's a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.

    I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. Then I'm going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, "Aren't those gourds straining your neck?" And I'm just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, "It's fall, fuckfaces. You're either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you're not."

    Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing an all-gourd reenactment of an episode of Diff'rent Strokes—specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation. Well, this shit just got real, didn't it? Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: they're both extremely fucking real. Sorry if that's upsetting, but I'm not doing you any favors by shielding you from this anymore.

    The next thing I'm going to do is carve one of the longer gourds into a perfect replica of the Mayflower as a shout-out to our Pilgrim forefathers. Then I'm going to do lines of blow off its hull with a hooker. Why? Because it's not summer, it's not winter, and it's not spring. Grab a calendar and pull your fucking heads out of your asses; it's fall, fuckers.

    Have you ever been in an Italian deli with salamis hanging from their ceiling? Well then you're going to fucking love my house. Just look where you're walking or you'll get KO'd by the gauntlet of misshapen, zucchini-descendant bastards swinging from above. And when you do, you're going to hear a very loud, very stereotypical Italian laugh coming from me. Consider yourself warned.

    For now, all I plan to do is to throw on a flannel shirt, some tattered overalls, and a floppy fucking hat and stand in the middle of a cornfield for a few days. The first crow that tries to land on me is going to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back to summer.

    Welcome to autumn, fuckheads!

    - - - -
    The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.
    -H.S.T

    This next part could really confuse things. Let's stay focused. #asis

  2. #2
    Sinner's Swing!
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    11.16.12 @ 10:28 PM
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    Quote Originally Posted by Duke View Post
    IT'S DECORATIVE
    GOURD SEASON, MOTHERFUCKERS.
    BY COLIN NISSAN

    - - - -

    I don't know about you, but I can't wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I'm about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it's gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There's a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.

    I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. Then I'm going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, "Aren't those gourds straining your neck?" And I'm just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, "It's fall, fuckfaces. You're either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you're not."

    Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing an all-gourd reenactment of an episode of Diff'rent Strokes—specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation. Well, this shit just got real, didn't it? Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: they're both extremely fucking real. Sorry if that's upsetting, but I'm not doing you any favors by shielding you from this anymore.

    The next thing I'm going to do is carve one of the longer gourds into a perfect replica of the Mayflower as a shout-out to our Pilgrim forefathers. Then I'm going to do lines of blow off its hull with a hooker. Why? Because it's not summer, it's not winter, and it's not spring. Grab a calendar and pull your fucking heads out of your asses; it's fall, fuckers.

    Have you ever been in an Italian deli with salamis hanging from their ceiling? Well then you're going to fucking love my house. Just look where you're walking or you'll get KO'd by the gauntlet of misshapen, zucchini-descendant bastards swinging from above. And when you do, you're going to hear a very loud, very stereotypical Italian laugh coming from me. Consider yourself warned.

    For now, all I plan to do is to throw on a flannel shirt, some tattered overalls, and a floppy fucking hat and stand in the middle of a cornfield for a few days. The first crow that tries to land on me is going to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back to summer.

    Welcome to autumn, fuckheads!

    - - - -
    "That shit is going to look so seasonal."

    LMAO!!!

    I LOVE this. But I can't help but feel like he's making fun of us middle-aged, suburban housewives. You know, kinda like how we all have to go to Michael's and get our cinnamon-scented pinecones every December. It's fucking intense, man!!
    .

    .
    "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the truly great make you feel that you, too, can become great." - Mark Twain

    "Edward?.....thank ya." ~ Could This Be Magic

    "The attitude is we live and let live. This is actually an amazing change in values in a rather short time and it's an example of freedom from religion."
    ~ Thomas Wolfe

  3. #3
    Gird your loins Daisy Hill's Avatar
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    12.09.17 @ 08:36 PM
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by eden View Post
    "That shit is going to look so seasonal."

    LMAO!!!

    I LOVE this. But I can't help but feel like he's making fun of us middle-aged, suburban housewives. You know, kinda like how we all have to go to Michael's and get our cinnamon-scented pinecones every December. It's fucking intense, man!!
    for the cinnamon pine cones..... Cinnamon pine cones represent what would happen in a perfect world ...cinnabons would grow on trees

    but really...what would Christmas be without a bunch of them right on the foyer table.


    although I once made the mistake of hanging several dozen of the big ones on my christmas tree along with candy canes....smelled wonderful at first.....cinnamon. piney, minty...that's the freaking Christmassiest! ..then it got so strong my eyes were watering and the scent was so strong I could taste it ....so I had to open the windows ...in December...in OHIO... in order to have enough fresh air to pluck the stinking things off


    Christmas cinnamon pine cone overdose...there is no rehab center for that

    survivor of the Bowling Green Massacre 9-3-2016 BGSU 10 OSU 77

    She was warned. She was given an explanation. Nevertheless, she persisted.

  4. #4
    Sinner's Swing!
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    11.16.12 @ 10:28 PM
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    Quote Originally Posted by Daisy Hill View Post
    for the cinnamon pine cones..... Cinnamon pine cones represent what would happen in a perfect world ...cinnabons would grow on trees

    but really...what would Christmas be without a bunch of them right on the foyer table.


    although I once made the mistake of hanging several dozen of the big ones on my christmas tree along with candy canes....smelled wonderful at first.....cinnamon. piney, minty...that's the freaking Christmassiest! ..then it got so strong my eyes were watering and the scent was so strong I could taste it ....so I had to open the windows ...in December...in OHIO... in order to have enough fresh air to pluck the stinking things off


    Christmas cinnamon pine cone overdose...there is no rehab center for that
    Aargh, my eyes are burning just thinking of it!!!

    You know what else I have to do every Christmas.....push cloves into oranges, and make decorative designs. I remember when my stepson was a teenager, and he decided one year to tell me in a most matter-of-fact tone: "You know, those don't smell good."
    WTF??!! So I said, "Uh, yah they DO." And he's all like, "No, they DON'T." And it went on like that for a couple of hours. Wow, it got ugly.

    Haven't spoken to him since.
    .

    .
    "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the truly great make you feel that you, too, can become great." - Mark Twain

    "Edward?.....thank ya." ~ Could This Be Magic

    "The attitude is we live and let live. This is actually an amazing change in values in a rather short time and it's an example of freedom from religion."
    ~ Thomas Wolfe

 

 

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