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  1. #1
    Atomic Punk chefcraig's Avatar
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    Default The Best Craigslist Personal Ad...Ever. "To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me..."

    I don't really care if this is legitimate or not, the sentiment expressed is nothing short of perfect, given the standards of behavior displayed in today's society.

    Craigslist: To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last

    Posted to Craig’s List / Personals:

    To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 A M EST. I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

    First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment, I didn’t expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head … isn’t it! I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse walking bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

    After I called your mother, or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people’s in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in you r wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink “pimp mobile” that was parked at the curb … after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car.

    Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what’s going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.). In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you … but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you’ve chosen to pursue in life.
    Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

    Thoughtfully yours,
    Bill
    P.S. Remember this motto…An armed society makes for a more civil society!


    http://deathby1000papercuts.com/2009...t-before-last/
    "The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man."
    George Bernard Shaw

  2. #2
    Unchained 5150jeff's Avatar
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    Michigan
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    I'm the one
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    01.06.11 @ 05:09 PM
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    LMFAO!

  3. #3
    Atomic Punk
    Join Date
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    11,883
    Favorite VH Album

    Van Halen II/OU812
    Favorite VH Song

    Good Enough/Little Guitars
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    06.25.15 @ 09:06 AM
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    Default

    Fahcking PRICELESS
    "I respect that youre passionate about this but what your saying is complete idiocy..." - MF5150 on McDonald's "preying" on young kids.

    "He was born a human, he's a horse's ass by proxy." - It's Mike on Eddymon.

  4. #4
    Sinner's Swing! Jesus H Christ's Avatar
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    05.20.07
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    Boston
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    Favorite VH Album

    Van Halen II
    Favorite VH Song

    Outta Love Again
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    12.13.17 @ 09:04 PM
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    Default

    What a heartwarming letter.
    "The less I needed, the better I felt." ~ Charles Bukowski.

  5. #5
    Forum Frontman It's Mike's Avatar
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    03.26.06
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    Vaughan, Ontario, Canada
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    like them all, no favourite
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    12.13.17 @ 09:22 PM
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    Default

    that's great, though i wish he would have just shot the prick. One less criminal in the world makes for a better world.

  6. #6
    Sinner's Swing! Darkstar's Avatar
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    01.04.00
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    Fair Warning
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    Too Many!
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    12.04.14 @ 11:23 PM
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    Default

    Now that's what I call justice in its purest form!!!
    Love should NOT be work, it should be as easy as breathing Dave's Dreidel

    My god, our government has less secrets than Van Halen. Emperor Brett

    I'm a Democrat and an Atheist, but I've yet to receive my ticket to Hell. Is this something I call Live Nation about or what? JakeK21

    I feel it takes far more energy to hate than love. Well outside of Obamacare, How Many Say I and Heineken beer. ziggysmalls

  7. #7
    Hang 'Em High jetguy5150's Avatar
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    04.19.04
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    Burlington, On, Canada, Earth
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    F.U.C.K. 1984
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    Feels So Good (deal with it...
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    12.13.17 @ 09:21 AM
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    That is some funny shit right there. Since we are on the chefCraigslist topic...a guy at work found this nugget. This made me laugh my ass off. Basically this woman is looking for someone to clean her house for her.

    http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/oak/w4m/1353239056.html

    toronto craigslist > oakville > personals > women seeking men
    please flag with care:


    Alpha Female seeking Submissive Male - 42 (GTA)
    Date: 2009-09-01, 12:26PM EDT
    Reply To This Post

    Owned Experienced Dominant BBW female but not a Domme seeks a submissive male for the labour day weekend. You must enjoy and take pride in domestic duties in the home as well as larger tasks such as cleaning out the garage and the basement. I am seeking a submiss who seeks to please a dominant female in the home and in her bed and ask he in turn asks for nothing in return but appreciates when it is bestowed on him. One who will accept the consequences of his performance if they do not meet the standards required, If you enjoy pleasure and pain then perhaps you will be invited once again. Please send detailed info, location, limits, availability and a picture for my consideration.

    * Location: GTA
    * it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests



    PostingID: 1353239056

    * Copyright © 2009 craigslist, inc.
    * terms of use
    * privacy policy
    * feedback forum
    Signature not currently available. You aren't missing much.

  8. #8
    Hang 'Em High jetguy5150's Avatar
    Join Date
    04.19.04
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    Burlington, On, Canada, Earth
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    Favorite VH Album

    F.U.C.K. 1984
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    Feels So Good (deal with it...
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    12.13.17 @ 09:21 AM
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    Liked 426 Times in 228 Posts


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    Duplicate
    Signature not currently available. You aren't missing much.

  9. #9
    carpe damn diem billy007's Avatar
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    On the wild card line...
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    12.13.17 @ 07:40 PM
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by chefcraig View Post
    I then threw your wallet into the big pink “pimp mobile” that was parked at the curb … after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car.
    This part kind of invalidates the whole act. I mean, regardless of who owns the car or what they might allegedly do for a living, why should they lose the use of their vehicle while it's in the shop if they had nothing to do with the crime?
    Last edited by billy007; 09.12.09 at 10:35 PM.

  10. #10
    Atomic Punk
    Join Date
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    Houston, TX
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    07.24.11 @ 04:36 PM
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    Default

    this has been one of my favourite craiglist posts for years. good stuff!
    Stay out of it, dude.


    I am Van Halen.

  11. #11
    Atomic Punk stilleddiesangel's Avatar
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    03.30.04
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    A Brit in Texas
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    Have a soft spot for F*U*C*K
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    Unchained/Mine All Mine
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    08.25.17 @ 05:45 PM
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    Quote Originally Posted by jetguy5150 View Post
    That is some funny shit right there. Since we are on the chefCraigslist topic...a guy at work found this nugget. This made me laugh my ass off. Basically this woman is looking for someone to clean her house for her.

    http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/oak/w4m/1353239056.html

    toronto craigslist > oakville > personals > women seeking men
    please flag with care:


    Alpha Female seeking Submissive Male - 42 (GTA)
    Date: 2009-09-01, 12:26PM EDT
    Reply To This Post

    Owned Experienced Dominant BBW female but not a Domme seeks a submissive male for the labour day weekend. You must enjoy and take pride in domestic duties in the home as well as larger tasks such as cleaning out the garage and the basement. I am seeking a submiss who seeks to please a dominant female in the home and in her bed and ask he in turn asks for nothing in return but appreciates when it is bestowed on him. One who will accept the consequences of his performance if they do not meet the standards required, If you enjoy pleasure and pain then perhaps you will be invited once again. Please send detailed info, location, limits, availability and a picture for my consideration.

    * Location: GTA
    * it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests



    PostingID: 1353239056

    * Copyright © 2009 craigslist, inc.
    * terms of use
    * privacy policy
    * feedback forum
    Atta girl!! But she forgot to put, he must be at least six foot, have abs like iron, look like Aaron Eckhart and perform in just an apron.
    ****Texas - Home Of My Heart****

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  12. #12
    carpe damn diem billy007's Avatar
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    Default

    picky, picky...

  13. #13
    Good Enough avhevhmashdlr's Avatar
    Join Date
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    New Jersey
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    Women and Children First
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    03.10.14 @ 08:22 PM
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by stilleddiesangel View Post
    Atta girl!! But she forgot to put, he must be at least six foot, have abs like iron, look like Aaron Eckhart and perform in just an apron.
    you forgot:

    an ass like Christian Bale's, and an accent like Hugh Jackman.
    Last edited by avhevhmashdlr; 09.13.09 at 04:38 PM.
    [On the House Un-American Activities Committee] "They'll nail anyone who ever scratched his ass during the National Anthem."- Humphrey Bogart
    The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done".- George Carlin
    "I just think people should be very free with sex. They should draw the line at goats." - Elton John
    "I'm just trying to figure out why you don’t have any clothes on," the deputy said.

    "Me too," Krauss replied.

    "Don’t forget! One sperm can ruin your whole day!"

 

 

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