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  1. #1
    Atomic Punk ZeoBandit's Avatar
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    12.13.17 @ 06:12 AM
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    Default The Toddler's Creed

    The Toddler's Creed
    If it is on, I must turn it off.
    If it is off, I must turn it on.
    If it is folded, I must unfold it.
    If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled.
    If it a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared.
    If it is high, it must be reached.
    If it is shelved, it must be unshelved.
    If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed.
    If it has leaves, they must be picked.
    If it is plugged, it must be unplugged.
    If it is not trash, it must be thrown away.
    If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor.
    If it is closed, it must be opened.
    If it does not open, it must be screamed at.
    If it has drawers, they must be rifled.
    If it is a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator, monitor, or table.
    If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied.
    If it is empty, it will be more interesting full.
    If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon.
    If it is stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in without protest. It must be pushed by me instead.
    If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon.
    If Mommy's hands are full, I must be carried.
    If Mommy is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone.
    If it is paper, it must be torn.
    If it has buttons, they must be pressed.
    If the volume is low, it must go high.
    If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor.
    If it is a drawer, it must be pulled upon.
    If it is a toothbrush, it must be inserted into my mouth.
    If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force.
    If it is a phone, I must talk to it.
    If it is a bug, it must be swallowed.
    If it doesn't stay on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor.
    If it is not food, it must be tasted.
    If it is food, it must not be tasted.
    If it is dry, it must be made wet with drool, milk, or toilet water.
    If it is a carseat, it must be protested with an arched back.
    If it is Mommy (or Daddy), it must be hugged.
    I am toddler!
    "What we are dealing with here, is a complete lack of respect for the law" - Jackie Gleason, Smokey and the Bandit

    www.geocaching.com - The site where you are the search engine.

  2. #2
    Baluchitherium
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    Damn, most of those my 3 year-old boy does. He has even dunked his head in the downstairs bathroom toilet. Luckily, it had been flushed...

    You could probably add... "If the toilet is full, it must be flushed even if nothing is in it."
    Rock the Red!!!

    "Give Doc the shotgun. They're less apt to get nervy if he's on the street howitzer."

    "Dying ain't much of a living, boy."

    Save a Terrapin - Fear a Turtle

  3. #3
    Atomic Punk Raldo's Avatar
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    12.13.17 @ 10:30 AM
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    Default

    Gotta love kids!
    Remember the Heroes - 9/11/01

    In 2012, the phoenix has risen!!

    "High speed, low drag."

    "Look at all the people here tonight!!!" - 10/5/07, 5/20/08 Mohegan Sun

    Congratulations to Van Halen as part of the Class of 2007 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame!

    Cinco de Cabo @ Foxwoods: "A giant party with live music" - S. Hagar

    got tequila?

    http://keepitaliveforever.com

  4. #4
    Atomic Punk
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    Quote Originally Posted by Raldo View Post
    Gotta love kids!
    really?

    I was under the impression that there was no such hardfast edict. I find it much more practical to simply tolerate them at best and drink excessively to avoid booting them in the face at worst.

    Course I'm sure when The Wife finally cranks one out, i'll become one of those insipid fathers who refuse to admit their child does anything wrong and will cater to its every and any whim...hell, that's how I treat my dogs so I can't imagine something changing.
    Stay out of it, dude.


    I am Van Halen.

  5. #5
    Hot For Teacher
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    I have a 17-month-old. My only experience with a little one. He has done almost every single one of these, except swallow a bug (that I know of). And I know that day will come. He makes me laugh every day and this list made me laugh too.
    Face Down in Cabo!

  6. #6
    Baluchitherium KT's Avatar
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    08.08.17 @ 07:44 PM
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    Quote Originally Posted by ZeoBandit View Post
    The Toddler's Creed
    If it is on, I must turn it off.
    If it is off, I must turn it on.
    If it is folded, I must unfold it.
    If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled.
    If it a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared.
    If it is high, it must be reached.
    If it is shelved, it must be unshelved.
    If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed.
    If it has leaves, they must be picked.
    If it is plugged, it must be unplugged.
    If it is not trash, it must be thrown away.
    If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor.
    If it is closed, it must be opened.
    If it does not open, it must be screamed at.
    If it has drawers, they must be rifled.
    If it is a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator, monitor, or table.
    If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied.
    If it is empty, it will be more interesting full.
    If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon.
    If it is stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in without protest. It must be pushed by me instead.
    If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon.
    If Mommy's hands are full, I must be carried.
    If Mommy is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone.
    If it is paper, it must be torn.
    If it has buttons, they must be pressed.
    If the volume is low, it must go high.
    If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor.
    If it is a drawer, it must be pulled upon.
    If it is a toothbrush, it must be inserted into my mouth.
    If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force.
    If it is a phone, I must talk to it.
    If it is a bug, it must be swallowed.
    If it doesn't stay on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor.
    If it is not food, it must be tasted.
    If it is food, it must not be tasted.
    If it is dry, it must be made wet with drool, milk, or toilet water.
    If it is a carseat, it must be protested with an arched back.
    If it is Mommy (or Daddy), it must be hugged.
    I am toddler!
    Zeo, did you write this? At this period in my life, I find this absolutely BRILLIANT and so true with a 12mo. old. Taylor has, in fact, done every single one of the things listed here! Thanks for posting...can't wait to forward to my husband!

    Quote Originally Posted by broken9500 View Post
    really?

    I was under the impression that there was no such hardfast edict. I find it much more practical to simply tolerate them at best and drink excessively to avoid booting them in the face at worst.

    Course I'm sure when The Wife finally cranks one out, i'll become one of those insipid fathers who refuse to admit their child does anything wrong and will cater to its every and any whim...hell, that's how I treat my dogs so I can't imagine something changing.
    LMAO...broken, you talk a tough game but I witnessed you with my little one. As I recall, you were the very FIRST to get your hands on him on Sunday and then proceeded to hangout with him in the pool for quite awhile (yeah, there may have been a little alcohol involved but I got your number buddy...lol). You're gonna be a HUGE sucker when/if you and the wife have a little bambino.

    Quote Originally Posted by CaboBrian View Post
    I have a 17-month-old. My only experience with a little one. He has done almost every single one of these, except swallow a bug (that I know of). And I know that day will come. He makes me laugh every day and this list made me laugh too.

    Taylor ate his first bug last month. What I thought was paper was NOT. All I was able to retrieve was a wing and an antenna.
    Meet me in Cabo!

  7. #7
    Atomic Punk
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    Quote Originally Posted by KT View Post


    LMAO...broken, you talk a tough game but I witnessed you with my little one. As I recall, you were the very FIRST to get your hands on him on Sunday and then proceeded to hangout with him in the pool for quite awhile (yeah, there may have been a little alcohol involved but I got your number buddy...lol). You're gonna be a HUGE sucker when/if you and the wife have a little bambino.
    HEY! Watch it! What happens at TLW is supposed to STAY at TLW!!!

    You're gonna make these people think I'm sort of softie.
    Stay out of it, dude.


    I am Van Halen.

  8. #8
    Baluchitherium KT's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by broken9500 View Post
    HEY! Watch it! What happens at TLW is supposed to STAY at TLW!!!

    You're gonna make these people think I'm sort of softie.
    Yeah, I blew Lode's cover as the tough guy YEARS ago! (had to retype that several times to unvulgarify it---is that a word? prob. not. i think i just created it, though).
    Meet me in Cabo!

  9. #9
    Atomic Punk
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    Quote Originally Posted by KT View Post
    Yeah, I blew Lode's cover as the tough guy YEARS ago! (had to retype that several times to unvulgarify it---is that a word? prob. not. i think i just created it, though).


    that's funny right there...wish I'd been standing over your shoulder watching your type, pause, backspace, type, pause, backspace until you found the right phrase...

    that and I probably could have glanced down your blouse. heh heh heh
    Stay out of it, dude.


    I am Van Halen.

  10. #10
    On Fire m4rk0's Avatar
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    Thanks!!
    I thought my 3 year old was a bit weird and different..
    turns out he is completely normal based on this list!!

  11. #11
    Atomic Punk sixstring's Avatar
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    the ones with ed on them.
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    LOL!

    That's my little man...to a T.

    Can't forget these as well:

    If I want it, it's mine.
    If I give it to you and change my mind later, it's mine.
    If I can take it away from you, it's mine.
    If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
    If it's mine, it will never belong to anybody else, no matter what.
    If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine.
    If it looks just like mine, it is mine.


    Kiddos...you gotta love 'em!
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]


    "20 minutes (late to work)? Shit. Last year I woke up three weeks too late.
    My advice is to go for the alien abduction story. Look bemused, dishevelled and on the verge of tears as you recount your story of intrusive and degrading medical tests.
    Worked for me anyway. I still have colleagues asking me what it is like to fuck a green womanoid with seventeen breasts.
    Alternatively just walk in and inform everyone that alcoholism is indeed a disease and that they should be less judgemental and perhaps a little more supportive."
    - graeme on the addiction to this place.

    "something tells me that after the nuclear holocaust, there'll be twinkies, cockroaches, and a dave vs. sammy argument going on somewhere".
    - han valen, 6.11.04

    "in my best "saw" scary movie voice: "oh, yes, there will be beagles."
    - hatchetforce, 6.7.06

  12. #12
    Atomic Punk ZeoBandit's Avatar
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    I did not write that. It was sent to my wife and I by my sister in law.
    "What we are dealing with here, is a complete lack of respect for the law" - Jackie Gleason, Smokey and the Bandit

    www.geocaching.com - The site where you are the search engine.

  13. #13
    Hang 'Em High RRMB's Avatar
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    05.21.17 @ 06:42 PM
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    Quote Originally Posted by broken9500 View Post
    HEY! Watch it! What happens at TLW is supposed to STAY at TLW!!!

    You're gonna make these people think I'm sort of softie.
    Just as long as Uncle Monkey and mommy can teach him/her to swim. Floundering around in the deep-end, while barely holding on to a lounge raft, is NOT the image you want the baby to have of daddy.
    "Jesus, that fucker just crawled out of his hen house that was destroyed by the Alabama tornados. Fucking 280mph plus winds sucked the gleam off this bitch and passed it on to a bird in Rhoad Island." - Hurricane Halen 5/3/11 (about my birthday chicken from seenbad)

    "Pete is this big, loud muthafucker with a big ass heart, y'all!!!!---------" - Hurricane Halen 9/27/13

    "Princess Freckle-Tits hasn't had a good day." LLFHS 7/8/10 (on Lindsay Lohans' legal drama)


    http://www.facebook.com/RedRockinMonkeyBoy

    CHILDREN OF "THE FOOT" UNITE

  14. #14
    Atomic Punk Dave's Dreidel's Avatar
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    Going through everyone one of those with my youngest right now.

    Though being able to play trains with him makes it worth it!
    Taylor Swift is nice to look at. Adele can sing.

    Emperor Brett - "I can't believe you guys are analyzing song-by-song Van Halen III? What next, analyzing the script of Stroker Ace looking for some shred of Citizen Kane?"

    David Lee Roth did the impossible. He made Van Halen better. Deal with it!

    Preferred pronouns: he/him/his

    Hurricane Halen - Let's all gingery touch our sword tips!!!

    DONATE TO THE LINKS YA CHEAP BASTARDS!!!!

  15. #15
    Atomic Punk stilleddiesangel's Avatar
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    I think all parents can recall all those very things. My eldest had a talent for eating dirt. Those mud pies just had to be eaten and mummy had to stick her head under the faucet to rinse her mouth out from the filth and grit many a time. In saying that, she had amazing internal defences and a stomach like cast iron. Still very very gross.

    And of course there are those two favourite words..

    2 year old... answer to everything .... "NO!!"

    and 3 year old answer to everything ..."Why??"
    ****Texas - Home Of My Heart****

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

 

 

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