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  1. #1
    Unchained Pranker5150's Avatar
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    05.27.15 @ 08:46 PM
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    anyone else seen this crap?

    dunno if this has been posted or not

    http://blogs.pitch.com/wayward/2009/...kenfoot_at.php

    "Concert Review: Chickenfoot at the Uptown Theater
    By Chris Packham in Last Night's Show
    Wednesday, Aug. 12 2009 @ 11:04AM
    Chickenfoot-01-big.jpg

    Chickenfoot's logo is a lazy rectilinear reinterpretation of a peace symbol, the "track of the American chicken," in the parlance of the Teabaggers and the Ice Road Truckers, the demographic cohort comprising the band's core audience. "The 'K' is backward in the Chickenfoot logo," Kansas City blogger Dave LaCrone pointed out when I told him about the band's upcoming show at the Uptown Theater. "You should spell it that way in your review." Clearly, Dave knows that my fondness for untypeable characters is as wide and deep as my love of battle rap, the "poetry of the streets." Because of this deep insight into me, the things that interest me and how I might best express those interests to other people, I invited Dave to come along with me to the show.

    I'm not going to exaggerate. Chicʞenfoot is pretty terrible in concert. But they're not like the absolute towering monument of garbage you might hope for if you were a pair of irony-tourists. Or, to put it in battle rap terms,

    Yo, Listen up, listen up,
    You musta' been pissin' up
    Drivin' in your Kia while I'm ballin' in my Hummer
    You trippin' on your words, I'm droppin' beats like a drummer
    Uncloggin' your brain's gonna take some Liquid Plumber
    I heard your mama's stupid, yo, but Chicʞenfoot is dumber.

    Drop the mic.

    There's a Navajo saying that goes, "I set out one day to make friends. On that day, I made no enemies. Another day, I sat down to write a Chicʞenfoot review. On that day, I made no friends with Sammy Hagar." Last night's show, after the jump:

    Alt-geriatrica rock combo Chicʞenfoot is composed of four aging performers with varying backgrounds, sensibilities and levels of fame, pretty much like The View. The band appeals largely to aging women -- also like The View. Completing the Barbara Walters hat-trick, Chicʞenfoot is anchored by a sloppy doyenne untethered from self-awareness or real engagement with the culture at large.

    But are they a "supergroup?" Classic Rock Magazine, the music magazine for Victrola enthusiasts, landed an EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW with the members of Chicʞenfoot last April which definitively answered that question. Meanwhile, AARP: The Magazine farted dolefully, swallowed a Lipitor™, and hit the speed-dial for Jamie Lee Curtis. Again. Presumably, that's all water under the Poligrip-cemented maxillary bridge, since, as of this writing, this is the top story at aarpmagazine.org:"
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    "Does anyone elses grandmother drink bacon grease?"

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  2. #2
    Atomic Punk LLFHS's Avatar
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    07.30.17 @ 08:59 PM
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    Chris Packham?

    Hmmmm...



    Oh yeah....I know who that guy is.
    http://www.vhlinks.com/vbforums/show...4&postcount=49
    LowLifeFlatHeadScum

    [sigpic][/sigpic]


    Your Hacked Nude Photo Here!

  3. #3
    Eruption te5150's Avatar
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    09.24.13 @ 12:08 AM
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    I responded to his review with this:

    You know it's going to be a solid, thoughtful appraisal of the concert when the "journalist" (quotes used in full irony) starts his actual review with paragraph 17.

    Talk about your "masturbational self-indulgence," Chris Packham's review has it in spades. Wank much, Chris?

    Real reviewers are supposed to look at the performance as it is, develop and share their opinions on that performance.

    In that spirit, I will review the opening paragraph of Chris Packham's Chickenfoot review. Remember, the review begins after 16 paragraphs of self-indulgent crap. By the way, in real journalism, that's called "burying the lead," and any editor worth his or her salt would've cut the first 16 paragraphs of this rubbish.

    Here is the lead of the review, with my annotations:

    "And (1) then Chicʞenfoot put on a loud, frenetic and delightfully shitty performance of basically unknown songs from their eponymous album. I know it's hot under those stage-lights, you guys (2)(2.1). But (3) whatever rock-star charisma Sammy Hagar still possesses is pretty much nullified whenever he pulls up the hem of his T-shirt to wipe the Nixonian flop-sweat from his forehead, thereby exposing his fish-belly pale beer gut in all its epididymal-white-adiposal glory (4). Which happened a lot (5). It's a long, hard road for a rock star, and Hagar's documented inability to operate an automobile within the legally posted speed limit (6) (6.1) has probably given way to his inability to find an address without driving very, very slowly up and down the street several times (7).

    (1) Chris begins a paragraph with "And." A second-grade teacher might remind him this is incorrect. Tell me, Chris, does the sentence read any differently if you drop the word "And" and begin that paragraph with, "Then"?

    (2) How does the reviewer know being under the lights is hot?

    (2.1) To what does "it" refer in that sentence? When he says, "... it's hot ..." What does "it" mean? This is called a "dummy subject." Lazy writers rely on dummy subjects. For example, if Chris weren't such a shitty, lazy writer, he might have edited the sentence to say, "I know being under those stage lights is hot, guys," thus avoiding a dummy subject and not altering the meaning.

    (3) He begins a sentence with "but." Again, the second-grade teacher would admonish Chris. If he had used a comma after the word "guys" and continued, the sentence would've held its meaning just fine. Writers who believe they are cool often use this tactic of splitting a complex sentence. Yes, Chis, you might think you're cool. But you're a hack. (See how edgy my writing is?)

    (4) In the writer's opinion, Sammy Hagar's rock star charisma is nullified because Hagar wipes away sweat with his shirt. Is anyone else but me begging to find any logic here?

    (5)This "sentence" is a fragment. See (3) above. Beginning a sentence with "Which" is an amateur's mistake.

    (6) Chris used 12 words to mock a 1980s rock hit that used four words. Chris is very clever. He proves it here.

    (6.1) Chris writes, "It's a long, hard road for a rock star ..." Please see (2.1) above. Again, "it" is a dummy subject. To avoid using a meaningless word, a decent writer would've restructured the sentence, perhaps to something like this: "A rock star's road is long and hard ...," or "The road of a rock star is long and hard ...," but apparently Chris was daydreaming of snarky, bitchy little quips during Journalism 101, instead of learning about effective writing.

    (7) If anyone can tell me what this clever little line has to do with the show, I'll buy you a new hat.

    Chris, I'm sure you had no idea how many mistakes you were making in ONE paragraph of your "review," and I suspect you're a young guy who grew up reading Internet message boards and believes "powned!" is a clever response, but I have to tell you, people who want to be taken seriously ought to have a better command of the language.

    You need an editor and many, many hours of practice writing.

    I wish you good luck. Someday you might become a decent writer.

  4. #4
    Good Enough
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    12.12.17 @ 06:31 AM
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    Some of you guys take criticism way too seriously - professional or no.
    This guy tells you everything you need to know by his love and use
    of "battlerap". Some of it's toungue-in-cheek, some of it's spiteful, some of
    it's accurate, and some is even what I think he's going for: funny.
    "Barbara Walters hat trick" anyone?

    LOL.

  5. #5
    Atomic Punk
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    07.24.11 @ 04:36 PM
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    damn...you'd think he'd written a review about your moms or something.
    Stay out of it, dude.


    I am Van Halen.

  6. #6
    Hot For Teacher
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    11.10.14 @ 10:06 AM
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    I was at that show and I thought it was excellent. I can't come up with one bad thing to say about it but have a bunch of great things to say about it. He must have been the only one in the audience who didn't enjoy it because everyone I saw was having a blast! One of the things I thought was really cool is there were quite a few kids their with their parents and they all seemed to really enjoy it, lots of them even wearing Chickenfoot shirts.

    It must really suck to have to go through life so miserable and not be able to enjoy these things. It seems like the only thing that makes some people happy is to bitch about everything and then make sure everyone hears what they have to say.
    Face Down in Cabo!

  7. #7
    Sinner's Swing! Bullwinkle's Avatar
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    06.07.15 @ 10:30 AM
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    Chris' main problem, to me, is that he's making the story about himself. Ever since Hunter Thompson invented the technique of injecting himself into the story, every young writer thinks it's cool to do so.
    Of course Doctor Thompson was able to do this because he was: a) a gifted writer and, b) an interesting person. Chris is neither.

    Chris' friend Dave seems to be much more interesting. I wish he had written the article instead of Chris. His observations are much more astute. His comment, "I have never seen so many goatees in my life..." is the most cutting thing in the whole piece, and the most spot-on. (Let's get rid of the goatees, guys, they're getting old.)

    Chris comes off as an insecure adolescent who pokes fun at everyone else in order to hide his low self image, and uses big words to give his attitude legitimacy. In so doing, however, he reveals how inferior he truly feels. In essence, his article is saying, "if these guys are working to try and entertain a loser like me, then they must be bad."

    Doctor Thompson reserved his vitriol for truly threatening subjects: Nixon, Kissinger, the military industrial complex. He would have enjoyed his evening at the Uptown Theater as it held no power over him.







    Don't read this.

  8. #8
    Good Enough brownnation's Avatar
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    Damn, CF isn't popular with hipsters. I bet they're so disappointed. And he got it wrong. CF doesn't appeal to aging women, they appeal to aging men.

  9. #9
    Atomic Punk
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    12.17.17 @ 06:57 PM
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bullwinkle View Post
    Chris' main problem, to me, is that he's making the story about himself. Ever since Hunter Thompson invented the technique of injecting himself into the story, every young writer thinks it's cool to do so.
    Of course Doctor Thompson was able to do this because he was: a) a gifted writer and, b) an interesting person. Chris is neither.

    Chris' friend Dave seems to be much more interesting. I wish he had written the article instead of Chris. His observations are much more astute. His comment, "I have never seen so many goatees in my life..." is the most cutting thing in the whole piece, and the most spot-on. (Let's get rid of the goatees, guys, they're getting old.)

    Chris comes off as an insecure adolescent who pokes fun at everyone else in order to hide his low self image, and uses big words to give his attitude legitimacy. In so doing, however, he reveals how inferior he truly feels. In essence, his article is saying, "if these guys are working to try and entertain a loser like me, then they must be bad."

    Doctor Thompson reserved his vitriol for truly threatening subjects: Nixon, Kissinger, the military industrial complex. He would have enjoyed his evening at the Uptown Theater as it held no power over him.
    Wow... Your assessment of his review is even better than anything he can apparently write...
    "Watch what people are cynical about, and one can often discover what they lack.” -- Gen. George S. Patton

  10. #10
    Atomic Punk
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    07.24.11 @ 04:36 PM
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bullwinkle View Post
    Chris' main problem, to me, is that he's making the story about himself. Ever since Hunter Thompson invented the technique of injecting himself into the story, every young writer thinks it's cool to do so.
    Of course Doctor Thompson was able to do this because he was: a) a gifted writer and, b) an interesting person. Chris is neither.

    Chris' friend Dave seems to be much more interesting. I wish he had written the article instead of Chris. His observations are much more astute. His comment, "I have never seen so many goatees in my life..." is the most cutting thing in the whole piece, and the most spot-on. (Let's get rid of the goatees, guys, they're getting old.)

    Chris comes off as an insecure adolescent who pokes fun at everyone else in order to hide his low self image, and uses big words to give his attitude legitimacy. In so doing, however, he reveals how inferior he truly feels. In essence, his article is saying, "if these guys are working to try and entertain a loser like me, then they must be bad."

    Doctor Thompson reserved his vitriol for truly threatening subjects: Nixon, Kissinger, the military industrial complex. He would have enjoyed his evening at the Uptown Theater as it held no power over him.
    sounds like he hangs around online forums. heeheehee.

    Hunter S. Thompson was a genius.
    Stay out of it, dude.


    I am Van Halen.

  11. #11
    Good Enough BlindtotheWorld's Avatar
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    12.15.17 @ 10:04 AM
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    "Chickenfoot's logo is a lazy rectilinear reinterpretation of a peace symbol, the "track of the American chicken," in the parlance of the Teabaggers and the Ice Road Truckers, the demographic cohort comprising the band's core audience."

    "Chicʞenfoot is anchored by a sloppy doyenne untethered from self-awareness or real engagement with the culture at large."



    The guy has a political axe to grind but CF is a rather strange outlet for that anger. Because they're not Green Day, they must be some evil faction of the Redneck-Christian-NeoCon Coalition out to spread right wing propaganda. Soap on a Rope just makes me want to protest abortion rights.

  12. #12
    Good Enough SLEEPER5150's Avatar
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    12.03.10 @ 03:16 PM
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    Quote Originally Posted by te5150 View Post
    I responded to his review with this:

    You know it's going to be a solid, thoughtful appraisal of the concert when the "journalist" (quotes used in full irony) starts his actual review with paragraph 17.

    Talk about your "masturbational self-indulgence," Chris Packham's review has it in spades. Wank much, Chris?

    Real reviewers are supposed to look at the performance as it is, develop and share their opinions on that performance.

    In that spirit, I will review the opening paragraph of Chris Packham's Chickenfoot review. Remember, the review begins after 16 paragraphs of self-indulgent crap. By the way, in real journalism, that's called "burying the lead," and any editor worth his or her salt would've cut the first 16 paragraphs of this rubbish.

    Here is the lead of the review, with my annotations:

    "And (1) then Chicʞenfoot put on a loud, frenetic and delightfully shitty performance of basically unknown songs from their eponymous album. I know it's hot under those stage-lights, you guys (2)(2.1). But (3) whatever rock-star charisma Sammy Hagar still possesses is pretty much nullified whenever he pulls up the hem of his T-shirt to wipe the Nixonian flop-sweat from his forehead, thereby exposing his fish-belly pale beer gut in all its epididymal-white-adiposal glory (4). Which happened a lot (5). It's a long, hard road for a rock star, and Hagar's documented inability to operate an automobile within the legally posted speed limit (6) (6.1) has probably given way to his inability to find an address without driving very, very slowly up and down the street several times (7).

    (1) Chris begins a paragraph with "And." A second-grade teacher might remind him this is incorrect. Tell me, Chris, does the sentence read any differently if you drop the word "And" and begin that paragraph with, "Then"?

    (2) How does the reviewer know being under the lights is hot?

    (2.1) To what does "it" refer in that sentence? When he says, "... it's hot ..." What does "it" mean? This is called a "dummy subject." Lazy writers rely on dummy subjects. For example, if Chris weren't such a shitty, lazy writer, he might have edited the sentence to say, "I know being under those stage lights is hot, guys," thus avoiding a dummy subject and not altering the meaning.

    (3) He begins a sentence with "but." Again, the second-grade teacher would admonish Chris. If he had used a comma after the word "guys" and continued, the sentence would've held its meaning just fine. Writers who believe they are cool often use this tactic of splitting a complex sentence. Yes, Chis, you might think you're cool. But you're a hack. (See how edgy my writing is?)

    (4) In the writer's opinion, Sammy Hagar's rock star charisma is nullified because Hagar wipes away sweat with his shirt. Is anyone else but me begging to find any logic here?

    (5)This "sentence" is a fragment. See (3) above. Beginning a sentence with "Which" is an amateur's mistake.

    (6) Chris used 12 words to mock a 1980s rock hit that used four words. Chris is very clever. He proves it here.

    (6.1) Chris writes, "It's a long, hard road for a rock star ..." Please see (2.1) above. Again, "it" is a dummy subject. To avoid using a meaningless word, a decent writer would've restructured the sentence, perhaps to something like this: "A rock star's road is long and hard ...," or "The road of a rock star is long and hard ...," but apparently Chris was daydreaming of snarky, bitchy little quips during Journalism 101, instead of learning about effective writing.

    (7) If anyone can tell me what this clever little line has to do with the show, I'll buy you a new hat.

    Chris, I'm sure you had no idea how many mistakes you were making in ONE paragraph of your "review," and I suspect you're a young guy who grew up reading Internet message boards and believes "powned!" is a clever response, but I have to tell you, people who want to be taken seriously ought to have a better command of the language.

    You need an editor and many, many hours of practice writing.

    I wish you good luck. Someday you might become a decent writer.
    "Basically unknown songs" This guys a real scholar is'nt he? By their very nature, are'nt most first albums of original material chok full of "basically unknown material"? Jesus! He's just another shining example of throwaway music aficianado's. Once somethings dropped in the charts, it's yesterdays news and does'nt deserve to be played. "It's so last week". I love how he not only atacks the band, but also the audience. He's probably a huge house music fan. Frequents coffee houses, and bitches with his other seudo- critic wannabes about how all these "old losers that play shitty classic rock" should just go away. After all, because the band has mass appeal, their obviously just a sell out and trying to make a good living. I know a guy like that with a very similar closed mindset. If a band or film is mainstream, it's crap. True music and film to him is indie and not for the money. Fine. Try to live off your "art" You can get government grants for that. Just great. It's astonishing to me that someone with such a narrow field of interest musically can basically write a review based soley on his pathetic preconception. A guy like that would'nt even let himself open up and enjoy this concert, because in some way, he'd be failing his peers, which let's face it, are just snivelling club dwellers that get off on kicking our genre to the curb. Fuck You Chris! Uber-Urban fucktard!
    Last edited by SLEEPER5150; 08.19.09 at 08:07 AM.
    She looks so $#@!'n good ,so sexy and so frail....Somethin's got the bite on me, I'm goin' straight to Hell.

  13. #13
    Atomic Punk chefcraig's Avatar
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    I distinctly recall reading somewhere that Packham is Navajo for "fucker of pigs".
    Last edited by chefcraig; 08.19.09 at 08:09 AM.

  14. #14
    Sinner's Swing! Bullwinkle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by chefcraig View Post
    I distinctly recall reading somewhere that Packham is Navajo for "fucker of pigs".
    ...and an Appalachian marriage proposal.







    Don't read this.

  15. #15
    5150 mannyroth's Avatar
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    11.28.17 @ 08:40 PM
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    Quote Originally Posted by brownnation View Post
    Damn, CF isn't popular with hipsters. I bet they're so disappointed. And he got it wrong. CF doesn't appeal to aging women, they appeal to aging men.

 

 

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