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  1. #1
    Atomic Punk
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    10.24.16 @ 05:04 PM
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    Default Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal

    Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal:

    ... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
    appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed
    me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over
    the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .
    Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
    reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really
    hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO

    I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for
    a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a
    microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it
    to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's

    I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
    Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
    accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I
    had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
    Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder
    together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.
    (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.)
    Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because
    MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and
    urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
    sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel
    movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off
    your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

    MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but:
    Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep
    experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the
    commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the
    bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you
    figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of
    MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the
    future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my
    wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried
    about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of
    MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you
    apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

    At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and
    totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a
    room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little
    curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital
    garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on,
    makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

    Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
    Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already
    lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
    At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered
    what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom,
    so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no
    choice but to burn your house.

    When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where
    Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the
    17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I
    was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side,
    and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my
    hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
    'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that
    could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be
    the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from
    somewhere behind me.

    'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for
    more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am
    going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

    I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking
    'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ...' and the next moment,
    I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was
    looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even
    more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had
    passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

    Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
    "Watch what people are cynical about, and one can often discover what they lack. -- Gen. George S. Patton

  2. #2
    Atomic Punk bsbll4's Avatar
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    10.23.16 @ 01:32 PM
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    Funny stuff
    CNN may think my opinion matters, but you shouldn't.

  3. #3
    Hot For Teacher
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    11.10.14 @ 09:06 AM
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    This is pretty funny because it is all very true! I've had a couple of colonoscopies and had to go through everything he described. During this last one while I was laying on the table full of drugs and feeling good, I asked the doctors what made them decide they wanted to be butt doctors.
    Face Down in Cabo!

  4. #4
    Good Enough Ace Ventura's Avatar
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    01.01.13 @ 03:06 PM
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    That is hilarious!!!
    "It doesn't mean that much to me to mean that much to you..." -Neil Young

    "The sun's not yellow, it's chicken." -Bob Dylan

    "If you go out and buy a Van Halen record and put it in your collection, it'll melt your other records." -David Lee Roth, 1981.

    Guy of Gisborne: Why a spoon, cousin? Why not an axe?
    Sheriff of Nottingham: Because it's DULL, you twit!!! It'll HURT MORE!!!

  5. #5
    Atomic Punk
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    07.24.11 @ 03:36 PM
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    Dave Barry has written some pretty funny stuff. In Houston we have a tool named Ken Hoffman who is a wannabe...but there's nothing like the original.

  6. #6
    Beloved Glenn's Avatar
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    02.13.15 @ 07:56 AM
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    Two stories.

    1. When I had my first colonoscopy they had us more or less lined up in beds on a hospital ward waiting our turn. My only real nervousness was because I had no clue whether I was going to be put under or not, and I knew that some people are awake for it! When I was in the hallway, next in line, outside the door where the event was to take place, the woman before me was SCREAMING in pain. VERY comforting!! Thankfully I was put under.

    2. When I had my second colonoscopy (which was probably 5 years ago) I learned there is another prep method which requires insertion. Five years is a long time, but time doesn't heal all wounds. Now, I have to go wash my hands!

  7. #7
    Sinner's Swing!
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    03.02.10 @ 02:28 PM
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    The funniest part of the Dave Barry story is there really is no exaggeration there -- that was exactly what it was like.

    And Glenn, I must have been lying on a gurney behind yours cause I heard that screaming woman, too!
    Mr. Horseradish courtesy of the International Horseradish Council and Brett.



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