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  1. #1
    Sinner's Swing! graeme's Avatar
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    11.19.17 @ 09:41 AM
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    Default What do you say?

    I received a text message from an old girlfriend, who has stayed a very close friend, saying that she has just had a miscarriage. It would have been her first child. After her and her boyfriend I was one of the next to know of the pregnancy, even before family.

    Since we live in different countries I can't exactly go and see her (which might be inappropriate anyway) so I just sent the usual blundering messages of condolences .... so sorry, no words, in my thoughts etc

    Is it a male thing or just me or does everyone just struggle like hell to show how much they care without sounding trite?

    Fucking hell.
    A man could lose himself in a country like this.

    My blog at http://tollins.blogspot.de/

  2. #2
    Future's in the past....
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    11.03.17 @ 01:35 PM
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    I struggle with the right thing to say/write whenever I hear about something like this that effects a person. I think some people come up with the appropriate words quite well, while others of us are doomed to struggle not to step on our toungues.
    11/05/78 Hollywood Sportatorium
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  3. #3
    Atomic Punk chefcraig's Avatar
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    There never is an appropriate, just right thing to say in circumstances such as this. Which is why the police and medical professionals started using the phrase "I'm sorry for your loss".
    "The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man."
    George Bernard Shaw

  4. #4
    ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ Number 47's Avatar
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    12.17.17 @ 11:54 AM
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    Premium Member
    Your communication and condolences alone are enough to let her know that you care.

  5. #5
    Atomic Punk
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    07.24.11 @ 04:36 PM
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    Default

    I'm kinda with Chef...there really isn't a "right thing" to say. Sometimes you just have to sort of keep your mouth shut other than just the basics and be there to listen and do nothing more than send good thoughts and prayers (or whatever you want to call them) Also, I think sometimes people can be "too" eloquent or poetic, bordering on the ingenuine. Sometimes a simple "i'm really sorry to hear that" and a willingness to just sit there and hold a space for someone is more than enough.

    i'll say this though, the fact that you're struggling to find the right words to say means you have the right feelings.

  6. #6
    Sinner's Swing! Bullwinkle's Avatar
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    Default

    Men are often "fixers."
    Your friend texted you with a problem, and it's a natural response to want to say or do "the right thing" to help. Of course, there's no way to "fix" this problem, so you're feeling a little frustrated.
    Many times, women don't want help as much as they want sympathy and friendship so they don't have to feel as though they're going through it alone. It's enough for her to know that she's got a friend.

    To give a more trivial example: My wife used to have a job she hated. She would come home from work and complain to me about how much she hated her boss. My first response would be to say, "Well, why don't you do this? Why don't you say that?" Then she would get mad at me and say, "Will you please just listen to me?" And I would say, "I am listening!" Then we would both be confused and frustrated.
    In my dumb male brain, I was thinking that she was coming to me with a problem she couldn't solve that needed "fixing." All she wanted was a sympathetic ear.
    After she cracked a few plates over my head, I learned to listen and simply say things like, "that must have been frustrating," or "that's too bad." I don't have to do anything, except show her that I'm on her side.







    Don't read this.

  7. #7
    Gird your loins Daisy Hill's Avatar
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    12.17.17 @ 03:53 PM
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    Default

    I teach my red cross volunteers to listen....to let our clients tell their story because sometimes that is the technique that people who have suffered a sudden, inexplicable loss use to "frame up" the event in their minds. Some times the story telling is repetitive, disjointed, irrational, delayed, sometimes emotional, sometimes emotionally flat.

    I teach my volunteers that there are no better words than "I am so sorry".."is there anything I can do for you"...followed by the silence and openess that is needed for the storyteller to collect themselves and begin to make their loss real for themselves so that they may begin the process of grief.

    Grief is very personal, no one does it the same way, and a person may not experience grief the same way twice...we cannot understand someone else's grief completely...we can only listen...that is the best offering of comfort

  8. #8
    Sinner's Swing!
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    11.16.12 @ 10:28 PM
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bullwinkle View Post
    Men are often "fixers."
    Your friend texted you with a problem, and it's a natural response to want to say or do "the right thing" to help. Of course, there's no way to "fix" this problem, so you're feeling a little frustrated.
    Many times, women don't want help as much as they want sympathy and friendship so they don't have to feel as though they're going through it alone. It's enough for her to know that she's got a friend.

    To give a more trivial example: My wife used to have a job she hated. She would come home from work and complain to me about how much she hated her boss. My first response would be to say, "Well, why don't you do this? Why don't you say that?" Then she would get mad at me and say, "Will you please just listen to me?" And I would say, "I am listening!" Then we would both be confused and frustrated.
    In my dumb male brain, I was thinking that she was coming to me with a problem she couldn't solve that needed "fixing." All she wanted was a sympathetic ear.
    After she cracked a few plates over my head, I learned to listen and simply say things like, "that must have been frustrating," or "that's too bad." I don't have to do anything, except show her that I'm on her side.
    Wow, nail on the f'n head with that one. Perfect.
    What's happened to you, Winkle? It's scaring me!
    .

    .
    "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the truly great make you feel that you, too, can become great." - Mark Twain

    "Edward?.....thank ya." ~ Could This Be Magic

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  9. #9
    Sinner's Swing! Bullwinkle's Avatar
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    06.07.15 @ 10:30 AM
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    Quote Originally Posted by eden View Post
    What's happened to you, Winkle? It's scaring me!

    I had a stroke about a month ago in my garage.


    Usually I have it in the bathroom, but we had relatives visiting.







    Don't read this.

  10. #10
    Sinner's Swing! graeme's Avatar
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    11.19.17 @ 09:41 AM
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    Default

    Thanks all. Pretty much sums it all up. When you know how much pain someone is in, you just want to take their pain away somehow. I am just frustrated because I can't do that. And I don't want my friend to be in pain.

    Doesn't stop me from feeling totally useless and feeling selfish for being frustrated though.

    However, a good masturbation joke usually helps. Thanks.
    A man could lose himself in a country like this.

    My blog at http://tollins.blogspot.de/

  11. #11
    Atomic Punk stilleddiesangel's Avatar
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    08.25.17 @ 05:45 PM
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    Donor

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Bullwinkle View Post
    Men are often "fixers."
    Your friend texted you with a problem, and it's a natural response to want to say or do "the right thing" to help. Of course, there's no way to "fix" this problem, so you're feeling a little frustrated.
    Many times, women don't want help as much as they want sympathy and friendship so they don't have to feel as though they're going through it alone. It's enough for her to know that she's got a friend.

    To give a more trivial example: My wife used to have a job she hated. She would come home from work and complain to me about how much she hated her boss. My first response would be to say, "Well, why don't you do this? Why don't you say that?" Then she would get mad at me and say, "Will you please just listen to me?" And I would say, "I am listening!" Then we would both be confused and frustrated.
    In my dumb male brain, I was thinking that she was coming to me with a problem she couldn't solve that needed "fixing." All she wanted was a sympathetic ear.
    After she cracked a few plates over my head, I learned to listen and simply say things like, "that must have been frustrating," or "that's too bad." I don't have to do anything, except show her that I'm on her side.
    Are you a woman in disguise? Or have you read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus or something? Very well put there. Also of course is true of the saying men go into their caves when they're hurting or worried and women want to soundboard how they feel.

    Graeme, that you care is enough. She wont expect anything else. What you might wanna do is give it a couple of days and then text her to say you're still there and you're thinking of her/them.
    ****Texas - Home Of My Heart****

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  12. #12
    Sinner's Swing! Bullwinkle's Avatar
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    06.07.15 @ 10:30 AM
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    Quote Originally Posted by stilleddiesangel View Post
    Are you a woman in disguise? Or have you read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus or something? Very well put there. Also of course is true of the saying men go into their caves when they're hurting or worried and women want to soundboard how they feel.

    Geez, you guys are all freaking out on me.
    I've been married for 16 years. I don't think it's possible to do that without working at it a bit.

    That whole "soundboard" thing is still interesting to me, if not a little frustrating sometimes.
    Recently we got screwed on an insurance bill. The company wasn't going to cover some tests we had done, so we got stuck with a bill for $1200.
    My response to the situation was to stretch out on the couch and watch a football game while I pondered what to do.
    My wife's response was to immedeately call her mother, her sister-in-law, and two friends and talk and talk and talk about the insurance bill. After she had worked herself into a lather about the situation, she came into the family room where I was and screeched, "Don't you even CARE about this!??!"

    Ah! The joys of a happy marriage.


    But I digress. This is graeme's thread. Best wishes to your friend, graeme.







    Don't read this.

  13. #13
    Sinner's Swing!
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bullwinkle View Post
    Geez, you guys are all freaking out on me.
    I've been married for 16 years. I don't think it's possible to do that without working at it a bit.

    That whole "soundboard" thing is still interesting to me, if not a little frustrating sometimes.
    Recently we got screwed on an insurance bill. The company wasn't going to cover some tests we had done, so we got stuck with a bill for $1200.
    My response to the situation was to stretch out on the couch and watch a football game while I pondered what to do.
    My wife's response was to immedeately call her mother, her sister-in-law, and two friends and talk and talk and talk about the insurance bill. After she had worked herself into a lather about the situation, she came into the family room where I was and screeched, "Don't you even CARE about this!??!"

    Ah! The joys of a happy marriage.
    We're not trying to freak you out....we're just so appreciative. My husband and I have been married for 21 years, and I still have to remind him to just listen, instead of offering me quite graciously the wisdom of the ages. You know, nobody wants unsolicited advice. And we both work in the mental health field! So, I remind him, and he does better. And sometimes I just call my best girlfriend or SIL.
    .

    .
    "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the truly great make you feel that you, too, can become great." - Mark Twain

    "Edward?.....thank ya." ~ Could This Be Magic

    "The attitude is we live and let live. This is actually an amazing change in values in a rather short time and it's an example of freedom from religion."
    ~ Thomas Wolfe

  14. #14
    Atomic Punk
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bullwinkle View Post
    Men are often "fixers."
    Your friend texted you with a problem, and it's a natural response to want to say or do "the right thing" to help. Of course, there's no way to "fix" this problem, so you're feeling a little frustrated.
    Many times, women don't want help as much as they want sympathy and friendship so they don't have to feel as though they're going through it alone. It's enough for her to know that she's got a friend.

    To give a more trivial example: My wife used to have a job she hated. She would come home from work and complain to me about how much she hated her boss. My first response would be to say, "Well, why don't you do this? Why don't you say that?" Then she would get mad at me and say, "Will you please just listen to me?" And I would say, "I am listening!" Then we would both be confused and frustrated.
    In my dumb male brain, I was thinking that she was coming to me with a problem she couldn't solve that needed "fixing." All she wanted was a sympathetic ear.
    After she cracked a few plates over my head, I learned to listen and simply say things like, "that must have been frustrating," or "that's too bad." I don't have to do anything, except show her that I'm on her side.

    got stuck in the restroom with nothing but one of the wife's cosmos huh?

  15. #15
    Sinner's Swing! Bullwinkle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by broken9500 View Post
    got stuck in the restroom with nothing but one of the wife's cosmos huh?
    I also learned how to please myself in bed.







    Don't read this.

 

 

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