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  1. #1
    Atomic Punk ZeoBandit's Avatar
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    01.29.02
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    41
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    Chicago
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    17,830
    Favorite VH Album

    F.U.C.K.
    Favorite VH Song

    Humans Being
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    12.14.17 @ 05:57 AM
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    Default New office policy

    EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008

    NEW OFFICE POLICY

    Dress Code:

    1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to
    your salary.

    2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a
    Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially
    and therefore do not need a raise.

    3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
    money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
    therefore you do not need a raise.

    4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need
    to be and therefore you do not need a raise.



    Sick Days:
    We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof
    of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    Personal Days:
    Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
    They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

    Bereavement Leave:
    This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
    you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every
    effort should be made to have non-employees attend the
    funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where
    employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
    scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
    allow you to work through your lunch hour and
    subsequently leave one hour early.




    Bathroom Breaks:
    Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
    There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
    stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
    sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
    door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your
    second offense, your picture will be posted on the
    company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'
    category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
    sectioned under the company's mental health policy.



    Lunch Break: (Love this one)

    * Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need
    to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

    * Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
    balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

    * Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's
    all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
    to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
    all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
    frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
    allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
    and input should be directed elsewhere.


    The Management
    Pass this on to all who are employed!
    "What we are dealing with here, is a complete lack of respect for the law" - Jackie Gleason, Smokey and the Bandit

    www.geocaching.com - The site where you are the search engine.

  2. #2
    Baluchitherium
    Join Date
    07.23.02
    Age
    41
    Location
    Annapolis, MD
    Posts
    5,445
    Favorite VH Album

    F.U.C.K.
    Favorite VH Song

    W/O U, WIL, & HFT
    Last Online

    12.15.17 @ 05:52 AM
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    Liked 433 Times in 167 Posts


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    Default

    "Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's
    all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast."

    I just about fell out of my chair when I read this one. Since the Links isn't on there, I guess its okay to check in there during the day...
    Rock the Red!!!

    "Give Doc the shotgun. They're less apt to get nervy if he's on the street howitzer."

    "Dying ain't much of a living, boy."

    Save a Terrapin - Fear a Turtle

  3. #3
    Hang 'Em High RRMB's Avatar
    Join Date
    12.09.03
    Age
    47
    Location
    EyeOhWuh
    Posts
    6,794
    Favorite VH Album

    The 1 that had that 1 song
    Favorite VH Song

    Runaround, MWM, MAM
    Last Online

    05.21.17 @ 06:42 PM
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    2
    Liked 9 Times in 4 Posts

    Default

    Holy shit, welcome to the world of truck driving. That is the way we are actually treated.
    "Jesus, that fucker just crawled out of his hen house that was destroyed by the Alabama tornados. Fucking 280mph plus winds sucked the gleam off this bitch and passed it on to a bird in Rhoad Island." - Hurricane Halen 5/3/11 (about my birthday chicken from seenbad)

    "Pete is this big, loud muthafucker with a big ass heart, y'all!!!!---------" - Hurricane Halen 9/27/13

    "Princess Freckle-Tits hasn't had a good day." LLFHS 7/8/10 (on Lindsay Lohans' legal drama)


    http://www.facebook.com/RedRockinMonkeyBoy

    CHILDREN OF "THE FOOT" UNITE

  4. #4
    Wear the fox hat... Filthy 150's Avatar
    Join Date
    10.13.03
    Location
    Right here.
    Posts
    4,121
    Favorite VH Album

    5150
    Favorite VH Song

    Drop Dead Legs
    Last Online

    10.16.17 @ 11:43 AM
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    Liked 17 Times in 10 Posts


    Premium Member

    Default

    I got this list in an email w/ pics of the cardboard cubicle.
    The time and energy yhat went into that would make a manager go ballistic.
    "Here's to swimmin' with bow legged women."
    Quint- Boat Captain
    --------------------------------------------------


    "As God as my witness...I thought turkeys could fly"
    Arthur Carlson- Radio Station GM
    --------------------------------------------------


    "I think you're all fucked in the head. We're ten hours from the fucking fun park, and you wanna bail out! Well, I'll tell you something, this is no longer a vacation . . . it's a quest! It's a quest for fun! I'm gonna have fun, and you're gonna have fun! We're all gonna have so much fucking fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our Goddamn smiles! You'll be whistling Zip-a-dee-doo-da out of your assholes! "
    Clark W. Griswold- Food Additive Designer
    ---------------------------------------------------


    VIVA TEXAS LINKERS WEEKEND!
    Round I = Done!
    Round II = Done!
    Round III = Done!
    Round IV = Done!
    Round V = Done!
    Round VI = Done!
    Round VII = Done!
    Round VIII = Done!

  5. #5
    Atomic Punk ZeoBandit's Avatar
    Join Date
    01.29.02
    Age
    41
    Location
    Chicago
    Posts
    17,830
    Favorite VH Album

    F.U.C.K.
    Favorite VH Song

    Humans Being
    Last Online

    12.14.17 @ 05:57 AM
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    Liked 40 Times in 29 Posts


    Donor

    Default

    Yeah, I got the cardboard cubicle pics also, but didn't have time to mess with getting them posted so I could link them here. I'm lazy like that.
    "What we are dealing with here, is a complete lack of respect for the law" - Jackie Gleason, Smokey and the Bandit

    www.geocaching.com - The site where you are the search engine.

  6. #6
    Wear the fox hat... Filthy 150's Avatar
    Join Date
    10.13.03
    Location
    Right here.
    Posts
    4,121
    Favorite VH Album

    5150
    Favorite VH Song

    Drop Dead Legs
    Last Online

    10.16.17 @ 11:43 AM
    Likes
    31
    Liked 17 Times in 10 Posts


    Premium Member

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ZeoBandit View Post
    Yeah, I got the cardboard cubicle pics also, but didn't have time to mess with getting them posted so I could link them here. I'm lazy like that.
    OK...you are lazy.

    I have never learned how to post pics.
    Several people have walked me through it, but it never sticks.
    I think it has to do with me having dialup at work. The transfer rate is like mollasses on pictures and video, so I just don't participate.

    Or I con someone else into posting any pics for me.
    "Here's to swimmin' with bow legged women."
    Quint- Boat Captain
    --------------------------------------------------


    "As God as my witness...I thought turkeys could fly"
    Arthur Carlson- Radio Station GM
    --------------------------------------------------


    "I think you're all fucked in the head. We're ten hours from the fucking fun park, and you wanna bail out! Well, I'll tell you something, this is no longer a vacation . . . it's a quest! It's a quest for fun! I'm gonna have fun, and you're gonna have fun! We're all gonna have so much fucking fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our Goddamn smiles! You'll be whistling Zip-a-dee-doo-da out of your assholes! "
    Clark W. Griswold- Food Additive Designer
    ---------------------------------------------------


    VIVA TEXAS LINKERS WEEKEND!
    Round I = Done!
    Round II = Done!
    Round III = Done!
    Round IV = Done!
    Round V = Done!
    Round VI = Done!
    Round VII = Done!
    Round VIII = Done!

  7. #7
    Future's in the past....
    Join Date
    03.03.08
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    51
    Location
    Somewhere between here and there
    Posts
    13,090
    Favorite VH Album

    WACF, FW, DD
    Favorite VH Song

    At the moment, Little Guitars
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    11.03.17 @ 01:35 PM
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    Liked 3 Times in 3 Posts

    Default

    If working in a cubicle, then one of these is required.

    Dilbert Inflatable Cubicle Door
    11/05/78 Hollywood Sportatorium
    12/10/82 Hollywood Sportatorium
    01/20/84 Hollywood Sportatorium
    01/21/84 Hollywood Sportatorium
    02/16/08 Jacksonville Veterans Memorial Arena

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

    I've got dreams in hidden places and extra smiles for when I'm blue.

  8. #8
    PM Goo with your concerns OLO's Avatar
    Join Date
    12.13.99
    Age
    49
    Location
    Enumclaw, WA
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    18,055
    Favorite VH Album

    Fair Warning
    Favorite VH Song

    Unchained
    Last Online

    12.14.17 @ 01:36 AM
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    Liked 84 Times in 35 Posts

    Default

    Thats some pretty funny stuff.
    ((Just My Two Cents))
    And thats about what its worth.

  9. #9
    Baluchitherium mistere's Avatar
    Join Date
    05.31.02
    Location
    Bangkok
    Posts
    5,364
    Favorite VH Album

    Fair Women Down
    Favorite VH Song

    Chicken Feet for Breakfast
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    07.11.09 @ 03:27 AM
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    Liked 1 Time in 1 Post

    Default

    Bathroom Breaks was best.

  10. #10
    Atomic Punk smithjc's Avatar
    Join Date
    04.12.00
    Location
    The US of A
    Posts
    16,463
    Favorite VH Album

    Women & Children First
    Favorite VH Song

    Fools/All things Halenized
    Last Online

    08.04.17 @ 11:33 PM
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    130
    Liked 29 Times in 14 Posts


    Donor

    Default

    That pretty much sums it up at our office.
    RIP - Classic Van Halen

    "A lot of people take Van Halen more seriously than we do." The Diamond One



  11. #11
    Banned! The Dude's Avatar
    Join Date
    06.22.08
    Location
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    Favorite VH Album

    Van Halen? What site is this?
    Favorite VH Song

    Rare demo: They peed on my Rug
    Last Online

    11.09.08 @ 08:18 AM
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    Default

    Holycrapthatissomegoodstuffthere.Igottaprintthatou tandpostatmywork,they'llloveit.

    Thanks.

    Damn

    spacebar

    aint

    working.

    sorry.

    newkeyboardtimeiguess.
    Last edited by The Dude; 08.15.08 at 04:52 PM.

  12. #12
    Banned! The Dude's Avatar
    Join Date
    06.22.08
    Location
    The Bowling Alley
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    263
    Favorite VH Album

    Van Halen? What site is this?
    Favorite VH Song

    Rare demo: They peed on my Rug
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    11.09.08 @ 08:18 AM
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    Default

    Sorry for the stupid post. The space bar on my keyboard just about went south on me. Posting on my gal's laptop now. New keyboard later.

    Stupid, I should learn to edit better.

  13. #13
    Eruption Interceptor's Avatar
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    39
    Location
    West Michigan
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    Favorite VH Album

    1984
    Favorite VH Song

    Feel Your Love Tonight
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    12.14.17 @ 12:28 AM
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    Liked 12 Times in 8 Posts


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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Redrockinmonkeyboy View Post
    Holy shit, welcome to the world of truck driving. That is the way we are actually treated.
    I hear you there!! I was a snow plow/truck driver for my county road commission for 7 years. Any and all "breaks" were expected to be taken while you were waiting in line to get another load of salt, and the salt dome was a hell of a long ways from the shitter.

  14. #14
    Atomic Punk
    Join Date
    12.25.01
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    Carmel, Ca
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    Favorite VH Album

    Fair Warning
    Favorite VH Song

    You\'re Kidding,right?
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    05.31.14 @ 08:17 PM
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    Default

    The words "Office Shooting Rampage" come to mind.
    "Nothing is ever what it seems but everything is exactly what it is." - B. Banzai


    My Blog:

    http://axxman300tool.blogspot.com/

    http://www.myspace.com/axxman300

 

 

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