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  1. #1
    Sinner's Swing! graeme's Avatar
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    11.19.17 @ 09:41 AM
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    Default War in Luxembourg

    Associated Press - Breaking news 17 minutes ago

    Information is sketchy at present but it appears that a lone American has declared war on the tiny Duchy of Luxembourg.

    Not much is known about the aggressor, who calls himself Down in Flames, but it is obvious that he possibly has his sights set on Belgium too after declaring : "I eat waffles just to shit them out".

    Off the record DIF was heard to call the Luxembourgeans "Utter fuckbags" and said they will "rue the day they allowed French to become one of their 3 national languages. As soon as I can be bothered to get my cock out their mother's arses....I'm going in".

    It seems that all options are on the "fucking table". Whether or not DIF possesses a nuclear capability is unclear but there is no comment made anywhere that rules out this possibility or his willingness to use it.

    Panic is setting in amongst the half million inhabitants of Luxembourg, the highest per capita GDP country in the world and coincidentally, the highest alcohol consumers per head.

    What happens next remains to be seen but one can only hope DIF's chilling forecast that he will "skull fuck each and every one of them to death, twice" does not materialise and that an amicable solution can be reached.

    Stay tuned...
    A man could lose himself in a country like this.

    My blog at http://tollins.blogspot.de/

  2. #2
    Eruption Icecream-man's Avatar
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    12.13.17 @ 02:58 AM
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    Default

    Shit someone alert Liechtenstein and Andorra...Freaking Vaduz-chebags
    Kosovo Je Srbija

  3. #3
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    01.05.12 @ 06:49 PM
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    Default

    LOL
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  4. #4
    Gird your loins Daisy Hill's Avatar
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    12.14.17 @ 05:44 PM
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    Default

    I was unaware that war had been declared. I was under the impression that DIf had just declared a "police action" against Luxembour and Belgium based upon the breakdown of internet diplomacy.

    I suppose in a country as small as Luxembourg, "eating all your waffles just to shit them out" could be cause for alarm, but I believe peace will prevail once the parties return to the negotiation table (provided DIF keeps his hands off the damn waffles)
    Last edited by Daisy Hill; 06.12.08 at 06:11 PM.

  5. #5
    Imperial Fascist Overlord Down In Flames's Avatar
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    A glimpse inside DIF's strategery against the Euro-Menace that is Luxembourg...

    Time: 033,000 hours... circa
    Place: Luxembourg... some two-bit, rinky-dink "country" in Europe.
    Mission: War with Luxembourg/shitting Belgian waffles.
    Demand: That Luxembourg declare war with Andorra so that DIF may be amused by "The War of Nothings."

    With speed and stealth my aim was to shock them. Awe them, too. But gotta shock first. Protocol and all. Anyway, as DIF's tank battalion rolled into downtown... whatever the hell it's called... the first thing I saw were these pasty white folks with frowns on their faces. The frowns were kind of a mix between nonplussedness and sadness. Not the full-on Palestinian aggro grimace, you know?

    I hopped out of my tank, raised an eyebrow and lowered my chin as I stood atop my M1A1 Abrams. ("A1," as in the steak sauce which is sponsoring this little jaunt. How else would you imagine I'd fund this operation? Jeez...) You could tell the people were caught off guard by my uniform or, rather, lack thereof. Wearing sandals on top of a tank as you invade a country is an internationally recognized show of contempt.



    There were the usual tired proclamations of, "You'll never take us alive, Imperialist DIF!" Yet I heard even more screams of, "That fucking graeme got us into this! He should have kept his piehole shut about our respectable standard of living and startlingly nondescript reputation! If we had, like, three more people we'd send them to Germany to... yell up at his window... or something."

    It was clear that my first goal had been met with relative ease. The people were shocked.

    As reaction poured in to news stations worldwide, the Glass Shit House, er, United Nations convened a Security Council Emergency Tea Party, er, Session.



    "We must be calm and rational. Losing our composure is not in anyone's best interest. Emotion is controlled by the brain. And the brain's connected to the spinal cord much the same as the hip bone's connected to the thigh bone. Breathe in, breathe out. Wax on, wax off... Man, this job suuuuuuucks." - Ban Ki-Moon, UN Secretary General

    Back inside my tank after condescendingly thumbing my nose at the Luxembourgians, I continued rolling through the streets. It was a beautiful day. Sun shining, birds chirping, Luxembourgians... not doing too much, as usual.

    Until THIS guy.



    Dude totally fucked up traffic. How discourteous. I tell you, this country has profound cultural problems... I received a message from the head of Luxembourg's army, <--- Yeah, right. More like a glorified rent-a-cop division. He said that they would try reasoning with the man in the street and asked (more like begged) me to hold my fire.

    I was tempted to shoot the bastard but was also curious to see how long it would take for the head of the vaunted Luxembourg military to get one single dope off the street.

    It took f-o-r-e-v-e-r. Thank Xenu that DIF had his iPod. As I sat in my tank listening to, "The Very Best of Christopher Cross"...



    ... several star-struck Luxembourgians took the opportunity to snap some photographs of themselves sitting on DIF's tank. They correctly reasoned that they may never again have the chance to be seen so close to such a world figure.



    Finally, the juggernaut that isn't the Luxembourgian army managed to lure the odd man (WTF was in the bag?) off the street with a promise of tea and a baguette. By this time, DIF was almost unconscious. I'm beginning to think this was their battle plan all along; to lull me into REM sleep.

    My battalion pulled out of the crapfest of a town and proceeded onward, eventually setting up camp outside some honky-ish village whose name is quite unpronounceable. What is it with Europeans and vowels? Every name has to have a minimum of seemingly 34 letters.

    I have a running bet with my gunner, Gunnar, that we won't meet anyone simply named, "Joe" in this backward region.

    More from THE FRONT LINES OF FREEDOM later...
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  6. #6
    Sinner's Swing! graeme's Avatar
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    11.19.17 @ 09:41 AM
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    I can't believe you actually went in DIF....

    Now there is a large protest outside my front door asking me to retract my comments. They're throwing eggs at my window for god's sake.

    Fuck this, I'm leaving the world politics stage. Besides, I'm going to stage a coup in Monaco next week. I want the grand prix every weekend.

    btw, if you continue on into Belgium will you pick up some waffles for me?
    A man could lose himself in a country like this.

    My blog at http://tollins.blogspot.de/

  7. #7
    Damage your reputation seenbad's Avatar
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    11.30.17 @ 06:15 PM
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    Donor

    Default

    Beauty. I love the gunner's name.

    Btw, that cat on the front of the tank looks like you.
    sheepa latta peepah dabba looka foh a moopy

    Gunter glieben glauchen globen

  8. #8
    PM Goo with your concerns OLO's Avatar
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    12.14.17 @ 01:36 AM
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by seenbad View Post
    Beauty. I love the gunner's name.

    Btw, that cat on the front of the tank looks like you.
    I thought photo looked like DIF as well. If he was giving the finger it would have been better.
    ((Just My Two Cents))
    And thats about what its worth.

  9. #9
    Eruption Lightning Fingers's Avatar
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    03.01.12 @ 05:52 PM
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    Default

    Meanwhile, Canada, being a 'peaceful' nation, sends a diplomat with Leggo's waffles and pure Canadian maple syrup in an attempt to provide a diplomatic means to prevent a war.
    Homer: No one snuggles with Max Power. Just strap on and feel the Gs!

    American Coast Guard: Back off Canadians we got them.
    Canadian Coast Guard: You back off hosers, they are in Canadian waters, eh.
    American Coast Guard: Beat it you puck smacking maple suckers!
    Canadian Coast Guard: Take a hike you Shatner stealing Mexico touchers!

    Bart: Who the hell is this?
    Jack Bauer: I’m Jack Bauer, who the hell is this?
    Bart: Me, er… I’m Ahmed Adudi
    Jack: Chloe, get me all you can on Ahmed Adudi… Does anyone there know Ahmed Adudi?
    Chloe O’Brien: Ahmed Adudi; wealthy Saudi financier… Disappeared into Afghanistan in the late 90s…
    Jack: … Really?
    Chloe (ironically): No Jack it’s a joke name, you’re being set up.
    Jack: DAMMIT!

 

 

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