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  1. #1
    Eruption smme5150's Avatar
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    04.08.16 @ 04:20 PM
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    Default The Married People's Bitch Session Thread...Let it all out!!

    So, after just being turned down for sex for the 42,323 time in my 15 years of marriage because it was "too late at night for sex", I got to wondering if there are as many happy married people (end sarcasm) as me out there.

    Oh sure, we go about our day, kids, jobs, errands, blah, blah ,blah all while slowly dieing inside day by day by day......praying for that final sweet release of death to hurry up.

    So I thought it would be fun to bullshit about sex or lack thereof, you know all things married people.Maybe we can learn a thing or two from one another on how to re-light the flame or to at least dull the senses to yet another night of sexlessness.

    So like a proper gentlemen, I will start this off:

    The other night after begging around for a few days that my mule needed some stroking, I asked the wife if she was up for action. As always, earlier in the evening it sounded like a good idea. But for some reason that always get's derailed between 6p.m. and 11p.m. By bedtime she was soooo tired, wah, wah wa that she just said "you will have to wait for another night". So like a true man I said, " how about a handy?" "No,"she says. More begging ensues and after many minutes of negotiation she says: "If you give me a neck rub, I'll give you a handy at the same time." Fine, not all bad, but still pathetic and it made me walk away feeling like a zero. WTF is wrong with women in marriage? Can someone make an attempt to set me straight here? Ladies of the board, wtf?

  2. #2
    Eruption 5150's Avatar
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    Dial 1-900-SPANKED. Anything you want. Anytime you want.




    Get yer mind blown.
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    Poster formerly known as Fiftyoneftfty

  3. #3
    On Fire TAMPA VH's Avatar
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    09.09.11 @ 02:13 PM
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    Quote Originally Posted by smme5150 View Post
    So, after just being turned down for sex for the 42,323 time in my 15 years of marriage because it was "too late at night for sex", I got to wondering if there are as many happy married people (end sarcasm) as me out there.

    Oh sure, we go about our day, kids, jobs, errands, blah, blah ,blah all while slowly dieing inside day by day by day......praying for that final sweet release of death to hurry up.

    So I thought it would be fun to bullshit about sex or lack thereof, you know all things married people.Maybe we can learn a thing or two from one another on how to re-light the flame or to at least dull the senses to yet another night of sexlessness.

    So like a proper gentlemen, I will start this off:

    The other night after begging around for a few days that my mule needed some stroking, I asked the wife if she was up for action. As always, earlier in the evening it sounded like a good idea. But for some reason that always get's derailed between 6p.m. and 11p.m. By bedtime she was soooo tired, wah, wah wa that she just said "you will have to wait for another night". So like a true man I said, " how about a handy?" "No,"she says. More begging ensues and after many minutes of negotiation she says: "If you give me a neck rub, I'll give you a handy at the same time." Fine, not all bad, but still pathetic and it made me walk away feeling like a zero. WTF is wrong with women in marriage? Can someone make an attempt to set me straight here? Ladies of the board, wtf?
    Dude, we just "celebrated" our 20th anniversary this past Wednesday. First off, you will be much happier giving yourself the handy, and secondly, when you have been married this long your at the point where you can't really do anything right anyway. My advice is to just keep spanking it and wait until she wants sex and then you can say "I'm kind of tired, it is 11pm you know". I have a t-shirt that doesn't even need a hanger anymore !!!!!!!!!

  4. #4
    Unchained scs5150's Avatar
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    12.17.10 @ 10:56 AM
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    Women need to be told that they are special. They need to feel like they are appreciated. They need a little romance, not just on Valentine's Day, but every day. Flowers every now and then doesn't hurt. A little neck rub, a stroke on the back , a comment of you look beautiful today. Call them up just to "hear their voice."

    Then and only then......................will you get some.




    At least that's how my wife explained it to me!

  5. #5
    Eruption Lightning Fingers's Avatar
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    Be a man! Take her by the hand and guide her to the bedroom. If she resists, tell her to just follow your lead. If she resists more, carry her to the bedroom. Push her to the bed and remove her pants and undies. Please her for once by going down on her, kissing her all over, licking her skin, spank her (if she's into that), do whatever she likes to get her in the mood. Don't ever ask what she likes because that would piss her off.

    And to be romantic, set the room up with low lights, candles, spray the room with her favourite perfum, play her favourite love song or failing that, a classical song to set the mood.

    Just be creative in what you do. Don't go with the standards, think outside (and I had this cliche) the box.

    I've been married for 12 years and there are times I didn't want to be in the mood. But, when I'm improvising, my wife loves it. I do it unexpectantly all the time. It spices up everything.
    Homer: No one snuggles with Max Power. Just strap on and feel the Gs!

    American Coast Guard: Back off Canadians we got them.
    Canadian Coast Guard: You back off hosers, they are in Canadian waters, eh.
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    Bart: Who the hell is this?
    Jack Bauer: I’m Jack Bauer, who the hell is this?
    Bart: Me, er… I’m Ahmed Adudi
    Jack: Chloe, get me all you can on Ahmed Adudi… Does anyone there know Ahmed Adudi?
    Chloe O’Brien: Ahmed Adudi; wealthy Saudi financier… Disappeared into Afghanistan in the late 90s…
    Jack: … Really?
    Chloe (ironically): No Jack it’s a joke name, you’re being set up.
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  6. #6
    Eruption nitefly5150's Avatar
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    Ok- here's one. The other night we go to the grocery store, the wife just runs in, I stay in the car. I tell her, "please get hommous, the garlic stuff, not the other stuff". She asks why. "Because I like hommous. Sometimes I need a snack at night, I like hommous". She comes out and says "I got the vegtable hommous instead because it looked so good". She could have got both. She could have pretended to have forgotten, and pretended to be sorry (which she wasn't). She could have called and said "would you mind if I got this other stuff instead?" After all, she asked why we needed it.

    Its funny how silly things can become the symbol everything wrong in our lives. I had an evening ruined by hommous.

    Sometimes I have to go hang out with my thirty-something single friends and hear how its impossible to meet people. I feel better just remembering I have somebody in bed next to me.

    Glad this thread was here.

  7. #7
    Hang 'Em High RRMB's Avatar
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    05.21.17 @ 06:42 PM
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by TAMPA VH View Post
    ...I have a t-shirt that doesn't even need a hanger anymore !!!!!!!!!


    You owe me a new laptop. Diet Coke and electronics are not a good combo.

    Holy Shit...that is hilarious. LMAO
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  8. #8
    On Fire Genghis_John's Avatar
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    08.22.16 @ 01:22 PM
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    Default

    I hear you man.

    After 18 years of marriage, the wife and I are into hallway sex.

    When I pass her in the hallway, she says "Fuck you!!"
    "Everything comes to me while I'm sitting on the pot." - EVH

  9. #9
    Atomic Punk Little Dreamer's Avatar
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    12.13.17 @ 11:33 AM
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    Default

    Don't even get me STARTED on this topic...
    Little Dreamer

  10. #10
    Baluchitherium KT's Avatar
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    08.08.17 @ 07:44 PM
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lightning Fingers View Post
    Be a man! Take her by the hand and guide her to the bedroom. If she resists, tell her to just follow your lead. If she resists more, carry her to the bedroom. Push her to the bed and remove her pants and undies. Please her for once by going down on her, kissing her all over, licking her skin, spank her (if she's into that), do whatever she likes to get her in the mood. Don't ever ask what she likes because that would piss her off.

    And to be romantic, set the room up with low lights, candles, spray the room with her favourite perfum, play her favourite love song or failing that, a classical song to set the mood.

    Just be creative in what you do. Don't go with the standards, think outside (and I had this cliche) the box.

    I've been married for 12 years and there are times I didn't want to be in the mood. But, when I'm improvising, my wife loves it. I do it unexpectantly all the time. It spices up everything.
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAND we have a winner....DINGDINGDINGDINGDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Now, THAT, my friend is how you get a piece of ass with NO complaints from a woman. If she doesn't respond to that, then start exercising those hand muscles b/c you're gonna need them on a very regular basis.

    BE the man (although, of course, never "force" your wife if she says no) and lead her. DON'T TALK ABOUT IT AND DON'T ASK!!! Make it impossible for her to refuse.

    Look, I've been married for 16yrs. and I can truly say that there have only been a few times in our marriage when I didn't want to have sex and my husband did and that was b/c I truly was not feeling well. I say a "few" times...I'm talking I can count the times on ONE hand in 16yrs. Figure out what is important to her (i.e. does she like handwritten little notes that are taped to the bathroom mirror or that she can find in her purse later in the day; does she need to hear that she's beautiful or appreciated; if she DOES feel underappreciated, YOU fixing dinner and cleaning the dishes would prob. get you laid in a nano-second). Really listen to her and figure out what is lacking for her and that will lead you to your pot o' gold, so to speak.

    I'm a woman and I know of that I speak. Unless she has a medical condition where she's not producing enough hormones (or whatever it is), you probably just need to find the right buttons to push. And remember, sex is different for women than for men. For women, it's totally connected to our emotions and how we're feeling about you. It's not to be understood b/c you can't...just like women have a difficult time understanding why it's just a physical act, much of the time, for men (although some of us women do enjoy and need that animalisitc wild sex at times too but for the most part women and men are just wired differently)

    I'm sure that after 15yrs. of marriage, this is NOT new information for you. Sometimes men (and women) need to be reminded that it's going to take some effort. If it's not worth the effort then.... *shrugs shoulders*
    Meet me in Cabo!

  11. #11
    Baluchitherium loveevhsince79's Avatar
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    10.23.15 @ 04:49 PM
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    Two words, morning sex. Before the day gets hectic, before the kids are pulling at you and you've heard "Can I have" for the twenty millionth time that day and if you hear one more person ask you for something you will scream, before work pisses you off, before you've run 5 errands after work, before taking the munchkins to all their activities, before you have to help with homework, before you cook dinner and clean up, before throwing a load of laundry in, before, before, before. Go in the bedroom, lock the door, tell the kids you have to "talk" to Mommy, and get a little.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is it's hard to feel like a sexual creature when the day makes you feel like anything but that. But after a good night's sleep, a little nookie can start the day off right.

    And then all the things that KT suggested. You can't go through the day not appreciating the things your wife does for you and your family. It is work and after many years of marriage (20 yrs here, 23 total) it is easy to stop doing the romantic things that turn a woman on. Pretend she is a new acquaintance that you want to take to bed. What would you do to make yourself attractive to her and entice her into bed? And if you think you shouldn't have to work at it because your married, there is a problem. When you're willing to do it for someone new who does nothing for you but not for someone you love and who does, then you can't expect her to feel attractive and desired.

    Just my .02.

  12. #12
    Eruption smme5150's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nitefly5150 View Post
    Ok- here's one. The other night we go to the grocery store, the wife just runs in, I stay in the car. I tell her, "please get hommous, the garlic stuff, not the other stuff". She asks why. "Because I like hommous. Sometimes I need a snack at night, I like hommous". She comes out and says "I got the vegtable hommous instead because it looked so good". She could have got both. She could have pretended to have forgotten, and pretended to be sorry (which she wasn't). She could have called and said "would you mind if I got this other stuff instead?" After all, she asked why we needed it.

    Its funny how silly things can become the symbol everything wrong in our lives. I had an evening ruined by hommous.

    Sometimes I have to go hang out with my thirty-something single friends and hear how its impossible to meet people. I feel better just remembering I have somebody in bed next to me.

    Glad this thread was here.
    See this is what I'm talking about,not just the sex stuff but all the stupid shit you have to deal with being married. They (women) can ruin your day in 5 seconds flat with some dumb shit.

    I have decided that women are made up of the following:

    95% Emotion
    2% Logic
    3% Shit that even scientists don't even know!

  13. #13
    Eruption smme5150's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ktgiles View Post
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAND we have a winner....DINGDINGDINGDINGDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Now, THAT, my friend is how you get a piece of ass with NO complaints from a woman. If she doesn't respond to that, then start exercising those hand muscles b/c you're gonna need them on a very regular basis.

    BE the man (although, of course, never "force" your wife if she says no) and lead her. DON'T TALK ABOUT IT AND DON'T ASK!!! Make it impossible for her to refuse.

    Look, I've been married for 16yrs. and I can truly say that there have only been a few times in our marriage when I didn't want to have sex and my husband did and that was b/c I truly was not feeling well. I say a "few" times...I'm talking I can count the times on ONE hand in 16yrs. Figure out what is important to her (i.e. does she like handwritten little notes that are taped to the bathroom mirror or that she can find in her purse later in the day; does she need to hear that she's beautiful or appreciated; if she DOES feel underappreciated, YOU fixing dinner and cleaning the dishes would prob. get you laid in a nano-second). Really listen to her and figure out what is lacking for her and that will lead you to your pot o' gold, so to speak.

    I'm a woman and I know of that I speak. Unless she has a medical condition where she's not producing enough hormones (or whatever it is), you probably just need to find the right buttons to push. And remember, sex is different for women than for men. For women, it's totally connected to our emotions and how we're feeling about you. It's not to be understood b/c you can't...just like women have a difficult time understanding why it's just a physical act, much of the time, for men (although some of us women do enjoy and need that animalisitc wild sex at times too but for the most part women and men are just wired differently)

    I'm sure that after 15yrs. of marriage, this is NOT new information for you. Sometimes men (and women) need to be reminded that it's going to take some effort. If it's not worth the effort then.... *shrugs shoulders*
    While I appreciate all the advice on how to "be a man", it's not necessary. As you eluded to, I've been around the block a time or two. I have wined and dined, complimented always each and every day, provided untold amounts of house work help daily, showered with flowers and gifts and the whole God Damn deal! The woman is just asexual I've decided!

    However, thanks anyway. I am looking for more stories from everyone else along these lines that every married motherfucker on this board can relate to or get a kick out of!

  14. #14
    Eruption
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    Ok, what if the man is doing all the cooking, the grocery shopping, the laundry and the cleaning and the child rearing? What excuse does a woman have then?
    I think women should consider something; after 10,12,16,20 years, whatever,
    of marriage, if your man wants to have sex with you, it shows that A; he's still interested in you and B; he still thinks you're sexy enough to do some horizontal recreation with. Would you prefer the guy totally ignore you sexually? Is that better?
    Sure, romance is fine, but it always seems like we men have to do this, do that in order to please our women. What about us? When are these women going to invest themselves totally into the relationship? I bet if they did, their lives would improve tenfold. Men are so goddamn confused today that we don't know what to do anymore. Even when we're "told" what to do by the woman, we do it and still don't get the response we were told we would. I don't get it. Was it like this for our fathers and grandfathers? IMO, things are fucked up. Woman are fucked up. I think they prefer it if you treat them like shit and screw around on them, I really do. Then they fight for you. Otherwise, they just sit there being all passive-aggressive.
    And, if the woman doesn't seem interested or emotionally invested, and you seem to be the only one fighting for the relationship, I think the writing is on the wall. We have a right to be happy too.

  15. #15
    Baluchitherium KT's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by smme5150 View Post
    While I appreciate all the advice on how to "be a man", it's not necessary. As you eluded to, I've been around the block a time or two. I have wined and dined, complimented always each and every day, provided untold amounts of house work help daily, showered with flowers and gifts and the whole God Damn deal! The woman is just asexual I've decided!

    However, thanks anyway. I am looking for more stories from everyone else along these lines that every married motherfucker on this board can relate to or get a kick out of!
    I think is IS necessary to be a man just as it IS necessary to be a woman. The needs on both sides need to be met. If you're speaking honestly, then it sounds as if you're doing a good job (from this woman's point of view) addressing the needs of her---or at least what you assume her needs are. Well, if you're doing all those things then good on you and bad on her for not appreciating those things and addressing YOUR needs. However, please don't lump all women together just b/c YOUR wife is "asexual" b/c not ALL of us are as cold as you're making your wife out to be and a lot of us DO want sex just as much as you men do. I'm sorry things aren't going well for you, though.
    Meet me in Cabo!

 

 

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