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  1. #1
    Atomic Punk FORD's Avatar
    Join Date
    01.26.00
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    51
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    The Mighty Pacific Northwest
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    Favorite VH Album

    All 6 of em!!
    Favorite VH Song

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    Last Online

    10.22.17 @ 08:55 PM
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    "Christian" Lenders??

    Normally I try to stick to my own policy of not posting e-mail spam, but this one was too funny to pass up.....



    "Of the 40,000 spam emails I receive each week, the ones that make me
    the most angry are the ones advertising "Christian Lenders," because
    you know they're not Christians. It's an unethical marketing ploy to prey
    upon uneducated Middle Americans who don't realize that Jews actually
    offer the best interest rates.

    Like Satan, I decided to test their faith. I made the following prank call to
    one of these "Christian" lenders (which turned out to be Citibank), to see
    if I could take out a home equity loan against my mortgage.


    CHRISTIAN LENDER: Thank you for calling Citibank, this is Rob. How can
    I help you?


    JOHN HARGRAVE: Hi, my wife and I are looking to take out a home
    equity loan. We're both Christians.

    CL: Okay. Can I have your name, sir?

    JH: John Hargrave. Hey, you know what? Before we begin, would you
    mind if we pray?

    CL: [Pause] Sure.

    JH: Dear Heavenly Father: I just want to thank you, Lord, for your
    goodness and mercy. Jesus, I pray that you will annoint our lips, and
    speak to our hearts, as Rob and I discuss this, our home equity loan.
    Amen.

    CL: All righty.

    JH: Now it's your turn.

    CL: My turn to pray?

    JH: Yes.

    CL: Okay. I just ... er ... [an extremely long pause] ... so, you want to
    establish a home equity loan?


    JH: That wasn't really much of a prayer.

    CL: I'm sorry, sir.

    JH: Were you just praying on the inside?

    CL: Yes I was, sir. Is that OK?

    JH: It didn't feel very sincere. Are you sure you guys are Christian
    lenders?

    CL: Yes sir. I'm Catholic, actually.

    JH: [Disappointed] Oh. Catholic.

    CL: I don't know why this has anything to do with the loan, sir.

    JH: When did you get saved?

    CL: Are we going to discuss being Christian, or are we going to discuss
    getting the loan?


    JH: You do go to church, or mass, or whatever your people call it?

    CL: I'm not sure what that has to do with the issue right now.

    JH: That sounds like a no.

    CL: The issue is that I'm trying to help you out, and you're talking about
    religion.


    JH: Okay, I'm sorry, Rob. Only God judges. Or as we used to say at
    Bible camp, "Only Joshua Judges Ruth!" Ha ha.

    [We discuss the details of my loan for several minutes, and I get pre-
    approved]

    CL: So, is this something you're interested in doing?

    JH: Well, it sounds like a pretty good deal. I can't believe you guys can
    offer these loans with no interest.

    CL: No interest?

    JH: Right.

    CL: [Exasperated] Well, of course there's interest. How's the bank going
    to make money?


    JH: Well Rob, surely you know about Exodus 22:25. "If you lend money
    to one of my people among you who is needy, do not be like a
    moneylender; charge him no interest."

    CL: Why do we got to quote the Christians? Why can't we talk about the loan?

    JH: We are. We're talking about what the Bible says about loans.

    CL: [Sarcastically] Oh, I didn't even know they had loans back then.

    JH: Of course they did.

    CL: [Like I'm an idiot] Oh, they did? Okay, I'm sorry.

    JH: Let's not forget Deuteronomy 23:19: "Do not charge your brother
    interest, whether on money or food or anything else that may earn interest."

    CL: Nice. Did you just make that up?

    JH: No.

    CL: I'll take your word for it.

    JH: Listen, Rob. Can I lead you in a prayer of forgiveness?

    CL: If you want to.

    JH: Dear Lord, we know your Holy Word says that money is the root of
    all evil, but we also remember that Jesus accepted the tax collectors and
    moneychangers, even though they were hated back then as much as
    they are now. We pray your forgiveness for Rob, Lord, and his violation
    of Your Laws, like Leviticus 25:36, "Do not take interest of any kind from
    him, but fear your God..."

    CL: [Interrupting my prayer] Hey John, I'm going to have to go.

    JH: Rob?

    CL: Yeah?

    JH: You've shaken my faith.

    CL: I apologize for that, sir.

    JH: I'm converting to Hinduism.

    CL: OK. You convert to Hinduism, and I'm hanging up.

    Well, the guy was Christ-like in one respect: when he hung up on me, I
    think he was pretty cross.


    John Hargrave, the King of Dot-Comedy, is a performer, speaker, and
    author of the upcoming bestseller Prank the Monkey.
    Eat Us And Smile

    Welcome back, Van HALEN!!!!

    ...It's the BAND and Dave is really the cat that can front VH. He sang his ASS off and was really cool. No cheese here guys, this is filet Mignon! - Steve Lukather's comment after witnessing a Van HALEN 2007 rehearsal

    "What then is this bleating of sheep in my ears?"- 1 Samuel 15:14

  2. #2
    Eruption JasonG5150's Avatar
    Join Date
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    Age
    29
    Location
    Mebane, NC
    Posts
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    Favorite VH Album

    ou812, VH II
    Favorite VH Song

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    07.11.07 @ 10:15 AM
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by FORD View Post
    Normally I try to stick to my own policy of not posting e-mail spam, but this one was too funny to pass up.....



    "Of the 40,000 spam emails I receive each week, the ones that make me
    the most angry are the ones advertising "Christian Lenders," because
    you know they're not Christians. It's an unethical marketing ploy to prey
    upon uneducated Middle Americans who don't realize that Jews actually
    offer the best interest rates.

    Like Satan, I decided to test their faith. I made the following prank call to
    one of these "Christian" lenders (which turned out to be Citibank), to see
    if I could take out a home equity loan against my mortgage.


    CHRISTIAN LENDER: Thank you for calling Citibank, this is Rob. How can
    I help you?


    JOHN HARGRAVE: Hi, my wife and I are looking to take out a home
    equity loan. We're both Christians.

    CL: Okay. Can I have your name, sir?

    JH: John Hargrave. Hey, you know what? Before we begin, would you
    mind if we pray?

    CL: [Pause] Sure.

    JH: Dear Heavenly Father: I just want to thank you, Lord, for your
    goodness and mercy. Jesus, I pray that you will annoint our lips, and
    speak to our hearts, as Rob and I discuss this, our home equity loan.
    Amen.

    CL: All righty.

    JH: Now it's your turn.

    CL: My turn to pray?

    JH: Yes.

    CL: Okay. I just ... er ... [an extremely long pause] ... so, you want to
    establish a home equity loan?


    JH: That wasn't really much of a prayer.

    CL: I'm sorry, sir.

    JH: Were you just praying on the inside?

    CL: Yes I was, sir. Is that OK?

    JH: It didn't feel very sincere. Are you sure you guys are Christian
    lenders?

    CL: Yes sir. I'm Catholic, actually.

    JH: [Disappointed] Oh. Catholic.

    CL: I don't know why this has anything to do with the loan, sir.

    JH: When did you get saved?

    CL: Are we going to discuss being Christian, or are we going to discuss
    getting the loan?


    JH: You do go to church, or mass, or whatever your people call it?

    CL: I'm not sure what that has to do with the issue right now.

    JH: That sounds like a no.

    CL: The issue is that I'm trying to help you out, and you're talking about
    religion.


    JH: Okay, I'm sorry, Rob. Only God judges. Or as we used to say at
    Bible camp, "Only Joshua Judges Ruth!" Ha ha.

    [We discuss the details of my loan for several minutes, and I get pre-
    approved]

    CL: So, is this something you're interested in doing?

    JH: Well, it sounds like a pretty good deal. I can't believe you guys can
    offer these loans with no interest.

    CL: No interest?

    JH: Right.

    CL: [Exasperated] Well, of course there's interest. How's the bank going
    to make money?


    JH: Well Rob, surely you know about Exodus 22:25. "If you lend money
    to one of my people among you who is needy, do not be like a
    moneylender; charge him no interest."

    CL: Why do we got to quote the Christians? Why can't we talk about the loan?

    JH: We are. We're talking about what the Bible says about loans.

    CL: [Sarcastically] Oh, I didn't even know they had loans back then.

    JH: Of course they did.

    CL: [Like I'm an idiot] Oh, they did? Okay, I'm sorry.

    JH: Let's not forget Deuteronomy 23:19: "Do not charge your brother
    interest, whether on money or food or anything else that may earn interest."

    CL: Nice. Did you just make that up?

    JH: No.

    CL: I'll take your word for it.

    JH: Listen, Rob. Can I lead you in a prayer of forgiveness?

    CL: If you want to.

    JH: Dear Lord, we know your Holy Word says that money is the root of
    all evil, but we also remember that Jesus accepted the tax collectors and
    moneychangers, even though they were hated back then as much as
    they are now. We pray your forgiveness for Rob, Lord, and his violation
    of Your Laws, like Leviticus 25:36, "Do not take interest of any kind from
    him, but fear your God..."

    CL: [Interrupting my prayer] Hey John, I'm going to have to go.

    JH: Rob?

    CL: Yeah?

    JH: You've shaken my faith.

    CL: I apologize for that, sir.

    JH: I'm converting to Hinduism.

    CL: OK. You convert to Hinduism, and I'm hanging up.

    Well, the guy was Christ-like in one respect: when he hung up on me, I
    think he was pretty cross.


    John Hargrave, the King of Dot-Comedy, is a performer, speaker, and
    author of the upcoming bestseller Prank the Monkey.
    HAHA brilliant ford, i think he could dodge a bullet
    Rice Burner

    1.The ability to "trick out" your moms civic with high end parts from the automotive section in your local SUPERwal-mart. (watch out for those falling prices!)

    2.Any low end "import" with a foldgers coffee can for a muffler...(the best part of waking up...is foldgers in your cup!)

    3.Usually your average 4 cylinder, front wheel drive car with a park bench for a "spoiler"

  3. #3
    On Fire StonewallVH5150's Avatar
    Join Date
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    Favorite VH Album

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    03.30.15 @ 10:40 PM
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    Default Nice

    That made me laugh quite a bit.

  4. #4
    Atomic Punk ZeoBandit's Avatar
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    Chicago
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    Favorite VH Album

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    12.14.17 @ 05:57 AM
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    Liked 40 Times in 29 Posts


    Donor

    Default

    That was great!
    "What we are dealing with here, is a complete lack of respect for the law" - Jackie Gleason, Smokey and the Bandit

    www.geocaching.com - The site where you are the search engine.

 

 

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