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  1. #1
    Atomic Punk
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    12.11.17 @ 04:37 PM
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    Alex Van Halen’s 1984 Tour Diary



    January 24, 1984: Little Rock, AR
    I love my drums. It’s been driving me categorically bonkers that I haven’t been able to come up with a rockin’ way to show the fans exactly how much I adore my lil’ babies (drums). That all changed tonight in Little Rock during my second drum solo.

    I’m busy pounding mad-beats on my Luddies when all of a sudden Michael Anthony starts pouring Jack Daniels all over my right-most bass drum. Something hits me when the cannon fires—not a cannon ball, but an idea! I jump over my kit and begin licking the J.D. off of my drums. The more I lick, the more Michael Anthony pours, until it becomes apparent that I plan to give my entire drum kit a thorough tongue-bath.

    I’m positive that every rock ‘n roller in the Barton Coliseum tonight left with a firm understanding of just how much I worship my skins. That is, unless they assume I was showing my love for the J.D. I mean, I love J.D. too, but I hope there’s no confusion.

    January 29, 1984: Birmingham, AL
    We went out to dinner before the show and decided to ask our opening act Autograph to join us. What a great group of guys! David Lee came up with this crazy idea that our bands should get fake-married to each other as a way of symbolizing the new friendship. Both bands unanimously agreed that it was the best idea we’d ever heard in our entire lives. I fake-proposed to drummer Keni Richards, who whole-heartedly accepted.

    Things momentarily soured when Edward’s new partner Steven Lynch expressed his annoyance with Edward’s decision to eat his meal with his back to the table. All the madness was remedied after Edward explained that he was simply “guarding his chewing technique from the rest of us.” Duh!

    February 7, 1984: Dayton, OH
    I bought a new drum. The drum I bought rules and is heavy.

    February 14, 1984: Charlotte, NC
    Apparently the salesman at Casey’s Drums in downtown Charlotte thinks he’s some kinda drum wizard. Mr. Drum Flunky tried to tell me that it’s physically impossible to play a kit with a quintuple bass drum. I told him that I do it every night in arenas across the country. At which point, Mr. Non-Drummer tried to tell me that I’m not actually playing all five bass drums at once because I only have two feet and that the only way to play all five bass drums at once would be to assemble a special drum pedal with the capability of simultaneously pounding all the bass drums at once, which, according to him, would be “stupid and make no real difference in the overall sound.” He proceeded to explain to me that my quintuple bass drum setup sounds no different than a double bass drum setup. I was crazy-pissed, but I told him that I saw his point. I ordered a sixth bass drum and the fella turned out to be a good sport, as he threw in a pair of magic drumsticks at no extra charge!

    March 22, 1984: Buffalo, NY
    Sweetness! Somehow, someway my performance tonight broke the stage at Buffalo Memorial Auditorium! It was pure, unadulterated sweetness. And anybody who knows anything about Mr. Alexander Van Halen knows that sweetness is my weakness!

    Unfortunately, I was so weakened by the sweetness that I couldn’t attend the after show party, which according to David Lee, turned out to be the best after show party to date. Michael Anthony mistook his bottle of Jack Daniels—the kind you can drink—for his Jack Daniels signature bass—the kind you can play—and plugged it into an amplifier! Needless to say, Michael Anthony was electrocuted!

    Apparently, after two hours of Michael Anthony’s unconscious, shake-fest, Edward threatened to urinate on another Mad-Anthony signature: The Tobasco Bottle Shaped Bass. Needless to say, Michael Anthony leaped to his feet and fucking smacked Edward into next millennium before a drop of piss even thought about hitting the spicy bass!

    Which reminds me, I’m supposed to get some drums shaped like non-drum things or else I’m out of the band. Here’s my list so far:
    • Flying Gurnards
    • Guitars
    • Hot Chick’s Bodies
    • Alex Van Halens
    • Tartar Sauce Bottles


    April 17, 1984: Toronto, ON
    The Velcros are our new opening act and they blow. I will never fake-marry any of them! We took to calling them "The Vel-blows" until we finally had to admit to ourselves that it’s a pretty weak nickname. Fortunately for us, "Van Sucken" was equally pathetic.

    July 16, 1984: Dallas, TX
    Well, tonight was the last show of our biggest tour to date and I’m beat like a drum. We now get a month break before heading off to Europe for the Monsters of Rock Tour. My goal is to become Germany’s Chancellor of Rock!

    God has answered my prayers and given the lead singer of The Velcros bone cancer.
    "Watch what people are cynical about, and one can often discover what they lack.” -- Gen. George S. Patton

  2. #2
    Eruption
    Join Date
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    Munich, Germany
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    Favorite VH Album

    VH1,FW,1984,5150,FUCK,ADKOT
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    changes every week,love em all
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    12.15.16 @ 02:14 AM
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    Default

    Would be interesting if it wasn't fake.

  3. #3
    Eruption servoguy101's Avatar
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    Favorite VH Album

    BOBW
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    Crossing over
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    04.03.12 @ 11:26 AM
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    some people have tooooo much time on their hands....
    Sam, Dave,Gary... who cares. its all about what makes you feel good.

  4. #4
    Banned! The Tom's Avatar
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    02.05.07 @ 08:46 PM
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    "I bought a new drum. The drum I bought rules and is heavy."
    Thats about all I could believe to be AVHs words.

  5. #5
    Atomic Punk smithjc's Avatar
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    04.12.00
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    Favorite VH Album

    Women & Children First
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    Fools/All things Halenized
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    08.04.17 @ 11:33 PM
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    Donor

    Default

    Nice for a chuckle or two tho.
    RIP - Classic Van Halen

    "A lot of people take Van Halen more seriously than we do." The Diamond One



  6. #6
    5150
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    07.31.17 @ 10:58 PM
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    Default

    its sad someone has this much time on their hands to fake this.

  7. #7
    Atomic Punk MF5150's Avatar
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    Toronto
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    Favorite VH Album

    Balance
    Favorite VH Song

    Seventh Seal/Me Wise Magic
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    12.14.17 @ 04:54 PM
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    Liked 413 Times in 248 Posts

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by The Tom View Post
    "I bought a new drum. The drum I bought rules and is heavy."
    Thats about all I could believe to be AVHs words.
    I was gone put that as one of my sigs I thought it was so good.
    My man, when you are fantasizing, don't go for attainable, you can get attainable at the local Applebee's. - Dave's Dreidel

  8. #8
    Good Enough vhrocker's Avatar
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    "Mean Street", Oklahoma
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    Favorite VH Album

    The one I'm listenin' to.
    Favorite VH Song

    Can't pick just one
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    01.21.15 @ 08:57 AM
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by The Tom View Post
    "I bought a new drum. The drum I bought rules and is heavy."
    Cool words to live by.
    ALEX IS GOD!!!

    I've been doin' this for 'bout 20 years now, and I'll tell ya, to this day I still don't know the right drumstick from the left drumstick -Alex Van Halen


 

 

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