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Thread: Band Rules

  1. #1
    On Fire Warmoth's Avatar
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    12.20.12 @ 07:26 AM
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    Default Band Rules

    Band Rules


    When requesting a song from the band, just say "play ... my song!"
    We have chips implanted in our heads with an unlimited database of
    the favorite tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar and all
    songs ever recorded, so feel free to be vague. We love the

    If we say we really don't remember that tune you want, we're only
    kidding. Bands actually do know every song ever recorded, so keep
    humming. Hum harder if need be... it helps jog our memory, or just
    repeat your request over and over again.

    If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they
    either forgot they know the tune or they are just putting you on.
    Try singing a few words for the band. Any words will do.
    It also helps to scream your request from across the room several
    times per set followed by the phrases, "AW COME ON!" and, "YOU
    SUCK!" Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from the
    dance floor are a big help as well, such as the thumbs down or your
    middle finger up. Put-downs are the best way to jog a band's
    memory. This instantly promotes you to the status of "Personal
    Friend Of The Band." You can bet your request will be the next song
    we play.

    Entertainers are notorious fakers and jokesters and never really
    prepare for their shows. They simply walk on stage with no prior
    thought to what they will do once they arrive. We don't actually
    make set lists or rehearse songs. We mostly just wait for you to
    yell something out, then fake it.

    An entertainer's job is so easy, even a monkey could do it, so don't
    let them off the hook easily. Your request is all that matters.
    Once you've figured out what genre of music the band plays, please
    make your requests from a totally different genre. The more
    exaggerated the better. If its a big band playing, yell for some
    Metallica or Slayer or Pantera. Likewise, if its a Latin band, be
    sure to request Brown-eyed Girl or some Grateful Dead. Musicians
    need to constantly broaden their musical horizons, and its your job
    to see that it happens....immediately.


    The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way
    is at the middle of a song when several band members are singing at
    the same time. Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick out your
    tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around us.
    And we can converse with you in sign language while singing the song,
    so don't worry that we're in the middle of the chorus.

    Musicians a re expert lip readers too. If a musician does not reply
    to your question or comment during a tune, it's because they didn't
    get a good look at your mouth in order to read your lips. Simply
    continue to scream your request and be sure to over emphasize the
    words with your lips. This helps immensely. Don't be fooled.
    Singers have the innate ability to answer questions and sing at the
    same time. If the singer doesn't answer your questions immediately,
    regardless of how stupid the question may seem, it's because they are
    purposely ignoring you. If this happens, immediately cop an
    attitude. We love this.


    When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her
    head in both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding
    their head securely so they cannot pull away. This will be taken as
    an invitation to a friendly and playful game of tug of war between
    their head and your hands. Don't give up! Hang on until the singer
    or guitar player submits. Drummers are often safe from this fun game
    since they usually sit in the back, protected by the guitar players.
    Keyboard players are protected by their instrument, and only play the
    game when tricked into coming from behind their keyboards. Though
    difficult to get them to play, it's not impossible, so keep trying.
    They're especially vulnerable during the break between songs.


    If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band will
    appreciate help with the next few tunes, or however long you can
    remain standing on stage. If you're too drunk to stand unassisted,
    simply lean on one of the band members or the most expensive piece of
    equipment you see. Just pretend you're in a Karaoke bar. Simply
    feel free to walk up on stage and join in. By the way, the drunker
    you are, the better you sound, and the louder you should sing. If by
    chance you fall off the stage, be sure to crawl back up and attempt
    to sing harmony. Keep in mind that nothing assists the band more
    than outrageous dancing, fifth and sixth part harmonies,or a
    tambourine played on one and three and out of tempo. Try the
    cowbell; they love the challenge. The band always needs the help and
    will take this as a compliment.

    Finally, the microphone and PA system are merely props, they don't
    really amplify your voice,
    so when you grab the mic out of the
    singers hand be sure to scream into it at the top of your lungs,
    otherwise no one will hear what a great singer you are. Hearing is
    over-rated anyway. The crowd and the sound guy will love you for it.


    As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get on
    stage and start playing their instruments. They love this. Even if
    you are ejected from the club, you can rest assured in the fact you
    have successfully completed your audition. The band will call you
    immediately the following day to offer you a position.

    See you at the next gig....
    As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
    - John Lennon

  2. #2
    Romeo Delight
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    09.18.08 @ 10:43 AM
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    I will take note!

    Very funny!

  3. #3
    Atomic Punk sixstring's Avatar
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    07.23.14 @ 01:02 PM
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    "20 minutes (late to work)? Shit. Last year I woke up three weeks too late.
    My advice is to go for the alien abduction story. Look bemused, dishevelled and on the verge of tears as you recount your story of intrusive and degrading medical tests.
    Worked for me anyway. I still have colleagues asking me what it is like to fuck a green womanoid with seventeen breasts.
    Alternatively just walk in and inform everyone that alcoholism is indeed a disease and that they should be less judgemental and perhaps a little more supportive."
    - graeme on the addiction to this place.

    "something tells me that after the nuclear holocaust, there'll be twinkies, cockroaches, and a dave vs. sammy argument going on somewhere".
    - han valen, 6.11.04

    "in my best "saw" scary movie voice: "oh, yes, there will be beagles."
    - hatchetforce, 6.7.06



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