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  1. #1
    Eruption
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    06.08.07 @ 12:27 PM
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    Default "new" gospels challenge "old" ideas of religion...

    as many of you have read recently in the news, a number of "new" gospels have recently been "discovered" and are shedding new light (and raising questions) on the Bible and the fundamental western understanding of our judeao-Christian heritage.

    acutally, these gospels are not entirely new. many have been known about for years but, for some reason or another, are not very well known outside of certain circles.

    at the risk of offending some, the following is one of the "new" gospels that i, personally, believe is one of THE most important and meaningful in helping mankind cope with the challenges of this life. it's my sincere hope that after reading it you will incorporate its many Truths into your daily lives:

    Gospel of John Moses Browning

    1 In the beginning was the 1911, and the 1911 was THE pistol, and it was good. And behold the Lord said, "Thou shalt not muck with my disciple John's design for it is good and it workith. For John made the 1911, and lo all of his weapons, from the designs which I, the Lord, gave him upon the mountain."

    2 "And shouldst thou muck with it, and hang all manner of foul implements upon it, and profane its internal parts, thou shalt surely have malfunctions, and in the midst of battle thou shalt surely come to harm."

    3 And as the ages passed men in their ignorance and arrogance didst forget the word of the Lord and began to profane the 1911. The tribe of the gamesman did place recoil spring guides and extended slide releases upon the 1911 and their metal smiths didst tighten the tolerances and alter parts to their liking, their clearness of mind being clouded by lust.

    4 Their artisans did hang all manner of foul implements upon the 1911 and did so alter it that it became impractical to purchase. For lo, the artisans didst charge a great tax upon the purchasers of the 1911 so that the lowly field worker could not afford one. And the profaning of the internal parts didst render it unworkable when the dust of the land fell upon it.

    5 And lo, they didst install adjustable sights, which are an abomination unto the Lord. For they doth break and lose their zero when thou dost need true aim. And those who have done so will be slain in great numbers by their enemies in the great battle. (a)

    6 And it came to pass that the Lord didst see the abomination wrought by man and didst cause, as he had warned, fearful malfunctions to come upon the abominations and upon the artisans who thought they could do no wrong.

    7 Seeing the malfunctions and the confusion of men, the lord of the underworld did see an opportunity to further ensnare man and didst bring forth pistols made of plastic, whose form was such that they looked and felt like a brick, yet the eyes of man being clouded, they were consumed by the plastic pistol and did buy vast quantities of them.

    8 And being a deceitful spirit the lord of the underworld did make these plastic pistols unamenable to the artisans of earth and they were unable to muck much with the design, and lo these pistols did appear to function.

    9 And the evil one also brought forth pistols in which the trigger didst both cock and fire them and which require a "dingus" to make them appear safe.

    10 But man being stupid did not understand these new pistols and didst proceed to shoot themselves with the plastic pistol and with the trigger cocking pistols for lo their manual of arms required great intelligence which man had long since forsaken. Yet man continued to gloat over these new pistols blaming evil forces for the negligent discharges which they themselves had committed.

    11 And when man had been totally ensnared with the plastic pistol, the lord of the underworld didst cause a plague of the terrible Ka-Boom to descend upon man and the plastic pistols delivered their retribution upon men. And there was a great wailing and gnashing of teeth in the land.

    12 Then seeing that the eyes of man were slowly being opened and that man was truly sorrowful for his sinful misdeeds, the Lord did send his messengers in the form of artisans who did hear and obey the teachings of the prophet and who didst restore the profaned 1911s to their proper configuration, and lo, to the amazement of men they didst begin to work as the prophet had intended.

    13 And the men of the land didst drive out the charlatans and profaners from the land, and there was joy and peace in the land, except for the evil sprits which tried occasionally to prey on the men and women of the land and who were sent to the place of eternal damnation (b) by the followers of John.

    ---------------------------------------

    (a ) Several old manuscripts add the following text. "And they [also rendered as "these men"] didst chamber it for cartridges who's calibers startith with numbers less than the Holy Number 4. And lo the Lord did cause great grief amongst these men when their enemies who were struck in battle with these lesser numbers didst not fall but did continue to cause great harm."
    (b) or Hell.

    For the faithful, the feast day of St. John Moses Browning is January 23.

  2. #2
    Good Enough ZORBA5150's Avatar
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    12.12.17 @ 05:19 PM
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    Default

    This is obviously some protestant preacher.

  3. #3
    Atomic Punk
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    05.31.14 @ 08:17 PM
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ZORBA5150
    This is obviously some protestant preacher.
    Actually, Browning was God.

    I like Browning's daughter, Ma Duce.
    "Nothing is ever what it seems but everything is exactly what it is." - B. Banzai


    My Blog:

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  4. #4
    Master Bluesman Elwood P.'s Avatar
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    12.12.17 @ 10:03 PM
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    Nice, but where does the prophet Samuel Colt belong in your gospel?
    "I'm the opposite of Bill Cosby. Diamond Dave always gets your approval." (DLR)

    "Kids, just say NO to marriage". (Al Bundy)

    Rawhide in "A"

    OAA

  5. #5
    Atomic Punk
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    Yes, the Book of Colt, the Book of Stoner.

    Praise be.
    "Nothing is ever what it seems but everything is exactly what it is." - B. Banzai


    My Blog:

    http://axxman300tool.blogspot.com/

    http://www.myspace.com/axxman300

 

 

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