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  1. #1
    carpe damn diem billy007's Avatar
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    12.14.17 @ 06:29 PM
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    Default What would you do? (Step kid situation)

    I am not the father of my oldest son - I only met him when he was 5. His "father" basically turned his back right around the time he was born, and he has never met him. But it's been the one thing my son has seemingly wanted since I've known him, and I have no problem with that. My understanding is that before I met his mom, the guy flew them out to Nevada to meet, and then noshowed. So he's unfulfilled. He has had calls to him sporadically, but then the guy goes back under his rock (in Los Angeles). So while he's still trying to get in touch (via the guy's parents, who live in Las Vegas), we have planned to fly to California in a couple of weeks during his school break, hoping to be able to arrange a meeting once and for all. My wife doesn't know if she still has his address, but we have the parents' address in Las Vegas. I left them a message last night to see if they'll meet him, but he's left them messages as well without hearing back. He wants to just walk up to the door and knock - I'm not sure that would be the right thing (or legal thing) to do. Any ideas?

  2. #2
    Good Enough Phatie's Avatar
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    I've been a step-father (almost), and didn't meet my real father until I was 12 - what a long-strange trip its been since then... How old is the kid? I caught the part about him being 5, but he's older now??

    It may be best, if the kid is under 18, to wait until he's older and don't push it too much. Especially if the father is a rotten role model, you don't want any of that to rub off on the young, impressionable person who might copy dad's behavior and become distant, run away, etc. to be more like the absent creep.

    That's what I think anyway.. so TIFWIW

  3. #3
    carpe damn diem billy007's Avatar
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    Default

    Oh, yeah, he's 14 now - sometimes wise beyond his years, others sinking to the levels of his younger brothers! But my wife doesn't consider the guy a bad guy overall - she doesn't know why he's been like this. She was young, but she says he's my age. And as I mentioned, the boy has talked to him on the phone, but there's never been any consistent communication between them. The guy's never asked him not to call, not to try and see him or any of that stuff

  4. #4
    Hang 'Em High perticelli's Avatar
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    11.30.15 @ 02:22 PM
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    i lived this. My dad left when i was 2, didnt see him again til i was 13 or so, then not again for many years.
    now, we're pretty close.
    It's a real tough choice for you..your son wants to meet his biological father..he's in his teens, he's becoming a man slowly and goiung through alot of changes..he wants to see where he came from, so to speak.All understandable.
    On the other hand, this guy IS hurting him by his noshows..and what should you expect considering he walked out all those yrs ago..he's probably scared off his ass..he has to face that which he loves, but is afraid of the judgement..sometimes, his fantasy is better..or at least safer...
    Personally, i wouldnt mention any meeting to your son until YOU have met the guy and work out a real meeting commitment.
    In any case, if you and your son have a close relationship and you guys are open and honest to each other, no matter what you end up doing will be ok.
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  5. #5
    Baluchitherium loveevhsince79's Avatar
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    10.23.15 @ 04:49 PM
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    My biggest question would be how your son would handle the possible rejection. Is it going to crush him and leave him wondering even more about his biological family? Will he feel like it must be him personally that they do not want anything to do with or will he see they are probably just running from their past in general? My first priority would be that he can handle whatever the outcome might be and talking out all the possibly scenarios.

    By the way, it's great that you are being so accommodating to help him work through this situation. Some step parents don't deal with this sort of thing very well.

    As for whether or not it's legal, it would be legal the first time you knock at the door but if they order you off the property, you could get into trespassing issues.

  6. #6
    PM Goo with your concerns OLO's Avatar
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    12.14.17 @ 01:36 AM
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    I agree with Pert, I think the best thing to do is for you and your wife to meet with the guy and set a time and place that you all agree on.

    I think just dropping in on him is a bad idea.
    ((Just My Two Cents))
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    Niners Fan! SactoFan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OLO
    I agree with Pert, I think the best thing to do is for you and your wife to meet with the guy and set a time and place that you all agree on.

    I think just dropping in on him is a bad idea.
    This is a good idea especially if the guy is a loser...If it helps, billy, I went through the same thing. My step dad is as solid as they come, but I needed to clear accounts with my father. I did and only respected and loved my step dad more because he was the guy who was there everyday teaching me how to live...

    It'll be o.k., but definitely plan ahead...
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  8. #8
    Atomic Punk LLFHS's Avatar
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    Thanks for the reminder to stock up for the weekend, guys.



    Sheesh.....I don't know how you dads do it.
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  9. #9
    Niners Fan! SactoFan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LowLifeFlatHeadScum
    Thanks for the reminder to stock up for the weekend, guys.



    Sheesh.....I don't know how you dads do it.
    At least we don't have to wear those damn things...ugh!
    Can't stop...addicted to the shindig...

  10. #10
    Summer Nights in Cabo SNIC's Avatar
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    10.19.17 @ 06:44 PM
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    Quote Originally Posted by perticelli
    i lived this. My dad left when i was 2, didnt see him again til i was 13 or so, then not again for many years.
    now, we're pretty close.
    It's a real tough choice for you..your son wants to meet his biological father..he's in his teens, he's becoming a man slowly and goiung through alot of changes..he wants to see where he came from, so to speak.All understandable.
    On the other hand, this guy IS hurting him by his noshows..and what should you expect considering he walked out all those yrs ago..he's probably scared off his ass..he has to face that which he loves, but is afraid of the judgement..sometimes, his fantasy is better..or at least safer...
    Personally, i wouldnt mention any meeting to your son until YOU have met the guy and work out a real meeting commitment.
    In any case, if you and your son have a close relationship and you guys are open and honest to each other, no matter what you end up doing will be ok.
    I have lived it too. My dad saw me when I was 3 weeks old for the last time. He had went off to the Marines and him and mom parted ways. I finally found him back in 1997. Called him on the phone. That's how we met. I think that is a good ice breaker. Then talked to him one other time to arrange us driving up from Florida to South Carolina to meet him and my half sister. Then he dies three days before I am supposed to meet him. But I really recommend they talk on the phone first. Will make meeting in person easier.
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  11. #11
    Sinner's Swing! racefan8's Avatar
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    04.01.11 @ 07:59 PM
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    I'm concurring with all here (except Scum... fubbers are gross) . Try to explain to the boy that there's a good chance he'll be let down, and that it has no bearing on the person he is. Some kids take it personally - like there is something wrong with them that the parent would not want to meet them. Make sure he knows he is a complete person regardless if he meets his biological father or not.
    Also, maybe keep trying through the man's parents, and explain that the no shows are damaging to the boy. Maybe he'd settle with meeting just them for now.
    It's interesting how some kids have this need to know, and some kids could not care less. My sister in law was adopted by her step dad, and had such a wonderful childhood that she has never given her sperm donor a second thought.
    Anyway, your best bet is to listen to the boy's feelings on the matter and just go with your gut. He's at an age where nothing makes sense. I hope it works out for you and your stepson. Good luck.
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  12. #12
    Atomic Punk smithjc's Avatar
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    08.04.17 @ 11:33 PM
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    I agree with your comments rf, great minds think alike.

    I'm sorry that you're having to go thru this B007. We kinda went thru the same thing but I decided that I'm gonna wait til my son's 21 and then he can decide for himself if he ever wants to meet his dad. I wouldn't even call the guy that, the sperm donor maybe?? I don't say anything bad about his dad, but his dad wants nothing to do with him anyways so my son doesn't really know about him. Its for the best tho b/c his dad's not a good role model at all.

    Jeez, mom sure can pick the winners!!
    Anyways, you should wait and try and see if you guys can meet the dad first and see what kind of person he is as mentioned earlier.
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  13. #13
    Hang 'Em High perticelli's Avatar
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    11.30.15 @ 02:22 PM
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    Quote Originally Posted by LowLifeFlatHeadScum
    Thanks for the reminder to stock up for the weekend, guys.



    Sheesh.....I don't know how you dads do it.
    As was said, we dont have to mess with these anymore..

    But how often is it that SHE whips one out before you do?
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  14. #14
    carpe damn diem billy007's Avatar
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    12.14.17 @ 06:29 PM
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    Default

    No return call from the "grandparents" yet - it's really puzzling because they have had phone dialogue with him before (just as their son has). My son's mother tried to talk to him last night and make him see the light - thing is, he probably does, he's just too stubborn to admit it.

    My sister's oldest son went through a similar thing. My sister and her first husband got divorced, I don't know, maybe when my nephew was 4 or 5 and moved away and had little to no contact with his two sons. My nephew was a pretty angry kid growing up - probably didn't help that my sister remarried and proceeded to produce 5 more kids over a 6 year span! He still gets in too much trouble. He did finally get a chance to go out to Michigan (where his father is/was) and see his father for the first time in years, have never really talked to him though about it.

    Seems to run in my family though as my Mom's dad...

    Thanks everyone so far for your input - feel free to add more as it comes to you!

  15. #15
    Sinner's Swing! racefan8's Avatar
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    04.01.11 @ 07:59 PM
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    I think a big issue is if the child had the father in their life and the father left, as opposed to the donor jumping ship immediately. Your boy was 5 when you met him. But, was the father around up until then? Maybe he has a good memory about the man and wants to see if he can still have that kind of relationship with him. I do agree that it is odd that the gp's aren't trying to foster any further contact and that the man himself is so wishy washy. Maybe they are afraid y'all will try for child support. That's the only thing I can think of for them not agreeing to a meeting.

    Your wife knows what the man is like, at least what he was 15 yrs ago. If she's ok with them meeting, that does say something. But I tend to think that a decent man worth his salt would want to meet his child. So maybe this guy is better off left in the shadows until the boy is mature enough to see that man for who he is.
    Stupid is forever, ignorance can be fixed.
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