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  1. #1
    Atomic Punk
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    12.11.17 @ 04:37 PM
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    Default RESIST THE CHURCH OF VAN HALENISM

    /// found this on another msg board... it's dated Sat Aug 21, 2004 ///

    ------

    Van Halen has this cult/religious following thing going on, wherein music journalists (who are usually clueless) and genuine fans and musicians (who should know better) respect this band musically. The reality is far different...

    First, every record this band has done since "Fair Warning" is complete crapp. Given that "Fair Warning" was released in April of 1981, that is 23 years of junk now boys. Rent some pride.

    Second, the dumbest public act I have ever seen is Michael Anthony playing a bass solo on a Jack Daniels bottle-shaped bass while wearing a big foam cowboy hat ("Diver Down" tour). Dude was jumping around and slamming his bass like a complete chimp. The crowd got strangely quiet while watching this, as it realized that Mikey was completely embarrassing himself at the same time that he was too clueless to even know it. Mikey is a fair bassist, by the way -- far from excellent. I have played with significantly better.

    Third, this band's choice of cover tunes has been cartoonish. When they can't write a single, they cover the likes of Linda Ronstat, Roy Orbison, and Martha and the Vandellas. Yeah, and Twisted Sister did "Leader of the Pack" once. Proving that doing the likes of this is a musical cop out to the forces of careerism and a lack of ideas.

    Fourth, Ted Templeman is a terrible producer. Listen to "Van Halen" on headphones -- the guitar is all in the right channel, the bass all in the left, and the vocals are way too high in the mix. And that is the best sounding Van Halen record Teddy fukked up/was involved in. Later VH releases massacred by Templeman feature Alex Van Halen's mindless snare drumming being way too high in the mix, and Michael Anthony's backing vocals (which were chorused on the debut so as to avoid this) sounding whiny.

    Fifth, Sammy Hagar. There hasn't been a good song since.

    Sixth, Eddie Van Halen is an excellent guitarist, but is overrated. No way does he deserve the groupthinking "best ever" accolades that he mindlessly and often gets from the music media. First, to get the very cool guitar sound on "Van Halen" (which he "dumbed down" on later releases), Edward borrowed Tom Scholz's crunchy overdrive, and added a bit more bass and alot of echo. That's it folks -- no revolution here. Second, among modern shredders Randy Rhoads, Yngwie Malmsteen, Vinnie Moore, Vinnie Vincent, and George Lynch, among others, have all clearly exceeded Edward.

    Seventh, there is a guitar de-tuning gadget out there called a "D-Tuna," the sale and use of which Edward Van Halen endorses. When I got my new Kramer Baretta, it had one. I had heard in the middle 90s that the things don't work, and for once the rumor mill was right. Yo, Ed, you don't need the money. Why rip off other guitarists like this?

    Eighth, one of my most important measures of a guitarist is the ability to write solos that fit the song. On "Van Halen," Edward did a great job of this. Since then it has been all downhill, and quickly. Listen to the solo Edward did for Michael Jackson's "Thriller" for a mindless collection of random notes played fast. Not for the first time folks, and far from the last. Anybody who thinks that mindless collections of random notes played fast makes for a great guitarist (ie Michael Jackson) is an idiot. Randy Rhoads just destroys Edward in this department (among others).

    Ninth, Alex Van Halen is a buttock. All idiot does is bang on his snare drum like a chimp. Listen closely to all Van Halen albums after the debut, and you will hear the snare too high in the mix, as Alex masturbates away in a chimp-like fury. Look, Alex, any chimp/idiot can bang out a 4/4 beat, complete with masturbatory snare drum. Go listen to some Bill Ward or Keith Moon for information about an amazing invention you have never heard of called "tom toms," and "runs across the drum set."

    Tenth, these songs from "Van Halen" are all truly great:
    - Runnin' With the Devil (3:32)
    - Eruption (1:42)
    - Ain't Talkin' 'bout Love (3:37)
    - I'm the One (3:44)
    - Atomic Punk (3:00)
    - On Fire (3:01)

    OK FOLKS, THAT IS 18 MINUTES AND 40 SECONDS OF GREAT MUSIC. VAN HALEN HAS NEVER APPROACHED THAT LEVEL SINCE. TO ALL VAN HALEN APOLOGISTS / FANS OUT THERE, I SAY THIS: THOSE SONGS WERE WRITTEN OVER 25 YEARS AGO. EVERYTHING SINCE IS LARGELY CRAPP. GET A LIFE!

    Eleventh, "Van Halen II" is horrible. Once Edward made some money, he obviously didn't give a damn anymore. I figure the embarrassment of "Van Halen II" being so genuinely bad drove Edward to at least try on "Women and Children First" and "Fair Warning" before he gave up trying to be an artist altogether.

    Twelth, anybody who needs a twelth after those eleven points can't get their shoes tied in the morning.
    "Watch what people are cynical about, and one can often discover what they lack.” -- Gen. George S. Patton

  2. #2
    Atomic Punk sixstring's Avatar
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    Default

    What a wanker...
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]


    "20 minutes (late to work)? Shit. Last year I woke up three weeks too late.
    My advice is to go for the alien abduction story. Look bemused, dishevelled and on the verge of tears as you recount your story of intrusive and degrading medical tests.
    Worked for me anyway. I still have colleagues asking me what it is like to fuck a green womanoid with seventeen breasts.
    Alternatively just walk in and inform everyone that alcoholism is indeed a disease and that they should be less judgemental and perhaps a little more supportive."
    - graeme on the addiction to this place.

    "something tells me that after the nuclear holocaust, there'll be twinkies, cockroaches, and a dave vs. sammy argument going on somewhere".
    - han valen, 6.11.04

    "in my best "saw" scary movie voice: "oh, yes, there will be beagles."
    - hatchetforce, 6.7.06

  3. #3
    Atomic Punk TheresOnlyOneWay's Avatar
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    11.30.17 @ 11:15 AM
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    Default

    Brilliant.
    Last edited by TheresOnlyOneWay; 02.23.06 at 02:51 PM.
    Sammy did the impossible. He made Van Halen better. Deal with it.
    Michael did the impossible. He made Van Halen better. Deal with it.
    --------------------------
    IAMA I am a stage hand for big mainstream artists. (self.IAmA)

    Q: who was the biggest douche that you have worked with?

    A: Eddie Van Halen hands down he threatened all the stage hands that if we wernt all pushed to the side when he got off stage that he would "bash our faces in"

    Now the new David-Lee-Roth-Van Halen album, “Tokyo Dome In Concert,” is available for purchase, and it’s super, super, super, super, super, super, crazy bad. - Doug Elfman

  4. #4
    Good Enough ZORBA5150's Avatar
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    12.11.17 @ 04:30 PM
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    Default

    As soon as I saw that Vinnie Vincent is better than Eddie, all credibility was lost.

  5. #5
    Atomic Punk smithjc's Avatar
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    08.04.17 @ 11:33 PM
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    And thirteenth - who the eff wrote this piece of crap????

    What an idiot.

    He's got thismuch talent.
    Last edited by smithjc; 02.23.06 at 02:51 PM.
    RIP - Classic Van Halen

    "A lot of people take Van Halen more seriously than we do." The Diamond One



  6. #6
    Atomic Punk
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ZORBA5150
    As soon as I saw that Vinnie Vincent is better than Eddie, all credibility was lost.
    <LOL>
    "Watch what people are cynical about, and one can often discover what they lack.” -- Gen. George S. Patton

  7. #7
    Eruption lal5150's Avatar
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    06.16.12 @ 03:16 PM
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    wow dlr really sounds pissed.

  8. #8
    Baluchitherium BOMBER's Avatar
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    08.21.17 @ 12:46 AM
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by sixstring
    What a wanker...
    What I wanted to type.
    E.F.C - 1897
    1901,11,12,23,24,42,46,49,50,62,65,84,85,93
    2000,14.

  9. #9
    On Fire the_jake5150's Avatar
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    03.30.16 @ 10:14 PM
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    Default

    Haha that was funny.
    The guy who wrote that is a testicle tapper. He just can't understand how to tap with his guitar so he taps with his testicles.

    Really if you say that Randy Rhoads among the others destroys Eddie you must have your ears in your ass.
    The Atomic Drunk!

  10. #10
    Hang 'Em High Blind Lemon Loons's Avatar
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    12.03.17 @ 07:20 AM
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    Donor

    The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind

    The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
    ASHES TO ASHES...DUST TO DUST...IF THE WOMEN DON'T GET YA, THE WHISKEY MUST!!...

    "I used to play the blues alone in all the local joints," he explained. 'The only thing that I can really play on guitar to this day is the blues. I heard Doc Watson and his son playing 15 years ago, and from there I got into Leadbelly and John Lee Hooker."--DLR

    If you pay attention -- what I sing, the guitar sings, too, and what the guitar says, I say.--Mississippi Fred McDowell

  11. #11
    Baluchitherium Rovus's Avatar
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    07.09.11 @ 09:31 PM
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    Default

    Listen to "Van Halen" on headphones -- the guitar is all in the right channel, the bass all in the left, and the vocals are way too high in the mix.

    Sounds like someone can't afford 2 speakers. The same can be said for "Galileo" in Bohemian Rhapsody, going left then right.
    Bobby Cohn: Who's going to be at Waynestock?
    Wayne Campbell: Um, uh...Aerosmith & Pearl Jam!
    Garth Algar: Ha ha ha ha ho!
    Bobby: Who else?
    Garth: Uh, me...and...and Wayne...
    Wayne: ...and uh...VAN HALEN!!!
    Garth: Wow. Van Halen. Who else?
    Bobby: Yeah, who else?
    Wayne: Uh, an old man fashioning a kayak out of a log?

    - Wayne's World 2

    "God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time." - Robin Williams

    "Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential." - Winston Churchill

  12. #12
    Eruption EVHWolf's Avatar
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    I must have misse the whole "the music journalists love Van Halen" thing...
    For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge the New England Fucking Patriots, Dallas Fucking Cowboys, New York Fucking Giants, Washington Fucking Redskins, Carolina Fucking Panthers, Tampa Bay Fucking Bucs, Florida Fucking Marlins, Atlanta Fucking Braves, New York Fucking Mets, Boston Fucking Red Sox, Boston Fucking Bruins, and New Jersey Fucking Devils.

    ( . Y . ) Boobs!

    \m/ \m/
    / / v \ \

  13. #13
    Sinner's Swing! jimmy's Avatar
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    04.29.16 @ 07:05 AM
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    Default

    Anyone who uses the word "shredder" doesn't get Ed or what he was/is about.

    D-Tuna works fine for me...since 1997 or so...still working.

    Comaring Ed's tone to TS from Boston...that's a good one.....not even Ed's modern tone is close to Boston.

    "5150" is a fantastic songs with Sammy.

    Hell IAT kicks major ass from a music and production standpoint.

    I'm not british, but let me say.....he is a wanker.
    Actually I think most of us are Dave, Sam, and Mike fans. There's just a small group of people who have strange allegiances and like to get into petty pissing contests that I can't believe everyone on this site isn't bored of. - Brett

  14. #14
    Eye suffacozza YEWW! Goo's Avatar
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    12.11.17 @ 05:34 PM
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    Default

    lol.. I thought that was funny. Like the dude got outta bed, had WAYYY too much caffine and decided to vent on something that has probably cost him WAY too much sleep.

    RAWR the attack dog !!
    A little zen....... Headed your way.......

  15. #15
    Atomic Punk
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    05.31.14 @ 08:17 PM
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    Default

    See, this is why I will never have another man's cock in my mouth.
    "Nothing is ever what it seems but everything is exactly what it is." - B. Banzai


    My Blog:

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