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  1. #1
    Atomic Punk Bob_R's Avatar
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    Default 10 rules for dating my daughter

    It thought you guys and gals might enjoy this one.

    For the record I don't have a daughter.


    Rule One:
    If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.


    Rule Two:
    You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.


    Rule Three:
    I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of the date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.


    Rule Four:
    I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without using a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.


    Rule Five:
    It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."


    Rule Six:
    I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with one of my little girls, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. You might have heard about her other two sisters, but you will not look. If you make her cry, I make you cry.

    Rule Seven:
    As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?


    Rule Eight:
    The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are sofas, beds, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and my old Army Field Jacket - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature power tools are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.


    Rule Nine:
    Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a middle-aged, gray-headed, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and a half acre behind the house. Do not trifle with me.


    Rule Ten:
    Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to drift back a few years to my Army days and mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a hostile vehicle. Whenever I hear engines at night, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the weapons, probably as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Announce the perimeter password, relay in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


    Have a nice time!

  2. #2
    Good Enough Thai Boxer 9901's Avatar
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    08.28.16 @ 11:47 PM
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by EVH FANATIC
    It thought you guys and gals might enjoy this one.

    For the record I don't have a daughter.


    Rule One:
    If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.


    Rule Two:
    You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.


    Rule Three:
    I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of the date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.


    Rule Four:
    I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without using a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.


    Rule Five:
    It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."


    Rule Six:
    I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with one of my little girls, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. You might have heard about her other two sisters, but you will not look. If you make her cry, I make you cry.

    Rule Seven:
    As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?


    Rule Eight:
    The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are sofas, beds, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and my old Army Field Jacket - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature power tools are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.


    Rule Nine:
    Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a middle-aged, gray-headed, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and a half acre behind the house. Do not trifle with me.


    Rule Ten:
    Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to drift back a few years to my Army days and mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a hostile vehicle. Whenever I hear engines at night, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the weapons, probably as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Announce the perimeter password, relay in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


    Have a nice time!
    Thats pretty good
    Last edited by Thai Boxer 9901; 01.08.06 at 09:17 AM.
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  3. #3
    Hot For Teacher VHHarry5150's Avatar
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    Killer rules, man! Really like #4!!!


    "It's 5150 Time"

  4. #4
    Atomic Punk smithjc's Avatar
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    08.04.17 @ 11:33 PM
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    I like those rules and would do the same for my daughter, except I've never been in the military.
    RIP - Classic Van Halen

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  5. #5
    Atomic Punk LLFHS's Avatar
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    07.30.17 @ 08:59 PM
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    Default

    Sounds familiar. Dave Barry?
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  6. #6
    Eruption smme5150's Avatar
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    04.08.16 @ 04:20 PM
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    Rules for dating my daughter...

    Fuckin 'a! I got a little bastard sniffing around right now. But let me add rule #11:

    When you come over and ring my doorbell and a massive flash goes off as I answer, don't worry, as I am merely taking your picture so I can hunt you down and kill you with a weapon of my choice from my massive gun collection if my daughter comes home late or is crying for any reason whatsoever.

  7. #7
    Baluchitherium sisca's Avatar
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    06.12.16 @ 07:51 PM
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    awesome, fanatic. hope i never have a daughter.
    """"\//-/""""


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    then ill build it from the mexican side. -my reply.

  8. #8
    Baluchitherium
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    12.14.17 @ 04:25 AM
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    Rule Four:
    I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without using a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

    How true this is... eventhough I will soon have a son, I believe my oldest brother would do everything said above and then some if some creep dated his daughter. Hell, I would drive the 7 hours up to Oswego, NY to open a can of whoop-ass on some douchebag of a boyfriend of my niece.
    Rock the Red!!!

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    "Dying ain't much of a living, boy."

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  9. #9
    Atomic Punk ZeoBandit's Avatar
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    12.14.17 @ 05:57 AM
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    Number 3 is my favorite. What is with wearing your pants half off of your ass anyway? That is one of the dumbest fashion trends I think I have ever seen.
    "What we are dealing with here, is a complete lack of respect for the law" - Jackie Gleason, Smokey and the Bandit

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  10. #10
    Atomic Punk Raldo's Avatar
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    12.14.17 @ 10:24 AM
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    Somebody sent this to me right after my daughter was born. I still have that email.

    I chuckle every time I read it.
    Remember the Heroes - 9/11/01

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  11. #11
    Hang 'Em High RRMB's Avatar
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    05.21.17 @ 06:42 PM
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    Rule #12

    See that little girl over there??? She's my only girl. So if you have any ideas of going somewhere to do some hugging or kissing, I want you to remember these words:

    I have no problem going back to prison.
    Last edited by RRMB; 01.09.06 at 01:00 PM.
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  12. #12
    Unchained JCM 800's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Redrockinmonkeyboy
    Rule #12

    See that little girl over there??? She's my only girl. So if you have any ideas of going somewhere to do some hugging or kissing, I want you to remember these words:

    I have no problem going back to prison.

    Bill Engvall is a funny guy!
    "You will respect my authoritah!" Ptl.Cartman

 

 

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