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  1. #1
    Good Enough badkaraoke's Avatar
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    01.15.14 @ 05:39 AM
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    Default Roth's Open Letter to Stern Staff

    Gotta admit, it got my chuckling.

    http://www.villagevoice.com/blogs/ri...sive_david.php

    To: Staff of the Howard Stern Radio Show
    From: David Lee Roth (your new boss!)
    Re: Some Changes
    Date: October 26, 2005

    Dear Staff,

    By now you've heard that I, David Lee Roth, have been appointed Howard Stern's successor for the Howard Stern Radio Show.

    Maybe some of you read about it in the papers; others of you may have just seen me renovating Stern's office, replacing his furniture with six Marshall stack amps I like to call my "musical desk," and his iMac with a collection of vintage guitars I plan on assembling into the shape of the internet. How can I get on the internet, you ask, without the use of a "computer mouse"? Hey, here's a question for you: Who thought of calling that thing a mouse anyway, am I right? What's next, younger men having sex with older women and posting their exploits on websites? I bet they call it a mouse because it looks like a mouse.

    All I'm saying is: You have nothing to worry about with me, and things aren't going to change at all. I may not be the King of All Media, but I am the King of Allmusic. Take a look at that website and type in "David Lee Roth"--yeah that's right, I've influenced over ten different bands.

    And after several hours of discussing this with some EMT friends of mine, I've even decided to keep calling the show the "Howard Stern Radio Show." I know that sounds incredibly modest, especially after considering several fantastic suggestions, including " The Howard Stern Radio Show presented by David Lee Roth," the "David Lee Rothio Show," and my personal favorite, "Diamond Dave's Diamondz." The "diamondz" would have referred to the high quality conversations I would have with guests on the show.

    But let's just keep "Diamond Dave's Diamondz," which I would have nicknamed "D-cubed," to ourselves. Diamonds, as they say, are forever, just like the original name of this show.

    But will the Howard Stern Radio Show remain as provocative? Can DLR--that's me--KIT--that's "keep it titty"--? Well I'll admit I'm not as interested in women having sex with other women as Mr. Stern was--in fact, I didn't even realize this was a thing people could do.

    But I'll try my best here. Instead of people calling in and making orgasm sounds on the phone, maybe now we'll also talk to them about the real issues--about how orgasms are destroying our country. Instead of Jerry Seinfeld coming on the show and us ridiculing him mercilessly, maybe we'll let him tell us a few jokes--maybe I still think that guy's pretty goddamn hilarious. Maybe instead of lesbians who make out with other lesbians (again, wow--fucking wow), we'll have the two Van Halen brothers in the office, bickering like they always fucking do, and I'll get angry and try kill one of them.

    If none of that works, we have a secret weapon: Sammy "the Jokeman" Hagar. I've seen this guy say things backstage that were so funny he should have been arrested. Need some evidence? Here's a joke he wrote especially for this letter:

    A man walks into bar and looks at the jukebox--all the records in it are by Tom Petty and the Hearbreakers. "Hey," he says, "Do you have any other records besides Tom Petty in this jukebox?" "No," said the bartender. "It's a jewkebox." --by Sammy Hagar

    Most people don't know that Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers were Jewish. But have no fear. This transition's going to be painfree. It's not like I'm going to say "Jump!" and you're gonna say "How high?" If anything, it's going to be me saying "Jamie's crying," and you're gonna say, "whah whuuuuh"--but in a funny guitar voice.

    See you December!

    David Lee Roth

  2. #2
    Baluchitherium Guitar Shark's Avatar
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    I doubt this is really Dave's work.

    I think Dave would be a bit more clever.

    Good to see you bk.

  3. #3
    Atomic Punk
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    12.23.16 @ 10:32 AM
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Guitar Shark
    I doubt this is really Dave's work.

    I think Dave would be a bit more clever.

    Good to see you bk.
    Yeah, that letter reeks of BS.

  4. #4
    Unchained m e a n s t r e e t's Avatar
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    06.12.07 @ 05:54 AM
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    Default

    "we'll have the two Van Halen brothers in the office, bickering like they always fucking do, and I'll get angry and try kill one of them."

    DOH! Let the mudslinging begin
    Talkin Some New Kicks

  5. #5
    Atomic Punk TheresOnlyOneWay's Avatar
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    11.30.17 @ 11:15 AM
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    I hope the listening isn't as rough as the reading.
    Sammy did the impossible. He made Van Halen better. Deal with it.
    Michael did the impossible. He made Van Halen better. Deal with it.
    --------------------------
    IAMA I am a stage hand for big mainstream artists. (self.IAmA)

    Q: who was the biggest douche that you have worked with?

    A: Eddie Van Halen hands down he threatened all the stage hands that if we wernt all pushed to the side when he got off stage that he would "bash our faces in"

    Now the new David-Lee-Roth-Van Halen album, “Tokyo Dome In Concert,” is available for purchase, and it’s super, super, super, super, super, super, crazy bad. - Doug Elfman

  6. #6
    Baluchitherium Leo Van Newhouse's Avatar
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    08.14.13 @ 03:25 AM
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    Default

    Real or not, it's a funny read for sure.
    THE PEOPLE HERE TONIGHT : Representing DAVID LEE ROTH in all his glory!!!!!!!!!

    JH: "How was your New Years Eve show at the House Of Blues?"
    DLR: "James...I AM New Years Eve!"

    "To keep up with me, you must be fast. To sing like me, you must be great. To beat me? You must be kidding?" David Lee Roth

    "I'm gonna want to rock out w/ my cock out instead of playing anal taper dork." Colonel Sanders


    ANOTHER HOSTILE TAKEOVER COMING YOUR WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  7. #7
    Atomic Punk smithjc's Avatar
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    Donor

    I thought that was f'n great!!

    The Diamond One is on board!!!
    RIP - Classic Van Halen

    "A lot of people take Van Halen more seriously than we do." The Diamond One



  8. #8
    Atomic Punk Van Squalen's Avatar
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    Um, not real.

  9. #9
    5150 KarenCarpenter's Avatar
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    12.11.17 @ 04:04 AM
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    Default

    ' sounds like a fake letter to me.

  10. #10
    On Fire
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    Default

    Sound like a job from...............

    The Rothtards! WOO HOO!

  11. #11
    Good Enough LittleGuitars99's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KarenCarpenter
    ' sounds like a fake letter to me.
    LMAO!
    "So what's your story? Any tread left on the tires? Or is it like throwing a hotdog down a hallway?" Stewie Griffin

    Detroit Red Wings

    GP 34 Record: 22-9-3

  12. #12
    Sinner's Swing! the_atomic_punks_rule's Avatar
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    Default

    Uh oh...mod alert...brace yourselves...I think this is in the wrong forum...

  13. #13
    Hot For Teacher PassingBy's Avatar
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    10.10.17 @ 06:08 AM
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    Sounds like the work of a Van Hagar fan to me. It would be really sad if that came from "Roth" himself. None of the joke attempts work and the style isn't anything close.

    Well I'll admit I'm not as interested in women having sex with other women as Mr. Stern was--in fact, I didn't even realize this was a thing people could do.
    Umm, yeah. The original writer probably leaves his home rarely and has no access to pay TV...
    Thanks for paying my rent. -- EVH

  14. #14
    Good Enough badkaraoke's Avatar
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    01.15.14 @ 05:39 AM
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by PassingBy
    Sounds like the work of a Van Hagar fan to me. It would be really sad if that came from "Roth" himself. None of the joke attempts work and the style isn't anything close.



    Umm, yeah. The original writer probably leaves his home rarely and has no access to pay TV...
    Is english your first language? That was sarcasm.

    I have no idea if this was by Roth or not, I have my doubts too.

    Village Voice ran with it this AM and I put it up while I was busy at work so I figured I would share. Don't shoot the copy and paster.

  15. #15
    5150 KarenCarpenter's Avatar
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    12.11.17 @ 04:04 AM
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    The thing is, why would he write a letter to the radio staff when he just met them three days ago..., I don't get it.

    Plus, Dave was really cool on the radio intreview..., he seems a little arrogant on that letter(*Your New Boss*)..., I don't know.

 

 

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