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  1. #1
    Atomic Punk Bob_R's Avatar
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    12.13.11 @ 02:09 PM
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    Default Upset customer letter

    I didn't write this. Maybe it was Double M?



    Dear Cretins,

    I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

    My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?

    I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

    I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

    I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
    will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

    Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

    I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

    British Telecom - w**kers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

    Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

  2. #2
    Atomic Punk stilleddiesangel's Avatar
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    08.25.17 @ 05:45 PM
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    Bless.. he used all my favourite words, wanker, bollocks... cool!

    Doesn't everyone write letters of complaint like this???

    ****Texas - Home Of My Heart****

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  3. #3
    Atomic Punk Bob_R's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by stilleddiesangel
    Bless.. he used all my favourite words, wanker, bollocks... cool!

    Doesn't everyone write letters of complaint like this???

    I was going to mention that it may have been you as well but then I realized that the creator of the letter played with his "testicles". So you're off the hook.

  4. #4
    Atomic Punk stilleddiesangel's Avatar
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    08.25.17 @ 05:45 PM
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    Quote Originally Posted by EVH FANATIC
    I was going to mention that it may have been you as well but then I realized that the creator of the letter played with his "testicles". So you're off the hook.
    LMAO.. never had any of my own to play with, had to borrow other peoples!
    ****Texas - Home Of My Heart****

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  5. #5
    Atomic Punk WinterlessIceness's Avatar
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    I dont' even know what NTL is

  6. #6
    Atomic Punk stilleddiesangel's Avatar
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    08.25.17 @ 05:45 PM
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    It's a cable company that also supplies tv, internet and phone packages. Get them all from this place and pay a lot less.. except obviously, they suck!
    ****Texas - Home Of My Heart****

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  7. #7
    Baluchitherium JWS_5150's Avatar
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    05.18.09 @ 11:19 PM
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    LMAO! Now that is hysterical!
    I'm one of those crazies on your block.

    writing

  8. #8
    Atomic Punk LLFHS's Avatar
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    07.30.17 @ 08:59 PM
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    Now go back and read it again, but only this time imagine it being read directly and calmly by this guy.....
    LowLifeFlatHeadScum

    [sigpic][/sigpic]


    Your Hacked Nude Photo Here!

  9. #9
    PM Goo with your concerns OLO's Avatar
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    12.16.17 @ 04:10 PM
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    Quote Originally Posted by stilleddiesangel
    LMAO.. never had any of my own to play with, had to borrow other peoples!
    You rang my dear?
    ((Just My Two Cents))
    And thats about what its worth.

  10. #10
    Atomic Punk fast98dodge's Avatar
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    08.07.17 @ 08:14 PM
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    NTL must be the UK division of Comcast...
    Jet City Super Stealth
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  11. #11
    Atomic Punk ZeoBandit's Avatar
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    12.14.17 @ 05:57 AM
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    Nice!!!! I've considered writing letters like that to my cable company. It took the morons 4 visits to get my internet installed and working properly. Thank god I don't use those assholes for TV. It's all about DirecTV!!
    "What we are dealing with here, is a complete lack of respect for the law" - Jackie Gleason, Smokey and the Bandit

    www.geocaching.com - The site where you are the search engine.

  12. #12
    Atomic Punk stilleddiesangel's Avatar
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    08.25.17 @ 05:45 PM
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    Quote Originally Posted by OLO
    You rang my dear?
    LMAO.. hmmm, kinda hard to play thru a batman outfit, does it have a secret opening??
    Last edited by stilleddiesangel; 10.03.05 at 07:22 AM.
    ****Texas - Home Of My Heart****

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  13. #13
    Atomic Punk smithjc's Avatar
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    08.04.17 @ 11:33 PM
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    Quote Originally Posted by stilleddiesangel
    LMAO.. never had any of my own to play with, had to borrow other peoples!
    Hey same here!!
    RIP - Classic Van Halen

    "A lot of people take Van Halen more seriously than we do." The Diamond One



  14. #14
    Atomic Punk sixstring's Avatar
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    07.20.17 @ 02:42 PM
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    PRICELESS.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]


    "20 minutes (late to work)? Shit. Last year I woke up three weeks too late.
    My advice is to go for the alien abduction story. Look bemused, dishevelled and on the verge of tears as you recount your story of intrusive and degrading medical tests.
    Worked for me anyway. I still have colleagues asking me what it is like to fuck a green womanoid with seventeen breasts.
    Alternatively just walk in and inform everyone that alcoholism is indeed a disease and that they should be less judgemental and perhaps a little more supportive."
    - graeme on the addiction to this place.

    "something tells me that after the nuclear holocaust, there'll be twinkies, cockroaches, and a dave vs. sammy argument going on somewhere".
    - han valen, 6.11.04

    "in my best "saw" scary movie voice: "oh, yes, there will be beagles."
    - hatchetforce, 6.7.06

  15. #15
    Hang 'Em High RRMB's Avatar
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    05.21.17 @ 06:42 PM
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    Very eloquent...wonder if it worked??
    "Jesus, that fucker just crawled out of his hen house that was destroyed by the Alabama tornados. Fucking 280mph plus winds sucked the gleam off this bitch and passed it on to a bird in Rhoad Island." - Hurricane Halen 5/3/11 (about my birthday chicken from seenbad)

    "Pete is this big, loud muthafucker with a big ass heart, y'all!!!!---------" - Hurricane Halen 9/27/13

    "Princess Freckle-Tits hasn't had a good day." LLFHS 7/8/10 (on Lindsay Lohans' legal drama)


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