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  1. #1
    Sinner's Swing! racefan8's Avatar
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    04.01.11 @ 07:59 PM
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    Default Alright, here it is, my marital dilemma

    13 yrs ago I met my husband at the health club where I was a personal trainer. From day one we were inseperable. You know how it is with a new relationship, where you just want to spend every available moment with them? So that was ok with me. We would hang out with his friends, and not really with mine, though.
    Then I noticed that he got really weird about my male friends, and my girlfriends' men. He'd ask me questions like if I thought they were good looking, if they hit on me, if I wanted any of them, if I sex with any of them. I'd get these questions everytime I mentioned a guy's name, without fail. He didn't even trust his own friends around me. He'd drill me on that same line of questions. I told him flat out that I'd only been with 2 other people and to relax, that I was only interested in him. He'd ask me stupid questions like if I thought Brad Pitt(or any other sexy guy) was hot. I had to say no or he'd accuse me of wanting to fuck them. He even started to harass some of my male friends to chase them away. For instance, one lived in the town where he was a cop, and he pulled the guy over and harassed him on the street. I had to give up my friendships if I wanted to be with him. I didn't see it that way at the time.
    He pressured me into an office job to get me out of the spandex and away from men. Next thing I know, he's "suggesting" how I should dress, how I should act, who I should talk to. I became a meek introvert, never meeting a man's eye and never speaking to them in his presence. All this done to make him feel more secure and happy. By this time we're engaged and I'm still thinking I can deal with this because there was so much more good about him. He had made me the center of his world and I wanted to do the same.
    After the wedding, he tried to control more, and constantly accused me of being interested in other men. I started to get irritated with this, as I had made marital vows with him and meant to stand by them. I would rip into him each time he did this. I told him every time he insulted my integrity I lost love for him. (Now, after all these years of this, he's surprised at the huge gaping whole in my heart now) Still he kept up. He'd snoop after me when I got the rare chance to go out with friends - checking my underwear even! Not once have I ever given him reason to doubt me. On top of that, I've gone out of my way to reassure him of my loyalty.
    So this year I was watching Opera and she had a girl on there who had been shot in the face by her boyfriend. She was telling how this guy would dictate her life like my husband tries to do. That girl's situation was obviously worse, as mine would not raise a hand to me. But I started to hear myself in her words and it really hit home. So I point blank told him that I was done with his unfounded jealous insecurities. I had suffocated a big part of me for his sake and I was not happy. This was truly a surprise to him. He never did listen when I told him he took a chunk of love away when he verbally abused me. All of a sudden I find I am not in love with him anymore, even though I still love him. I told him he must get help or I'm gone. He has agreed to marriage counseling, though that was back in June. He sees that he is "a bit over board" and has promised to do whatever it takes to make me happy and to change.
    So here is my issue. Can someone like him truly change? As I see it, as long as I'm a size 6 and athletic, he's gonna never let me be myself in mixed company. I am no where near the flirt I am on here in person. Obviously the internet is much safer for that. But I am sick and tired of the supression he employs. What do y'all think? Is there a chance he will change?
    Stupid is forever, ignorance can be fixed.
    False words are not only evil in themselves, but they infect the soul with evil.
    Compassion is the basis of all morality.
    The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.
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  2. #2
    Eruption blacknblue's Avatar
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    09.13.06 @ 09:37 PM
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    Default

    Sorry to hear about your situation. He CAN change -- if he wants to. But not everyone wants to. It will take effort and counseling for him. It appears you've been doing all the changing for him. You guys need to get back to a more central state. You might not ever be able to be the person you were when you were single (in a relationship, you both have to give some), but you shouldn't have to change who you are completely, either.
    Last edited by blacknblue; 09.28.05 at 09:03 PM.
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  3. #3
    Casting Shade
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    05.04.08 @ 05:05 PM
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    Default

    I think there is some hope racefan. But he needs to truly realize that if he doesn't change, you are gone. And I don't know if its possible for you to make him realize that. I know I'm only 21, but I was in an extremely long-term and committed relationship, as you know, and for about 5 months she was hounding me about a few things that I needed to change about myself. I knew how she felt, and she even said she would leave me if I didn't change, but it still didn't register for some reason. It was like I just didn't get how urgent the situation was, and I wasn't putting in enough effort to show her I would change. Then obviously after the break-up I realized she had really meant business and begged her, but it was too late at that point. Now I'm just changing those things for myself because I will not make the same mistakes twice.

    I think you should schedule the counseling yourself, rather than discuss when you're going to do it with him. Just do it. Then maybe once you're there together he will finally see the error of his ways, especially since there will be someone else supporting your views when you're telling him how you feel. And hopefully then he will see how desperate the situation is. I hope everything works out racefan.
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  4. #4
    Atomic Punk BREW CREW's Avatar
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    08.27.17 @ 09:39 AM
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    I have 2 kids and a beautiful wife. The best thing I can say is work it out. Period.
    We have been together since 1991.(one year after I graduated high school) Good, bad great and horrible times in our lives, we have stuck together. You both have to want to compromise. Deal with it.
    Just go for it!

  5. #5
    Sinner's Swing! racefan8's Avatar
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    04.01.11 @ 07:59 PM
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by LoveWalkinIn
    I think there is some hope racefan. But he needs to truly realize that if he doesn't change, you are gone. And I don't know if its possible for you to make him realize that. I know I'm only 21, but I was in an extremely long-term and committed relationship, as you know, and for about 5 months she was hounding me about a few things that I needed to change about myself. I knew how she felt, and she even said she would leave me if I didn't change, but it still didn't register for some reason. It was like I just didn't get how urgent the situation was, and I wasn't putting in enough effort to show her I would change. Then obviously after the break-up I realized she had really meant business and begged her, but it was too late at that point. Now I'm just changing those things for myself because I will not make the same mistakes twice.

    I think you should schedule the counseling yourself, rather than discuss when you're going to do it with him. Just do it. Then maybe once you're there together he will finally see the error of his ways, especially since there will be someone else supporting your views when you're telling him how you feel. And hopefully then he will see how desperate the situation is. I hope everything works out racefan.
    Thanks, hon. One thing I can say for sure - learn from my mistake and don't try to change your personality (unless it is a bad trait) for the sake of someone you are just dating. If they don't accept you for who you are, then you're in for the same problem I have.

    Brew, compromise I am readily willing to do. But I can't take the verbal abuse, mistrust, and unfounded jealousy. I truly want my marriage to work, not just for the kids, but because I see divorce as a faliure, I guess. I know marriage isn't a picnic, but it's gotta be better than this.
    Stupid is forever, ignorance can be fixed.
    False words are not only evil in themselves, but they infect the soul with evil.
    Compassion is the basis of all morality.
    The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.
    www.myspace.com/getracefan8

  6. #6
    Atomic Punk LLFHS's Avatar
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    07.30.17 @ 08:59 PM
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    I don't know dick about being married, so I'm not gonna pretend to have the answers. All i can say is....it's been my experience that people only change when they think they have something to lose by not changing, and even only then....it's temporary.

    Checking your underwear? Good god, I'd caution you about it getting worse but (outside of physical abuse) how can it get worse than that??
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  7. #7
    Unchained Judgement Day's Avatar
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    12.04.17 @ 07:19 AM
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    Default

    You responed to my problem and now I will to yours. I am somewhat the same way your husband is, I get jealous about my gf, but sooner or later you realize that it is all for nothing. You are the one that comes home to him everynight, you are the one that took the vows of marriage to be true to him. Sooner or later (as is my case) he will realize that you love him for him and that is all that matters to you. I say that people can change, so give him some time, but also make sure that he really knows what the problem is.

  8. #8
    Damage your reputation seenbad's Avatar
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    11.30.17 @ 06:15 PM
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    Here's an altogether different take. Be careful what you see on Oprah and taking some of that shit too close to heart. That show has the ability to give the victim mentality to anybody who's in a bad spot and I've watched it (to be fair) both fuck up and help a few different situations. Another thing, what do you think he would have typed here?
    sheepa latta peepah dabba looka foh a moopy

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  9. #9
    Little Dreamer
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    09.20.06 @ 08:47 AM
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    people dont/wont/cant change. i know because ive been a complete ass my entire life.

    tell him to eff off, grow up, and mind his own business. if that doesnt work then leave his ass one day and write him a john deer letter saying you have better things to do than spend your time with an immature POS panty sniffer. oh.. dont forget to tell him he has a small package.

  10. #10
    Atomic Punk
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    05.31.14 @ 08:17 PM
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    I'll be direct.

    He won't change, not without intense counceling. First alone and then in couples theropy. He has some kind of self-esteem issue that is deeply rooted, it's destroying your marriage. Counceling is a must if you want to save the marriage and he's got some work to do, I'll bet that once in couple's sessions you will find out that you need a little work too.

    If he's not going to take it serioulsly then don't waste your time.

    Just my .02
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  11. #11
    Super Duper Frontman track 5's Avatar
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    Default

    So how many kids do ya'll have? Out.
    Quin-a-se-i-co

    You're a dick for putting ian on "ignore" DIF

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  12. #12
    Atomic Punk fast98dodge's Avatar
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    08.07.17 @ 08:14 PM
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    My advice is to have a torrid affair with Dale Earnhardt Jr...

    If that doesn't work...

    I don't know...

    What would his reaction be if you printed off your original post and handed it to him to read? You are being very honest with us and I respect that very much. He needs to respect that as well. Maybe seeing how you feel in a written form may get to him in a different way. Who knows? If I had the answers, I probably wouldn't be here typing right now. From what you have posted in the time you have been here you seem like a very easy person to get along with. In fact, I can't think of a person here who doesn't like you. Where and what do you want to be in five years? Ask yourself, at this point, does it include him? Is he fixable, so to speak? I'm sure the more questions you ask yourself, the more questions come to mind. It's a viscious circle that needs a resolution sooner or later. I just hope things work out for the best.

    Maybe Dale Jr. will call after all for some "fitness training"... Get the spandex back out, girl, you're goin' racin' on the high banks tonight...Woo Hoo!
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  13. #13
    Top Of The World Manson's Avatar
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    Default 3 words

    Quote Originally Posted by racefan8
    13 yrs ago I met my husband at the health club where I was a personal trainer. From day one we were inseperable. You know how it is with a new relationship, where you just want to spend every available moment with them? So that was ok with me. We would hang out with his friends, and not really with mine, though.
    Then I noticed that he got really weird about my male friends, and my girlfriends' men. He'd ask me questions like if I thought they were good looking, if they hit on me, if I wanted any of them, if I sex with any of them. I'd get these questions everytime I mentioned a guy's name, without fail. He didn't even trust his own friends around me. He'd drill me on that same line of questions. I told him flat out that I'd only been with 2 other people and to relax, that I was only interested in him. He'd ask me stupid questions like if I thought Brad Pitt(or any other sexy guy) was hot. I had to say no or he'd accuse me of wanting to fuck them. He even started to harass some of my male friends to chase them away. For instance, one lived in the town where he was a cop, and he pulled the guy over and harassed him on the street. I had to give up my friendships if I wanted to be with him. I didn't see it that way at the time.
    He pressured me into an office job to get me out of the spandex and away from men. Next thing I know, he's "suggesting" how I should dress, how I should act, who I should talk to. I became a meek introvert, never meeting a man's eye and never speaking to them in his presence. All this done to make him feel more secure and happy. By this time we're engaged and I'm still thinking I can deal with this because there was so much more good about him. He had made me the center of his world and I wanted to do the same.
    After the wedding, he tried to control more, and constantly accused me of being interested in other men. I started to get irritated with this, as I had made marital vows with him and meant to stand by them. I would rip into him each time he did this. I told him every time he insulted my integrity I lost love for him. (Now, after all these years of this, he's surprised at the huge gaping whole in my heart now) Still he kept up. He'd snoop after me when I got the rare chance to go out with friends - checking my underwear even! Not once have I ever given him reason to doubt me. On top of that, I've gone out of my way to reassure him of my loyalty.
    So this year I was watching Opera and she had a girl on there who had been shot in the face by her boyfriend. She was telling how this guy would dictate her life like my husband tries to do. That girl's situation was obviously worse, as mine would not raise a hand to me. But I started to hear myself in her words and it really hit home. So I point blank told him that I was done with his unfounded jealous insecurities. I had suffocated a big part of me for his sake and I was not happy. This was truly a surprise to him. He never did listen when I told him he took a chunk of love away when he verbally abused me. All of a sudden I find I am not in love with him anymore, even though I still love him. I told him he must get help or I'm gone. He has agreed to marriage counseling, though that was back in June. He sees that he is "a bit over board" and has promised to do whatever it takes to make me happy and to change.
    So here is my issue. Can someone like him truly change? As I see it, as long as I'm a size 6 and athletic, he's gonna never let me be myself in mixed company. I am no where near the flirt I am on here in person. Obviously the internet is much safer for that. But I am sick and tired of the supression he employs. What do y'all think? Is there a chance he will change?
    Leave him now!
    "i go over to my "ex's" place and plays really loud with wolfy....
    and it totally pisses her off...." Ed

  14. #14
    Baluchitherium Mikey Metalhead's Avatar
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    06.12.15 @ 12:43 PM
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    I am a firm believer that people do not change, unfortunately, there are kids involved, which makes it tough. I do not pretend to have the answers, but best of luck and even with kids involved, dont foget about your own feelings.
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  15. #15
    Baluchitherium sisca's Avatar
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    06.12.16 @ 07:51 PM
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    sounds like he might be just a <tad> bit insecure. he needs counseling, to help him, if not, it WILL get worse and it's unlikely that he'll change.
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