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  1. #1
    Top Of The World MackieMan's Avatar
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    Default Ahh...high school...

    For your collective amusement...

    "LITERATURE 101: Why English Teachers Die Young"
    Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:



    1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

    2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

    3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

    4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

    5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

    6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

    7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

    8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

    9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

    10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

    11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p. m. instead of 7:30.

    12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

    13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

    14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p. m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p. m. at a speed of 35 mph.

    15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

    16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

    17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

    18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

    19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

    20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

    21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

    22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

    23. The ballerina raised gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

    24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

    25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

    26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

    27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

    28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

  2. #2
    Sinner's Swing! chewbaccamonkeylunch's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MackieMan

    25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
    Some of those were just too funny.

    This one made me think of our pal Ace Ventura last night.
    The trashman was my hero.......
    -Seenbad

  3. #3
    Eruption Junior's Avatar
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    12.20.07 @ 05:39 PM
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    Quote Originally Posted by MackieMan
    9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
    I love the shit out of that one. I'd read an entire book by this guy.

  4. #4
    Good Enough ebmm_axis's Avatar
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    This is the thread of the fucking year! I remember writing witty shit like that in high school, but I'd always get in trouble for it!
    You can lead a horse to water, but that still won't make him a duck!

  5. #5
    Niners Fan! SactoFan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MackieMan
    6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

    14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p. m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p. m. at a speed of 35 mph.


    22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

    27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
    These are solid...
    Can't stop...addicted to the shindig...

  6. #6
    Good Enough evhslilhottie's Avatar
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    01.13.07 @ 11:34 AM
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    I had to write a critique on Cats and, at the end, I wrote "At the end of this 3 hour acid trip, the outcast cat walked into the hand of a robot who I believe is to represent god". Yup, I'm a genious.
    So you broke down, trying to leave town, I broke down crying on your return. You left me feeling hopeful, I'll never see your face again. You made for a bad lover's liver. You stole all the covers and busted my head. You made me such an asshole, I wish we'd never met. I'm tired of being bored. I'm through with the headaches. Hiding my hands that tremble like earthquakes. Under the table, under the daytime sky, Good Fucking Bye- Good Fucking Bye, Alkaline Trio

  7. #7
    Sinner's Swing! racefan8's Avatar
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    04.01.11 @ 07:59 PM
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    LMAO... jeez I have stabbing pains in my side from laughing so hard. Great post

    OMG too funny
    Stupid is forever, ignorance can be fixed.
    False words are not only evil in themselves, but they infect the soul with evil.
    Compassion is the basis of all morality.
    The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.
    www.myspace.com/getracefan8

  8. #8
    Atomic Punk smithjc's Avatar
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    08.04.17 @ 11:33 PM
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    Funny stuff!!!

    I'm laughin and no one around me knows why!!
    RIP - Classic Van Halen

    "A lot of people take Van Halen more seriously than we do." The Diamond One



  9. #9
    Good Enough avhevhmashdlr's Avatar
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    03.10.14 @ 08:22 PM
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    that was funny!!!! and the ironic thing is, is that teachers nowadays want kids to write like that! (atleast kids in my classes anyway)
    [On the House Un-American Activities Committee] "They'll nail anyone who ever scratched his ass during the National Anthem."- Humphrey Bogart
    The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done".- George Carlin
    "I just think people should be very free with sex. They should draw the line at goats." - Elton John
    "I'm just trying to figure out why you donít have any clothes on," the deputy said.

    "Me too," Krauss replied.

    "Donít forget! One sperm can ruin your whole day!"

  10. #10
    Sinner's Swing! Sunya's Avatar
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    02.10.10 @ 10:42 PM
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    That is really funny stuff. LMAO!!!

    5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
    Last edited by Sunya; 07.15.05 at 04:49 PM.
    "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself."
    --Mark Twain


    There's no one as smart as a gambler at the track putting thier last $10.00 on the longest shot of the day.

  11. #11
    Eye suffacozza YEWW! Goo's Avatar
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    12.11.17 @ 05:34 PM
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    I'd be giving out credits to those kids. LOL.

    I used to do quite nicely in my High School english marks by writing poems about being assualted by people with mohawks and stuff like that. Trying to be funny. Went across better than a 14 y/o attempting to write a poem about the many complexities of love and life!
    A little zen....... Headed your way.......

  12. #12
    Baluchitherium JWS_5150's Avatar
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    05.18.09 @ 11:19 PM
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    Fuckin' awesome stuff. I love it!
    I'm one of those crazies on your block.

    writing

 

 

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