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  1. #1
    Atomic Punk chefcraig's Avatar
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    VHL "Birthday Disasters" Thread

    I'm pretty sure that every single one of us has had a birthday that was so gloriously lousy, we wish we could forget it...yet the memory (sadly) will never fade away.

    They can be comical (once seen a few years later), distressing or simply bizzare.

    This one fits all three headings...and I swear to the fact that every word of it is true.

    On the eve of my 15th birthday, my parents took me to a wonderful (now defunct) little joint called "The BBQ Spot" for dinner. My brother declined an invitation, as he felt "He" was the king of bbq.

    On our way home, my father spotted my brother in his green '71 Mustang convertible, and honked the horn and waved.

    My brother responded by flipping us off and yelling "Fuck You" at the top of his lungs.

    My father was less than pleased with this surprising greeting, and even less pleased when upon returning home, discovering about 27 empty beer bottles on the dining room table. ( I could never figure out why, if getting up to pee or get another beer, wouldn't it have made sense to throw the empties out, rather than allowing them to accumulate on the table?)

    In any event, when my brother staggered in later that evening, my father promptly threw him out of the house.

    The following morning (my birthday) my father awoke at the crack of dawn, hooked up the trailer carrying his bass boat, and went fishing. My brother, waking at the crack of noon, set out to the back yard to bbq a roast of pork on the grill near our pool, to prove his bbq mastery.

    My father returned from fishing around 3 pm.

    Now the motor on a bassboat can be set at several angles, one of which is straight out, to avoid accidental contact with the road while traveling on the trailer.

    In his anger at seeing my brother's car as my dad drove down the street, this fact must have eluded him, as he promptly floored it in reverse, crashing the motor through the still closed garage door.

    Undeterred by this turn of events, he quickly exited the car, and again threw my brother out of the house, albeit more forcefully this time.

    On accomplishing this, my dad unhooked the trailer, leaving the boat and motor connected to the garage, and hightailed it to the bar.

    My brother then took the pork roast by grabbing the spit from the bbq, and let it sail through the air into the swimming pool. He too then left.

    My mother, quite overwhelmed by witnessing these events, got in her station wagon to go tell her friend Mary, who lived 3 blocks away, leaving the dog, myself and a partially cooked, poolbound pot roast.

    In tears, I called our dear friends across the street. The mother of the clan instructed me to retrieve the roast with the pool skimmer, and bring it over.

    I did as told.

    This marvelous saint of a woman then proceeded to boil the roast, along with several vegetables, for a few hours.

    To this day it was the finest piece of pork that I have ever tasted, leading me to wonder if I should actually repeat the experiment, ie: cooking a roast for 2 hours over a hot grill, chucking it in a swimming pool, then boiling it for a few hours. (I'm sure my neighbors sitting poolside in our complex would understand).

    My brother indeed moved out, it cost my father several hundred dollars and hours of labor to fix both the garage door and the damage to the boat motor, and my mother refrained from comment.

    Yes, I've since saught therapy.

    Can anyone attempt to top that?

    ...craig
    Last edited by chefcraig; 07.05.05 at 05:59 AM.
    "The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man."
    George Bernard Shaw

  2. #2
    Don't Touch the Dog There axebrian's Avatar
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    01.28.17 @ 02:56 PM
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    That was one hell of a birthday, my friend. I can't even try to top that one, thank god.
    Last edited by axebrian; 07.05.05 at 05:56 AM.
    ####......###,
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    February 10, 1978...The day that changed the Rock N Roll guitar world!!!

  3. #3
    Atomic Punk Viking's Avatar
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    11.02.17 @ 09:45 PM
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    I got extremely drunk on my 21st birthday, pinched a few girls on their asses, then got sick. I know I pinched a few girls on their asses because a couple of the girls at the party got home and were telling their Mom about me pinching them. My sister happened to be spending the night with their sister and got wind of all of this. Embarrassing! Anyway, I told my brother that we had to leave the party because I was getting sick. We got home, and my Dad was there to greet us. I staggered into the house and to the bathroom, where I promptly sat down on the shitter with my shorts around my ankles, and a garbage pail between my knees and passed out. I have the picture that my Dad took somewhere around here to prove it. That will not be posted here anytime soon!

    I can't top the chefcraig story though. That's a dandy!
    Last edited by Viking; 07.05.05 at 06:08 AM.
    "Viking - last to sleep, first to rise, last to leave, that's how the Nords of old rocked the house." ~ timmac in the 'Texas Linkers' thread talking about yours truly. :-)

  4. #4
    Sinner's Swing! InTheBeginning's Avatar
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    07.20.17 @ 05:17 PM
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    I just hope they've gotten better with age! Birthdays that is.

    A little more volume in the headphones please.

  5. #5
    The Frantic Antic TopTimi's Avatar
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    06.14.13 @ 10:39 PM
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    On my 30th b-day, my wife and I were driving on Rte 41 in the Arizona desert. This trip started in Olympia, WA and Miami, FL was the destination. My car abruptly siezed, and the engine blew up. (yes Craig, the same car you see me in now.) My 30th was spent hitchhiking across the desert. Luckily my wife has very fine legs, so getting a ride was not too big a deal. Yet, I was prepared to ditch my car and hitch to Florida. My wife had other plans. When we hit Phoenix, she hopped on a plane to Miami and made me go back and get the car. Eventually, I showed up in Miami about 20 days later with my car I got back in high school. I still have it. Every time my wife tries to talk me into selling the beast, I remind her of my 30th birthday and that the car stays.

  6. #6
    Atomic Punk fast98dodge's Avatar
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    08.07.17 @ 08:14 PM
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    Birthdays never go according to plan when they involve Olympia, WA in the story!!!

    Anyways, some birthday highlights (lowlights)...

    12- My Grandpa died

    21-Got really hammered out at the bars. My buddy and I went to leave downtown Olympia and his car wouldn't start. We luckily got a ride home from another friend in his late 80's Cutlass which already had about 6 people in it. When we got back to his house, I promptly got out of the car, stumbled over to the bushes, and puked.

    22-Went to Seattle to Pioneer Square (many bars around) and got pretty hammered. We went into one bar then left and went around the block but not much was going on. When we got back, they wouldn't let a friend of mine at the time in because he was "visibly intoxicated". So, the rest of us went in. When we came out he was there and he claimed he was mugged by a hooker. I think he really passed out and lost it.

    The rest of my Birthdays since then have probably involved too much alcohol and lack of judgment, but I luckily don't remember specifics...
    Jet City Super Stealth
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  7. #7
    Eruption Junior's Avatar
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    12.20.07 @ 05:39 PM
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    Quote Originally Posted by chefcraig
    On the eve of my 15th birthday, my parents took me to a wonderful (now defunct) little joint called "The BBQ Spot" for dinner. My brother declined an invitation, as he felt "He" was the king of bbq.

    My brother responded by flipping us off and yelling "Fuck You" at the top of his lungs.:
    You simply can't write comedy like this.

    The thought of a guy being so offended by something so simple as not being asked to BBQ, that he shout's FUCK YOU! to his family from a moving car and gets kicked out of the house, is glory.

  8. #8
    Hang 'Em High janthraxx's Avatar
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    11.18.14 @ 07:57 PM
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    I can't think of any bad ones for me.

    But last year my buddy Carlos at his birthday party got really drunk and stoned and stuffed the microwave full of raw chicken trying to cook it, and then doused every condiment in the house on it and tried to eat it.

    Later that night, someone gave him a bouquet of giant sunflowers, which he turned and smashed on my friends head. Then he cracked himself over the head with an old violin and smashed it on the wall
    "Suck a fat one, faggot."
    -MikeL, showing off that sharp wit of his.

    "You may recognize some of these chemicals. Let's start with cyanide...The one the Aum Shinrikyo cult attempted to use to commit mass murder in a Tokyo subway in May 1995...The same cyanide produced routinely--1.4 million tons per year--for use in the production of plastics, adhesives, cosmetics, pharmaceuticals, and so on. It seems that those who put small amounts of cyanide in subways are terrorists. But those who produce it in mass quantities and contaminate broad reaches of soil, water, and air, killing countless living beings, are not terrorists, but rather capitalists, and are counted among the finest and most powerful people on the planet."

    -Derrick Jensen, "What We Leave Behind"

    "You know what's weird to me is Christians who are against the death penalty. After all, if it weren't for the death penalty, we wouldn't celebrate Easter!"

    -the late, great, Bill Hicks

  9. #9
    Atomic Punk BREW CREW's Avatar
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    Fuckin A!
    Just go for it!

  10. #10
    PM Goo with your concerns OLO's Avatar
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    12.14.17 @ 01:36 AM
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    I cant top Craig's story but I usually have pretty shitty birthdays. My birthday isnt something I look forward to.

    A few years ago my family forgot it was my birthday, my Mom did some quick thinking and invited me to dinner at a restraunt that they already had reservations for. My girlfriend at the time and I arrived and proceded to get bitched out for being late, it wasnt our fault I tried to explain to my Mom. When the restraunt is and hour away via the crow flys but a much longer commute with Friday night traffic THROUGH DOWNTOWN SEATTLE!!!! We were only given 2 hours notice about the dinner party!!!!! Fuck I was soooooo pisssed, I am getting pissed again just thinking about it. My Mom gave me 4 crystal Beer Mugs, She must have forgotten I was a ALCHOLIC!!! She also gave me a butt ass ugly shirt and sweater, I have informed family members COUNTLESS times to PLEASE STOP buying me sweaters I DO NOT WEAR THEM!!!

    Last year I had to go to a wedding reception on my birthday, the reception was held the the same restraunt I listed above!! My Mom and Grnadmother thought it would be nice to bring out a cake for me during the reception. This just pissed the bride and her family off, I of course had no idea they were going to do this. It was also about 95 degree's in Seattle that day, the reception was of course outside and it was black tie wardrobe.

    A few years ago a ex-girlfriend showed up at my house to bring me a b-day gift at 12:30AM!!!! This same girlfreind made dinner plans for my birthday at some swanky restraunt a year ealier, she invited HER FRIENDS, the food was shitty, the waiter was an ASSHOLE and I got the bill at the end of the night to the tune of $600 dollars!!!

    Yea I fucking love BIRTHDAYS - FUCK!!!
    ((Just My Two Cents))
    And thats about what its worth.

  11. #11
    Eruption =VH=316's Avatar
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    04.02.14 @ 04:23 PM
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    I can't really think of any real bad bad ones.....but,here's a really odd thing about it:
    18th,19th,and 20th birthday.....for 3STRAIGHT YEARS,I had the stomach flu on my birthday....hurlin all over,lasted about 3 days each time....if that don't suck.....think about this....my birthday is on New Years Day,LOL.

    So,the next year(21st) I decided that if I was gonna feel like shit and be hurlin all over,i'd at least make it worth it and got completely f'ed up. Miller,some wine,some Vodka,and some JD(for the love of god,don't ever do this,trust me!!!)....all on new years eve....and wouldn't ya know it,all I drank that night met my toilet about 8am new years day.

    Gross,I know....sorry.
    Good thing to know:
    Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

  12. #12
    Good Enough rrussou812's Avatar
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    04.23.17 @ 12:14 PM
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    Well let's see when I was 8 I didn't get the ..

    Jeez, what's the point..no way in hell I can top Craig's and OLO's stories

  13. #13
    no stinkin click! muffdiver's Avatar
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    02.28.14 @ 07:54 PM
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    Quote Originally Posted by Junior
    You simply can't write comedy like this.

    The thought of a guy being so offended by something so simple as not being asked to BBQ, that he shout's FUCK YOU! to his family from a moving car and gets kicked out of the house, is glory.


    LMFAO....i know ,this cracks me up ...all because ....HE was the bbq king...
    HOLY SHIT...LMAO....

    then comes back to PROVE hes the bbq king...this has to be a snl bit or something..awesome...

 

 

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