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Thread: Need to vent

  1. #1
    Pope Of Greenwich Village SuckaInA3Piece's Avatar
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    08.28.17 @ 03:27 PM
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    Default Need to vent

    I need to vent because I'm not sure how to feel about the news I got today.

    I get home from work today and I'm chattin to my mom about how my day was and stuff, when her mood all of a sudden turns somber, and she tells me she has something she needs to tell me. She said that she got a call last night when I was out and it was my father's wife. She informed my mother that my dad is in the hospital basically dying of cancer. There's a chance he might make it, but they're not sure he's going to pull through.

    The news hits me like a ton of bricks, but then as I settle I really don't feel anything about this. See..my dad walked out on me and my mom when I was about 3 or 4yrs old. We would see each other sparingly over the years, but most of the time our relationship was filled with broken promises on his end. He'd say he'd pick me up and I'd stay with him over the weekend, and I'd be left waiting up all night for him only for him to not show up. I won't even get into how many Father's Day's I had where I bought this guy a gift and he'd never show up. How many tears I cried as a kid when he'd never call, or see my play sports or music. I don't have the time to sit here and type out every instance where he broke my fuckin heart.

    Anyways..I just don't know how or what to feel right now. I haven't seen my dad since I was about 12 or 13, and the last time I was supposed to see him, he left me standing outside my high school waiting for five hours. That was pretty much the last draw, and I made up my mind that day that I'd never treat my children in the manner he's done to me.

    His wife told my mother that he wants to see me, but I don't really know if I want to see him, especially in the condition he's in. Am I wrong for that?

    Am I wrong because I don't know what to feel about him being sick? Don't get me wrong, I don't want to see anybody get cancer, so I do feel bad about that. But I just don't know if I want to make the effort to see him when there's really no bond between us.

    Well...I just wanted to get that shit off my chest.

    I'm off to go play guitar for awhile. Thanks for reading.
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    Sucka'sFacebook

  2. #2
    Eruption mk5's Avatar
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    04.30.16 @ 03:52 PM
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    Sucka,

    First things first--my sympathies go out to you and your family, and I will pray for same.

    Second, with regard to advice on seeing your Dad (and while trying to still "stay out" of your business), I'd say weigh the issues.

    If you DON'T see him, there is a chance of regret and the chip you hold on your shoulder will not really go away. No one would blame you, seeing the
    lack of interest he has shown through the years.

    If you DO see him, there is zero chance of regret, possible chance of at least some form of closure with him, and the chip may still be there, but at least you can rest assured that you were the bigger man.

    Obviously the news hit you hard, as it would most, and with all you have said I hope that you fulfill your Dad's wish.

    Take care,

    mk5
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  3. #3
    Atomic Punk TheresOnlyOneWay's Avatar
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    11.30.17 @ 11:15 AM
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    I'm sure I'd feel the same way, Sucka. I don't think I'd put out that effort to go see him after the way he treated you. I had to watch my mom rot away everyday for a year straight from that garbage (she passed away last May), and it's miserable. I helped take care of her because she spent her life doing it for me and my family - in every way.
    I wouldn't look at you or anyone any differently for not going to see someone who has acted like that to their own flesh and blood.
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  4. #4
    Good Enough Balanced Rock's Avatar
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    07.04.09 @ 09:28 PM
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    I feel for ya Sucka, as i too grew up without a father (although i never really wanted to meet mine. Kinda felt the same way as you). Even after all that you've gone thru i think it would be good for you to sit down with him. Never good to hold a grudge. He might have a lot to tell you, and who knows, you might finally make that bond. Good luck dude.

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    Baluchitherium KT's Avatar
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    08.08.17 @ 07:44 PM
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    Sucka...I don't know you and don't know what you're going through but I offer my support. I lost my mother one week before my 18th birthday to liver cancer. One thing I learned from the months before and the years after her death as I worked through my grief, is that THERE ARE NO RULES! There's no "right way" to feel and there's no "right way" to respond to this. Go with what you feel is best for you. I heard way too many times, "She's not crying enough." Then, the next day I would hear from someone different, "She's crying too much and is not handling this well." There's a quote off of Beth Nielsen Chapman's CD that I will always remember (it was a tribute to her late husband who died of cancer) and it goes like this: "There's no way around grief---there's only through to the other side." I'll be thinking about you.
    Meet me in Cabo!

  6. #6
    Atomic Punk WinterlessIceness's Avatar
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    Go, Sucka. It is better to regret of what you've done than of what you haven't. And your father asked you to, I think you shouldn't break his hopes.

    My prayers go to you and your family.

  7. #7
    Atomic Punk
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    12.23.16 @ 10:32 AM
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    Sucka, it's a hard thing to deal with....I lost my dad to cancer when I was 16, there's nothing that can prepare you for what's ahead, so I can only say stay strong for your mom and the family.

    As far as your issue with not being close to him, at a time like this, you have to step up and be there, even though he wasn't for you. If you don't, it could hang over you for the rest of your life. You don't want to be lookin at YOUR child one day and wish that you WOULD have been there for your dad or wish that you DID say the things to him that you always wanted to but didn't.

    I still deal with that even though I WAS there every night in the hospital......I wish that I would have done more or said more....

    Ultimately, You have to do what feels right to you, but just give it some thought now, because there aren't any do-overs and regret lasts forever.

    ( I hope this all doesn't sound like that Mike and the Mechanics song )

    We love you man, and we're here 24/7 if you need someone to talk to...

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  8. #8
    Eruption Lightning Fingers's Avatar
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    03.01.12 @ 05:52 PM
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    Your father may have made broken promises and left you and your mom when you were young, but family is family. After my mom died, I promised my paternal grandma I'd bring my son, whom she hadn't met yet, and visit her before leaving. Well, we ran out of time and I had to get back to work. A few months later she died. I think of my parents (both died from cancer) and my grandma every day and I still regret not seeing my grandma.

    Regret is one of the worse things to carry with you for the rest of your life.
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  9. #9
    Atomic Punk Van Squalen's Avatar
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    That's a tough situation, bud. I'm sending you good thoughts. Lost both parents to cancer within six months of each other.

    You're right, of course...you don't owe any sort of obligatory closure to a man who decided not to maintain a bond with his son. That being said, the ONLY thing on this earth that can prevent resolution of regret is death. I wish I didn't know this truth, but I do. The bitch thing about regret is, sometimes it rears its head years later, about the stupidest little things. A little preventative maintenance goes a long way to counter this potentiality.

    You don't have to feel bad about his having cancer. Shit happens. You certainly don't have to visit him with the objective of resolving your differences...that 'forgive, live, and let live at the deathbed' stuff usually only happens in movies anyway. Still, it's possible.

    If he told his current wife he wants to see you, it's probable he wants to try and repent for his behavior. Impending death has a funny way of motivating people to clear their slates. You don't have to give it if you don't want to, of course...or, you could do so, despite the monster bite of a bullet that will require of you. Trust me, man, the last thing you want is to be fifty years old and think, "Shit...I shoulda done that."

    Being my friend, I know that you are a better man than many. Many sons have to be smarter than their fathers, and it sucks. Sometimes that's how it is, unfortunately. Still...you'll be able to look in the mirror and tell yourself, "I'm stronger for it." And you will be.

    My two cents, dude. Let me know if ya wanna talk, anytime. I'm usually up late.

  10. #10
    Good Enough rrussou812's Avatar
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    04.23.17 @ 12:14 PM
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    Sucka, I don't know you very well myself either but I wanted you to know that you and yours are in my prayers, I myself have had one too many people in my life have to deal with cancer and I hope everything goes ok for your dad.

    The only advice I can give is that I hope you think about this real hard before you decide on what to do....from what you said I can understand about being confused and angry, but lemme tell ya, since you know now that he has something that unfortunately *could* take his life someday, you have the opportunity to see and talk to him, and maybe even make amends IF the time comes for him to pass on from the cancer...I know a lot of people that have said they would give anything to have that time back with their estranged parent(s). I know it's a shitty deal man that leaves you feelin all twisted in the wind, but I just hope that you do think it through a clear head and not a heavy heart.

    Whatever you decide bro, we are here to support ya

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    Last edited by rrussou812; 03.30.05 at 04:21 PM.

  11. #11
    Atomic Punk MikeL's Avatar
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    I think that whatever decision you make, you've got to make it for yourself, not for him. Make the choice that will let you feel best about yourself and your role as a son. Let yourself be the person you want to be.

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    Atomic Punk stilleddiesangel's Avatar
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    My good friend, I'm sad to hear of your troubles and, not having been in this situation (although I have a brother who wont talk to me) I cant pretend to give the best advice. I know your a good man and that the best thing to do is go with your gut instinct. Whatever you choose to do, if you need to talk, you know where I am.

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    05.17.11 @ 11:41 PM
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    Sucka i first want to say that i hope ur father makes it and beats cancer and i would go see him....my dad walked out on me when i was born so i know what your going through hope everything turns for the better my prayers go out to you and your family
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    carpe damn diem billy007's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear, Sucka and I can certainly see where you are coming from. My thought is similar to mk5 in that I think if it were me, I'd make one final gesture because no matter how things went down, that's my dad and I'm not going to be the one that didn't try. I feel similar about my dad - not in the same plane, though. My dad had a guy that grew up with him and his brother and was treated like a son by my grandfather - I guess he was like a foster child or whatever. Always knew him as my uncle. Anyway, my dad, grandfather and "uncle" used to live in a row, and there was a lot of land behind their houses, plus my real uncle owned some of the land too. I don't remember the whole story but basically my grandfather died and then not too long after that my uncle died and then my dad and my "uncle" got in a dispute on who was supposed to inherit what land and I think it was compounded by the fact that my dad and uncle had contributed a lot to my grandfather's care between when he got sick and when he died and I don't think my "uncle" did. Of course, it was compounded further because I don't think anybody had their wishes on paper. So basically it got bad between them and I don't think they've spoken now in 15-20 years. All those years together, spending time at each other's houses and being family and all that is flushed now. I keep wishing my father would reach out a branch, and maybe he has, but I don't think so (I'm not all that close with my dad, but not as bad as some). And when my father had his accident last year I don't think my "uncle" contacted him at all. Just seems a sad road to go down. Once a person's gone, you can't change your mind...

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    Eruption EVHWolf's Avatar
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    Sucka,
    My thoughts are with you and those close to you. Altough I have never met you and I'm not a regular poster, I always thought of you as one of my closer "friends" of the boards (being from Philly). I have also not been in the situation that you and other here have been (or are) in. What I can offer you is what I would do. If you do not want to treat you kids the way that you have been treated, start by treating your father better than he treated you. Once he is gone you will never have that chance.
    Keep your head up man. No matter what you do, you will always have us to vent to.

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