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  1. #1
    Atomic Punk onefootoutthedoor's Avatar
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    Surf City, USA
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    07.24.15 @ 09:25 PM
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    Default Mental Health Department Answering Machine

    The Mental Health Dept. Answering Machine

    Which one are you?

    Subject: Re: A new answering machine for our times. A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Institute:

    "Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

    If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

    If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

    If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

    If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

    If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

    If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

    If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press
    -no-one will answer.

    If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

    If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

    If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

    If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

    If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

  2. #2
    Good Enough avhevhmashdlr's Avatar
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    New Jersey
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    Women and Children First
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    Somebody Get Me a Doctor
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    03.10.14 @ 07:22 PM
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    haha !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    [On the House Un-American Activities Committee] "They'll nail anyone who ever scratched his ass during the National Anthem."- Humphrey Bogart
    The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done".- George Carlin
    "I just think people should be very free with sex. They should draw the line at goats." - Elton John
    "I'm just trying to figure out why you donít have any clothes on," the deputy said.

    "Me too," Krauss replied.

    "Donít forget! One sperm can ruin your whole day!"

  3. #3
    The Frantic Antic TopTimi's Avatar
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    Olive um
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    Everybody Wants Some!!!
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    06.14.13 @ 09:39 PM
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    I think I pressed 9 for memory loss. Or did I?



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