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  1. #1
    Baluchitherium sisca's Avatar
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    06.12.16 @ 07:51 PM
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    Default dumb joke thread

    The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

    Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."

    Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

    "Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

    Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

    In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "Me!"
    """"\//-/""""


    The Marines I have seen around the world have the cleanest bodies, the filthiest minds, the highest morale, and the lowest morals of any group of animals I have ever seen. Thank God for the United States Marine Corps!


    www.myspace.com/mikesisca

    "If ladies want Valentines Day so bad either make Superbowl Sunday an actual holiday or give guys Steak and Blowjob Day and we'll call it even." T.RYAN, sharing thoughts on valentine's day.

    " SHUT UP, FAGGOT." - Vinnie Velvet, showing off that sharp wit of his.

    DIRTY SANCHEZ- It's not just for breakfast anymore!



    “ Originally posted by FORD
    History tells us that oppressive nations build walls to keep people IN, not out.
    (See "Berlin Wall" and "Likud Israel" for examples) ” FORD- when i told him i'd build a wall between the US and Mexico.

    then ill build it from the mexican side. -my reply.

  2. #2
    Eruption vh resurrection's Avatar
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    03.31.15 @ 05:22 PM
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    Did you hear about the lady who survived being cut in half by an amateur magician?

    She lived halfily ever after.
    "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce the king of 10 fingers and six strings... Mr. Edward Van Halen!"

  3. #3
    Casting Shade
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    05.04.08 @ 05:05 PM
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    What do you call two lesbians in a closet?

    -A whine and lick her cabinet!
    "Rehab is for Quitters"

    "It is not possible to have life after death since death is the end of life." -OV

    "What doesn’t kill you, will only make you pissed off!"
    -Alexi Laiho

    "If I know I'm going crazy...I must not be insane." -Dave Mustaine

    "Simpson, QUICK! Honk at that broad." -Mayor Quimby

  4. #4
    Casting Shade
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    05.04.08 @ 05:05 PM
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    There once was an old man who lived in an elderly home. The one last thing he wanted to do before he died was to go down on Edna(an old lady he had been chasing after for months). Finally Edna agreed to let him eat her out. Excited, the old man rushed up to Edna's room. After going down on her for a few minutes, he noticed an odd smell. He asked Edna about it. She siad that maybe it was from her arthritis. Confused the old man siad, "I didn't know that women got arthritis in their pussy". Edna replied "You can't. I have arthritis in my shoulders, I haven't wiped myself in over a month."
    "Rehab is for Quitters"

    "It is not possible to have life after death since death is the end of life." -OV

    "What doesn’t kill you, will only make you pissed off!"
    -Alexi Laiho

    "If I know I'm going crazy...I must not be insane." -Dave Mustaine

    "Simpson, QUICK! Honk at that broad." -Mayor Quimby

  5. #5
    Baluchitherium sisca's Avatar
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    06.12.16 @ 07:51 PM
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by LoveWalkinIn
    There once was an old man who lived in an elderly home. The one last thing he wanted to do before he died was to go down on Edna(an old lady he had been chasing after for months). Finally Edna agreed to let him eat her out. Excited, the old man rushed up to Edna's room. After going down on her for a few minutes, he noticed an odd smell. He asked Edna about it. She siad that maybe it was from her arthritis. Confused the old man siad, "I didn't know that women got arthritis in their pussy". Edna replied "You can't. I have arthritis in my shoulders, I haven't wiped myself in over a month."
    thanks, bro, i just had one of those vomit/burp (vurps?) things happen after reading that!! here's one ya might like:

    An old man, on his deathbed barely able to move, smells fresh chocolate chip cookies being baked in the kitchen downstairs. Being his favorite snack in the world, the frail old man gathers whatever remaining strength he has to get up from his bed, and go downstairs into the kitchen. as he's reaching up to the counter and grabbing one of the cookies, his wife runs into the kitchen and smacks his hand, knocking the cookie onto the counter. "why?" he asks, "why did you do that, knowing i love chocolate chip cookies?" " because they're for the funeral!" she replied.
    Last edited by sisca; 02.01.05 at 01:18 AM.
    """"\//-/""""


    The Marines I have seen around the world have the cleanest bodies, the filthiest minds, the highest morale, and the lowest morals of any group of animals I have ever seen. Thank God for the United States Marine Corps!


    www.myspace.com/mikesisca

    "If ladies want Valentines Day so bad either make Superbowl Sunday an actual holiday or give guys Steak and Blowjob Day and we'll call it even." T.RYAN, sharing thoughts on valentine's day.

    " SHUT UP, FAGGOT." - Vinnie Velvet, showing off that sharp wit of his.

    DIRTY SANCHEZ- It's not just for breakfast anymore!



    “ Originally posted by FORD
    History tells us that oppressive nations build walls to keep people IN, not out.
    (See "Berlin Wall" and "Likud Israel" for examples) ” FORD- when i told him i'd build a wall between the US and Mexico.

    then ill build it from the mexican side. -my reply.

  6. #6
    Sinner's Swing! emm5150's Avatar
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    07.13.17 @ 06:45 PM
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    Default

    A man walks into a public bathroom and begins using one of the urinals. He looks to his left and sees a very short man peeing also. Suddenly, the short man looks up at the taller man, and the taller man is completely embarrassed about staring at the smaller man`s penis. "Sorry," says the taller man."I`m not gay or anything, but you have the longest penis I`ve ever seen, especially on a man so small!" "Well," says the Leprechaun, "That`s because I`m a Leprechaun! ALL Leprechauns have penises this size!" The taller man says, "Incredible! I`d give anything if mine were that long." "Well, what with me being a Leprechaun and all, I can give you your wish! If you let me take you into that stall over there and screw you, I`ll give you your wish!" "Gee," says the man, "I don`t know about that----aw hell with it, OK!" Soon, the Leprechaun is behind the taller man, just humping away. "Say," says the Leprechaun, "How old are you, son?" Finding it difficult to turn with the Leprechaun humping him so ferociously, the tall man says over his shoulder, "Uh-Uh, Thirty-two..." "Imaging that, " says the little man, "Thirty-two and still believes in Leprechauns!"

  7. #7
    Casting Shade
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    A Pickle, Cucumber, and Penis were talking about how life sucks being hard. The pickle says: They chop me up, jar me, and then eat me! The cucumber says: They just take me and eat me whole! Then the penis finally speaks out: They slap a rubber glove on my head, put me in a dark room, and bang me up against a wall until I throw up!!!
    "Rehab is for Quitters"

    "It is not possible to have life after death since death is the end of life." -OV

    "What doesn’t kill you, will only make you pissed off!"
    -Alexi Laiho

    "If I know I'm going crazy...I must not be insane." -Dave Mustaine

    "Simpson, QUICK! Honk at that broad." -Mayor Quimby

  8. #8
    Casting Shade
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    Default

    Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?

    -She kept having affairs with men.
    "Rehab is for Quitters"

    "It is not possible to have life after death since death is the end of life." -OV

    "What doesn’t kill you, will only make you pissed off!"
    -Alexi Laiho

    "If I know I'm going crazy...I must not be insane." -Dave Mustaine

    "Simpson, QUICK! Honk at that broad." -Mayor Quimby

  9. #9
    Sinner's Swing! InTheBeginning's Avatar
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    07.20.17 @ 05:17 PM
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    Default

    An elderly Italian man asked the local priest to hear his confession.
    "Father, during WW 2, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me
    to hide her from the Germans."

    The priest replied, " That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no reason to confess."

    "It's worse than that, Father, I was sinful and weak, and told her she could repay me with sexual favors."

    "You were both in great danger and would have been killed, if the Germans
    had found you," said the priest. " God in his wisdom will balance the good and the evil and judge you with mercy." "You are forgiven"

    "Thank you father, thats a great load off my mind, but I have one more question to ask."

    "And what is that?" asked the priest.

    The old man replied, "Should I tell her the war is over?"
    A little more volume in the headphones please.

  10. #10
    Sinner's Swing! InTheBeginning's Avatar
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    07.20.17 @ 05:17 PM
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    Default

    What's the definition of a transvestite?

    Answer: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
    A little more volume in the headphones please.

  11. #11
    Atomic Punk LLFHS's Avatar
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    07.30.17 @ 08:59 PM
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by LoveWalkinIn
    Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?

    -She kept having affairs with men.
    OMFG!! LOL!!
    LowLifeFlatHeadScum

    [sigpic][/sigpic]


    Your Hacked Nude Photo Here!

  12. #12
    Casting Shade
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    -How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?

    He's the one with the belt buckle that matches the impression on her forehead.
    "Rehab is for Quitters"

    "It is not possible to have life after death since death is the end of life." -OV

    "What doesn’t kill you, will only make you pissed off!"
    -Alexi Laiho

    "If I know I'm going crazy...I must not be insane." -Dave Mustaine

    "Simpson, QUICK! Honk at that broad." -Mayor Quimby

  13. #13
    Casting Shade
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    -What do the blonde's left leg and right leg have in common?

    Nothing, they've never even met!
    "Rehab is for Quitters"

    "It is not possible to have life after death since death is the end of life." -OV

    "What doesn’t kill you, will only make you pissed off!"
    -Alexi Laiho

    "If I know I'm going crazy...I must not be insane." -Dave Mustaine

    "Simpson, QUICK! Honk at that broad." -Mayor Quimby

  14. #14
    Atomic Punk LLFHS's Avatar
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    07.30.17 @ 08:59 PM
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    Those are okay, but I'm sorry - the 'blonde lesbian' just nailed it!
    LowLifeFlatHeadScum

    [sigpic][/sigpic]


    Your Hacked Nude Photo Here!

  15. #15
    Atomic Punk Viking's Avatar
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    11.02.17 @ 09:45 PM
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    Ole calls the doctor up. "Hurry, I tink Lena's in labor!" The doctor asks, "Is this her first baby?" Ole says, "No this is her husband."
    One more:


    Ole knows everybody. Ole was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

    Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Ole how about Tom Cruise?"

    "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

    So Ole and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Ole! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

    Although impressed, Ole's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Ole that he thinks Ole's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

    "No, no, just name anyone else," Ole says. ''President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

    "Yes," Ole says, "I know him."

    His boss retorts, "If you can prove that you know him I'll fly out to Washington to see him."

    And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Ole on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Ole, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

    Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Ole, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies.

    "Sure!" says Ole. "I've known the Pope a long time."

    Again the unconvinced boss flies them off to Rome. Ole and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Ole says; "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

    And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Ole emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

    But by the time Ole returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side, Ole asks him, "What happened?"

    His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, 'Who's that on the balcony with Ole?'
    That last one is classic!
    "Viking - last to sleep, first to rise, last to leave, that's how the Nords of old rocked the house." ~ timmac in the 'Texas Linkers' thread talking about yours truly. :-)

 

 

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