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  1. #1
    Atomic Punk
    Join Date
    12.25.01
    Age
    53
    Location
    Carmel, Ca
    Posts
    7,954
    Favorite VH Album

    Fair Warning
    Favorite VH Song

    You\'re Kidding,right?
    Last Online

    05.31.14 @ 08:17 PM
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    0
    Liked 1 Time in 1 Post

    Default Going Through Or Recently Divorced? This One's For You

    This one's making it's way around the net. It's soooo VHLinks:


    Dear Susan :
    I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.

    In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says...

    "There's no one like you, Susan." I look for you in the eyes and
    breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Ithaca Bar and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and
    maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a
    perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Susan? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I Don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

    Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I
    found myself thinking, "why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some ****ling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me.

    It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Susan, to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Susan, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

    Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met in Upper Side last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And
    this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything,
    you know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally
    hot, but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Susan ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid."

    Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. She?s pulling for us to get back together, Susan, She really is. So we're drinking in a hot bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us.

    But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Susan. In your heart you know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can.

    If you feel the same please, please, please let me know, otherwise, can you let me know where the remote control is.

    John
    "Nothing is ever what it seems but everything is exactly what it is." - B. Banzai


    My Blog:

    http://axxman300tool.blogspot.com/

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  2. #2
    Good Enough
    Join Date
    02.03.03
    Location
    Ky
    Posts
    1,595
    Last Online

    12.14.17 @ 07:32 PM
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    1,841
    Liked 1,108 Times in 571 Posts

    Default

    i think ive read this once before, but its freakin hilarious

  3. #3
    Good Enough CanCanSingSing's Avatar
    Join Date
    11.13.03
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    2,336
    Last Online

    11.26.17 @ 10:23 PM
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    Donor

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Axxman300
    Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I
    found myself thinking, "why do I feel so drained and empty?"
    That was bloody funny.
    "In our house, a song was considered shit if it didn't have a big guitar solo on it"- Slash

  4. #4
    Hang 'Em High RRMB's Avatar
    Join Date
    12.09.03
    Age
    47
    Location
    EyeOhWuh
    Posts
    6,794
    Favorite VH Album

    The 1 that had that 1 song
    Favorite VH Song

    Runaround, MWM, MAM
    Last Online

    05.21.17 @ 06:42 PM
    Likes
    2
    Liked 9 Times in 4 Posts

    Default

    when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring
    OMG...That is frickin hilarious. WOOOOOOOO...I have tears in my eyes.
    "Jesus, that fucker just crawled out of his hen house that was destroyed by the Alabama tornados. Fucking 280mph plus winds sucked the gleam off this bitch and passed it on to a bird in Rhoad Island." - Hurricane Halen 5/3/11 (about my birthday chicken from seenbad)

    "Pete is this big, loud muthafucker with a big ass heart, y'all!!!!---------" - Hurricane Halen 9/27/13

    "Princess Freckle-Tits hasn't had a good day." LLFHS 7/8/10 (on Lindsay Lohans' legal drama)


    http://www.facebook.com/RedRockinMonkeyBoy

    CHILDREN OF "THE FOOT" UNITE

  5. #5
    Atomic Punk fast98dodge's Avatar
    Join Date
    03.24.04
    Age
    43
    Location
    Seattle
    Posts
    8,212
    Favorite VH Album

    Van Halen II
    Last Online

    08.07.17 @ 08:14 PM
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    331
    Liked 313 Times in 149 Posts


    Donor

    Default

    I've seen that before and you know what, it doesn't get old. I love it...
    Jet City Super Stealth
    Marshall 50th Anniversary JCM-1H and Class 5 Combo
    Austin Speaker Works KTS-60

  6. #6
    Hot For Teacher chas's Avatar
    Join Date
    06.10.04
    Location
    Guam U.S.A.
    Posts
    259
    Favorite VH Album

    The Magnificent 7 & F.U.C.K.
    Favorite VH Song

    at the moment House of Pain
    Last Online

    08.31.15 @ 01:43 PM
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    1
    Liked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default

    Still Fuckin' laughing my ass off as I post!!

  7. #7
    Atomic Punk ZeoBandit's Avatar
    Join Date
    01.29.02
    Age
    41
    Location
    Chicago
    Posts
    17,830
    Favorite VH Album

    F.U.C.K.
    Favorite VH Song

    Humans Being
    Last Online

    12.14.17 @ 05:57 AM
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    54
    Liked 40 Times in 29 Posts


    Donor

    Default

    I've read this before. It's awesome!
    "What we are dealing with here, is a complete lack of respect for the law" - Jackie Gleason, Smokey and the Bandit

    www.geocaching.com - The site where you are the search engine.

  8. #8
    Atomic Punk jrk5150's Avatar
    Join Date
    12.12.01
    Age
    48
    Location
    Massachusetts by way of the Great State of New Jersey
    Posts
    7,745
    Favorite VH Album

    5150
    Favorite VH Song

    Changes with the day
    Last Online

    12.15.17 @ 07:38 PM
    Likes
    30
    Liked 546 Times in 327 Posts


    Premium Member

    Donor

    Default

    That shit just doesn't get old. Seen it, still love it.
    Last edited by jrk5150; 01.10.05 at 07:05 AM.

 

 

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