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Thread: Joke...

  1. #1
    Baluchitherium
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    It's Saturday morning. Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf
    when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the
    washing machine is coming around at noon.

    So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

    "Hello" Says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob.
    "Is Mommy near the phone?"
    "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
    After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, Honey!"

    "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

    "Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs
    and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my
    car's just pulled up outside the house."

    "Okay, Daddy!"
    A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did
    what you said, Daddy."

    "And what happened?"

    "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming;
    then she tripped over the rug and fell down the front steps and she's just
    lying there. I think she's dead."

    Oh my God! And what about Uncle Frank?"

    "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, and he was all scared and he
    jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot
    that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the
    bottom of the swimming pool and is just lying there, not moving. He may
    be dead, too."

    There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool?
    Is this 854-7039?"

  2. #2
    Atomic Punk Wolfman's Avatar
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    ------------------

    "Kissing my ass won't do anything but give you bad breath." -sherman

    *gulp* - Down In Flames

    "Come on FORD, tell us how you really feel." - Said by virtually every member of VHLinks at one time or another.

  3. #3
    Baluchitherium
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    >> > > > Dear Abby,
    >> > > > >
    >> > > > > A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.
    >> > > > > One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a
    >> > > > > social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go
    >> > > > > everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into
    >> > > > > their apartment or come out. Do you think they could
    >> > > > > be Lebanese?
    >> > > > >
    >> > > > > Dear Abby,
    >> > > > > What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and
    >> > > > > violence on my VCR?
    >> > > > >
    >> > > > > Dear Abby,
    >> > > > > I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much
    >> > > > > I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
    >> > > > >
    >> > > > > Dear Abby,
    >> > > > > I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has
    >> > > > > been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive
    >> > > > > and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost,
    >> > > > > but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with
    >> > > > > him.
    >> > > > >
    >> > > > > Dear Abby,
    >> > > > > I suspected that my husband had been fooling around,
    >> > > > > and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied
    >> > > > > everything and said it would never happen again.
    >> > > > >
    >> > > > > Dear Abby,
    >> > > > > Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy
    >> > > > > who was raised in a good Christian home turn against
    >> > > > > his own?
    >> > > > >
    >> > > > > Dear Abby,
    >> > > > > I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now
    >> > > > > how do I get out?
    >> > > > >
    >> > > > > Dear Abby,
    >> > > > > My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist
    >> > > > > $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He
    >> > > > > must be crazy.
    >> > > > >
    >> > > > > Dear Abby,
    >> > > > > I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't
    >> > > > > know he drank until one night he came home sober.
    >> > > > >
    >> > > > > Dear Abby,
    >> > > > > Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor
    >> > > > > a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and
    >> > > > > couldn't and he did it.
    >> > > > >
    >> > > > > Dear Abby,
    >> > > > > My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is
    >> > > > > going through her mental pause.
    >> > > > >
    >> > > > > Dear Abby,
    >> > > > > You told some woman whose husband had lost all
    >> > > > > interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my
    >> > > > > husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a
    >> > > > > doctor.
    >> > > > >

  4. #4
    Baluchitherium
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    > >A man is driving down the road. A woman is driving up the same road in
    the
    > >other direction.
    > >
    > >As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the car and shouts,
    "pig!"
    > >The man immediately leans out of his car and shouts back, "bitch!"
    > >
    > >Each goes their way, as the man goes around the next corner, he crashes
    > >into a pig in the middle of the road.
    > >
    > >Moral of the story: IF ONLY MEN WOULD LISTEN

  5. #5
    Baluchitherium
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    One Christmas morning, a kid goes out on his new bike.
    >> A cop on a horse stops him and says "That's a nice bike you got
    >> there
    >> kid, did you get it from Santa?" and the kid says "yea, I sure did!" And
    >>
    >> the
    >> cop says "Well, next year tell Santa to put tail lights on it." and
    >> gives
    >> the
    >> kid a $20.00 safety violation ticket.
    >>
    >> Then the kid says "That's a nice horse you got there, did you get
    >> it
    >> from Santa?" And the cop says "Yea I sure did." And the kid says "Well
    >> next
    >> year tell Santa to put the dick under the horse, instead of on top."
    >>
    >

  6. #6
    Imperial Fascist Overlord Down In Flames's Avatar
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    <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ANGEL4U:
    &gt;&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; Dear Abby,
    &gt;&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't
    &gt;&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; know he drank until one night he came home sober. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

    That's funny. Because my name's not Bill...??? And... I was married?



    ------------------
    "Fuck you. I give you my ass." - Rick S' dog, as interpreted by track 5

    Official Bartender Of VHLinks

  7. #7
    Baluchitherium
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    A little old lady called 911. When the operator answered she yelled,
    "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn
    Republican on
    my front porch and he's playing with himself."

    "What?" the operator exclaimed!

    "I said there is a damn Republican on my front porch playing with
    himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send
    the
    police!" the little old lady repeated.

    "Well, now, how do you know he's a Republican???"

    "Because, you damn fool, if he were a Democrat, he'd be screwing
    somebody!"

  8. #8
    Baluchitherium
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    &gt;&gt; A Real Sales Person
    &gt;&gt;
    &gt;&gt; A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big
    department
    &gt;&gt; store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales
    &gt;&gt; experience?"
    &gt;&gt;
    &gt;&gt; The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
    &gt;&gt;
    &gt;&gt; Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start
    tomorrow.
    &gt;&gt; I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on
    the
    &gt;&gt; job was rough but he got through it.
    &gt;&gt;
    &gt;&gt; After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did
    you
    &gt;&gt; make today?"
    &gt;&gt;
    &gt;&gt; Kid says, "One."
    &gt;&gt;
    &gt;&gt; The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a
    day!
    &gt;&gt; How much was the sale for?"
    &gt;&gt;
    &gt;&gt; Kid says, "$101,237.64."
    &gt;&gt;
    &gt;&gt; Boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell?"
    &gt;&gt;
    &gt;&gt; Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
    medium
    &gt;&gt; fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new
    &gt;&gt; fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said
    down
    &gt;&gt; at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down
    to
    &gt;&gt; the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then
    he
    &gt;&gt; said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down
    to
    &gt;&gt; the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
    &gt;&gt;
    &gt;&gt; The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him
    a
    &gt;&gt; boat and truck?"
    &gt;&gt;
    &gt;&gt; Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife
    and I
    &gt;&gt; said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
    &gt;&gt;

  9. #9
    Baluchitherium
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    &gt; &gt; A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a &gt; &gt; &gt;&gt;
    &gt; &gt; message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would &gt; &gt; &gt;&gt; &gt;
    &gt; &gt; cost $300, she exclaimed:
    &gt; &gt; "But I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a
    &gt; &gt; message to my mother". The man arched an eyebrow (as we would
    &gt; &gt; expect) "Anything?" he asked. "Yes, yes, anything" the blonde
    &gt; &gt; promised. 'Well then, just follow me" said the man
    &gt; &gt; as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was
    &gt; &gt; told and followed the man. "Come in
    &gt; &gt; and close the door" the man said. She did. He then said "Now get
    &gt; &gt; on your knees". She did. "Now take down my zipper".
    &gt; &gt; She did. "Now go ahead ... take it out ...." he said. She
    &gt; &gt; reached in and grabbed it with both hands ... then paused. The
    &gt; &gt; man closed his eyes and whispered "Well... go ahead". The
    &gt; &gt; blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it ..and
    &gt; &gt; while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said...........&gt;
    &gt; &gt; "Hello, mom can you hear me?"
    &gt; &gt; &gt;&gt;

  10. #10
    Baluchitherium
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    Your daily moment of Zen

    =20

    1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not

    walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk

    beside me, either; just leave me the hell alone.

    =20

    2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a

    broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

    =20

    3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're

    going to steal your neighbor's newspaper,that's the

    time to do it.

    =20

    5. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced,

    you can't be promoted.

    =20

    6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

    =20

    7. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

    =20

    8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

    =20

    9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply

    to serve as a warning to others.

    =20

    10. It is far more impressive when others discover

    your good qualities without your help.

    =20

    11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try

    missing a couple of car payments.

    =20

    12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a

    mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize

    them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

    =20

    13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not

    for you.

    =20

    14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach

    him how to fish,and he will sit in a boat & drink beer

    all day.

    =20

    15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person

    again, it was probably worth it.

    =20

    16. Don't squat with your spurs on.

    =20

    17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember

    anX-XX-Mozilla-Status: 0009nk, don't park; accidents cause people.

    =20

    19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the

    windshield.

    =20

    20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

    =20

    21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot

    of that comes from bad judgment.

    =20

    22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold

    it in half and put it back in your pocket.

    =20

    23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of

    a raindance.

    =20

    24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

    =20

    25. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side &

    a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

    =20

    26. There are two theories to arguing with women.

    Neither one works.

    =20

    27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when

    your mouth is moving.

    =20

    28. Experience is something you don't get until just

    after you need it.

    =20

    29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

  11. #11
    Baluchitherium
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    &gt;"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,"
    and
    &gt;you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
    &gt;
    &gt;"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes
    &gt;and you're barefoot.
    &gt;
    &gt;"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens
    &gt;the garage door.
    &gt;
    &gt;"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
    &gt;
    &gt;"OLD" IS WHEN.....You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as
    you
    &gt;don't have to go along.
    &gt;
    &gt;"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead
    &gt; of by the police.
    &gt;
    &gt;"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any
    &gt; fiber today.
    &gt;
    &gt;"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking
    lot.
    &gt;
    &gt;"OLD" IS WHEN..... Pulling an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!
    &gt;
    &gt;
    &gt;

  12. #12
    Atomic Punk Wolfman's Avatar
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    Angel - Just curious, are you at work right now too? LMAO

    ------------------

    "Kissing my ass won't do anything but give you bad breath." -sherman

    *gulp* - Down In Flames

    "Come on FORD, tell us how you really feel." - Said by virtually every member of VHLinks at one time or another.

  13. #13
    5150 Alchemy's Avatar
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    Cool...another person with a sense of humor on here.

    One day a cop decided that he was going to pull someone over and reward them for being a good driver. After a while a car came along that wasn't breaking the speed limit. The cop turned on his lights and proceeded to pull the car over. He got out of his car and walked up to the window of the other car to present the driver with the reward. Upon seeing the cop the man got agitated and yelled "What the hell is this? I was going the speed limit!" The man's wife then said "Don't mind him officer...he's always cranky when he's been drinking." A person then sat up in the back seat and said "I told you that you wouldn't get away with stealing this car Frank!" And finally, someone from the trunk yelled "Are we across the boarder yet?!"


    ------------------
    "Honey, arn't you gonna catch a cold dressed like that?" - Dave
    "We're not in the music business, we're in the business of making music." - Edward
    "Yeah, I saw a yard gnome once...it didn't scare me." - Space Ghost

  14. #14
    Good Enough
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    Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first
    round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he
    notices 3 buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking.
    After about 5 minutes, Saddam presses the first button.
    A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches
    Clinton in the face. Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam
    laughs.
    A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big
    boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs,
    and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger
    issue of peace between the 2 countries.
    But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out
    and kicks Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing
    that he can't do much without them functioning well.
    "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi.
    "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

    A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks.
    As the 2 men sit down, Hussein notices 3 buttons on Clinton's chair
    and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking
    and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens.
    Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button.
    Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter.
    When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again
    nothing happens.

    Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. "Forget this," says
    Saddam.

    "I'm going back to Baghdad!" Clinton then says through tears of
    laughter, "What Baghdad?"


    ------------------
    Eat Us And Smile!!!

 

 

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