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  1. #1
    Baluchitherium
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    12.31.69 @ 04:00 PM
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    > A man was complaining: Oh Lord, please have mercy on me, I work so hard,=20
    > meantime my wife stays at home. I would give anything if you would grant=20
    me=20
    > one wish, "switch me into my wife." She's got it easy at home. I want to=20
    > teach her a lesson of how tough a man's life is. As God was listening he=20
    > felt sorry for this soul and granted his wish. Next morning the "new=20
    woman"=20
    > wakes up at dawn, makes lunch boxes, prepares breakfast, wakes up the kids=
    =20
    > for school, puts a load of clothes in the washer, takes the meat out of=20
    the=20
    > freezer, drives the kids to school, on his way back stops at the gas=20
    > station, cashes a check, pays the electricity and phone bills, picks up=20
    some=20
    > clothes from the cleaners, and then quickly goes to the market. It was=20
    1:00=20
    > o'clock already, he made the beds, took the clothes out of the washer and=20
    > put another load in. He vacuumed the house, made some rice, went to pick=20
    up=20
    > the kids from school, and had an argument with the kids. As soon as he got=
    =20
    > home he fed the kids, washed the dirty dishes, he hung the damp clothes he=
    =20
    > had washed on the chairs because it was raining outside, he helped the=20
    kids=20
    > with their homework, watched some TV while he ironed some clothes,=20
    prepared=20
    > dinner, he gave the kids a bath and put them to sleep. At 9:00 o'clock he=20
    > was so tired and he went to bed. Of course there was some more duties,=20
    like=20
    > the mattress mambo, and somehow he managed to get that done and finally=20
    fell=20
    > a sleep. The next morning he prays to God once again: "Oh Lord, what was I=
    =20
    > thinking when I asked you to grant my wish?" I can't take it anymore. I=20
    beg=20
    > you please switch me back to myself, please oh please." Then he heard=20
    God's=20
    > voice speaking to him, saying: "Dear son, of course I'll switch you back=
    =20
    > to yourself but there's one minor detail, you will have to wait 9 months=20
    > because last night you got pregnant. =20

  2. #2
    Baluchitherium
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    12.31.69 @ 04:00 PM
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    FOR THE OLD FARTS HERE
    God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
    > > the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight
    to
    > > tell the difference.
    > >
    > >
    > > Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up),here's what I've
    > > discovered:
    > >
    > > ONE- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
    > >
    > > TWO- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
    > >
    > > THREE- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling
    apart.
    > >
    > > FOUR- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
    > >
    > > FIVE- All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
    > >
    > > SIX- If all is not lost, where is it?
    > >
    > > SEVEN- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
    > >
    > > EIGHT- Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
    > >
    > > NINE- I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
    > >
    > > TEN- Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
    > >
    > > ELEVEN- Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
    > >
    > > TWELVE- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been
    anywhere.
    > >
    > > THIRTEEN- Only time the world beats a path to your door is when
    you're
    > > in the bathroom.
    > >
    > > FOURTEEN- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put
    them on
    > > my knees.
    > >
    > > FIFTEEN- When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does
    everyone
    > > decide to play chess?
    > >
    > > SIXTEEN- It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
    > >
    > > SEVENTEEN- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the
    depth.
    > >
    > > EIGHTEEN- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the
    > > hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder
    > > what I'm here after.

  3. #3
    Baluchitherium
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    > On the very first night he was awakened by George Washington's ghost.
    > Bush asked the ghost, "President Washington, what is the best thing I
    > could do to help the country?" "Set an honest and honorable example,
    just
    > as I did," advised Washington.
    >
    > With all the excitement of the White House, Bush still couldn't sleep
    well
    > and then, later on that night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved
    through
    > the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the
    > country?" Bush asked. "Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government,"
    > Jefferson answered.
    >
    > Bush still couldn't sleep well, so much later on the same night he saw
    > another ghostly figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's
    > ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?,"
    > Bush asked.
    >
    > Lincoln replied, "Go see a play."

  4. #4
    Baluchitherium
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    >
    >>>> >Subject: FW: Never underestimate a little old lady
    >>>> >>
    >>>> >> > A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one
    >>>> >> day, carrying a
    >>>> >> bag of
    >>>> >> > money. She insisted that she must speak with the
    >>>> >> president of the
    >>>> >> bank to
    >>>> >> > open a savings account because, "It's a lot of
    >>>> >> money!" After much
    >>>> >> hemming
    >>>> >> > and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into
    >>>> >> the president's
    >>>> >> > office (the customer is always right!).
    >>>> >> >
    >>>> >> > The bank president then asked her how much she
    >>>> >> would like to
    >>>> >> deposit.
    >>>> >> > She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of
    >>>> >> her bag onto his
    >>>> >> > desk. The president was of course curious as to how
    >>>> >> she came by all
    >>>> >> this
    >>>> >> > cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're
    >>>> >> carrying so much
    >>>> >> cash
    >>>> >> > around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady
    >>>> >> replied, "I make
    >>>> >> > bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of
    >>>> >> bets?"
    >>>> >> >
    >>>> >> > The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you
    >>>> >> $25,000 that
    >>>> >> your
    >>>> >> > balls are square." "
    >>>> >> >
    >>>> >> > Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet.
    >>>> >> You can never win
    >>>> >> that
    >>>> >> > kind of bet!"
    >>>> >> > The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take
    >>>> >> my bet?"
    >>>> >> >
    >>>> >> > "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that
    >>>> >> my balls are not
    >>>> >> > square!"
    >>>> >> >
    >>>> >> > The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since
    >>>> >> there is a lot of
    >>>> >> money
    >>>> >> > involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at
    >>>> >> 10:00 AM as a
    >>>> >> > witness?"
    >>>> >> >
    >>>> >> > "Sure!" replied the confident president. That
    >>>> >> night, the president
    >>>> >> got
    >>>> >> > very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in
    >>>> >> front of a mirror
    >>>> >> > checking his balls, turning from side to side, again
    >>>> >> and again. He
    >>>> >> > thoroughly checked them out until he was sure had.
    >>>> >> There was
    >>>> >> absolutely
    >>>> >> > no way his balls were square and that he would win
    >>>> >> the bet.
    >>>> >> >
    >>>> >> > The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little
    >>>> >> old lady appeared
    >>>> >> > with her lawyer at the president's office. She
    >>>> >> introduced the lawyer
    >>>> >> to
    >>>> >> > the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says
    >>>> >> the president's
    >>>> >> balls
    >>>> >> > are square!"
    >>>> >> >
    >>>> >> > The president agreed with the bet again and the old
    >>>> >> lady asked him to
    >>>> >> > drop his
    >>>> >> > pants so they could all see. The president did. The
    >>>> >> little old lady
    >>>> >> > peered closely at his balls and then asked if she
    >>>> >> could feel them.
    >>>> >> > "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot
    >>>> >> of money, so I
    >>>> >> guess
    >>>> >> > you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he
    >>>> >> noticed that the >
    >>>> >> lawyer
    >>>> >> > was quietly banging his head against the wall. The
    >>>> >> president asked
    >>>> >> the
    >>>> >> > old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your
    >>>> >> lawyer?"
    >>>> >> >
    >>>> >> > She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000
    >>>> >> that at 10:00 AM
    >>>> >> today,
    >>>> >> > I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in
    >>>> >> my hand."

  5. #5
    Good Enough Van Gully's Avatar
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    09.04.17 @ 05:32 AM
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    Silly.

    ------------------
    I'm a spark on the horizon.
    ...stayin' round here takes patience, it's like a full time occupation...

  6. #6
    Baluchitherium
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    12.31.69 @ 04:00 PM
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    silly -good?
    silly -bad?


  7. #7
    Eruption esquiretoo's Avatar
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    08.02.17 @ 01:12 PM
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    silly = at least they're clean.

    ------------------
    your official vhlinks prosecutor

    [This message has been edited by esquiretoo (edited January 30, 2001 at 01:11 PM).]

  8. #8
    Baluchitherium
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    Johnny
    >>
    >> A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her
    >> students.
    >>
    >> The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"
    >>
    >> Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister
    >> is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be
    >> in the third grade too!"
    >>
    >> The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's
    >> office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained
    >to
    >> the principal what the situation was.
    >>
    >> The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test
    >> and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to
    >the
    >> first
    >> grade and behave.
    >>
    >> The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions
    >> are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.
    >>
    >> Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
    >>
    >> Johnny: "9".
    >>
    >> Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
    >>
    >> Johnny: "36".
    >>
    >> And so it went with every question the principal thought a
    >> third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells
    >her,
    >> "I think Johnny can go to the third grade."
    >>
    >> The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some
    >> questions?"
    >>
    >> The principal and Johnny both agree.
    >>
    >> The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have
    >> only two of?"
    >>
    >> Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."
    >>
    >> Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not
    >> have?"
    >>
    >> The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop
    >> the answer,
    >>
    >> Johnny replied, "Pockets."
    >>
    >> Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
    >>
    >> Johnny: "Pants"
    >>
    >> Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that
    >> means a lot of excitement?"
    >>
    >> Johnny: "Fire truck"
    >>
    >> The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
    >> "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions
    >myself."
    >>

  9. #9
    Baluchitherium
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    >> THINGS I WISH I'D KNOWN BEFORE I WENT OUT IN THE REAL WORLD
    >> 1. Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying
    >> "Why, thank you" though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent).
    >> 2. Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the
    >> orchestra, some are on stage singing, some are in the audience as critics
    >> and some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.
    >> 3. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
    >> 4. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own
    >> taste.
    >> 5. Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter and
    >> doesn't like dogs/cats.
    >> 6. Good sex should involve laughter. Because think about it, it
    >> is funny.
    >> 7. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't
    >> move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
    >> 8. The ! five most essential words for a healthy, vital
    >> relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right".
    >> 9. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
    >> 10. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's
    >> easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
    >> 11. The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever
    >> gave me was "Go! You might meet somebody!"
    >> 12. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her-believe it.
    >> 13. I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, Will this
    >> matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?
    >> 14. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
    >> 15. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another
    >> chance!
    >> 16. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable
    >> because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other
    >> person was right about you.
    >> 17. Knowing how to listen to music is as great a talent as
    >> knowing how to make it.
    >> 18. Work is good, but it's not that important.
    >> 19. Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.
    >> 20. And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never
    >> know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
    >

  10. #10
    5150 Alchemy's Avatar
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    06.29.12 @ 01:03 AM
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    Silly...definately very silly...definately...

    I'm going to say something that's always very difficult for me to say:

    I slit the sheet
    the sheet I slit
    and on the slited sheet I sit

    Ahhh...I feel better.
    ------------------
    "Honey, arn't you gonna catch a cold dressed like that?" - Dave
    "We're not in the music business, we're in the business of making music." - Edward
    "I will never change because of a trend." - Yngwie J. Malmsteen
    "Yeah, I saw a yard gnome once...it didn't scare me." - Space Ghost

    [This message has been edited by Alchemy (edited February 01, 2001 at 10:26 AM).]

  11. #11
    Eruption esquiretoo's Avatar
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    08.02.17 @ 01:12 PM
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    well, i've got the southern accent down!

    ------------------
    your official vhlinks prosecutor

  12. #12
    Baluchitherium
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    12.31.69 @ 04:00 PM
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    >
    >
    > Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.
    > The waiter comes and takes their drink order.
    >
    > "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggie.
    >
    > "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggie.
    >
    > "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie.
    >
    > The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinn=
    er.
    >
    >
    > "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggie.
    >
    > "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggie.
    >
    > "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie.
    >
    > The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached th=
    e
    > table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
    >
    > "I want a banana split," said the first piggie.
    >
    > "I want a root beer float," said the second piggie.
    >
    > "I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little
    > piggie.
    >
    > "Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only ordere=
    d
    > water"?
    >
    >
    >
    > You're gonna hate me for this....
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > hold on to your seat .......
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > And remember you were warned........
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > The third piggie says ---
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > "Well, somebody has to go wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'"

  13. #13
    Baluchitherium
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    09.15.15 @ 08:40 AM
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    uh, those were funny. but one thing pissed me off.

    you can't open an account with the bank of canada. that's like me trying to open an account with the federal reserve. where at that point, the fed would laugh in my face and say "what the hell?" just so ya know. get your stories straight.

    ------------------
    EBAS!!!!
    i know i would!!!
    i am a Dirty Faced Kid, although i do fancy myself a good lookin' fellow...
    AD for life...
    Diamond Mafia... respect the family...fuhgetaboutit

 

 

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